Enough is enough. It's high time I let go.

[mesmerized]

5 years of trying to change my career and job. -failed

5 years of trying to fight reality of the job market. -failed

7 years of fighting suicidal thoughts. -failed

12 years of trying to find love. -failed

All my life of trying not to feel lonely. -failed

 

I want to die. I don't want any more of this bull. I don't want any naive consolations. I just hope that I won't fail at one thing at least... at finding something poisonous to gut this body of mine.

[DJ12]

We all go through hard times in life but pain does disappear eventually there is always somebody to talk to avert body needs a friend chin up buddy if you need to speak message me

[catfeeder]

You haven't tried everything. You've been too stubborn to go home and start over.

 

I understand that simple and easy are not the same things, but it's the simplest solution, and it could surprise you.

[mesmerized]

You haven't tried everything. You've been too stubborn to go home and start over.

 

I understand that simple and easy are not the same things, but it's the simplest solution, and it could surprise you.

 

A simple question. Why would I want to go home if that was the most depressing place I lived in? The place I ALWAYS wanted to escape from? Even more importantly, why would I want to go home if I KNOW that I don't want to live there?

 

And why would home give more opportunities for finding employment than any other place around the world? If 59 (I counted) companies from 4 different countries rejected my job applications on account of my current profession, then why would I want to assume that "home" (which is a place I hate) would welcome me with open arms?

 

I have tried EVERYTHING that was within my power.

[catfeeder]

A simple question. Why would I want to go home if that was the most depressing place I lived in? The place I ALWAYS wanted to escape from? Even more importantly, why would I want to go home if I KNOW that I don't want to live there?

 

And why would home give more opportunities for finding employment than any other place around the world? If 59 (I counted) companies from 4 different countries rejected my job applications on account of my current profession, then why would I want to assume that "home" (which is a place I hate) would welcome me with open arms?

 

I have tried EVERYTHING that was within my power.

 

Because it gets you the hell outta China.

[mesmerized]

Cat, can you answer these questions please?

 

1) I hate my country way more than China. Why should I go there?

2) In my country finding a decent job would be impossible. Why should I go there?

3) Going back to my country would feel like a complete failure. Why should I put myself in that position?

4) I have tried to change my job, and I failed. What other proof do I need that instead of killing myself mentally by being a teacher, it's actually better to pull the trigger?

5) I haven't been in any kind of real relationship in 6 years. What other proof do I need that there is no chance for me to get any kind of love?

 

Today I've been told by one person that at my age going to school and trying to change my profession is pointless because when I graduate I'll be 34-35 and with no experience in the new field, which means I will be unemployable.

 

There are only two solutions - to either suffer my whole life and feel as miserable as I'm feeling right now doing this job (and I feel that way pretty much every single day) or simply kill myself and be at peace.

[alldaisies]

5 years of trying to change my career and job. -failed

5 years of trying to fight reality of the job market. -failed

7 years of fighting suicidal thoughts. -failed

12 years of trying to find love. -failed

All my life of trying not to feel lonely. -failed

 

I want to die. I don't want any more of this bull. I don't want any naive consolations. I just hope that I won't fail at one thing at least... at finding something poisonous to gut this body of mine.

 

We are all here fighting our own battles mesmerized, you are not alone in that pain. It is even worse when you have all that, love, career, a future ahead and someone just destroy it and destroy you life, leaving you without that and in constant sorrow, overweight, with a mental health diagnostic that you did not have before. And you feel there nothing else to do, just die. I am still here. Trying to find the way out. When I was 21 my parents took me out the country where we born, I let my pharmacy career on the last year, I had to work to maintain myself in the new country, there I tried to finish my career, but they closed me all the doors, most probably the government of the communist country I let, was behind of that, who knows. Later I moved again, but I was not longer 21, I was already a mother and I was 35 years when I finally completed my career, to ending sick and without a possibility to get a job. I have been trying for years, and the most close to a job I found, was working as a seller in a little store. It is hard when we have dreams, to lost it all. Think in the things you know or you could do? Can you start any business? There are many options out there, of course you will need money or partner for that. Do you know a language that you can teach? Do you know how to paint or draw? You can try to sell your paintings. Do you know how to make jewelry or any other craft? Do you like to write? You could try to write a book about your life and all you are suffering and try to sell it with advices for others like you, and save them. Tell me what you like to do.

