Online dating -- does it change everything?

[Mjane]

I'm interested in knowing people's opinions about the impact of online on dating. Someone just said it benefits women.. ha. ha. where do they get that idea?

I think there are almost as many women using online sites as men...

Does it make people more judgemental of flaws? Do they move on too quick because they know the search button is only a click away? Is that why most online dates don't go past one?

I've been thinking about this a lot because so many people have blamed the online world for their dating problems.. and I just wonder if the online world has changed dating? Or are people just using it as an excuse for having poor character judgement.

[MetallicAguy]

It isn't really effective unless you two meet in person. I think other than that it's pretty stupid.

[Mjane]

I'm only talking about people who meet in person and just use the online dating sites as a matchmaking service.

[Caldus]

Online dating, as someone else in this forum mentioned (my man Double J 8) ), seems to turn around the dating process in a way. You get to know the person before ever meeting them in person. There's the obvious flaw that sometimes the other person could deceive you in some way whether it was intentional or not. However, it seems to work for some people. Just as in real life, there will be people that will judge you based on your looks. I would say that it could benefit both men and women if used properly.

[jabean]

Well probably a lot of people are not hanging out in bars just to meet someone anymore, and are using online services instead. So in that way, it probably has changed dating. Plus, it can speed up the process of getting through the bad dates that are sometimes arranged by friends, co-workers, etc. On line, you can check out the basics of a person's interests, career goals, etc. and at least see if there are some common interests (things to talk about) before agreeing to a date. So, in that way it may be helpful for people who are "looking to date."

 

My experience with online services hasn't been all that great personally. But I know couples who met through them that are very happy together. I guess to each his/her own.

[temperamental_taurus]

Internet dating is EVIL... I have YEARS of experience in this area. "Never date a chatter - 'cause they are always playing around in someone else's box"... In layman's terms - if they are talking to you, they're talking to at least 20 or more other people that you don't know about. It is so easy to meet alot of different people very quickly, so it seems that people lose their ability to bond to any ONE person - there are 100 more where you came from... and variety is the spice of life, right? The filth that goes on over the internet is very disturbing to me. I have been propostioned by married men, offered money to perform oral/sexual favors, have been cheated on, lied to, exposed to all forms of disgusting fetishes - my experiences are too many to list. I think the perversion that exists deep within someone is allowed a bit closer to the surface because of the anonymity that the internet allows. Luckily, after having met at least a hundred men and having my heart broken BADLY by a man who was addicted to meeting women over the internet and ended up cheating on me with one of them and falling in love with another one - just through emails and the phone lines... I met a wonderful man - Yes, from on-line... but he for whatever reason is a decent man... we now live together and have been together for almost a year now. But it wasn't easy at first... internet dating made us BOTH distrustful of each other because we had both gone through similar experiences via the net. For some, the net & internet dating is literally an addiction. Yes you can meet alot of people, but alot more than you would in a typical year through typical dating techniques. My advice is be careful... and once a relationship is established make sure all internet dating sites & chat sites are abandoned immediately... and be aware & safe! That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth =)

[Mjane]

I am usually very careful about not exchanging too many emails before we meet in person. I don't do long distance. And I try not to reveal too much personal information other than pleasantries, hobbies and what's in my profile. I know the pitfalls of exchanging too much information too quickly. It's not healthy or natural.

I just use the web site to make an introduction. I'm very pragmatic, but that's because I'm serious about dating and finding the right person. I'm not looking for fake, cheap intimacy.

[justagirl20f]

I met my BF online. We live in the same city (heck, 4 major intersections apart only) though we never would have met if it wasn't for link removed cuz he's not the type who hits on girls and I'm not the type who sits around waiting to be hit on.

 

He's very shy. His friend works for Lavalife and encouraged him to set up a profile to give feedback on some new features the company was implementing. I happened to be browsing around and his profile literally jumped up and smacked me in the face. I contacted him with a collect mail message, which he responded to. The rest is history.

 

He wasn't the first guy I've met online. I don't go to bars or clubs and I spend a lot of time training my dog or horseback riding (two activities I'm very into). I don't tend to date men I train/ride with because that would mess things up if/when the relationship ended, especially if it was on bad terms. I also don't date men I work with, as a personal rule. My BF and I don't share the same circle of friends, and with the exception of seeing one another for a fleeting moment at the mall, I can't see how we ever would have noticed one another.

 

None of the guys I met online (and in my case this ALWAYS meant meeting in person at some point) were bad experiences. I have developed some friendships that I carry to this day, as well as one noteable long-term relationship before this one, of 2.5 years. The success of an online relationship does, in my opinion, 100% depend upon meeting men within regular date-driving distance from you. I had a hard time with a relationship just an hour and a half away, and would never do that again. You just can't learn all you need to about a person, unless they live close enough to build a real relationship outside of cyber-land.

