Is something the matter with me?

[megahurtz]

Hey guys,

I appreciate any advice I can get on this topic, so I guess I should start from the beginning. I had been dating this girl since october of '03 but we broke up in november '04 because we argued so much and we thought time away might do us some good. We continued talking since then up to this point but we've had occasional arguments.

 

Around New Years eve, I decided I wanted to go to a party with some friends and maybe meet some new people rather than spend it with her. She got pretty upset by it but we aren't even together, if we were it would of been different.

 

Last week was valentines day and her birthday, and I had planned a pretty big week. There is a friend of mine at work who I was talking to over email and having a generally long conversation with about what I wanted to do for her. I told her I was having a hard time finding Kerri something for her birthday because the sweaters, boots, and all these other little things were around $200-$400 just for clothes, and I'm not talkin about a couple outfits, I mean these are single items. So she writes back and asks if shes high maintenance and I agree back to it. I also said Kerri was a little weird because she hated valentines day (she wouldnt let me do anything for her last year).

 

Well, later in the day I get this picture attached to an email that I thought was pretty funny, so I forward it to Kerri. What I didn't know was that the entire conversation I had with my coworker for the entire day was right under that picture. So yes, I accidentally sent everything I'd conversed with my coworker to Kerri.

 

Kerri writes me back and didn't really say anything about it, so I assumed everything was fine. It was valentines day so I had planned on just getting these tiger roses from a florist here and a box of chocolates, nothing too big since I thought she might be against the whole idea of valentines. I called her to make sure she was home and she was. She answers the phone and sounded like she was outta breath. She said she'd been workin out and I told her she needed to do some sprints if she really wanted to tire herself out, and she returns with "well you need to not attach your conversations with another girl and expect me not to read it" and then she exploded on me for agreeing she was high maintenance and saying she was a little weird (thats all I said about her, no cussing, nothing else).

 

So that fight was over with for the day and Im stuck with roses and chocolates that she wouldn't let me bring over. I know I've messed up and I deserve that, so I just did my best to apologize and let her cool down. I didn't call at all tuesday, I just thought it might of been best to give her some cool down time. Wednesday was her birthday, and I called to wish her a happy birthday and see if she wanted to go out to dinner. She picks up the phone and asks what I want, and I tell her happy birthday. Well she gets mad because I didn't try and fix it the day before her birthday, and she gets off the phone with me promptly. And yes, I messed up again, I just thought some time to cool off might be best before trying to approach the situation again.

 

Well over the weekend things seemed to improve, she actually started talking to me and we were joking and laughing almost like normal. Just yesterday, wednesday, she went to this job fair. I asked her how it went and she tells me she got a job......in Daytona beach, Florida. Well I'm happy for her but I'm also hurt because I don't want her to leave, she knows Im kind of upset and she says theres a 75% chance she wouldn't take it. So I get off the phone with her to think some.

 

I called back later that night and I told her that even though it would hurt me I want her to have to the best opportunity and to take whatever job wherever it may be. Essentially I just dont want her to miss a good opportunity because of me. Well, this makes her mad and she says "well I'm glad I have your permission to go" when I really didnt mean to make it sound like that at all. Then this huge fight broke out again and everything reverted back to the way it was last week with her bringing stuff up since new years onward. And this fight goes on for about 2 hours of going back and forth with nasty comments flying everywhere.

 

Now mind you, I know I'm not perfect, I have good intentions and I don't want to hurt her. I love her still and I don't want us to fight over this, but I don't know how to get accross to her that I do care about her. She just keeps bringing up things from last week and telling me I have a poor way of showing it. I tell her and tell her I'm sorry for everything and I do care but she still keeps giving these scathing remarks to everything I say. What should I do? Its like it goes in one ear and out the other and shes only hearing what she wants. Is there any way I can come back from this and redeem myself? What can I do? Please give me some advice, thanks guys

[annie24]

Well... I see things from her point of view. why didn't you try to call a few days before her birthday to make plans? Of course she's going to get upset if you forward her conversations you've been having with another woman. It's all so careless. As for your comment about 'you should do sprints if you want to tire yourself out' why are you telling her this? She was working out, she didn't ask for your opinion. She also doesn't need your permission to move. I'd get annoyed with you too.

 

Look, if you really love her, then tell her so. do you want to marry her, or think you might? Then this is the time to tell her. Otherwise, she will move away. If you think there is a possibilty you may want to move to florida too, then tell her. But, if you just like her a lot, but don't think this relationship could turn into marriage, then don't bother. Good luck!

[megahurtz]

Well, we did make plans for her birthday, but she cancelled them because she was still mad.

The comment I made about her sprinting....she answered the phone out of breath and she said she was trying to tire herself out, come to find out she was trying to work her anger out before she talked to me, but yes, I still shouldn't have made a careless statement as that.

I would like to marry her, I love her very much and I dont want us to argue. When we don't argue you couldn't find a happier person, and all is good and well between us.

I've been careless and I realize that, is there something I can do besides tell her I love her?

[annie24]

does she know that you are serious about marriage? Just tell her what you told us - you love her, don't want to argue, and you love being with her. I mean, have you sat down and had a serious talk about marriage with her? How does she feel about it?

[megahurtz]

We've talked about it, but we want to work out our differences and be able to not argue. The thing is, we NEVER argue when we're together, but when we talk on the phone is when everything breaks apart and it gets nasty. Once we can get our differences resolved then we would be able to call ourselves a couple again and get serious about it as soon as both of us graduate college this spring. I'm just very afraid she wont forgive me for all of this and it'll be the last nail in the coffin, so to speak, for our relationship.

[DN]

I have to disagree with Annie (I think for the first time!) - it seems that no matter what you do is wrong. And you seem to be the one making all the running here - has she tried to anything for you lately? It seems to be all about her Valentine's Day present, her birthday, her job, and everything about her. You apologise too soon, too late, or not enough, or she won't accept them anyway. And although you say you broke up you don't say you officially got back together.

 

What about you and what you want?

 

Seems to me you two have bad communication skills. You should have a conversation, without recriminations about the past, about if you both want a relationship, how serious it would be and where it would be headed. Have the talk in a non-confrontational way and in the spirit of tying to fix problems rather than silly spats about who did what to whom.

 

Decide what you want, and then how to go about getting it.

[megahurtz]

thanks guys I really appreciate the advice , I will get right on it 8)

[annie24]

Oh DN - We've disagreed in the past.... Anyways, yeah, it's probably not 100% due to any careless comments on your part - she may be a little too snappish. But, I hope you two have a nice long talk about your future. I hope things work out!!! Good luck!!!

[MetallicAguy]

These women I avoid lol. I only date low maintenaince women so I don't know how it is from your point of view. But just common sense, a conversation with another woman is definitely going to piss your woman off no doubt; Don't do it in the future. Oh yeah and I agree with DN. Just in the future don't date these high-maintenance women, In my opinion I think they can act nice but turn out to be psycho if they don't get there way. Why? Root Cause: Spoiled when a child and daddy and mommy calling them a princess and she was the most beautiful thing in the world when she was a kid. If that's not the root cause I don't get how Paris Hilton isn't a "princess" through her parents eyes, I mean she has to be she's on f-ing TV on the Simple Life and she can't do normal work LOL.