what are some of the worst things.....

[cingularity83]

what is the one thing that makes a girl feel neglected or ignored the most in a relationship...is it one particular thing that hurts the most? or is it many different things...if you are a girl and feel that you are involved or has been involved in a relationship where you felt neglected by your boyfriend either because he wasn't around much or just didn't make the effort to see you...etc what was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak...and to the guys when your girl would tell you that she felt neglected...did you even realize that you were not given her enough or did it just sort of surprise you...

[mandyglass]

When I would go out of town, I would call my husband at least every day, just to say that I was thinking of him and let him know how much I loved him. When he would go out of town, or even out with his friends, he never called... It made me feel like he was not ever thinking about me. Girls really do need alot of attention and love. The sooner that men realize that women cannot have enough love, attention, compliments, affection, flowers, cards, phone calls, love letters... The better off we'll all be!

[annie24]

Oh yeah... I can answer this one! Well, first of all, the calls. I was seeing a guy who would only call me once every few days. Ok, that's fine, I understand some people aren't phone types. But then, he got really busy with school, so he started calling me while he was walking to school. Ok fine. But then, he started calling me from the library! These like, 2 minute whispered phone calls, "Hey Annie - It's me, sorry I can't talk right now... I'm at the library." After 2 of those, I stopped returning his calls or even talking to him. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, it is soooo rude to call someone and tell them you don't have time to talk to them. I know that he was busy with school, but that's just a huge message of, "I don't actually like you enough to find 10 minutes where I can talk to you properly."

 

As for other stuff, forgetting birthdays, not wanting to spend the night, being "too busy" to even get a cup of coffee - those are really bad. But, the calling and e-mail issue is quite important to me.

[RayKay]

Remember the following:

 

It's the LITTLE THINGS!

 

I have been in a few long term relationships, but it was never until the one I am in now I realized how much I was missing before sometimes - not that they did not try but thats the thing - the man I am with now does not have to "try" he does things for me because he truly absolutely cares a whole lot for me. He loves seeing me smile, and I know he does not feel like he "HAS" to do things for me. He WANTS to.

 

It will be different for every woman but for me feeling neglected or unloved will basically go in hand with me feeling like I am not respected. For example, a past boyfriend would sometimes be overly critical of things, and pick fights with me and in the end I would be the one apologixing. He just did not do things that distinguished me as someone very special to him - yes he treated me as a "girlfriend" but not as a lifemate/partner - very subtle differences but ones that I see in retrospect. We did not talk of future plans, he would not call just because he had an overwhelming desire to, but more because he had to in order to make plans for example. He would cuddle and touch me, but he never felt totally relaxed with it, or like he "needed" to do it...just because he wanted to be close to me, etc. I did not feel like he truly wanted to share his life with me, like I was on a contract almost and the term would end at some point. He did nice things for me - was thoughtful - but in retrospect sometimes it felt like he did it as he felt he had too. He loved me, but as a person, not as a partner/girlfriend. This was the guy though who also broke up with me as "he liked being with me, but did not want a girlfriend at this time in his life". In retrospect, I can see that.

 

Now my current partner - he asks me questions, is interested in my day, he holds me a lot just because, will spend time just talking to me and cuddling with me, first thing he does when he wakes up in morning is wrap his arms tight around me and tell me how good I feel next to him, he does little things like leave little notes for me, and calls me if he is going to be late home. He'll talk about future plans with me, about wanting to go do this or that together. And while he says he loves me less than the aforementioned partner did, when he says it is means more as it seems like for him, that love is far deeper. Last night as we were watching the television together after getting back from the gym, he told me you know "the last four days I have fallen even more weak in the knees for you - I don't know why, other than just because you are being you". For no reason, but wow, made me feel wonderful. He takes interest in my hobbies/passions and tries to learn them, as I do for him too.

 

The main difference is that both did great things for me, but one sometimes had more selfish reasons, and for one it was almost like he "had to do them"....the other does things because he truly wants to, feels satisfied doing them for both of us. Both loved me, but the latter is in love with me and in love with me for ME as a complete person and a partner. He's the one

 

I think that my former partner, when he finds the right person for him he will be just as caring/loving as my current partner - and thats the key - I think when you find the right person you will go to ends of earth for them just to see them smile, just because you WANT to, because it feels absolutely natural to do so.

[OceanEyes]

Wow, great post RayKay! I can really relate to a lot of things that you said. It's just sad that it actually takes those 'learning experiences' to realize what we were really missing out on.

