Breaking up after almost 4 years.

[bellaboo18]

This break up has been going back and forth for a while but today he completely made up his mind that it was time to officially be done. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship because of a family situation and claims he doesn't have time or hasn't been putting his 100% in the relationship due to the fact his mind is somewhere else with his family and work. He also says he's lost interest in me and doesn't know if that can ever come back. I have done so much for him since day one I've basically been his first true relationship showed him what I had to offer because he was use to being hurt or cheating/getting cheated on in the past that I basically made him who he is today. It is beyond heart breaking that he feels the need to just break things off for good. He's tried to break up before but I've always convinced him not to and we would be "good" but I feel like this time he's had enough but also says that we never know what can happen in a year or two that we will definitely cross paths.

 

 

I've been an emotional wreck I cried to him when I promised myself I wouldn't, he was comforting me the whole time. We spoke, explained to him we have history we talked about kids we also planned trips this year like what am I doing wrong and of course he throws in "its not you its me". I've really gotten the hint that I must leave him alone but it's so hard because I love him so so much and it breaks my heart that he doesn't feel the same. I'm really praying that after time goes by and we haven't spoken, that he realizes what he had and starts to miss me.

[msbrunette]

As much as you're hurting right now. Convincing someone to stay - is never a good sign. It's a sign that your foundation is cracking and you are barely holding on. You cannot have the mindset to save a relationship on your own. The sad answer is that you will have to let him go. You will have to find the self love you have inside and pick yourself up. Crying to him, begging for him - won't change his mind & if it does ... it's never a good way to go, you'll be here in a few months. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't all you can do right now is take care of yourself. Go NC do whatever it takes but think of you. Good luck.

[C930]

I am in a similar situation, I just can't seem to move on.

[bellaboo18]

msbrunette: thank you so much for writing to me. You are 100% right about everything. I need to focus more on myself. I've put him first all the time that my emotions are taking over and can't concentrate on myself. I know things will get better

[bellaboo18]

I am in a similar situation, I just can't seem to move on.

 

message me, it is nice to talk to someone who understands where I am coming from .

[lostlove76]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I agree with all that msbrunette said.

 

I would suggest googling the heck out of NC (no contact) and reading all the articles. It will give you strength, and seems to give the best chances of someone eventually realizing they made a mistake and coming back. It doesn't mean that he'll come back for sure. He may not, and you have to prepare yourself for that. NC is supposed to be first and foremost about taking the time to heal. Any contact you have with him will just keep you hooked and hopeful. Hang in there!

[bellaboo18]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I agree with all that msbrunette said.

 

I would suggest googling the heck out of NC (no contact) and reading all the articles. It will give you strength, and seems to give the best chances of someone eventually realizing they made a mistake and coming back. It doesn't mean that he'll come back for sure. He may not, and you have to prepare yourself for that. NC is supposed to be first and foremost about taking the time to heal. Any contact you have with him will just keep you hooked and hopeful. Hang in there!

 

Thank you so much for this. I completely agree. I'm just so attached to him that it's hurting me not seeing his name pop up on my phone even tho this just happened. But I know how he is of course he's the stronger person and won't give in at least not right now. but today he acted like we were still together so I played along a little, pretended we were okay but deep down inside I was shattered. when I finally decided to come home I told him I would give him space and he said he was thankful I was understanding. This breaks my heart.

[lostlove76]

Thank you so much for this. I completely agree. I'm just so attached to him that it's hurting me not seeing his name pop up on my phone even tho this just happened. But I know how he is of course he's the stronger person and won't give in at least not right now. but today he acted like we were still together so I played along a little, pretended we were okay but deep down inside I was shattered. when I finally decided to come home I told him I would give him space and he said he was thankful I was understanding. This breaks my heart.

