Don't you find it annoying when...

[Ceema-k]

You go on a date with a girl & it goes well. On the drive back, she asks you upfront where you stand with her. After you tell her that you think she's cool, she reciprocates the sentiment, but proceeds to tell you that she is currently dating other people.

 

Is this a new style of backhanded slapping?

[my childs mother]

was this a first date? cuz if it was, perhaps she's just letting you know (setting the background for you)...

[Ceema-k]

Yes it was a first date. On the one hand I appreciated her honesty. But I don't why that information has to be shared. If i were already dating another person, I would keep that to myself, because I'd be trying to decide who is best for me, and make my selection later. The girls i'm picking between dont' need to know about each other.

 

When a girl explicitly tells me that she'll be dating other people, am I supposed to eagerly respond with "yes, slot me in as just another guy vying for your attention!"

 

( you should understand that I've never understood the concept of "dating around' without have the ultimate intention of finding someone for a relationship. that's my background for you )

[Caldus]

She's probably just trying to let you know that she's not dating you exclusively. Sometimes people do date more than one person. So all you have to do is let her know that you're the prize.

[Mun]

Maybe you didn't tell her what she wanted to hear and that's why she gave you the comment. "You're cool" is nice, but if she is asking I wonder if maybe she wanted to know more about how you felt about her, but on a first date? wow.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think at this point you can really say her motives. What you have to do is decide how you want to respond to her admission.

[RayKay]

Let me ask you this - if she had NOT told you, and then you found out in a few weeks or whatever that she was dating others and either was "cancelling" them or she was "cancelling" you....would you feel it was unfair that she had not told you?

 

It was a FIRST date, which means not exclusive in my opinion. Too many people seem to think one date means relationship which is not really fair as it is a getting to know you - I don't want to jump into a relationship which requires more commitment unless I am sure - otherwise I might feel obligated to hang on when I find out we are not right for one another, which is harder than just breaking off before getting there. Maybe she was telling you that so you would not think you were "exclusive" due to some past experiences where similar mistakes happened - one thought they were exclusive, another did not!

 

She may have just been trying to be honest with you - it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of scenario. Personally if a guy is seeing others, I do want to know that...and maybe she is same way and feels if she feels that way maybe you would too.

 

Even if she is "dating" a couple people, it does not mean she is not interested in something serious, but she may just take things more slowly rather than get trapped in something. Personally for me I actually "date" when I AM looking for something long term and hopefully permanent as I do not want to get stuck in a going-nowhere relationship or one that will end in a few months or couple years, so if I am looking for "life" I tend to be more cautious and take my time. If you are with Mr. Wrong, it prevents you from keeping the door open to Mr. Right - so dating gives you time to meet different people and get to know them a bit before throwing it all into one guy.

 

On a related note though when I met my current boyfriend, I stopped dating everyone else immediately though did not tell him that. I had no interest in anyone else! He knew I HAD been seeing a couple other guys occasionally, but I already knew I was not that interested in anything long term and when he came along I knew right away that was it so stopped dating the others immediately. I was exclusive right away, though he did not know that until a couple weeks later (at which point we brought up exclusive talk). He too knew almost right away that he wanted me and no one else

[Shidoshi]

I think Muneca's right. She wanted more than just "your cool." Otherwise, why ask in the first place? She knew how it would make you feel by telling you she will be dating other people. Its obvious because she said it right after she asked you how you felt about her. She wasn't satisfied with your response so she decided to make you feel she was worth more. I could spot this one a mile away.

[Ceema-k]

Shidoshi & Muneca > thanks for bringing me up to speed on your point of view. I didn't quite see it that way before.

 

This was actually our second meeting (first one was standard coffee date). And I'm sorry, if someone asks me straight up what I think about them after only 2 meetings, I'm not going to gush on & on about why I think they're the cat's meow (even if they are!). I said I thought she was really cool and said that I'd like to see her some more. She basically responded, "Yes! So we're on the same page." I agreed with her, at which point she warned me that she was dating other people & wasn't exactly looking to jump into a relationship.

 

Bluff or no bluff, at that point if I were also dating other people, I could also mention it so it looked like I too had my eggs spread between many baskets. But I don't.

