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my girlfriend and I break up, she sleeps with something, we're together again

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My girlfriend and I met in college and have been together for 6 months, the first 3 months we're great but then we've been up and down, arguing all the time, we break up but get right back together and it was getting really stressful with everything so we broke up for good (on Monday) then the whole week she was telling me that I was all she wanted and that we would work everything out and I just kept telling her I need some time and space to think, but I wanted to see if she was just full of it and would get with someone else if she had the opportunity. We talked about getting back together but that for the mean time I needed time and space. There was a party on Thursday and she asked what our boundaries were so we discussed what boundaries would be, but I told her there shouldn't be any boundaries because we're not technically together, but she said she wanted boundaries, which bothered me because it was as if she needed those boundaries to resist temptation. I told her I wanted no boundaries whatsoever, but that it didn't mean I would go out and get with girls because I'm honestly very much in love with her that i couldn't even imagine trying to move on. I've told her before how sex is actually a meaningful thing to me and that I don't believe in random hook ups and stuff and she's known that since the beginning. So for Thursday we said we could dance with other people but we wouldn't hook up with anybody, so we danced with other people. On Friday, I went to my hometown and there was another party where we attend school that she was going to and I started to push for no boundaries, saying it was pointless, but she kept saying no and that I was all she wanted but I told her I didn't want any boundaries because I felt it wouldn't really make a difference since we choose to make our decision m. We finally agreed on being okay to make out with people but nothing further, the next day she texts me and tells me how she was at the party and made out with some guy, I told her I went to a party but didn't do anything, not even dance with someone. It made me a little sick but I wanted to see if she would keep going.. So I kept pushing for more and more and she kept saying no but I kept saying it wouldn't mean anything and that were single so we should be able to do what we want, etc. she finally agrees to no boundaries at all and that we would talk the next morning I got back to school, I told her I was going to be home late Sunday night. I told her I was going to a frat party at the university by my school and she told me she was going out too. The next morning I drove to school early and on my way I started praying to God (spiritual not religious).. Poured out how I felt about her and my life and the way it is going right now and asked him to bring light to what he wants and if she's really the one.. I asked if she did hook up with someone then it wouldn't be meant to be but if she felt the way I did and couldn't get with someone even without boundaries then she was the one.. So I get back and woke her up, hoping she would be in her room and not one of the guys room, luckily she wasn't. we then talked and she asked me to go first about the prior night so I told her that I didn't go out at all, that I stayed home and that I was just pushing her to see if she would get with someone because I felt so unattractive and unwanted in the relationship and just simply let it all out and poured out to her. Then she starts crying and starts apologizing and I was so scared. She then tells me that she was super drunk last night and that she got back she ended up messaging every guy on tinder that she wanted to and went with the first person that would be willing to pick her up. She tells me that they did everything but sex [oral sex both ways, foreplay, and swallowing (a big deal to me since she said she doesn't like it) ], and I got up and left. I started freaking out and crying and went for a run. She texted me telling me that she was lying and that nothing happened and that she was just scared that if she told the truth she would think I was lying, so I come back from my run and we talk. Then I ask her to tell me the truth and she tells me that she did get picked up and she did do everything and did have sex with him (also tried different positions which also hurt me because our first couple times we had sex she said she had to feel comfortable to do so), she also told me she was almost fully naked (only had a bra on which also hurt because she told me she was very insecure about taking clothes off and we didn't have sex with her underwear off until 2 months into our relationship) and my heart broke. But I was so caught up in how I really felt that I forgave her, and that I needed her. And now we're back together and it's been almost 3 weeks but the situation still haunts me and really hits my insecurities. Am I stupid?


Also, since we've got back together we've discussed having a 3 way (it was a funny topic that was brought up when watching tv) and when I asked her who would she want to have with us she mentioned one of my friend (a guy who when I first met I was scared she would fall for and I talked to her about it and how I felt and she told me not to worry because she wasn't attracted to him at all so I was cool with all of us hanging out all the time) but now when she mentioned how she'd want him to be the one we have it with and was kinda pushing for it, she said it was only because she felt comfortable with him. Should I be worried?

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It seems to me like you really manipulated her into doing something, then you are judging her harshly for doing so. This is so unhealthy. Please don't do a threesome. Nothing good could possibly come from it. You are so insecure.


I agree that I did manipulate her and I am judging her hardly, but in my only 3 committed relationships I have been in, I've been cheated on, left for another guy, or cheated on and left for my best friend at the time. I am very insecure as so is she, but I believe I am extremely paranoid. I just need other perspectives because I don't know if i can trust mine especially considering that I'm really head over heels for her.

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I think you need to work on yourself and move on from her. What happened to you in your previous relationships sucks and I'm sorry to hear that, but you're in no position to be in a relationship right now if you're gonna play these games. Part of being a mature adult is telling people what you want, not setting them up with little love tests to see how they do. Relationships are about communication and resolving your problems in a healthy manner. You two broke up, set these ridiculous boundaries which you then kept changing, and partied. You were together six months, you already broke up once, she had a one night stand, and now she has suggested having a threesome with another guy, who she has already picked out. This just isn't a recipe for a healthy relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...
What would you recommend doing if I do want to stay with her?


I suggest:


No more testing her.


Apologize to her for testing her.


Don't have a three way.


Try to understand why you want to test her.


Get counseling for yourself.


Read a little cuckold porn and see if it excites you.


Find a way of forgiving her (even though it doesn't seem she did anything wrong, and it seems she is jumping though hoops for you, you still hold her actions against her).


Try to deal with everything in the relationship in a more mature fashion.

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