Words of encouragement needed after feeling defeated

[PinkRose282]

I have come to and from this website many times during my break up which happened 3 months ago and I see many people being so helpful with each on here. I don't want to give too many details of my breakup because then it would be a 10 page post, but long story short, my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me 3 months ago, which was 3 days before a trip we had planned together to NYC, a week and a half before a wedding we were supposed to attend, and 2 weeks before a concert we were supposed to go to (which I got him for his bday). It all came out of the blue (sorta) and I was devastated to say the least. I did all the typical things you aren't supposed to do, like asking him to please work things out, and getting angry at him and texting him before he texts me., bringing up old issues, etc. This lasted about 1.5 months (with a NC of 9 days in the middle there). Oh, I forgot to add we work together. So i have seen him daily since our breakup. About 3 days before he broke up with me, a girl we both work with, who is married btw, texted him at 10:30 p.m. on a Friday, just a bunch of emojis. He got really nervous, opened the text in front of me, and there was no history to their text messages. The emojis she sent him was the first text in their conversation. I told him that looks really suspicious, why would he delete their text history since they are "friends" for years at work . He explained he just deletes texts sometimes. No other explanation given. Anyway, after we broke up, I accused him of having an affair with her (because there was many many other instances and coincedences other than the text that is too long to put in here). It came to a boiling point when both my ex and the married woman called out sick on the same day (this was about 1.5 months after our breakup). Since I have known him, he never called out sick and so it was unusual behavior for him. Also I remember when we were newly dating, he would always tell me "lets call out sick today". We never did it, but I remember him constantly asking me to do it with him. Anyway, I went off on him, told him i know he is with her, and i know he is having an affair, and he called me insane and he stopped talking to me from that day on. He is the one that went NC on me, and that was 1.5 months ago. The only time he texted me since then was on my birthday a few weeks ago to say happy birthday but I did not respond. We see each other daily at work and we don't speak. He actually isn't very friendly at all to me when we do see each other.

 

I have heard from many people at work that they also suspect my ex and the married woman are having an affair. Someone just last week told me that they are doing a marathon together next month, that they were caught in the parking lot at dark after work one day being really close together between cars, and when caught, they looked super nervous. Another person told me they both left together on a Friday early. They park right beside each other at work every day now. He used to park on the other side of the parking lot the entire time we were together, but since our breakup, parks beside her. My friends at work basically all agree they both seem so suspicious. They just aren't trying to hide it anymore I guess.

 

The reason I am asking for words of encouragement today is because even though I have been doing well for weeks now, today when I left work, I was driving out of the parking lot and saw them leaving at the same time. They were walking to their cars together, and when I looked over, they were both walking side by side (looking like a couple, not work colleagues), and her body was facing his very closely and they were both laughing really hard about something. They looked so happy together. It still hurts to see that. I know I am better off without him, but it hurts so bad seeing them happy together. I can't help but feel like life is unfair. I'm at the point where I feel like why do they get to get away with this? At the expense of my feelings, my trust issues, my self esteem. They seem to be in their honey moon stage and I have to see glimpses of it, or hear about it from colleagues. I feel like he just forgot about me in an instant and for what? A married woman? I would never in a million years get back together with him, but it still hurts to see them together. And it just makes me think life isn't fair. They shouldn't be happy. He broke my heart and now he is happy with a married woman. It's just so unfair. And I feel simply defeated. I'm exhausted for crying for 3 months and disappointed in life, why selfish people get away with this, and good people like me have to suffer from their actions.

 

I'm not looking for advice to get him back, or revenge, or anything like that. I just needs words of encouragement. Why do bad people get away with these things? Will karma find them? Will my ex ever wake up one day and realize that he screwed up big time. I know you guys can't answer the last question, but I almost feel like the only comfort I have at this moment is hoping one day in the future, he will realize he made a mistake with this married woman. I want him to regret getting involved with this married woman who has no heart. (She has a really y mean girl reputation at work, she isn't a very nice person at all, regardless of this affair). I just want him to wake up one day and realize "why did I lose such a good thing with a good girl, for this mean girl that is so selfish cheating on her husband with me?" And even if I never know these thoughts, and he never tells me his regrets, I just really hope he actually has those thoughts one day.

 

Anyway, if anyone could find the right words to make me feel better, I would appreciate it. I talked to my mom and best friend today, and I think after 3 months of hearing these stories, are finding less and less the right things to say to me and are also probably sick of hearing about it. My best friend said you are blessed he is out of your life. I told her I know, but I just wish there was some magic words one of you could tell me to make me feel better about why life is unfair and why they are getting away with this.

[youareworthy]

Dear PinkRose282,

 

Their situation is pretty-well doomed. This is the honeymoon phase, as you say. It sounds like your ex is blindly in love/lust. She will eventually grow tired of him and leave him. She sounds unkind, selfish, and terribly unstable.

 

It is highly likely that he will come to his senses when she drops him, and will reslize that you were better to him than she was, but by then you will have healed and moved on.