 

RayKay > when you were dating around before meeting your boyrfriend, did your dating partners knew of each other? Did Guy A know that you were dating around, as did Guy B, Guy C. etc. etc.?

 

thanks for everyone's thoughts so far!

[RayKay]

 

RayKay > when you were dating around before meeting your boyrfriend, did your dating partners knew of each other? Did Guy A know that you were dating around, as did Guy B, Guy C. etc. etc.?

 

thanks for everyone's thoughts so far!

 

Yes Ceema, they did know. I always told them I was actively dating & meeting people. It was usually them who would ask something along the lines of a question as to if I was, and I was always honest about that.

[mt_joy]

Seems like she is just playing the field a bit. I don't think she wants exclusivity, but she wants to be honest that she is dating around.

[Mjane]

I think it's somewhat inappropriate to ask a guy on the second date what his feelings are for you. Who does that? Screams an insecure lady to me.

If I got asked that... I wouldn't even know what to say because it's just way, way too personal a question.

Doesn't everyone assume everyone is dating multiple people until you actually talk about exclusivity?

I do. I always date multiple people until I find a guy that

1) I go on more than one date

2) that I like enough to want to see more

3) I think has relationship potential

[Ceema-k]

Well Mjane, that is the first time ever a girl has flat out asked what I thought about her in our 2nd meeting. What sorta bugged me is how she acted all happy and relieved at my response then kindly warned me about dating those other guys & not wanting exclusivity.

 

That was on Sunday. Now I'm not really bothered by it very much. The benefit is I now know what to expect from her and feel even more free than before to keep meeting new people.

[al7]

am I supposed to eagerly respond with "yes, slot me in as just another guy vying for your attention!"

 

I hate to tell you this, but.. you got it right. This is exactly what she was trying to tell you. Basically it was her a bit weird sign of "Thanks, but I am dating other people and I am not interested"

 

I am very much agree with all what Mjane said above!

[al7]

I think Muneca's right. She wanted more than just "your cool." Otherwise, why ask in the first place? She knew how it would make you feel by telling you she will be dating other people.

 

A very good observation.

Though I don't think anyone would expect from a guy to propos eafter the first date, ok. What did she expect from him? "I love you" kind thing?

After the first date?

 

I guess her message was "I am not interested" from the very beginning.

Besides it is not common to get asked "What do you think.." from a girl.

If she asks, thats not a good sign at all: watch out!

[Mjane]

My divergent point of view here is that I do think she was interested in Ceema and was expecting some declaration of something. She probably just threw out the I'm dating other people comment because she didn't want him to think she was attached already. Make sense? It was a stupid, silly move on her part. I would date her at arms length... meaning... beware.

Ceema, you saying that's the first time you've been asked that only supports my opinion that people don't ask that on the first date. It's just weird. It's just so strange that if I were a guy, I would have been very turned off and probably wouldn't call her again.

Uh, dating. Am I the only one who thinks it sucks? I know life is supposed to be about the journey and not the destination but god I really, really, really dislike dating.... I do so much of it... and it's so time consuming... and I just over and over and over meet guys who are not right for me... ugh... losing faith here....

What do you guys think of this one...

I went on a date Tuesday and fairly quickly into the conversation this guy tells me he owns his own company.... works all the time ... and hasn't taken a paycheck in four years because the company doesn't make any money yet ... That says to me this guy is going to be stressed about money all the time... stressed about everything all the time... my immediate reaction was he's got too many problems...

Too judgemental of me?

[al7]

Mjane,

 

It is possible she liked him and expected somethig... but imagine:

He: You are cool!

She: I am dating other people (go f* youself in other words)

I am sure she either didnt like him at all or expected him to love her so soon which is not stupid but plain crazy. In any case she is not sombody worth to spend time with.

 

You are not alone... dating sucks big time...women are so INCREDIBLE PICKY these days....

What was your idea: men are so poor these days?

 

about the guy: it was his company, his money, his paycheck he chose to re-invest inn the company.. if he is stressed over money it is his problem.

What do you want from a guy in the first place: a good paycheck? Try lawyers\doctors kinda guys. They would be stressed over their work, not their paycheck...

I mean what is a big deal about it? Just figure out your priorities; if money is important do not date guys who don't have money...I am sure it is firly simple to figure out even before the actual meeting with him.

