Really having a tough time coping with end of relationship, advice needed.

[Johnny Anony]

I am really having a tough time coping with the end of my common law relationship in which we share 3 kids, and a new home and dreams of a future together. She detached emotionally from me in September, about a month ago she had verbalized that she was through, I left for a couple of weeks to give us time apart while leaving the door open for us but last week she had ultimately made her final decision to walk away with out trying counselling. Since she wanted to leave I came home and she moved out. It was quite hard on me but she was making a choice to leave, and she is getting an apartment. I guess it's hard because she made a choice to detach months ago and for me it's really only a week since I was faced with the fact things are over. I'm getting all the grief stages, mostly guilt, and bargaining. But I get very angry, and even still have some denial. I accept my role in the break up as I was absent emotionally as well and perhaps she made the best move for both of us. What are some of the coping methods some of you have tried to get through this, at times I feel no reason to live. I have such anger and sadness it's hard to watch my kids. She will be moving them into an apartment. I decided to keep the house and we can live in the same town while co parenting. It's hard to see her, I still love her, but understand why it's best we split. I guess it's the guilt I'm having is just wanting to get another chance and fix things. But I truly don't believe that's what I want. But it's what I feel. Anyway any advice will be appreciated.

[mmendes]

I know how you feel, bro. I ve lost someone I love and it hurt really deep.

First of all, realize that you have a reason to live: your kids. They need a dad. I know it sucks to keep going out of responsabity rather than pleasure, but sometimes that's all we got.

Go LC with your ex: don't talk to her about anything but the kids. This is the only way you can heal.

As for coping...try doing something new...the things everyone suggest is going to gym, talking to friends, partying....

I believe friends are the best for such moments. Don't be alone. Reach out for some good mate of yours and talk to them about your feelings. It's hard to come out from our shell, but it does really help.

When you realize you can live without her, start to put in to your mind the idea that she does not deserve to be a part of your life. Sure, you need to talk about the kids, but keep to that. She left you...now it's your job to make life around you a big, nice party that she is not invited to.

If you need anything, or even someone to listen to you, I am here.

[thejigsup]

You were emotionally unavailable to her. That kills love for us females. Don't do that with you future partners, it's the kiss of death. I feel for her more than for you. She must have felt very alone for a very long time. Did you do the same thing with your children? You can't get her back, but you can work on your relationship with your children. Be the best dad you can be and the rest will work itself out. If only you would have seen the signs, but so few men ever do.

[kbbcoop77]

You were emotionally unavailable to her. That kills love for us females. Don't do that with you future partners, it's the kiss of death. I feel for her more than for you. She must have felt very alone for a very long time. Did you do the same thing with your children? You can't get her back, but you can work on your relationship with your children. Be the best dad you can be and the rest will work itself out. If only you would have seen the signs, but so few men ever do.

 

Kind of harsh. True, men don't see the signs, but women don't verbalize there's a problem that's big enough for them to consider leaving. My wife did this same thing after 24 years. Reality is they usually have found someone else who piques their interest before imploding the family.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Kind of harsh. True, men don't see the signs, but women don't verbalize there's a problem that's big enough for them to consider leaving. My wife did this same thing after 24 years. Reality is they usually have found someone else who piques their interest before imploding the family.

 

So true. They'll tell you after your hearts in a million pieces all over the floor that things have been building up for awhile and all the signs were there. Meanwhile, you just discovered there was a problem and all you want to do is fix it, but by that time, it's too late. She's already completely detached and moved-on. Wants nothing to do with you and ignores your pleas to work on things. Men can't read minds. Subtle hints and clues aren't good enough. No disrespect to women, but I feel like way too many good relationships fail because of this. Better communication goes a long way.

[Ms Darcy]

Kind of harsh. True, men don't see the signs, but women don't verbalize there's a problem that's big enough for them to consider leaving. My wife did this same thing after 24 years. Reality is they usually have found someone else who piques their interest before imploding the family.

 

To be fair, I think the OP acknowledged in other threads that his partner had been confronting him about major issues for a long time.

 

OP - I would suggest that you consider therapy. You are going through a very serious loss.

[Ms Darcy]

So true. They'll tell you after your hearts in a million pieces all over the floor that things have been building up for awhile and all the signs were there. Meanwhile, you just discovered there was a problem and all you want to do is fix it, but by that time, it's too late. She's already completely detached and moved-on. Wants nothing to do with you and ignores your pleas to work on things. Men can't read minds. Subtle hints and clues aren't good enough. No disrespect to women, but I feel like way too many good relationships fail because of this. Better communication goes a long way.

 

ON the other hand, I know a lot of women who will talk, cajole, nag, cry about certain issues (lack of affection, attention, equal parenting of the children, equal work around the house etc) for a long time and then when they leave the partner would say "Oh I didn't know it was serious enough to leave." I'm not always sure if the issue is that men can't read minds but rather that some people just get complacent and assume the wife's "nagging" is white noise.