 

I know it does. I'm sorry You'll get stronger as each day passes, though you will still miss him for a long time. If you don't reach out to him, he will eventually wonder what's up and will probably call you. It may take weeks. I've been through NC with my current on/off boyfriend, and he always comes back. I don't call him, he calls me. Our situation is completely different, though.

 

He wants space, so give him all the space in the world. Don't give him the benefit of knowing what's up in your life, or getting to talk to you when he's feeling low, or getting to keep you as a friend. He lost those privileges when he broke up with you. It will be really really hard not to contact him, but I promise it will get easier each day! You'll feel stronger the longer you do it (NC).

[bellaboo18]

He wants space, so give him all the space in the world. Don't give him the benefit of knowing what's up in your life, or getting to talk to you when he's feeling low, or getting to keep you as a friend. He lost those privileges when he broke up with you. It will be really really hard not to contact him, but I promise it will get easier each day! You'll feel stronger the longer you do it (NC).

 

NC would be so much easier if I didn't think about him talking to another girl because that would just kill me. it's too soon and he assured me he wasn't looking for nobody else or wanted anything with anybody else since he did break up because he has too much going. I treated him perfect, never cheated, always been there for him, spoiled him so much, been through his darkest times, his younger sisters and mom loves me. it's like he knows he has it perfect yet doesn't want me. Why is it that when you go above and beyond you pretty much get fu**** over?

 

From the bottom of my heart thank you for talking to me, this is truly making me feel better.

[lostlove76]

NC would be so much easier if I didn't think about him talking to another girl because that would just kill me. it's too soon and he assured me he wasn't looking for nobody else or wanted anything with anybody else since he did break up because he has too much going. I treated him perfect, never cheated, always been there for him, spoiled him so much, been through his darkest times, his younger sisters and mom loves me. it's like he knows he has it perfect yet doesn't want me. Why is it that when you go above and beyond you pretty much get fu**** over?

 

From the bottom of my heart thank you for talking to me, this is truly making me feel better.

 

Aw, you're welcome. I know how you feel!!!

 

I always worry about mine talking to other girls, as well, but this time around I told myself that if he does, then he just does. One time when we were broken up, he actually did have something with another girl (right after he moved away and we broke up because of the distance). But it didn't last long, and we got back together. He said it didn't mean anything with her, and I know that it didn't. It was just a rebound. Also, before he came back committed a year ago, I found out he was messing around with other girls - this was before he would ever call what we had a *relationship*. I dropped him and went NC. He came back three weeks later saying he only cared about me, and that he just had to realize it. SO, my point in telling you all this is that maybe being with another girl is what he needs to see how good he had it with you. Think of it that way. If he doesn't realize it, then he's an idiot, because you seem very sweet and like a very good girlfriend. If he needs to sow his wild oats, it will hurt, but that just looks bad on him, not you.

[bellaboo18]

Aw, you're welcome. I know how you feel!!!

 

I always worry about mine talking to other girls, as well, but this time around I told myself that if he does, then he just does. One time when we were broken up, he actually did have something with another girl (right after he moved away and we broke up because of the distance). But it didn't last long, and we got back together. He said it didn't mean anything with her, and I know that it didn't. It was just a rebound. Also, before he came back committed a year ago, I found out he was messing around with other girls - this was before he would ever call what we had a *relationship*. I dropped him and went NC. He came back three weeks later saying he only cared about me, and that he just had to realize it. SO, my point in telling you all this is that maybe being with another girl is what he needs to see how good he had it with you. Think of it that way. If he doesn't realize it, then he's an idiot, because you seem very sweet and like a very good girlfriend. If he needs to sow his wild oats, it will hurt, but that just looks bad on him, not you.

 

Seeing him with another girl will completely break my heart. the other times we broke up was because he actually was talking to someone else and it didn't work out. Knowing how he is he's very picky, he's very hard to understand and I don't think there's any girl out there that can treat him the way I did. maybe a rebound is a good idea, just so that he can explore what out there and realize things with me. but which is another reason why I'm in NC with him because we would talk every day. Maybe now not having me around will make him wonder. Should I just talk to other guys to keep my mind somewhere else? I feel like if I do it's wrong.