It was not judgemental: if you want money go for it, it is not a problem to find guys who are financially more than ok. Just be very clear about your priorities and don't be afraid to state what you want from a man.

If you put money first, don't talk about morals\education\nice guys things.

It would give a mixed message and it is not conducite to a good communication.

[Mun]

Ok, this is my theory:

 

I think this girl wanted to know how you felt about her, and yes it was a bit soon ( and not smart) of her to ask that on the second date. She probably didn't get the response she wanted ( I like you, I want to see you again.. etc.) so she threw "I'm dating other people" at you as a defense. She probably felt let down by the response you gave her .

 

Now Mjane... about that guy I honestly think he wanted to impress you. Not about not having money but about investing in a company he believes will give him good returns in the long run. Maybe it wasn't a smart move of him to tell you he hasn't taken a paycheck in 4 years--but who paid for the date? Did he expect you to pay for him? If not then I really think something got lost in the "translation" from what he said to what you understood him to be saying.

 

That's what I think sucks about dating.. we say things for one purpose and they get interpreted a different way...and we are not communicating.

 

I've had men tell me how much money they make. What lofty job position they turned down in the past to seek out more "personal" goals--and less pay. What degrees and certifications they have...etc. Now that get's me thinking. Are alot of things men say meant to impress the lady?, but the things women say meant to find out how a guy feels about us? Cuz I don't think we say things to impress guys.. really.

[al7]

I noticed women love to play hard to get. Thats ok....

But i once a guy tries to impress her with anything.. he would immmediately get that "he is despearte" label.

What's going on....??

[Ceema-k]

Telling the girl I thought she was cool was probably the best middle-ground response I could give... with the other options being acting totally aloof or pouring on the compliments. This was a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.

 

It was a stupid thing for her to do. I'd have tried setting up a date with her again this week if it wasn't for that. I'd chalk it up to her age and inexperience (she's 20)

[al7]

Ceema-k,

 

I am totally agree with you.

I would personally be pissed off after even that question "what do you think of me?".

I remember in the very beginning I did that kinda mistake (what I was thinking???) and I quicky learnt it was stupid to ask right away such things for many reasons.

So anyway, if she asks anything like that: she is currently not big on brains. Click NEXT.

[Mun]

Aren't we being a bit harsh? I don't think it was smart of her to ask...but I think it's very natural for a woman to want to know where things are headed and if there is anything there as far as feelings. The mistake was in the timing the second date is not a good time to address that.. and the response about dating others was not good either. Her age and inexperience probably had alot to do with it so I do agree with that.

[al7]

... see I don't understand why a guy would think he has to work harder to impress me when I'm not even trying to impress him.. I don't get it [/color]

 

That means there is no need of impressing a woman?

Don't women like to be chased?

[Ceema-k]

Ooh, i smell another "al7 debate" coming on! j/k

 

I don't think the girl's intelligence is in question. There's a time and place for everything, right? I mean, if we had gone out on another fun date that was longer, more romantic & more involved.. and she asked me where we stood, I wouldn't feel so awkward. I may still have said "you're really cool" but I most definitely would have had.. how do you say... more feeling behind it. And if she kept quiet on dating other people, that date would've been a good date in my book.

 

And let's flip the situation around. What crosses a girl's mind when a guy asks them "how they stand" before the 2nd date is even over? Insecure, not confident, weak... to just name a few.

 

So yeah.. when another inevitable topic surfaces titled "Guys, what do you dislike about dating girls?".. i'll be sure to chime in with this prime example of Dating Don'ts

[al7]

1. I don't think the girl's intelligence is in question.

 

2. And let's flip the situation around. What crosses a girl's mind when a guy asks them "how they stand" before the 2nd date is even over? Insecure, not confident, weak... to just name a few.

 

I am very much agree with 2, what the heck she was thinking??

She asked a stupid question, and got quite decent answer. Now she thougt "ha it is not enough for me, lets strike that guy with something sharp!!" Youknow, maybe she is smart, but smart like devil: you don't say what I want to hear I am gonna "beat" you.

Plus she is aware it looks desperate anyway to ask.

The conclusion is vry simple: somehting is totally worng with that girl...