Still In So Much Pain

[Brokensad]

I started a thread over a month ago explaining how I met this 54 year old man on a game that I play on my phone. I have been hurt very badly in the past and pretty much closed myself off from the world. I started playing a game on my phone in January I never talked with the other players until about a month and a half ago. I met this man we started talking thru the game then email then Skype. I never had Skype before this. He said like myself he had been hurt in the past. He promised me a friendship which I so desperately needed. I started sending him sweet Good Morning messages and then he asked me to write sexual fantasy stories for him which I did I was a writer and I figured what's the harm. Then we eventually started sexting and just use your imagination about what we did on Skype. These are things that I have never done before. I somehow allowed myself to trust him and open up to him about very personal and private things. I real believed he was true and genuine especially because of his age and him also being hurt. Things started not going to well when I realized he was starting to blow me off. He would make excuses that he was busy but still wanted me to write sex fantasies for him. Then I find out from several other players on the game that he was doing the same thing with them. It was more of a be careful of this man on the game warning. He also wrote posts on this sight several years ago basically giving a sob story about his break up with an ex girlfriend but meanwhile trying to pick up vulnerable women on this sight. He went by the name of "Blueboy". This man hurt me really bad. He got enjoyment out of hurting me and he made sure I knew it. I am in so much pain over him and a little over 2 weeks ago I tried to take my own life. I am still in the hospital now and will probably be here for another month while healing from my injuries. Doctors told me it's a miracle that I'm even still alive. I have been getting intense therapy also. One of my ways to heal was that I had to write an email to this man explaining how much he hurt me and humiliated me. I also asked him a lot of questions as to why he would do this. I have been hurt in so many ways in my life but would never ever hurt another person because of it. My psychologist told me not to expect any answers from him because he got everything he wanted from me. I want her to be wrong. I need these answers. I can't get this man out of my head. He's all I think about. I even have bad dreams about him. I know I have to put some of the blame on myself. I should have been more cautious and I moved way to fast with him. Anyway I sent him an email and practically begged him for some answers. He replied back a few days later saying that he needed time to reply to my email. That's all he said. I still haven't heard anything from him. How much time should I give him? I also noticed that he is still on the game everyday probably doing the same thing with even more women. He needs time to reply to my email but he is still on that game all the time. Just to let you all know my email was a very serious one. I didn't say one mean thing. I don't have it in me. I don't know what else to do. I really need answers from him. I really did care deeply for this man in some ways I still do. There is so many other details to this. The things he said to me. I believed every word of what he told me until my psychologist pointed out indiscretions in his mails and text messages as she read them all. How could I be so stupid. I try to see the good in people and all I do is get hurt by it.

[Wiseman2]

This may a be a good time to listen to your doctors.

a little over 2 weeks ago I tried to take my own life. I am still in the hospital now and will probably be here for another month while healing from my injuries. My phycholosist told me not to expect any answers from him because he got everything he wanted from me. I want her to be wrong.

[Brokensad]

Easier said then done. I don't know if I could get past this.

[sara-pezzini]

You really don't need the answers from this man cause nothing he can say will help, trust me!

 

But seriously, you try to end your life over a man you didn't know before April? Think about that, your life, your world, your existence, over a man you don't even know in real life and who wasn't in your life before April! That's about 3 months, 3 months! And your willing to just give up your whole life for that man?

 

You need a serious wake up call cause this is not the way to live your life at 49 i think it was, you could be doing so much with your life still yet you play a game, sext a man and now want to end your life over him.

Come on! Stay in therapy and think about how it got to this point?

Why do you let yourself be treated this way and then react in such a way?

I mean i get depression, i understand the feeling of not wanting to wake up anymore and be done with it, but over someone you don't even know?

No i don't get that!

Besides there's always the chance you meet mister right and live so happy for a good 30 more years, and you never know when that may be coming.

 

So again, he cannot tell you anything to make you feel better, that has to come from within!

But god don't let some stranger just take your life, he sure isn't worth it!

[jujusamples]

This may a be a good time to listen to your doctors.

 

This is good advice! Your doctors is your best friend in this type of situation.

 

Sorry to burst your bubble but do you know if this person is real? It could be a bot doing this to anyone who would answer? Yes, there is someone behind these programs but it's still a bot. I've seen these bots all over forums and just anywhere on the internet. They are so well programmed that they answer questions and reply just like as if you are talking to a real person.

 

Have you ever met this man in person? Or is it straight up just online conversations? I'm not sure why you are considering ending your life him? Is there more to this story? Sorry, I'm just a little confused.

[jujusamples]

Easier said then done. I don't know if I could get past this.

 

What is there not to get pass? Not chatting to some random person online? Sorry if I sound mean, but I can't get pass the fact that you consider ending your life or not want to live over this. You should think of the positive as in you are lucky to be her in this world, food to eat, and the freedom to go meet other people. Maybe try meeting and having a relationship in person rather than online? I really do hope you have actually met this man in person before, for you to be in this much pain over him.

[Brokensad]

Thank you Sara

 

I understand what your saying believe me I do but and I know this is going to sound crazy I just felt like I had some kind of connection with him. He seemed so genuine and real. He knew exactly what to say. I know I should have been more cautious and took things slower. That's on me. I don't blame him for trying to end my life. It was my choice to do so. He just pushed me to my breaking point.

