Im hurting really bad today

[Marko]

link removed

 

 

theres my story if you care to read.

 

I want to hear her voice so bad.

 

im on week #5. Its not getting easier and im tired of feeling like this. I don't know how much longer I can last.

[arwen]

Hey Marko,

 

It is probably not helping that it's sunday... healing after a break up can take a very long time, and it's a way of ups and downs. There will be this day that I call Ex-piration day. The day you realize that you have doing well for a longer period, and you are ok and in peace with what has happened.

 

I would try to resist the urge to call her. For me no contact is the best way to get over someone. If I had a bad breakup, I don't stay friends with the ex. However, I also parted as friends with one ex, and it's still difficult to email with him.

 

Contact sort of disturbs the processing of a past relationship, especially when it's still a 'short' while ago that you broke up. For something to become a memory, it needs to be in the past. By contacting her, she is still a real part of your present life. She might be at some point, but I think it's better not to have her in your life as long as you still miss her on the relationship-level.

 

I know this is a very rationalized way to approach this overwhelming flood of emotions. But in general, it helps to make yourself move on, do something else, and not hang around the phone the whole time.

 

Do you have friends you can call today? Maybe it helps if you arrange to meet someone just to go to a pub and not be in a place where you are alone and only thinking of her. You have moved recently, right? I hope you will have the strength of building up your life again.

 

take care,

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

i don't really have any firends here. I just recently made friends w/ a guy who is also heart-broken and we have been hanging out.

 

I can't go anywhere in my town cuz it remnds me of being with her. I stopped in a restuarant to have a drink and the hostess asked where my g/f was and if she'd be joining me

 

Whats really bothering me is that I am wallowing in my misery and she is going out "trying to have fun and keep her mind of things" (what i was told by a mutual friend).

 

I can't go out. She took *our* friends and i have nobody else.

 

Also, believe it or not, there are no pubs here. if you want to get a drink, its TGI Firdays or somthing of the sort.

 

Nowhere to go, noway to really meet people.

 

they almost always come back at some point during NC, tho, don't they ?

 

I know its happened to me twice in my 2 previous serious relationships, and just like in Swingers, it was when I forgot about them.

 

today is day 2 w/ NC. I did go a stretch of 1 week at 1 point.

[brando]

Marko,

Sometimes they dont come back, and it is for a reason. Keep the NC going, it will help your healing. I am not saying she may not come back, but it is 50/50. i do miss my ex a great deal today, but i will not call her.

I'll share a story with you.

 

She wanted this divorce. We fought argued. She has two tennage daughters one was getting in lots of trouble, and the stress was unbearable. Anyway i left the house after a big fight. I actually shoved her older daughter because she got in my face telling me to shut up. So iwas was furius hurt embarrassed etc. 8 weeks of trying to work things out and each time we met we argued. Hence she wanted a divorce. Months later we were talking and she had made a childish statement of how much better her life was than mine. Just last month she needed to borrow money for a pressing matter. I thought about it and i lent it to her. A week prior her grandmother Georgia was on her deathbed, and she was going to borrow money from me to fly home to see her.

 

So i asked myself, is her life really beter than mine???

[arwen]

Hey there Marko,

 

I think the whole point of NC is NOT to see it as a strategy to get the ex back. If you see it like that, this sort of blocks the 'moving on part' after a break up.

 

As for getting back together, I myself have no positive experiences with that. Yes, my longterm ex did come back, twice. He also broke up with me twice. The first months it would be all sunshine and flowery between us, but on the long term the same problematic patterns that made us break up previously, would return. Because in the end, you are both still the same person. I swallowed my wishes in a relationship to avoid losing him again and it only made me lose myself. And him, but that didn't even matter anymore once I had lost myself. I was in a deep depression by then.

 

What I'm saying comes down to the NC being a way to move on quicker. It's hard to live in a new place. Especially when this new place is mingled with memories of being with her. There must be ways to meet new people. Even if there is no place to really go out, isn't there like any social life in this place? Have you thought of joining a sportsclub? Any sport that is based on a team, or competing each other (like tennis or squash) is a great way of meeting new people. How about work?

 

If I may ask, why did you move here?

 

take care,

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

I dropped out of graduate school cuz I didn't like it. I moved from Chicago to Florida to stay w/ my folks awhile, save cash and decide what to do.

 

In the process, I fell in love.

 

the biggest 2 contributing factors t our break up was that I always complained and compared Floirda to Chicago. Like a baby. I shouldn't have done that, and she thinks she was the only thing keeping me here. In fact she still says that she predicts i will move back within 2 months.

 

the other thing was that we had no space, working togther and going home together every night. I literally spent 3 hours away from each other every day. So we somtimes got on each others nerves and she didn't think she could make me happy.