 

For me, online dating is simply an alternative to going to bars or clubs. It doesn't change things for me, as I feel whether you're trying to impress someone online or in person you're gonna put your best foot forward at first. Whether online or in a bar, you only get to know the true person after some time. There also has to be physical chemistry, and even people that have long cyber-relationships will experience them falling apart if the physical chemistry isn't there.

 

There is no such thing as having someone fall in love with you for your personality, before ever meeting you. They might like your personality, and hope there is physical chemistry, but a real relationship won't form without both components. As such, I have never considered online dating an effective way for "unattractive" people to find significant others. I think it allows them to carry on a fantasy longer than it might exist without online dating, but in the end the fantasy ends when the people meet. That said, I believe there are lots of people out there for each of us, and everyone can use online dating equally to find their significant other, whether "unattractive" or put together like a stunning model.

 

One thing to think about: If you find your significant other in a bar, you expect he likes to go to bars and socialize. If he picked you up in a club, he may well pick up other girls when you're not around because he just liked to do that. So there ARE those that like chatting and "cybering" online and they make up a large percentage of the online population. But I know firsthand there ARE guys out there who are completely normal, just tired of the bar scene, and looking for Miss Right. If you're good at the dating game in general, and can weed out the losers online the same as in person, you will do fine.

[al7]

1. Someone just said it benefits women..

2. I think there are almost as many women using online sites as men...

3. Does it make people more judgemental of flaws?

4. Do they move on too quick because they know the search button is only a click away?

5. I've been thinking about this a lot because so many people have blamed the online world for their dating problems..

6. and I just wonder if the online world has changed dating?

 

1. In some sense it does: a woman just posts a pic, and men start to send

her application for a BF gig She does't have to do anything, just weed out emails, which is fairly easy.

2. There are always more men: maybe cuz men feel more comfortable with computers and in general up for a tech challenge.

3. In some sense: they become more judgemental of pics. A good photo means everything... especially for women. So basically yes but in a narrow sense: they judge mostly by pics.

4. Yes!!! People feel like there are endless possibilities out there.. so they can easily Click NEXT if they dont like something.

5. Strange.. what do they say?

6. Yes it did. Women became way more selective and less willing to settle for anyone. Some shy men benefit from online dating.

 

All is good, but we may easily overlook somthing important.

There is a third party involved.

As an example: food industry is interested in providing better and more different foods, but it is not interested in providing food that makes you

full and happy. Just the opposite: they are interested in selling food that would make you come back for more. Food that makes you... HUNGRY.

 

If you think about it long enough, you'll see that onling dating industry

has exactly the same attitude in business: they do not want you to find your solemate (then you stop paying them) and they want you to come back for more....

So the system web sites have are usually desingned in a way that gives you really hard time finding anyone decent, but in general it looks very cool and tempting with a lot of gorgeous people.

So there is a huge challenge to overcome in online dating: to weed through many many people and not get hurt in the process, since online web sites are not helping you, actually they want you not to find your soul mate as long as possible...

So online dating requires a lot of patience, time and a lot of defence against weird people. It was desinged that way..

 

Just contemplating: if web sites would get paid in case you find your soulmate\partner\spouse... believe dating life would be 1000 times easier

and better.

[MetalJoe]

I just approached it as another way to meet singles. I guess it has changed the dating "scene" in many ways, although I'm not convinced it's any better/worse than any other way to meet "the one".

 

The trouble around where I live is that single women seem very much in the minority, so I assumed that either they just weren't around or I was looking in the wrong places. I turned to Internet dating as a way to help me find the elusive singles, but the online situation hasn't really differed for me. There seem to be just as few single women online in my area, and the ones I have made contact with have really not been interesting at all.

 

In many ways, the situation has been better for me meeting people through everyday contact, than online - but at least online you can get a rough idea of someone before you start talking to them.

[cleverme123]

For most it's a game to see see how many people will reply so that they can sleep with them. Other times it does work, my hubby and I met on one and we are 3 years together and expecting a baby. You just have to be careful! You can be any one on the net.

[al7]

The trouble around where I live is that single women seem very much in the minority,

 

How did you figure out there are just a few of them in your area?

Did you calculate all of them in your 50 miles radius? I did for example.

 

Did you have a great pic in your profile? did you have pics at all?

I am sure most people (women and men) judge their possible date online only by pics.

[MetalJoe]

The trouble around where I live is that single women seem very much in the minority,

 

How did you figure out there are just a few of them in your area?

Did you calculate all of them in your 50 miles radius? I did for example.

