Breaking up after almost 4 years.

[lostlove76]

Another thing I've learned, from the Mars Venus book, is that men have a different sense of time than we do. Sometimes it takes them weeks before they realize they miss you. While we're counting every agonizing second, it just takes them longer for some reason.

[bellaboo18]

yes I agree ! my notes are normally all of him tho, when we're going to through tough times. I thought about sending them to him?? but than Again I don't know if that's such a good idea..especially so soon into the break up. I usually type things I would normally want to tell him..the struggle! lol. even though I feel like writing here is so much better I usually just write the notes just for the sake of it. I took NyQuil again tonight so I'm just waiting for it to sink in. I Havent ate since 11:30am this morning I keep checking my phone waiting for a text from him but who am I kidding.

[lostlove76]

One more thought.... Sorry, I keep thinking of little things that might help to ease your mind a bit. I forget if I mentioned, but my bf moved a few hours away five months ago. We broke up after we moved, because I think he was thinking that he was now in this brand new place and starting a new life and wanted to meet new people. I cut him off completely, went NC. He did date some girl during that time, but it was just a quick fling/rebound. He called me up and said he loved and missed me and wants me to move there. (Which hasn't happened yet, due to commitment fears and all, but that's irrelevant to this story). So see, he was in this new and exciting place, but once he got settled, he missed me. He didn't forget about me. He still loves me. He could have moved on and forgotten all about me, but that didn't happen.

[bellaboo18]

Another thing I've learned, from the Mars Venus book, is that men have a different sense of time than we do. Sometimes it takes them weeks before they realize they miss you. While we're counting every agonizing second, it just takes them longer for some reason.

 

I really hope that's the case! I mean I wish he would realize it sooner but I rather wait weeks than never. he's the typical guy I swear.

[bellaboo18]

One more thought.... Sorry, I keep thinking of little things that might help to ease your mind a bit. I forget if I mentioned, but my bf moved a few hours away five months ago. We broke up after we moved, because I think he was thinking that he was now in this brand new place and starting a new life and wanted to meet new people. I cut him off completely, went NC. He did date some girl during that time, but it was just a quick fling/rebound. He called me up and said he loved and missed me and wants me to move there. (Which hasn't happened yet, due to commitment fears and all, but that's irrelevant to this story). So see, he was in this new and exciting place, but once he got settled, he missed me. He didn't forget about me. He still loves me. He could have moved on and forgotten all about me, but that didn't happen.

 

This is why NC is so important. I feel like it really does wonders! thank you for this, I'm definitely keeping NC.

[lostlove76]

yes I agree ! my notes are normally all of him tho, when we're going to through tough times. I thought about sending them to him?? but than Again I don't know if that's such a good idea..especially so soon into the break up. I usually type things I would normally want to tell him..the struggle! lol. even though I feel like writing here is so much better I usually just write the notes just for the sake of it. I took NyQuil again tonight so I'm just waiting for it to sink in. I Havent ate since 11:30am this morning I keep checking my phone waiting for a text from him but who am I kidding.

 

All my notes are about mine too. And noooooo, don't send them to him!! Let him wonder what you're thinking. Guys get very overwhelmed with all of our emotional thoughts. They don't understand them, because they aren't women. And if he knows all the time and thoughts you're investing into him, it again gives him the upper hand. He knows he can have you back at any time, and that doesn't give him any incentive to figure things out. He needs to at some point worry that he could lose you, in order to value what he has.

[bellaboo18]

you're totally right bad idea. well I'm suppose to see him the week of the 21st because we planned a trip and I already took half of the week off. my plan is to not speak to him until then. I know it's not a month but at least I'm trying. He agreed to see me until that week so let's see if he's still up for it or not. If he is I know there's still a chance but if he changes his mind than I'm definitely going to have to move on.

[lostlove76]

So you've planned a trip together, and it's still on (as of now)? Did he say, after you broke up, that he still wants to go?

 

He agreed to see me until that week

What does this mean... do you mean he agreed not to see you? Is that because you told him you need space?

 

Sorry, just trying to get clear on the situation about the trip....

[bellaboo18]

Well we were suppose to go celebrate his sisters birthday but because we haven't really been planning anything (especially now) we might just do a small road trip somewhere which he did say after the break up that he was still up for it. And I'm sorry I should of been more clear I told him we both needed space so we both agreed not to talk to each other until that week of our trip.

[lostlove76]

No need to apologize

 

Okay, that clears it up, thanks.

 

A lot can happen in the next two and a half weeks, so we'll see where things are closer to time and if he's texted/call you by then. For now just focus on staying NC and making yourself stronger. I know how hard it is.

[bellaboo18]

Hey lostlove76,

 

I ended up falling asleep last night... I had weird dreams of him nothing good or bad it was just random things and he was in it. I miss him so much

[bellaboo18]

so his sister posted a small clip of him on snapchat of him listening to music in the car and he seemed pretty happy why is this happening to me..

[lostlove76]

Hey bellaboo. Coming to see how you're doing today. I'm about to go somewhere but will be back in a few hours and here the rest of the evening if you need to chat some.