[lostlove76]

Seeing him with another girl will completely break my heart. the other times we broke up was because he actually was talking to someone else and it didn't work out. Knowing how he is he's very picky, he's very hard to understand and I don't think there's any girl out there that can treat him the way I did. maybe a rebound is a good idea, just so that he can explore what out there and realize things with me. but which is another reason why I'm in NC with him because we would talk every day. Maybe now not having me around will make him wonder. Should I just talk to other guys to keep my mind somewhere else? I feel like if I do it's wrong.

 

I think most people here would tell you to ditch him forever, because you definitely deserve better! But I know that you're not in that mindset right now, and you won't ditch him until you're ready. I haven't given up on mine, after over a year and a half of much nonsense. I love him, and I know he loves me, so I keep wanting it to work. I guess I'm an eternal optimist, in some ways. Look at Prince William and Kate - they broke up at one point and he went out partying and living it up, until he realized that he was ready to settle down with her. She, in the meantime, did her own thing and made sure to look good doing it. Another example is Maks and Peta from the US version of Dancing with the Stars. They broke up because he wasn't ready to settle down, and he got with other girls. Now they've just gotten married, because he realized that she was the one for him. So sometimes rebounds and dating other people really does make someone realize what they had.

 

Do make him wonder. And make it harder for him to come back this time. Make him invest the effort. He messed it up, so he has to do the work to get back in your good graces. Sometimes if they know you're out with other guys, it triggers a protective urge to come back and claim you. On the other hand, it could make them get mad and pout and stay away because they're hurt. So I don't know about that one. I don't think it's wrong if you want to talk to other guys. Not wrong at all!! You're not the one who messed things up with your ex/bf, he did! You are free to do what you want. During some of our off periods with mine, I talked to other guys, and it distracted me for a short while... but ultimately it made me yearn for him more, because I compared everyone to him and no one lived up.

 

These are just my thoughts, and I worry that it's like the blind leading the blind... people think I'm crazy for sticking it out with my guy, so maybe I am. I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction. So just take what I say as food for thought. I only want the best for you, and I know that right now what you want is HIM. For the record, I do think you deserve better than what he's doing. Hugs.

[bellaboo18]

lostlove76 : that's exactly what I'm doing..comparing him to other guys and it's like I can't seem to keep him off my mind. I had the biggest urge to write to him today but didn't. because I'm really thinking to myself that this NC stage will help me or us in the long run. Please don't forget about me... I'm not even talking to my close friends about this. you are basically the only person that has been keeping me sane.

[lostlove76]

lostlove76 : that's exactly what I'm doing..comparing him to other guys and it's like I can't seem to keep him off my mind. I had the biggest urge to write to him today but didn't. because I'm really thinking to myself that this NC stage will help me or us in the long run. Please don't forget about me... I'm not even talking to my close friends about this. you are basically the only person that has been keeping me sane.

 

Aw, I'm here for you. I subscribed to your threads, so I'm trying to keep up with new comments under the subscriptions tab and hoping I don't miss any. I won't forget about you! I'm proud of you that you haven't contacted him. Good job! How long has it been since you and he last talked?

because I'm really thinking to myself that this NC stage will help me or us in the long run

Definitely. It will either:

1. Make him realize what he lost, and respect you more because you aren't chasing after him

and/or

2. Make you feel stronger and allow you the space to do things that make you feel better about yourself

and/or

3. Evenutally get over him, if that's what needs to happen. You can't get over someone when you're still talking to them.