 

The entire state of Floirda is basically a retirment community, especially where I am.

 

there is literally nothing to be apart of. the only places to go to are restuarants and movies. i refuse to go to both because the memories are too painful.

 

IMO, this is a totally fixable break up. i just don't understand what she is thinking.

[arwen]

Hey Marko,

 

I am by no means the judge in whether a break up is fixable or not. You know best how things ended, and as far as I can see there are clear external factors that have led to this break up.

 

Living together, working together, and seeing each other too much can really put a strain on your relationship.

 

I would say, just make sure the distance between you and your ex is big enough, so that you won't worry about her all the day. This doesn't mean that NC is The Way necessarily. For some people it really doesn't work. For me it's that I have no other way than NC, I am more unhappy if I keep in touch with a person that broke my heart. Just find a way that makes you feel ok. Did she want you to stop contacting her? In that case I strongly advise you to respect that. It doesn't mean she will be gone forever.

 

Hope your day will still have happy moments

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

thruout the first 2.5 weeks, she kept stressing how much she loves to be with me and wanted that to continue. She said she still wanted to hang out with me, tho it sounded cliche', she meant it.

 

She was calling almost every day

 

Afer we "accidently made love", she said things like maybe we shouldn't see each other for awhile, maybe we shouldn't be alone together, etc.

 

at 2 different points of that disaster, she said "I feel like you know what you have to do, but your not doing it".

 

At another point when we were together that trip, before the sex, i asked about us "seeing each other" and she responded with "why does it have to have a title"?

 

She also stresses that she is NOT interested in other guys.

 

She stopped calling when I was in Chicago. She said there was no point to call me while I was there. She is insecure and i know she was scared about what I was doing. She also said she didn't know when to call me. i interpreted that as she didn't want to call, afraid of what I was doing when she called.

 

I returned home early wed. morning, and she had not called me, tho she said she would somtime when i got back, later in the week.

 

i gave in friday and called her for lunch. She had legitimate "all day plans" w/ the couple we used to double with. (mall, sushi, bars). She assured me it was not an excuse, that she had those plans all week. She said "but we will do somthing, I promise".

 

While we were talking, I 1/2 jokingly said, i didn't think you would ever call me again, and she replied "its not like I want to just stop talking to you". then she had to go because her friends who she had plans with called, and she said she would call me back. She never did.

 

She said she would probably be all ung over on saturday, and iknow she worked all day today, but i still expected a quick phone back after she got off with her friend. I thought that was a rude blow-off, despite the conversation going well.

 

I should also mention that the last time I spoke with her while I was in Chicago (I called last monday, just to tell her when i'd be home), we spoke for a really long time about nothing really, both laughed and seemed happy. when we were hanging up, she kept kind of pausing before we said goodbye...like she was waiting for somthing ...i was thinking that she may have wanted me to ask her to do somthing. i dunno.

 

 

I don't know what to do if she does call again.

[arwen]

From what I am reading, I think that it's just a matter of giving her space. I think she still loves you, and that's why it's difficult for her to speak to you when you are far away. Now that the two of you aren't together anymore it might feel you are even further away when you are in Chicago than when you would be together.

 

Tomorrow I will read some of your previous posts, so I can get a clearer image of the breakup.

 

For now, I wouldn't worry too much. It's hard for her too, you know. It's good that you gave her space. And it's a very good sign that the two of you had a pleasant conversation. Just keep things simple between you and her now. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

thank you so much for your support...it means so much to me.

 

I don't know what to do if she does call tho.

 

Does this sound like a case where the dumper might come back ?

[arwen]

Hi Marko,

 

I am glad to help! I have read most of your postings now, and my basic impression is that your ex just needs some time to take a breath. She has a hard time letting you go, although it's impossible to fix things as they are at this moment.

 

Try to make yourself a happy person, seems like there are more things in your life that you need to work on (the reasons you moved, etc.) Meanwhile just take it very easy as being friends. I know she told you she would call you this weekend, right? Maybe there were circumstances in which she couldn't. Just wait for a couple of days, and then you might consider calling her- just to see how she is doing. I wouldn't ask her why she didn't call.

 

Hope you feel better,

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

You don't think its being too pushy/desperate/needy if i call her again ? I was thinking about just giving her space and since I called the last couple times, figured the ball is in her court.

 

Today was my first session of therapy and it went great.

 

We never really spoke of my problems, just a mention of what was going on, instead we spoke of my feelings. I really liked that because it put me at the center of this thing for the first time. Up until that point, everything I spoke about was her.

 

I do want her back badly and miss her terribly, but I am starting to see that there is life beyond her now. Im still sad and down, but today has been one of the "best" days since this thing has gone down.