 

So sorry that you're hurting I often have dreams of mine, too, while we're on the outs.

 

I know that video hurt. But remember that it's just a moment in time, and doesn't mean that he's happy all the time. Even if he is, remember that it takes guys longer to process things and longer to miss someone. And guys don't wallow like we do (well some guys do, but most guys don't). They pretty much get on with things and distract themselves, and they feel that it's weak to show their emotions to the world.

 

We can't know for sure that he'll come back, so you have to somewhat try to be mentally prepared for that. But most guys do come back at some point, I have found. It's oftentimes once you have moved on that they come back, and then they're out of luck. Some come back sooner, and some later.

 

I know it hurts, but you're doing well with the NC. I would suggest not looking at his social media, but I know it's hard not to! Because you want to feel that little connection of knowing what he's up to. But it just makes you feel bad to see him seemingly happy while you're hurting.

 

I'll check back with you later. Hang in there! One day at a time.

[bellaboo18]

Thank you so much for checking up on me. I was not having it this morning but through out the day I seemed to get better. I pretty much convinced myself that I really should focus on my life rather than thinking and wondering what he's doing. I just came back from jogging so at least I'm getting my strength back. I'm also having my first meal of the day..a small portion but something is better than nothing. I still think about him every single second of the day..just thinking about what he told me last time I saw him and trying to figure things out while we were together that I didn't realize than. to be completely honest I feel like this has started (again) because I've let myself go with this job I started a couple of months ago..I've gained weight...been putting so many hours at work that I haven't even focused on myself..and he's told me that a couple of weeks ago. it didn't hurt me to hear it because I KNEW but because he always said he didn't care about the way I looked because I'm not skinny I'm pretty much on the "thick" side..but I was starting to get a chubby stomach from sitting down at work so many hours..so I didn't do much about it. My goal right now is to focus on bettering myself hopefully I lose a few pounds by the time I see him which isn't a month from now..but at least it's something. I'm not only doing this for him but for me too..his words just gave me an extra push. This is the only thing I can think of that's causing all of this. because other than that I treated him like a king, I've always been faithful, I was always there when he didn't have anything. He can't complain..at all.

[bellaboo18]

He even told me that he's losing interest in me. This has to be the reason why. I also think his friend plays a role in this..but il tell you about that later on.

[lostlove76]

Hey. I can't imagine that he broke up with you because of weight, and if he did, that's extremely shallow. You're just looking for a concrete reason why he's distanced, and so your mind is telling you that it's because you're not good enough in some way (i.e. gained some weight). I have a tendency to have those kind of thoughts myself. It's normal to feel that way - I think most women would feel the same. We're too hard on ourselves! But please try not to believe that he broke up with you because you gained a few pounds. I very much doubt that has anything to do with it. If he loves you, a small weight change does not matter.

 

It's great that you're using this as motivation to better yourself, though. And not that this is necessarily a healthy thing, but you're bound to lose a few pounds because you haven't been eating. I'm not recommending or encouraging that at all! Just saying that it's bound to happen. You need to eat to keep your strength up, even if just a little. Like you said, it's better than nothing. You'll be better able to cope with the sad emotions if you're eating regularly and getting enough sleep, and exercise is great as well.

 

There could be any number of reasons why he's said that he's losing interest. It could be that the emotional connection was faltering for some reason. It could be that he's depressed and therefore unable to feel things as strongly (which has absolutely nothing to do with you). It could be that he's mistaking the comfort level of a long-term relationship with loss of interest because the honeymoon period is over. It could be that he's a commitment-phobe and will periodically go through these cycles (cp's talk themselves out of being with someone by focusing on imagined negatives). It could be an outside influence, like you mentioned something about a friend playing a role. He could be having somewhat of a quarter-life crisis and reevaluating his future. It could be anything. Any of the above, or something I've not even thought of. Unfortunately, there's no way to know unless he tells you. And he himself may not even know.

 

You're very sweet, and it sounds like you were a good girlfriend, so please don't blame yourself.

 

I need to go eat dinner but will check back in a bit. Hugs!

[bellaboo18]

you're probably right. I'm just terrified he left me for something I can't change. he does focus a lot on the negatives..compares our relationship to others. we're not perfect but we've came a long way. I don't even know what to think anymore. iv only ate once today and I'm already in bed its 7:11pm waiting for the NyQuil to kick in again. Around this time is the hardest for me because I know he's not working so he's either home watching tv or going out with his friend to watch a game..either way so much free time and yet no call/text from him so I rather spend it sleeping because knowing me il end up writing to him.

[lostlove76]

Nighttime was the hardest for me, too (during off periods with my bf). Because that's normally when he would call. I did like you, I tried to go to bed early and take benadryl so I could sleep. But it did eventually get easier, somehow... I guess just with the passing of time. Same with the food... my appetite would always eventually come back. Just be patient and gentle with yourself.

 

I'm just terrified he left me for something I can't change.

If this was the case, he probably would have left you long ago for it instead of being with you for 4 years. I think it was probably something that changed entirely in his own mind, and not something about you. You've been the same person for 4 years, unless your personality has changed dramatically (which I would bet that it hasn't).