 

You are in the early dtages ofvyour healing still, snd it is nptmal gor this kind of betrayal to hurt for many months. It is much eorse since you three sll eork yogether

[youareworthy]

Dear PinkRose282,

 

Their situation is classic, and pretty-well doomed. This is the honeymoon phase, as you say. It sounds like your ex is blindly in love/lust. I predict that the other woman will eventually grow tired of him and leave him. She sounds unkind, selfish, and unstable.

 

It is highly likely that he will come to his senses when she drops him, and will realize that you were better to him than she was, but by then you will have healed and moved on.

 

You are in the early stages of your healing still. Poor sweetie! It is normal for this kind of betrayal to hurt for many months. It is worse since you THREE all work together. Is there any way you could transfer to a different department or office in your company? Seeing them together is bound to keep your wounds fresh.

 

Also, your colleagues are awfully insensitive to share their speculations about the "honeymooners" with you. If YOU are seeking these details, STOP! It will only prolong your pain, and delay your healing by months and months.

 

If you are not asking for those details, tell your coworkers that you really DON'T want to hear about the pair. If a colleague keeps talking about them to you after you tell her/him not to, then back up away from her/him, put your hand up in a "stop sign" gesture, and say, "I have to go now." Then turn and walk away. (Sadly, there is nothing more intoxicating to an office gossip than an office affair. Don't give such types the satisfaction of contributing to the drama in general, and to your suffering in particular.)

 

I sense that he will feel remorse about this later, but she won't. Who knows?

 

Thankfully, his drama is no longer your problem!

 

Bless you!

 

Youareworthy

[PinkRose282]

Hi Youareworthy,

 

Thank you so much for your response. I really struggled with myself if I should find a new job soon after our breakup, but the thing is that my company is paying 100% for my graduate degree. I have only completed a semester and have another 1.5 years before I graduate with my masters. I told myself this kind of pain is not worth a free degree. But then the more I thought about it, I decided I would not let this situation get in the way of me getting a free 30k degree. So many people get in student debt and I have the opportunity to get a free degree without debt, and I shouldn't let them get in the way of that. So I decided to take the pain now, because I now eventually I will get over the situation. So that is why I am not leaving the company. I could potentially move offices, but that would take money and me moving away from my family, which I am not ready to do right now.

 

Thank you for your advice about not talking to my coworkers. I am not going to lie, I was seeking out the information given to me at first, but the past few weeks, I have been avoiding those people who told me such details. One of them I even straight out told I don't want to talk about it anymore. At this time, if any of them try to tell me anything, I will do exactly what you told me and tell them STOP! It just sucks, because even though I have been avoiding the few work friends that liked to give me updates, I still see with my own eyes my ex and the married woman being together, like what happened today.

 

I really hope he feels remorse one day. You are right, she will never feel remorse. One of those friends at work I have been avoiding, told me a couple weeks ago some not so nice things this married woman has said about me. Telling my friend I need to "get over it" "big deal, people break up all the time, she needs to get over it". Just very insensitive comments. I told my fiend, even if this woman is not having an affair with him, she has absolutely no compassion for what a woman going through a breakup feels.

 

Thanks again for your kind words Youareworthy

[Inner Fire]

You made the right decision staying at your work - that asshat has no business affecting your future in such a negative way. A free college degree is worth its weight in gold, after all.

 

It's more than likely that the woman will eventually get tired of your ex and dump him for the next fun thing - since she's married and cheating she clearly puts no stock in committing to anyone. Your ex may or may not someday realize what an idiot he was. In the end, it doesn't matter what happens to them, they are inconsequential. What matters is that you got that guy out of your life before you got even more involved with him - imagine if you got married to him and how much worse it could have been. Instead of looking backwards, look forwards. You've got your life ahead of you, and trust me, there will come a day when you realize you haven't thought about him for weeks, then months. And you will find someone better. Living a happy life despite him is the best revenge I think

 

I know how it is, I also get really bothered by stuff like that. It's hard putting it behind you. But you know what? You and I are strong, and I know you can do it. You will rise above it, and things will get better.

[thejigsup]

You keep saying life is unfair. So what? Life is unfair to everyone. It just is. It is how we handle it that determines our character. Keep your head high, no more feeling sorry for yourself, and go out and have a ball. Living well is the best revenge. Who cares about them or what will happen with them. Keep the focus on your wonderful self and everything will work out well for you.

[turnbaktime]

I really hate that for you because I'm in the same situation with working with an ex. Its a really hurtful feeling to have to see them every day isnt it?. It is hard to heal. Its as if they stopped caring for you overnight. I wished that I had words to say to you as I would use them on myself too but don't leave your job because that's not an option right now for me either. I just say a prayer for strength and just try to fake it until I make it or just hope for indifference. Hang in there. Giant Hugs!!!

[PinkRose282]

You made the right decision staying at your work - that asshat has no business affecting your future in such a negative way. A free college degree is worth its weight in gold, after all.

