Long distance and ties to the past

[Dewboy]

Hello all. I am in a situation i have never been in before and could use a little advice on how to approach this.

 

Backstory: I'm a 40+ year old divorced man with a daughter who is starting college this fall 6hrs away. I have literally no responsibilities but myself at this point in life so sky is the limit. Of course i will be there for my daughter if she needs me. I wasnt looking for a gf but late last year i met a wonderful woman on a business trip and we work for the same company but we live and work 800 miles apart. We liked each other so much we communicate daily and we have both traveled to see each other every 1 to 2 months. We would like to see each other more often but its expensive to fly once a month and we have to be careful not to burn through our vacation time so early in the year. We have known each other for 6-7 months but have have only physically been with each other 1.5 months.

 

She is about 9yrs my junior and has never been married nor has she ever had kids. She claims that she is ok with not having kids but would like to get married one day. I told her that i do not want kids, and I am not looking for marriage anytime soon. She is ok with this. She was fresh out of a 6yr relationship for only 2 months before i met her. She was engaged but she called it off because she wasnt in love and other factors i was told. I have been single for couple of years.

 

We have a great time when we are together and have even begun calling each other BF and GF. I have introduced her to my daughter and my grandmother and she has introduced me to some of her family and friends. The few times i have flown to see her, I have noticed child things around her house. Disney Princess shampoo, dresses, childrens gummy snacks, etc. She was not hiding them by any means and I remembered that she told me that her ex adopted a little girl from his family's side about a year before they split. In fact she told me when i met her that this is one reason she left is because she didnt want to play family with a man who she wasnt in love with anymore. It was too much for her. So she voluntarily told me that she is watching her weekly because she did not want the little girl to feel like she was abandoning her. In addition, when she comes to see me she has her ex watch her pets (which they shared as a couple) while she is away. She told me that its not her first choice but she trusts him with them because they used to be his.

 

So i get it about the little girl and my heart breaks for her but at some point in time you have to let go and break ties. Especially if its not your biological child. To me it just makes things confusing for the child in the long run.

 

So now she is texting me telling me that her ex is popping up all over town in places she frequently visits and is pretending he is coincidentally running into her. I told her that I feel like he still has feelings for her and that as long as she has ties with him (little girl, pets) that he will feel like there is hope. I told her that eventually she needs to cut the ties. She says I know and then she clams up when i say this so of course i feel like an ass for interjecting and i just drop it.

 

In addition to all this, the last time i went to visit her, I met her best guy friend. So let me start by saying i have never been with a woman who has a guy best friend but i know its possible and i have read that it can be common. She has told me about him since the beginning and i met him. He's a nice guy and he even brought a date with him when we all went out. However while we were out for the evening, I noticed that her BFF was constantly talking to my GF and hardly paying any attention to his date. I actually felt a little bad for her as she was sitting there twiddling her fingers alone. He kept referring to how much fun he and my GF have together and at certain times of the evening, my GF and i would be kissing, holding hands or hugging and I kept noticing him in the corner of my eye staring as if it was bothering him.

 

So let me say first of all, I trust my GF and I'm grateful she has chosen to be with me. She is affectionate with me around him so I know she doesnt have feelings like that for him but I do have a gut feel he likes her more than a friend. I'm told he dates alot but never keeps a GF yet he spends alot time with my GF. I trust her but i cant say i trust him or his feelings for her, something just doesn't feel/look right. The day i left we got up early to catch my flight and while she was in the shower I saw messages popping up on her phone from him. I didnt read them of course but it just made me question things more.

 

Sorry for the wall of text but i needed to put the entire situation out there so i could get the best advice possible. So my question is this, how do i respectfully communicate to her how I feel about these two issues? I want to tell her that it bothers me that she still has ties to her ex and i would like to know if her BFF likes her more than a friend. If we are to continue this relationship or makes things more official, i would rather not have some clingers in the background pining for my significant other. I'm actually more concerned about the BFF because I feel like she may go to him if we have a disagreement and he could potentially giver her ill advice to possibly free her up?

 

Anyway, clearly the green monster has risen his ugly head and I just need some direction so I dont turn out to the bad guy as Im developing strong feelings for her.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like she has a lot of unfinished business with her ex. And that her life, her friends are mostly where she lives...understandably. Try to enjoy the romance and excitement for what it is right now.

[SooSad33]

SHE was only out of a LTR for 2 months before you two got involved.. one concern.

 

Re: her taking on his child this much.. is odd.

As for HIM pet sitting? Not sure.. BUT I do agree. IF they are now fully apart.. why is HE doing anything further with her?

She probably trusts him with the pets so relies on him for that much.

 

I would be voicing some concern about this but not too worried about her 'guy friend' Yes I have a few of these and IF there was ever going to be anything more than friends. it probably would have happened by now.

Sometimes we come across people, who become 'friends' and that's all they are.

There be NO connection otherwise.

 

I suggest to take things slow.

You're at a distance so you don't know ALL yet... being so far away.

[bulletproof]

So now she is texting me telling me that her ex is popping up all over town in places she frequently visits and is pretending he is coincidentally running into her.

 

I actually felt a little bad for her as she was sitting there twiddling her fingers alone. He kept referring to how much fun he and my GF have together and at certain times of the evening, my GF and i would be kissing, holding hands or hugging and I kept noticing him in the corner of my eye staring as if it was bothering him.

 

So let me say first of all, I trust my GF and I'm grateful she has chosen to be with me. She is affectionate with me around him so I know she doesnt have feelings like that for him but I do have a gut feel he likes her more than a friend.

 

Everything you've written here is speculation. She doesn't know for a fact that her ex is not accidentally running into her. You don't know how her BFF's date felt. You don't know if her BFF was bothered by the two of you dating. And you don't know if he likes her as more than a friend.

 

I personally prefer to deal only in facts. The fact is she's with you, is treating you well, and is honest with you about what she's doing. I think it's up to her as to when she cuts ties with the little girl (if at all). You're trying to say it's your concern for the little girl's welfare, but be honest: you just don't want her having anything to do with her ex.

 

You either trust her or you don't. I think you'd be making a big mistake to communicate any of this to her. It's not based in reality, in my opinion.

[Dewboy]

Thanks for the feedback/advice all. I guess i will not mention it and see how things play out. You are right that I have no proof about the way I feel but it is in fact.....the way I feel. I guess I was just thinking that a couple should communicate when things bother them, whether or not they are factual. That way the other party can explain the facts and put things into another perspective. From there I could either accept the facts or move on. I would want someone to tell me if my situation might be a problem for them.

 

Regardless, I will refrain. Thank you.