 

Wouldn't you want answers as to why someone could be this cruel and why to me? I'm not perfect but I am a good person who always tries to do the right thing.

 

My doctor says that men like him and there are many enjoy hurting other people. She said it somehow gives them pleasure knowing other people suffer. I don't want to believe that.

 

When I wrote him the email I didn't tell him I tried to take my own life. I just asked him to be honest with me and asked him why he wanted to hurt me so bad. I'm still in so much pain and always seem to cry over him because I can't get him out of my head.

[Wiseman2]

Believe it, there are all sorts of players, narcissists and sociopaths out there. But ultimately getting involved in something like this can hurt people.

My doctor says that men like him and there are many enjoy hurting other people. She said it somehow gives them pleasure knowing other people suffer. I don't want to believe that

[Brokensad]

Jujusamples,

 

No he is definitely no a bot. We actually Skyped several times. I googled him and he also has facebook. There is a lot more to the story but it's basically him sharing with me the hurt and pain that he has endured through his life as did I. Him telling me all the things that I needed to hear because I have been lonely for so long. I know I was stupid and should have been way more cautious but like I told Sara he seemed so real and genuine to me. He's 54 and has been thru many tough times like myself or so he says. It just pains me that this was just a mean cruel joke on his part and the more women he does this to the greater the pleasure is for him. I can't wrap my head around that.

[Brokensad]

How am I suppose to get passed this? I know it sounds crazy but it is so painful.

[jujusamples]

Jujusamples,

 

No he is definitely no a bot. We actually Skyped several times. I googled him and he also has facebook. There is a lot more to the story but it's basically him sharing with me the hurt and pain that he has endured through his life as did I. Him telling me all the things that I needed to hear because I have been lonely for so long. I know I was stupid and should have been way more cautious but like I told Sara he seemed so real and genuine to me. He's 54 and has been thru many tough times like myself or so he says. It just pains me that this was just a mean cruel joke on his part and the more women he does this to the greater the pleasure is for him. I can't wrap my head around that.

 

I'm really sorry Brokensad, it just kills me to read that you tried ending your life! There is no one in this world that should mean more to you than yourself. I know you are in pain and it's hard to think rationally when there is all this hurt involved.

Trust me, the feeling will past. I see that you are seeing a therapist. Just keep talking about the hurt you feel to your therapist and they will help steer you in the right direction.

Once when the feeling past, you will realized that you have just dodged a bullet. Just keep focusing on the positive and it will come your way. This just hits close to home for me because, I myself was faced with depression and wanted to end my life. It was a hard road to recovery but I managed. I just kept going to see doctors, attend group therapies and etc. Whatever it takes to help me get over all the pain.

Based on my experiences, it's probably not the situation with the 54 year old man that is causing you all this pain. There is more deeper issues which you would have work through with a trained professional. This situation just triggered, whatever it is that is causing all this pain and depression.

The problem that I thought was why I was in so much pain at the time of my depression, wasn't even why. After a lot of therapy, I figured it out. It was much deeper, like I"m talking childhood stuff.

 

Believe, the feeling will past! If he's doing this to others, even if he's not a bot. He's got some kind of script to say practically the same thing to everyone. Unfortunately, people get a kick out of this kind of stuff. They also know exactly who to target. I wouldn't try to take it too personal, but perhaps as a lesson learnt! Once you work through all your issues and pain, you will find someone whom you will be much happier with. Maybe someone you could spend physical time with. In order for someone to love you, you HAVE to learn to love yourself and put yourself first.

[jujusamples]

How am I suppose to get passed this? I know it sounds crazy but it is so painful.

 

The feeling will pass! Believe me. I get it, it's hurtful. It sucks to have that overwhelming feeling of hurt. It's overpowering everything in your life. Take it one step at a time, keep thinking positive. Maybe do some breathing or meditating exercises. I find that helped me take a break from thinking about negative things. Even if it just stops you from thinking about him for 2 minutes. The next day it will be 3 minutes. Then as time goes on, you will not even think of it at all. Try the meditating exercises. You could download or some is on youtube. It helps give your mind a break and break from thinking about the situation will help.

[sara-pezzini]

I agree with juju, plus like i said, there is zero, nothing, zip that this man can say that will make you feel better or help, that comes from within. His answers don't matter, trust me!

 

We have a journal section on here, maybe start a journal and write down all you feel, and then in a few months time, you'll see that the journal isn't as dark anymore as you started it.

Give it some time, write, meditate and go the therapy.

I have found myself, that writing things down is extremely helpful! And doesn't have to be on here but can be in an actual journal as well of course but maybe it helps to get some more feedback

[Brokensad]

Thank you for your advice but for some reason I can't get this man out of my head no matter how hard I try. I know he's not a good man. I know you're right about him getting pleasure over what he did to me. I try to concentrate on other things but he somehow always pops back in my mind. I am trying really hard.

[Brokensad]

Thank you Sara. I'm trying really hard to get this man out of my head but I haven't gotten there yet. I am still working with my therapist. She comes to my room four days a week and I know once I get out of here that I'm still going to need more therapy.