 

* Something that REALLY stands out in my mind, is the balance of communication. By that, I mean that when my man gets home from work, I'll stop what I'm doing and listen to him gripe about his day, greet him at the door with a big hug, etc. I'm always very attentive when he is speaking to me about anything, but I find that is not always the case when I speak. He is usually very tired from work/ school, so I don't even think he has the energy left to have conversations, but it bothers me that when I speak, he either:

 

- Doesn't say anything (I HATE SILENCE -- I WILL always assume the worst if nothing is said).

 

- Replies with one-word answers like, "yes", "no", "oh", and so on.

 

- Changes the subject or starts cracking jokes. I don't want the funny-man at the end of the day, I just want to 'connect' in the same way that I allow him to when HE gets home.

 

I guess what I'm saying, is that it is VERY important to be supportive, and to always at least try to be an attentive and considerate listener. By this, I mean that you're not doing something else like reading the paper or clicking away at the computer. If she is always there for you when you need someone to talk to, do the same. She may not say anything at the time, but trust me, women remember these things. Just think of it as the 'negative memory bank' that can (and probably will) be brought up at another time.

 

* Don't completely ignore her or change your personality when your friends are around. She won't understand unless you explain it. You can never just 'expect' a woman to understand what goes on in your head, just as we shouldn't expect you to know what goes on in ours. This is why just talking is so important.

 

* If you live together, help out around the house/ apartment with the chores. This is something I've yet to find in any man I've dated. I'm not an ultra-neat person myself, but helping out with things like the dishes, sweeping the floors, picking up your dirty boxers, etc. should really suffice. She will start to feel like your 'mama' if she always has to clean up after you.

[RayKay]

Wow, great post RayKay! I can really relate to a lot of things that you said. It's just sad that it actually takes those 'learning experiences' to realize what we were really missing out on.

 

 

Thanks Ocean - your post is great too of course, as always. I am 100% with you on the communication issues, etc! Silence can be deadly in my opinion. I know guys like to "think things through" but at least if you say "I had a tough day and need some time to think before I come back, its not personal but I need to sort things out in my own head before I can talk about them" or something like that!

 

And the around the house thing - I am amazed at how much my partner helps - he has sort of taken on the dishes as his thing (I'll cook so we split it that way) but he'll tidy up and do laundry and such like that as he works from home sometimes as well. VERY appreciated by me since I have a hard enough time finding time to clean up MY mess, never mind both of ours! Of course, I do my fair share as well.

 

It is too bad we need those "negative" experiences, but maybe if we did not have them we would somehow never really appreciate what we found in the same way and take it granted.

 

I always feel that even pain is needed before true love, as it increases our capacity to feel more deeply and cherish things more. It's all experience - some positive, some negative, but it is life and the pain allows us to feel joy, and vice versa.

[OceanEyes]

I always feel that even pain is needed before true love, as it increases our capacity to feel more deeply and cherish things more. It's all experience - some positive, some negative, but it is life and the pain allows us to feel joy, and vice versa.

 

Well said, and very true. I'll admit, I've done my fair share of hurting in my current relationship, and have never really understood how it is still fulfilling to me. But, it is, and moreso than any other relationship I've been in. I suppose when you feel more 'deeply' for someone, you're bound to be affected by even the smallest things, as opposed to just having a "lukewarm" romance that is seemingly easy-riding.

 

I think I would go crazy if I wasn't faced with obstacles in a relationship (for a perfect 'poetic' example of what I'm talking about, refer to the lyrics of Sneaker Pimps - Velvet Divorce).

[Strandysmommy]

Don't roll your eyes and say you can't help us when we're crying or sad about something. Maybe we don't want you to help us, maybe we just want you to be there to cuddle. Oh yea, and with the one word answers, don't do that...it makes us (or me anyway) feel like I am talking too much and am getting annoying. Feign interest in what we're saying, even if it's totally boring, do it out of respect because I can think of any number of times that I pretended to understand what my ex was rambling on about.

 

Don't date us if you don't actually care; put simply.

[mt_joy]

I think it's the lack of consideration that hurts most, like not calling when yo usay you will, cancelling plans at the last minute, answering your cell phone (unless it's very important) on a date, etc. A girl wants to feel special and cared for. And when I cry, I need to be held. If you ignore it, I will be even more hurt and feel so alone.

[June4life]

If you say you're going to do something, but dont.

 

Dont tell me you're going to call and then dont.... lol that sort of thing really gets to me and bothers me!