 

It's more than likely that the woman will eventually get tired of your ex and dump him for the next fun thing - since she's married and cheating she clearly puts no stock in committing to anyone. Your ex may or may not someday realize what an idiot he was. In the end, it doesn't matter what happens to them, they are inconsequential. What matters is that you got that guy out of your life before you got even more involved with him - imagine if you got married to him and how much worse it could have been. Instead of looking backwards, look forwards. You've got your life ahead of you, and trust me, there will come a day when you realize you haven't thought about him for weeks, then months. And you will find someone better. Living a happy life despite him is the best revenge I think

 

I know how it is, I also get really bothered by stuff like that. It's hard putting it behind you. But you know what? You and I are strong, and I know you can do it. You will rise above it, and things will get better.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really need to hear that. God bless you.

[PinkRose282]

You keep saying life is unfair. So what? Life is unfair to everyone. It just is. It is how we handle it that determines our character. Keep your head high, no more feeling sorry for yourself, and go out and have a ball. Living well is the best revenge. Who cares about them or what will happen with them. Keep the focus on your wonderful self and everything will work out well for you.

 

Haha I love your "tough love" answer. I really appreciate it and you are so 100% right. Life is unfair for everyone. Man, just to think of the people in the world that have it worse and I am here feeling sorry for myself. That is a very good way to look at it. You are right, living well is the best revenge. I guess in a way I was upset because I see them "living well" and happy with each other and I felt sad to see that, but who cares about them, like you said. Who cares about those two idiots.

[PinkRose282]

I really hate that for you because I'm in the same situation with working with an ex. Its a really hurtful feeling to have to see them every day isnt it?. It is hard to heal. Its as if they stopped caring for you overnight. I wished that I had words to say to you as I would use them on myself too but don't leave your job because that's not an option right now for me either. I just say a prayer for strength and just try to fake it until I make it or just hope for indifference. Hang in there. Giant Hugs!!!

 

Thank you for your kind words. Maybe reading the other posters answers will help you feel better too. Like you, I say so many prayers through out the day for strength. Just today I prayed to my guardian angel to guide me away from seeing them throughout the day so I don't hurt, and what happened? Ran into both of them! LOL but I trust in Jesus and my guardian angel, and know they are looking out for me in the long run and maybe praying for something so trivial as to "please don't let me see my ex" is something they can easily ignore and focus on bigger prayers and real problems.

Today has been a better day than yesterday, but every day is different. Days go by I am fine, then BAM I see something or hear something, and my wound is fresh again. I will pray for you turnbaktime and I hope we both can get over our ex's soon. God bless you!

[Snix0805]

Hi PinkRose, something about your story related to me and allow me to tell mine so you at least won't feel alone. My ex of 4 years left me for another woman, his coworker, last year. His reason when I found out he was cheating was because I was being a pessimistic woman and he got tired of it while this other girl was wonderful and happier to talk to. This was because I was struggling with depression from a hopeless job search. We went back and forth with him begging me not to leave him. i even got a proposal on September just a month before he cheated on me. He left me eventually with reasons citing he was tired, wanted to be alone and chose to be happy on his own. Found out I was pregnant a week after he left me and when I told him, he thought I was lying to get him back and said he would just give financial support. I lost it eventually at 6 weeks. A few weeks after that, I bumped into him and his said coworker at a mall. I've seen them thrice already and he has also blatantly told our friends he does not regret leaving me at all and is a lot happier without me.

 

I also read their conversations in Skype (this is accidental and still has me wondering how it automatically logged into his account when I downloaded the app into my ipad) and my heart sank when I read their I love yous and their flirting messages. It's been 3 months post breakup and I'm still jobless because I fell into deep depression and anxiety. I can't sleep, I lost 15lbs since the breakup and miscarriage and can't eat properly. I cry everyday and like you think how life is so unfair. I'm suffering while he's having the time of his life without any regrets at all. I posted another thread that how could it be his loss when he doesn't see it and when I'm the one who lost everything.

 

And I have heard every single advice and I would give you the same kind of advice you have probably already heard. Don't wait for karma to come. Don't even live a happy life for revenge, live for your own because saying it is for revenge means you're still livng for him. You say you were 10months into the relationship? That's good, just think if you married this person. You just saved yourself a lot of heartache years down the line. If anything, you didn't lose. Though life may seem unfair right now, with a clear mind you'll realize why it happened.

 

I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that my ex could end up with this woman he left me for and potentially end up married. Some people really get away with bad things because they can. Because introspection isn't an option for them and they will rationalize their way out of thoughts that will paint them and their decisions in a bad way. And that really is a sad thing, for people not to realize their mistakes until their death. Whatever makes them sleep at night, right?

 

I know how you feel, I really do but you lost a cheater, you and I both. In life, you either win or you learn. You prayed to your angel that you don't hurt and you still ran into them? Well, take that as an answered prayer. You know God/life/universe/whatever you believe in never gives straightforward answers. You will be given situations that will strengthen you and you are blessed because your prayer is already being answered and worked on. A friend of mine once told me when I was so down when I ran into them for the third time "why are you worried they left and stopped talking to you and that you may run into them again? God allowed it to happen so you can move on with your life"

 

I wish you the best and hang in there. I'm still struggling as well, but we'll come out stronger and wiser. Pm if you need someone to talk to And I'll be glad to listen