 

I've never been in a relationship anywhere close to 4 years. I've been on/off with my current bf for the past almost 2 years, and this is the longest I've ever been with one person. The second longest was 1 year. So I don't have any experience with someone "losing interest" after 4 long years, but I would imagine it's either a) something in his own life or mind, or b) the two of you growing in different directions since you're so young. I really don't think it's anything about you! And certainly not your fault.

[bellaboo18]

He says it's not me that it's him. he just lost interest in me I guess...yes said worse things before in a break like even left me to me with someone else so I don't even know why I'm acting like its the end of the world without him because he's hurt me way more and we still ended up together. I think because this time I don't know exactly what it is so its really worrying me if there's even a chance with him again... I don't know I'm just waiting it out we really haven't had any space between is ..i don't think we ever have so that's why I'm NC. so he can see what it's like not to have me around..if a week goes by and he hasn't contacted me I'm probably my just going to assume he really doesn't want nothing with me.

[lostlove76]

I'm on my phone so it's hard to quote, but that last sentence about if a week goes by... It would be better for you to try to move on in your mind, and focus on yourself more than him. But gosh I know how hard that is. It was near impossible for me during NC periods. All I thought about was him.

 

I never want to give false hope, so please don't take this as that, but remember that I've gone weeks without talking to mine and he came back as in love with me as ever. And in the Mars Venus book the author says that sometimes three weeks will pass by before a guy remembers how much he loves you. So it's not a hopeless situation if it goes beyond a week.

I've even had guys come back months or years later (and usually by then I didn't want them anymore, because they left a sour memory by hurting me). You may very well discover with time that YOU don't want HIM anymore, because you deserve better!

 

It's good that you are giving him space and not pressuring him. If he does come back, maybe don't make it super easy for him to just waltz back in. He's hurt you, and that's not okay. Be a little guarded if he comes back around. Not to play games, but because you're protecting your heart. But I guess that's getting ahead of ourselves, as we don't know yet what he's going to do.

[lostlove76]

I just stumbled upon this. He gives some great advice!

 

 

[bellaboo18]

hey lost love,

 

I had a dream about him last night he texted me saying "it's been 4 days and you haven't spoken to me? don't u miss me?" ...it felt so real. you think dreams are some kind of signs..maybe he's thinking about it and I ended up dreaming it? I don't know I guess probably not.

 

Il check out that thread once I get to work.

[bellaboo18]

I read his post it was very interesting ! it really had me thinning about some things.

 

Space is probably what we need, I know I definitely have to find myself and better myself because I've let myself go for being too comfortable in the relationship. the mornings and nights are the hardest for me. just taking it day by day.

[el3112]

Its been refreshing in a sense to read your feelings and the advice you have received, im going through the exact same thing, me and my ex arent bad people infact the break up was not bad at all we didnt hate eachother , it hurt me alot as it wasnt my decision and its the first time in 6 years we have broken up. I think your gut does play a huge part in this and even though its the blind leading the blind here if you feel it isnt over for whatever reason that must mean something! Its been 2 months today since we havent been together and the longest he hasnt contacted me is a week throughout this, he has contacted me every day since friday even though it hasnt been about us i know he cant seem to let us go, how is your no contact going? Has he tried to contact you? I think for me i need to do no contact and if he continues to contact me i need to tell him we cant be in contact for a bit, but right now i dont understand the logic behind not speaking with somebody if you want them? What if he moves on or forgets about me? I just want to say your post has helped alot because i feel our circumstances are similiar!

[bellaboo18]

Its been refreshing in a sense to read your feelings and the advice you have received, im going through the exact same thing, me and my ex arent bad people infact the break up was not bad at all we didnt hate eachother , it hurt me alot as it wasnt my decision and its the first time in 6 years we have broken up. I think your gut does play a huge part in this and even though its the blind leading the blind here if you feel it isnt over for whatever reason that must mean something! Its been 2 months today since we havent been together and the longest he hasnt contacted me is a week throughout this, he has contacted me every day since friday even though it hasnt been about us i know he cant seem to let us go, how is your no contact going? Has he tried to contact you? I think for me i need to do no contact and if he continues to contact me i need to tell him we cant be in contact for a bit, but right now i dont understand the logic behind not speaking with somebody if you want them? What if he moves on or forgets about me? I just want to say your post has helped alot because i feel our circumstances are similiar!

 

Hi, thank you so much for reading our posts, lostlove has been helping me get through this. He still hasn't tried contacting me it's still soon I'm guessing, it's been since Saturday that I haven't seen or spoken to him. Yesterday I started to feel better but today I just want to crawl into bed and be there forever, my mind is my worst friend right now because I keep thinking what if he's moving on, if he's even thinking about me..I know he loves me..he would tell me every day..even when he broke up with me he told me he loved and cared for me..he says the interest just isn't there.....i believe he just needs some time without having me around because even when we were broken up we would still hang out. I think this time is the first time it's Been this long that we haven't spoken, and it's killing me.