 

Im really scared about being her friend. In a way I feel that is lessons all the special times we had, and a friendship with her is NOT what I am looking for.

 

I am willing to take it slow, but I don't think i can just turn it into some meaningful friendship that will last. Im in love with her. Can't be done.

 

Thanks again for reading and your advice is priceless to me.

[arwen]

Hey Marko,

 

It is a good thing that you are in therapy. It can really help to see things in another perspective and see where things in life went in directions, ... well that ended up somewhere you didn't want to be! It can be so difficult to really be honest and open up about feelings. I used to talk about my relationships alone in therapy, because I thought that those were my problem. Ugh, turns out the core issues are purely my own. Good thing though, because if they are just my issues, I can solve them myself.

 

No, I think if you are uncomfortable in calling her, and you have the fear you will push her away, just do the no-contact.

 

I understand your reasons for not wanting to be friends. I would feel the same way (it's not the same for everybody, I know people who can actually be friends with exes perfectly well... )

 

You are in love and a friendship might even give you false hope. I still don't really understand why she broke up with you. Are there other things in her life that she needs to resolve? Apart from the 24/7 you were forced to spend together, are there other things that were difficult between you and her?

 

Good to hear you are doing better, and don't answer my questions if it is making you depressed!

 

Ilse

 

 

[Marko]

she pretty much broke up with me because she thought I wasn't happy here in florida and that she was holding me back from going back home.

 

We worked togther and I used to complain about the job and she thought I was only keeping it cuz i drove her and it was convienent for "us".

 

I used to tour a lot, follow Phish and the Dead, and she thought I would be happier w/ a "hippy girl" who did those things.

(for the record, thats all behind me now and i don't like hippy girls!!!)

 

and she thought she got on my nerves. truth was we were together too much and i needed a little space, and wanted her to get more independent.

 

She had nothign else going on her life, and to my knowledge, doesn't have much now either.

 

I almost think she broke up with me as some sort of "whip me into shape thing", but it snow-balled and went too far for her to just take me back.

 

i don't think she expected me to fall apart, lose 25 pounds, have to quit my job, have to skip town, etc.

 

She is VERY stubborn and she would repeat to me, almost as tho programmed, "I've made up my mind and I can't change it. I don't change my mind when it is made up".

 

so today is day 3 with no-contact.

 

I never said any of this but I have done a lot for her. i got her to kick a pill habit. i got her to not only reconcile w/ her father, but become very close to him. She had never been out of florida until we got togther, i took her many places outside the state. And our relationship was good.

 

I don' see how she can just turn her mind off to our history. She said no guy had ever made her feel like I did.

[arwen]

Hey Marko,

 

The way I see it, she had the feeling you were not happy with her, and thereforeeee she broke up. This is a sign of insecurity I think. Thoughts like 'He can have better gf's than me' 'He would be happier with this kind of girl', etc. can really ruin someone's happiness in a relationship.

 

It's normal that you would occasionally need your space. If you were to get back together, don't start living together, I suggest.

 

Anyway, how are you now?

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

im doing a lot better, thanks! but...

 

she called me.

 

 

Woke me up this morning.

 

We chit-chatted about what we have been doing, work, etc. She said she was sick and I said if there was anything I could do, call me, etc.

 

I asked her when she was off this week, but I made no effort to make plans with her.

 

After the break up i mistakenly always asked her "do you miss me" ? To which she would get annoyed, and say yes anyway.

 

This time, I asked her again, but i put a huge sarcastic bite to it..."SO....DO YA" MISS ME "?

 

and she sounded kinda meek when she said "yeah, i do".

 

Again she said she wasn't seeing anybody.

 

I figure i should still play NC and wait for her to call me again, as nothing was ever mentioned about either of us calling the other.

 

I mentioned that I been hanging out in North palm Beach, that I found some cool places to go to, and she said "thats good you found somthing you like". i wasn't boasting or trying to get anything over on her, we were just talking about what we were doing.

 

I also noticed that tho she called me (at the end she said "well i was just calling to say hi") she was kind of quiet like she was nervous or somthing, so i had to lead the conversation, which is rough cuz Im wounded.

 

so where would you go from here ?

[Marko]

its been a rough morning.

 

Im feeling weak, like i want to call her.

 

She said she missed me. This is haunting me.

 

Im scared of not calling her and blowing my opportunity.

[arwen]

Hey marko,

 

I am sorry I didn't get to reply to your last posting earlier! I think it's a positive sign that she called you. Sounds like she really does miss you. I would be careful, don't be scared to not call her. Just leave it for a couple of days, maybe send her an email. I think ecards are excellent for this situation, because you can browse endlessy over the web, and find lots of fun stuff. Find her something that you know she likes. Nothing that is particular for your relationship though.