[bellaboo18]

lostlove76 : last time I saw and spoke to him was yesterday, I know so soon and Im already acting like it's been forever. well that's how it feels like. he acted as if we were normal the thing with me is hat I'm so attached to him it was taking me forever to finally leave and I live at least an hour away. when I left he gave me a kiss on the mouth and is when I got home and told him about space and he agreed. so I haven't spoken to him since. I don't have him in any social media never have. but for my sake I'm only keeping Facebook and snapchat barely. I took NyQuil around 6 so that I can sleep and not think about him or talk to him, it's. now 9pm and I'm going back to sleep soon because I'm so tired so sorry if there's a lot of typos

[lostlove76]

lostlove76 : last time I saw and spoke to him was yesterday, I know so soon and Im already acting like it's been forever. well that's how it feels like. he acted as if we were normal the thing with me is hat I'm so attached to him it was taking me forever to finally leave and I live at least an hour away. when I left he gave me a kiss on the mouth and is when I got home and told him about space and he agreed. so I haven't spoken to him since. I don't have him in any social media never have. but for my sake I'm only keeping Facebook and snapchat barely.

 

I know how you feel about it feeling like forever. I'm sorry you're hurting

 

ETA: I just saw your edit about sleep. I can never sleep because I'm thinking of mine, and I have to take Benadryl most nights. I hope you do get some sleep!

[bellaboo18]

yea if I don't take NyQuil I won't be able to sleep I'm just hoping I don't have to take it every night it's not healthy 😔 one day I'l be as strong as you are and hopefully be in your position where he comes back to me.

[lostlove76]

You will be strong! I'm not always strong though. It depends on the given day. I can easily manage not to call him, but that doesn't mean I don't cry and get depressed and feel just awful. But if you can manage to at least not reach out to you, he'll have to call you if he wants to talk. If you usually are the one to call, he'll wonder why you aren't and it will make him think, and it will make you seem strong. You can do this

[bellaboo18]

I got to work and took off all the pics I have of him...I just wanna make sure that this will help me get him back later on..I spoke with his sister and she told me he does love me and care for me he's just being hard headed and wants to be alone right now..but why would he say he's not interested in me anymore? when his actions told me otherwise last time I saw him..idk it's just thoughts I'm having now.

[lostlove76]

Hey! Real quick, just want to clarify that when I said this in my last post: "But if you can manage to at least not reach out to you", I meant "But if you can manage to at least not reach out to him." Sorry.

 

I just wanna make sure that this will help me get him back later on

I hope I'm telling you the right things, but I'm far from a relationship expert, so I do hope others will continue to give opinions as well! Because the last thing I want to do is steer you wrong. Everything I've been telling you is what I've learned from reading tons and tons of online advice articles and books, as well as based on my own experiences.

 

he's just being hard headed and wants to be alone right now

When someone is being hard-headed and wants to be alone, you have to give them space. If you don't, they'll feel pressured and resentful and annoyed, and your value will go down in their eyes. Whereas if you DO leave them alone and give them space, they see that you have the strength to do so, and that you respect their needs.

 

Two more books I would recommend are:

Why Men Love B*tches -- the acronym "b*tch" stands for "babe in total control of herself," so don't let the wording throw you off. It teaches you how to have good boundaries, and what to do when guys are giving you mixed signals and messing you around.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -- this book explains the differences between men and women, why men need so much space, what to do when they are taking space. It also goes through the stages of a relationship, including the uncertainty stage, and how to handle it.

 

Reading books like those kept me sane during the longest periods of time apart with my current guy, and gave me good information/advice that will help me both now and in the future. It also keeps your fingers off the phone!!

