Dealing with the soon to be mother in law

[diverp]

Okay, I know this is cliche and old stuff, but this is my first dealing with a soon to be mother in law. In the past, I have always dealt well with the parents. I am engaged now and to be married in May/June. My girlfriend's mother came to visit this past weekend and spent her first extended time with us. She has not seen all that much of me and had to come and size me up (she lives a fair distance away).

 

Anyways, my girlfriend had been married when she was 20 (she is now 35) and only for a couple of years. It was a bad marriage. My fiancee's sister has met me and really likes me, her husband likes me, etc. Both of the sisters really have some issues with the mother. THey are civil with her, but they both know and warned me that their mother is a negative person, very pescimistic. Not a nice trait, and not one they inherited.

 

Anyways, I did really well with the soon to be mom in law, but she still had me alone and cornered for a little while during the weekend and was questioning me and telling me that she "just wants my fiancee to be happy". Yet, she still was grilling me. SHe apparently did the same with my fiancee. She was saying stuff to her like, what makes you think he is the one, etc?

 

I have left it alone because the mom in law lives a distance away, and we would not likely see her very much. I do know that she knocks my fiancee's sisters' husband from time to time. I would assume that I will get the same.

 

I let a lot of subtle "digs" go this last weekend as it is important that there is no conflict with the mother in law that will make my girlfriend upset. However, if something should escalate to the point where I have to stand up for me and/or my fiancee, is it wise to stand up and let the mom in law know that her behavior is not acceptable?

 

Most of the things she has done are harmless. But she has made my fiancee uncomfortable for me, because of the things she says (it really wouldn't matter if it were me or another guy, she would say the same stuff).

 

Any good advice as to how to deal with the soon to be mother in law?

[lady00]

I'd suggest that if your mother in law is saying innapropriate things, it should be her daughter that addresses them because her daughter probably has more authority to do so. What do others think?

[tiger_lilies]

I agree. It would be best to leave her be. Mom's will be moms. It will only reflect badly on you if you were to ever 'stand up' to her. Not a good idea.

 

Respect must be paid to your mom-in-law no matter how rediculous she may get.

[RayKay]

It is best in this situation to not get in a position between a girl and her mother - trust me on that one. Even if she "wants" you too....it can end up coming back at you at some point.

 

If there are any further conflicts between the both of you, it is best to talk to your spouse calmly and let her know your feelings (but don't say something like "your mother is an interfering hag"

 

You may have felt she was grilling you, but mothers DO ask questions like that! My mother, when I first told her I was moving in with my bf (very early on in relationship) asked me too "why I was so sure he was the one" and "what made him different". She is just looking out for me is all - once I told her I just knew he was, and how wonderful he was, she was fine with it and she has met him a couple times and has been great to him

 

Mothers are apt to worry, that is normal. It is only if they start actually interfering in your lives there should be concern. She may just have some jealousy or some other issues, but let her daughter deal with it if she feels necessary.

 

And always remember: kill with kindness. In other words, your best 'weapon' is to be the nicest, most decent and sweetest darn son-in-law you could ever be!

[sisterlynch]

They are best left alone. Anything that you say or do can and will be held against you, so dont let them see you at your worst. Try and be as neutral as posible in the way that you handle their grilling or negativity.

 

They can be completely naive or brutally negative. Let most of it go, don't argue with them over politics, money, or religion, not only is it not their business, it will only make you look bad. Just nod and listen to their comments.

 

Think of them as the boss that was hired to separate the two of you!!!

[DN]

The best thing about it is that you say you won't have to see her much. When you do and she had a 'dig' ignore it - but do so quite blatantly by completely changing the subject.

 

For instance: if she say something negative about you, dont react, just look at her calmly and say something like "Nice weather, we've been having, don't you think." And keep doing it.

 

If she presses you on anything you don't want to talk about, just say "Oh, thanks, but I prefer not to discuss that. Would you like a cup of coffee or something."

 

Never explain, never complain and always be polite.

 

Try not to get in a situation where your wife has to defend you, it wil lcause problems.

 

Remember, it takes two to have a fight, so just refuse to engage in one.