 

I said "seem". I go searching for profiles on sites and I'll get maybe a dozen women or so, less with filtering for interests etc. It's similar for other sites, and often I'll find the same person on more than one site. Likewise, just meeting people in everyday situations I find it pretty rare to come accross a woman who is single. I was in London last night to meet up with some female friends and things seemed much better there - I got talking to someone single, although she's just gone through a pretty nasty break up so it didn't really seem like a good time to ask her out. ;-)

 

Did you have a great pic in your profile? did you have pics at all?

I am sure most people (women and men) judge their possible date online only by pics.

 

I admit my first photo was not exactly the best, but I did improve on it eventually. Worryingly, as soon as I took it down I ended up getting a sudden surge of contacts! Not sure if I should be happy or not Sure, the right photo does make a big difference and yes, I'm positive a lot of people will only make a decision based on photos.

[al7]

1. I go searching for profiles on sites and I'll get maybe a dozen women or so, less with filtering for interests etc.

2. meeting people in everyday situations I find it pretty rare to come accross a woman who is single.

 

1. Amazing. I found out there were a lot of single women here in my area where... there is no actual big city at all: I drive every day past sheeps and squirrels... Hm.

2. Yes, it is definitely true, I agree.

[Ceema-k]

I've said it before... maybe it was to al7: Online dating puts you in touch with the wrong people faster than ever before!

 

Actually, my experiences have been mildly pleasant in the past 2-3 years. Nothing rotten has really happened to me, though at the same time I haven't met anyone who I could date beyond 4 months.

 

I suppose online dating is the same as doing anything online... your attention span drops into the sink and a change of view is only a couple clicks away. My biggest problem is running into extremes... girls who are either very eager to date & come on a little too heavily or girls who I do find attractive but they don't really take the online dating stuff too seriously.

 

Exercising some common sense should see you through most encounters safely.

[al7]

I believe that a good pic is if primary importance to onling dating: in order to get noticed, to get a reply a possibly a date later.

 

Moreover I now think haricut, makeup, clothes are quite important too (just some short time ago I didn't think so).

 

So I wonder: does anyone know, hear d of any books\guide about portrait photography? I.e. How to make a good portrait photo?

Had any one heard about cosmeitcs for men? I guess it is quite new topic, I was not able to find anything about it in internet: you can but it of course, but what to do with it, how to use it?

[Mjane]

Al,

the best photographs are not studio shots. Or that's my opinion. I think they look very fake. But I agree a good photo is essential. A closely cropped photo in good light taken at a good angle is all you need. It would help if the surroundings were nice too. Can't you get a friend with a digital camera to take some shots?

[al7]

Mjane,

 

This is exactly is my point. A good photo is the best thing

after takin like 200 pics with my friends I figured out he is not somehting

who know how to take pics. well, he is not supposed to.

The best pic I saw in general were taken in a studio: more light, correct ligting, good angles... those pic looks good, of course if it looks like you are a suermodel it would look fake sure.

So friends do not help much. all pics I had were below average.

 

Has anyone used anything to improve photo quality?

Any books? Specific guidelines?

[al7]

Does anyone has ideas, tips on how to make an attractive photos?

Why pics taken in a studio looks great most of the time, and no matter how I try I could not get even one good pic?

 

does any one heard about a book or webste about portrait photography?

[al7]

Al,

the best photographs are not studio shots. Or that's my opinion. I think they look very fake. But I agree a good photo is essential.

 

Interesting... makeup doesn't look fake, but a studio pics do look fake??

 

I could not make good pics with myself or with help of my friend.

I need somehting better here...

[al7]

It's a good way to meet people. If you see someone out somewhere you don't know if they're available or not. On the personals you do.

 

From a guy's perspective: On the personals you do know they were available at some point of time. Many many women are not, but still have their profiles up for many reasons.

 

What's my point?

 

For guys online dating is a number game and a huge challenge cuz of it: you may send 50 emails and got a acouple of replies that would not grow into a single date. (Try 50 approaches in real life, it is going to be real different I guess)

 

For women it is like improved version of real life: more applications for a bf without a need to show up on a social gatherings.

[al7]

Seems a lot of guys think it's really easy for women. It's not. Often the responses you get are from people you wouldn't want to date even if they were the only person left on earth.

 

Thats understandable. You still need to filter out responses anyway, even if you would have all hot guys writing to you.

But some of them are not "hot" enough... that's why I advocate good pics.

One good photo in a studio alone may bring 3 times more replies than 10 pic we shot themselves.

I wish I had a friend who works in a photostudio

 

Besides, were you adaptive? I mean if a profile doens't bring good responses, it needs to be revamped.....