 

but why would he say he's not interested in me anymore? when his actions told me otherwise last time I saw him

He's giving you mixed signals, which is soooo wrong, and so damaging to you. Of course you're confused! He's not doing you right. It sounds like he's confused as well, for whatever reason. I'm sure that he does love and care for you, but is for some reason needing space right now to sort things out. As scary as it is, you just have to give him that space, because pushing will inevitably backfire. (You're not pushing, you're doing great, so bravo )

 

I'm sorry that it took so long to reply to your last post. I've been slow today, but I'll check in the rest of the night if you need to chat more

[lostlove76]

Another book suggestion:

 

The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship by Dean C Delis -- Right now, you are in the weaker position and he has the upper hand because you want the relationship and he doesn't (at least that's what he's feeling in the moment). This lowers your value in his eyes, to be in the weaker position. You have to flip the dynamic, become stronger, have at least an equal if not upper hand. This all sounds like games that should have no place in a loving relationship, but unfortunately, this is how we humans work. Read the book!! It explains it much better and much more thoroughly than I can.

[bellaboo18]

lostlove76: thank you so much for the book suggestions, I think im going to start reading them because I need to know more about this situation. I'm only on day 2 and feels like I haven't spoken to him in forever today I almost gave in but I didn't, every time I try to give in I come back here or I google articles as to why it's so important to keep NC. i just don't want him to forget about me or worse, talk to other girls. which he's told me he's not even interested in talking to anyone else. but I keep thinking about the times when we would talk about our future or when he would FaceTime me...I wish I wasn't going through this and I'm really starting to think it's been starting since his whole family issue began. because he's changed so much for me that our relationship was perfect for the first time in a long time.

 

Thank you for checking up on me. Clearly I'm doing the same because I'm not talking to anybody about this.

[lostlove76]

Hang in there... I know that every second feels like a week. Believe me, I know!

 

When my bf and I first started dating, after the first 6 weeks I got mad and ended it. Then I tried to fix it, but he proceeded to flatly ignore me for the next month and a half, as I sent text after text after text. I finally stopped for two whole weeks, and the next text I sent, he answered. So me "chasing" after him for a month and a half did NOT work - he wouldn't have anything to do with me. But going completely NC for two weeks DID work, as he finally answered me.

 

Months later, after we'd been seeing each other again but he was distant and non-committal, I got mad and ended it again and went NC. Complete NC for 3 whole weeks, and then HE called ME and said he was sorry, didn't care about anyone else, and wanted to be with me and only me. This is the point at which he started calling it a real relationship, we became exclusive, and eventually worked up to the boyfriend/girlfriend titles and even putting it on facebook. If I hadn't walked away and gone NC, I guarantee he would have kept being distant and non-committal. We still have problems, but we are miles ahead of where we were before I walked away.

 

So I hope that gives you some peace and hope, to know that NC didn't make mine forget about me. It made him miss me a whole lot and realize what he was losing. It gave him the space to come to this realization on his own.

[bellaboo18]

that's exactly what I want and praying for !! that's why I'm really trying my best. the good thing is that I haven't cried since I saw him. I'm usually an emotional wreck but I haven't cried since Friday. I'm still not eating right and of course still sad about everything but at least I have control of my emotions...maybe because I know things will turn out good in the long run. Your experiences really made me open my eyes as to why this NC is so important. I just have a lot of fear of him forgetting about me or finding someone else...when he broke up with me a month ago about something so stupid we pretty much went 3 days without talking until he gave in and told me he missed me....that's the type of hope I'm going for but this break up is far too serious.

 

I really hope I'm not boring you with this lol. I tried keep my thoughts on my phone but it's not the same when you actually have someone listening.

[lostlove76]

You're not boring me at all!!! I feel like you and I are a lot alike, and I want to help in any way I can. I'm many years older than you, but I'm still going through the same types of emotions that you're having. So trust me, I can totally relate

 

I keep my thoughts on my phone too!! Haha, I thought I was the only one so that is neat to hear. Just about every single day, I type into the notes section all of my worries and thoughts, and use it to try to talk myself out of some of the most negative thinking. It really helps. I also talk with others in my real life, as well as now coming here. People have been so kind and helpful on my thread. It's good to get feedback, because when we're stuck with our own thoughts, we sometimes lose perspective. And it's just nice to have the support and know that people understand and care