 

(for example, my bf and I have a certain joke about a certain animal. If I would ever end up in your situation with him- let's pray I don't- I would avoid relationshippy cards, if you get my drift)

 

She won't say she misses you to tease you I think. Just see where it goes from here, and try to live your own life day by day.

 

Ilse.

[Marko]

Therin lies a huge problem. She doesn't have an email address.

 

Its been a rough morning. I'm missing her so much right now. still struggling not to call her.

 

I just feel like if I call her, it sets me back 5 days in recovery. Plus I still think that by not calling her, she may begin to chase me.

 

This morning I called the girl she's been hanging out w/ a lot (she was *our* friend, and her and I were close) and left a message just saying that i wanted to say hi and tell her that I miss her and her b/f a lot (which is totally true) and not worry about calling me back because i still feel embarrassed and ashame of myself for the way i acted at work after she broke up with me.

 

im thinking a positive aspect of that will be that she will at least mention it to my ex, and maybe pop me into her mind. I didn't do it strictly to manipulate a situation, but I figured more could come of it.

 

I don't feel like getting out of bed today.

[Marko]

3 days seems to be my breaking point.

 

I want to call her so bad this morning.

 

I'm beginning to worry that "out of site is out of mind".

 

I am missing her so much. I've been out every night for the last week, but i don't think I can do it anymore. Im not having fun and Im just thinking about/missing her.

 

should I call ?

[Foz]

Hi there,

 

I am nearly at the 6 month mark and it is impossible not to have some hope that they will come back, i think it is only natural.

 

As for contact, in the beginning i desparately wanted to hear from my ex but because he broke up with me i didnt feel like i could ring him so i let him do the contacting. he rang after 3 weeks of being broken up and we met shortly after but i was a complete mess. he then didnt ring again for 6 weeks, again i was a mess after hearing from him. I met him after xmas and still cried but wasnt hysetrical. now i can talk to him without getting myself in a complete state but this is only after 6 months.

 

I think NC helped at the start, even though it was hard. it helped because it created some distance between me and him and if i didnt see him i didnt hurt so much. Every time i met him or we talked i realised how much i was missing out on and i ended up a mess all over again.

 

6 months on, i still miss him and i still want him back but i am not a mess anymore and while it still hurts, it doesnt hurt as bad..

The hope is still there but one thing i do know is, i dont know does he feel the same, only he can tell me if we will get back together, second guessing his feelings is a waste of time.

Whether you will get back together or not is not something that anyone who has read/heard your story will know. Only she knows but give her space to figure out what it is she wants. Chasing after her will make her run further away so give it some time. It is early days..

[Marko]

you think its still early ?

 

I have been really good with the "space"thing. Since we broke up, i have called her maybe 3 times while she has called near 2 dozen.

 

the last time i pressured her (ya, im an idiot) was about 3 or 4 weeks ago, after we made the mistake of having sex.

 

Im always scared/relieved/happy all at the same time when she calls and I see her name on the caller ID.

 

I just don't know if maybe she wants a little effort on my part, to try to get back with her, or if i should just leave it all up to her.

[Foz]

leave it all up to her, she knows how you feel. She was the one who did the dumping so i would say let her have some space to make up her mind what it is she wants. She cant miss you if you are always around. Dont pick up every time she calls and if it is painful to be in contact with her tell her not to call for a couple of weeks as its confusing you!

It is early days, after 5 weeks everything is still raw. let the dust settle and you will begin to think more clearly about things.

[Marko]

how long would you give this before completely writing it off as a loss ?

 

also, im so scared she will meet sombody new, tho she says she has no interest.

[arwen]

Hey Marko,

 

It almost hurts me when I read your posts. Your feelings are so familiar to the ones I had when I broke up a few years ago with my first longterm bf. Although I would never call him, I would always fantasize about him calling, or appearing at my doorstep.

 

I was so scared about him meeting someone else. But you know, once it was clear he had another gf, and even had her while we were not officially broken up, it wasn't as bad as I imagined. Frankly, I didn't care. I was over him.

 

I think NC works good for the fear of her meeting someone else. I honestly don't think she will do so anytime soon, Marko. She broke up with you because she felt very insecure. She felt she wasn't making you happy. I know it hurts you because you feel she DID make you happy, but the feeling is HERS, and it's a good reason to break up. I think she will really have to deal with her insecurities first. I think she really loves you. In life you should never write things off. Just take care that you are not COUNTING on her coming back any time soon. She needs her time now, just try to establish a life that you want for yourself.

 

I wish I could do more for you,

 

Ilse.