 

I will say to you, forget about love. Focus first in you and find a road out. When you find something to do with your life that make you feel good about you, love will find the way. The reality is the no one want to carry with problems now a day. It is weird when you find a person that sacrifice for others or help others beyond borders. There are movie that will be soon on the theaters, "Me before you" that talk something about those miracles of life. Things that happens when you are not looking. It is the story of a wealthy man, very smart, with a brilliant future that had an accident that let him quadriplegic. and he found love, his caregiver gave him new hope. He lived the last 6 months of his life very happy with that woman. She was not anything special or with a career and brilliant furture like him, she just had that happiness that he needed it. And she found also in him that person that pushed her to be better and try new things. I want to tell you with this, that as you, I am very sad, I have problems that I do not know how to solve, but our lives could change if we keep trying. And the best we can do, it is find that profession or career that will allow us to feel well again. For love there are always time.

 

Why you hate so much your country? It is not normal to hate a country, we usually can be in disagreement with some people or personalities in the country, but no with the country itself.

You do not need to prove to any one your success. Do not worry for what others think. All my friends are very successful, I should feel really bad because I have not been able to do what they did. But my life and their lives were totally different. We cannot compare with others or pay so much attention to what others think about us.

Teaching is a very noble profession, one that do not give you to much money, but give you great satisfaction. It is one of the best jobs ever. You can make the difference in the life of many.

 

Take care...hope this help you a little. You are not alone mesmerized, I fight every day to get to next day.

[mesmerized]

Do you know a language that you can teach? Do you know how to paint or draw? You can try to sell your paintings. Do you know how to make jewelry or any other craft? Do you like to write? You could try to write a book about your life and all you are suffering and try to sell it with advices for others like you, and save them. Tell me what you like to do.

 

I am a qualified teacher of English but because I'm not a native speaker it's impossible to be employed in the countries where I'd like to live (Taiwan or Japan for instance) What's more, over the years I've developed nothing but hatred towards this profession and I know that I don't want to be a teacher, no matter how noble it is. I simply hate my job.

 

I will say to you, forget about love. Focus first in you and find a road out. When you find something to do with your life that make you feel good about you, love will find the way.

 

Then I don't know when love will come, if ever. For the past 5 years I've been unhappy, doing what I hate and nothing else.

 

You do not need to prove to any one your success.

 

I do. If I can't prove to myself that I can be successful, then there's no point continuing my existence.

 

At this stage I have two choices. One is to continue living here in China and doing the job I hate. The other one is to jump out of the window, or find some kind of medication overdosing of which will finally put me out of this miserable life of mine. Initially I thought that perhaps going back to school would help, perhaps going back to university to study IT or something like that would help me change my career path... But now I know it's too late. I made the wrong decision, chose the wrong major and thus wasted my university years. I don't see any way out of this, and I think it's best if I swallow something. If it wasn't for fear, I'd have swallowed all my pills I've got in the drawer. And so I continue this f-ing existence that I hate so much.

 

Even people on this forum have noticed that in my situation, there aren't any choices left.

 

Thanks for your posting.

[Theniceone]

You have a choice to go back home. if I remember correctly you have property there. Yes it will be a challenge to start from scratch but you seem burned out. Take time to rest and with a clearer mind you will find other options.

[catfeeder]

 

Even people on this forum have noticed that in my situation, there aren't any choices left.

 

No, we've noticed that you are locked on your preconceived beliefs and continue to defend those whenever any other options are raised. We've also noticed that whenever you do that, you only tend to believe your own defense.

 

We see you as giving US no other choice than to let you unravel your knots rather than raising options that only prompt you to tighten shut your closed mind. So rather than helping you, we're merely aiding your enmeshment in beliefs that do not serve you.

 

That's your decision, and I don't 'notice' agreement with that, whatsoever.

[mesmerized]

You have a choice to go back home. if I remember correctly you have property there. Yes it will be a challenge to start from scratch but you seem burned out. Take time to rest and with a clearer mind you will find other options.

 

Going home for longer than a short vacation is not an option. I will not go back there no matter how dire the situation is. I simply won't. I do NOT want to go there. And I won't degrade myself to a lower position than I'm already in by going there. I'd rather burn out from within end up being an empty shell than go back, be unemployed and still have the very same problems I'm having here.

[toxigon]

Life is not about job or love or being alone, u didn't fail at all, those things are parts of life, u have succeeded big time at lasting this long and u can last, we all die someday, instead of doing it now just live and no matter if u suffer or not it's better than miss the future, even if ur last day is happy u wanna live and reach that day to enjoy it, I was like u man, getting better everyday, listen count to 7, by than u will be programmed to so what I just told u, u won't be able to stop it and u will keep going on with life, I failed more than u did, I consider u a hero, if I can do it, a guy from primal Africa, u can do better, I have hard time finding food and get few hours of electricity per day, but I am thankful to God, it's a test from God that I shall pass, still also loving my ex fiance who left me to find a better life after sucking my last penny.

I am alive, one if the reasons I survived for is to save ur life man, don't waste my effort to last this long so I tell u this.