[evam]

So true. They'll tell you after your hearts in a million pieces all over the floor that things have been building up for awhile and all the signs were there. Meanwhile, you just discovered there was a problem and all you want to do is fix it, but by that time, it's too late. She's already completely detached and moved-on. Wants nothing to do with you and ignores your pleas to work on things. Men can't read minds. Subtle hints and clues aren't good enough. No disrespect to women, but I feel like way too many good relationships fail because of this. Better communication goes a long way.

 

Just had to come in and say that it is not gender specific, my ex-boyfriend did exactly what you wrote.

 

Bottom line is that people who are willing to give you up that fast without any solutions, don't deserve you.

[Johnny Anony]

Thank you all for your insight, it is true my ex did mention we were in trouble, usually in the form of anger which would only push me further away. We are both to blame here. My Dr did put me on a few prescription medications years ago which were clouding my ability to see clearly, i decided to go off it all a few months ago as it was causing intimacy issues. I'm off everything now, I've lost 30 lbs, and I feel wonderful. Only the pain of this loss. Sometimes things go on too long, she just couldn't wait around. Part of me feels she never supported me, I would have loved the chance to really work things out so that my boys don't have to go through such a change. She's moving them out of our house to a 2 bedroom apartment Apr 1st, and she hardly wants anything from me. It's crazy this sucks that this had to happen, I've read 5 love languages, and have researched other marriage positive material online and will always look to ensure I am communicating emotionally with my next partner (which I'm not going to rush into) I just wish it wasn't too late.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Just had to come in and say that it is not gender specific, my ex-boyfriend did exactly what you wrote.

 

Bottom line is that people who are willing to give you up that fast without any solutions, don't deserve you.

 

Fair enough. Recent experience has me thinking that way. Either way, my point is, better communication goes a long way and it's sad to see good relationships go to waste when one party just finds out there's a problem and is willing to work it out and they end up pushing the other further away by trying to communicate. All of a sudden they become the "needy ex" or "clingy ex" and they won't "move on" or "let go".

 

It's not about anyone giving up fast without a solution. It's about two people searching for a solution at different times. One person just began searching for a solution, while the other has already been searching and found the solution long before. It sucks to see it happen because it may not always be the right solution, but it's a solution. This is often why the dumper is the one that seems fine and dandy and ready to jump right back into the swing of things right after a breakup. They end up jumping into another relationship seemingly fast, leaving the dumpee even more heartbroken, and wondering how they could be so cold when in reality the dumper has already had time to move on and heal without having to quit "cold turkey" like the dumpee is left with.

[Johnny Anony]

To be fair, I think the OP acknowledged in other threads that his partner had been confronting him about major issues for a long time.

 

OP - I would suggest that you consider therapy. You are going through a very serious loss.

Thanks I have considered it, I'm gonna give my eap a call

[Johnny Anony]

Fair enough. Recent experience has me thinking that way. Either way, my point is, better communication goes a long way and it's sad to see good relationships go to waste when one party just finds out there's a problem and is willing to work it out and they end up pushing the other further away by trying to communicate. All of a sudden they become the "needy ex" or "clingy ex" and they won't "move on" or "let go".

 

It's not about anyone giving up fast without a solution. It's about two people searching for a solution at different times. One person just began searching for a solution, while the other has already been searching and found the solution long before. It sucks to see it happen because it may not always be the right solution, but it's a solution. This is often why the dumper is the one that seems fine and dandy and ready to jump right back into the swing of things right after a breakup. They end up jumping into another relationship seemingly fast, leaving the dumpee even more heartbroken, and wondering how they could be so cold when in reality the dumper has already had time to move on and heal without having to quit "cold turkey" like the dumpee is left with.

It's exactly how I feel, she has been already speaking to other men online months ago, and now in person to which she invited a guy over to our home while our children were there which was "totally innocent, no hugging, or touching" her really leaving me only clicked in about a week ago, however I was obviously in denial. So there is alot of anger, and hurt here. She wants to come home for a week to pack and spend time with the kids who are having troubles, I will go somewhere else as I don't want her to be away from the kids, I really just want to be a great dad, though it's hard being this messed up. I will seek some counselling. Also a lawyer asap

[JustAGoodGuy]

I really just want to be a great dad, though it's hard being this messed up. I will seek some counselling. Also a lawyer asap

 

Good idea. It's great that you're still thinking about your kids even though things are difficult for you right now. You should concentrate on them. They are the innocent "victims" here. Get out with them, do things they enjoy, "toss the ball around" so to speak. I'm sure seeing your kids smile and enjoy life will bring some joy to yours.