Do I have a chance?

[delmar]

I've been lurking on the boards for quite sometime now and am constantly amazed by the time, generosity, and insightfulness shown by so many here. Thank you.

 

Well, you've guess it, I'm trying to get my ex to consider a reconciliation. I know I have an emotional hold on him still, as we were together 12 years, ( I'm 34)-- But am not sure if the mere history of us, as precious as it is, is all there is left on his end or might there still be a spark inside him somewhere.

 

Just a bit: We were married for two years before I began to spiral. We lacked the intimacy I craved so much but didn't know how to ask for, and we had just slipped into the kind of rut that couples get stuck in after so long together. Only thing is we didn't know how to get ourselves out. Lump that in with the fact that we never really gave ourselves any solo growing up time. I lost my identiy--didn't know what I expected from life (love, career wise, education). Looking back now he realizes that he didn't recognize the rut at the time to be able to do his part either, making the situation more complicated, while I became so overwhelmed by it that I couldn't even articulate it...I'd cry in secret sometimes, not fully understanding why.

 

I didn't expect the dynamic of our relationship to change when we married, I just don't think I realized that I needed some solo time to grow on my own. Which resulted in my screw up. All sense of reality became so distorted and I lost all control. I became physically involved with someone who I felt at the time gave me the emotional intimacy I wished for. I was acting like someone I don't even recognize now. We tried to work through my indescretion. It amazes me now how open husband was to get beyond it, counceling, self-help books, etc. But I was still so confused by my actions and felt such guilt and grief that I shun his efforts for a long time-- a year--until he filed for divorce.

 

Since the divorce I have dated a few times. I still think of him. We still speak sometimes. It's been a little over 2 years of divorce and I know there is still a spark there. He is seeing someone now, yet has told me that they have taken a step back when recently he and I realized there might be a possibility left between us (I expressed my desire to see him). But he still spends time with her. They are not intimate...at least it's what he says. And I can tell he's not been physical in quite some time, as we did slip a couple times a few months ago. He was like Dr. Atkins in a bakery. We had a wonderful time together. But I won't compromise myself again, especially if he hasn't cut ties with her. I want to another shot at what we had and what we could. We've both have had a chance to grow and I want to be able to get an oppty to see the product of this time apart and viceversa.

 

He says he's open to conversation, but I feel he is kind of liking this upper hand positon he is in. She calls him and is anxious for him to decide what he's going to do. I try to make sure our conversations are light and make him laugh and also show him I'm staying busy/xocial as well.

 

I'm starting to feel defeated as it has been a month of this. I'm the one doing the reaching out, yet he's the one who called me to tell me he's not making any committment to anyone until he figures out what/if he wants to rekindle things with me.

 

I know I should be patient, he was for me afterall, but part of me thinks that he is just waiting until the decision is not his to make anymore?

[DN]

The problem that you have is to act ethically as far as the other girl is concerned. I can see that she may be anxious. You say they are not physical but what is their emotional commitment to each other?

 

If you think that relationship is not a true commitment and he says he is open to a conversation why don't you ask him to have a serious one. Tell him what you want and ask him what he wants.

 

It may be better to make any reconciliation a slow process and done by stages rather than hope for a complete deal all at once. But you have to start somewhere.

[delmar]

I see what you mean. Just for the record, when we slept together they were NOT seeing eachother. They became "gf/bf "when he hastily made came to a decision, after buckling from the pressure of the situation within a couple weeks.

 

Then he called about 2 weeks later, after he'd made this decision sending me a dr.john letter saying it wouldn't work. I was hurt, somehow didn't give up hope, but stayed away. I knew he didn't really think this through. He explained how he'd made a mistake, appologized for flip flopping, basically wanted me to disregard his goodbye email.

 

I thought that he'd initiate time together, but this hasn't happened yet and I don't understand why.

 

I blew up at him about it the other night over the phone. sooo not what I intended--so that really set me back.

 

Not sure what I should do next. He knows how I feel, yet I have so much more to say to him.

 

Ultimatums have never been my style, but this is making me so distracted, I'm tempted to.

[DN]

Ultimatums are never a good idea - it was ultimatums that led to the First World War.

 

There are ways of talking about this to him - you just have to know how to do it without pressure.

[DN]

I have s ent you a private message if you would care to read it.

 

Good luck

[brando]

I understand it is hard. I have been separated from my xwife for a yaer and a half, and divorced since december of 04. She wanted this divorce, she persued it. We still talk, via email, and an occasional phone call, but it is me reaching out, just trying my best to accept today for today and i try to talk to her like a friend. It's the hardest thing. Patience is important. I am not waiting around for her...i am not throwing myself into dating either.Just taking care of myself. Anyway ultimatums are not the best way to go. Live your life maintain what contact you have with him, and probably most important expect nothing. Sometimes having expectations of an x reconsidering is more painful then the actual rejection / breakup of the relationship. It sounds like you have learned a much about yourself.. it isn't easy looking at ones self, very hard to do. It sounds like you r on the right path. No pressure, be patient. Hope this is helpful...

[Marko]

I think your chances of a reconcilation are good. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like he is at least entertaining the thought. Take it slow. Show him you are stronger now.

 

you did set yourself back by the blow up, but 12 years of history is bigger than that. You just may have to go back to the drawing board.

 

Give this one some time. he sounds like he is dating just for the comfort. i would do the same thing, right or wrong, cuz im really lonely w/out my ex and sombody new to take your mind of somthing like that is very helpful.

 

if you can handle the jealousy factor, I say stick it out....slowly.

[delmar]

Warm thank you's to you all. It helps to get it out. I tend to be very private in my "real life" so I already feel better letting it out with you guys.

 

Yes, I've definitely taken time to work on myself, get a fresh perspective, exercise, threw myself back into my studies and work part-time. It has helped, although, I do get lonely too. ahh well, the nature of the beast I guess, for now anyways.

 

Brando, you're so right about not having expectations so soon. I feel so vulnerable now and need to protect my heart here.

 

I know he is intrigued, but like you said, Marko, I sense he is in this new thing with this girl for comfort. Maybe he is afraid of my firecracker ways, even though this is one thing he would affectionately tease me about when we were together.

 

DN: Thanks for your help, I'm all ears

[brando]

Delmar, you r doing fine. Keep posting.

[delmar]

Thanks brando, I hope so. I felt sort of down today after we found eachother online and didn't get much from him. It was definitely friendly...but almost too much so.

 

He was at work, but he knows I'm up now and...nothing I'm afraid. Until we see eachother again I will continue to stay busy and take care of myself until he surrenders to me!

[brando]

i like your perspective. lol

[Marko]

One thing I am uneasy with, that have never heard anybody give any concern to is chatting online w/ their ex.

 

i don't like the idea one bit and i would try to keep my online status hidden. There is just too much to read into it....

 

First....there is the pressure. its not like the phone when sombody makes an effort to contact. When you see each other online, its almost rude for one person not to acknowledge the other...IMO.

 

Second, im's should not be exposed to conversation. In matters of the heart, wordplay can get crossed, theres no body language or emotion.

 

third, its almost like conversation is forced. When you call, there is a point to your calls....or at least you pretend there is one. online, its like idle chit chat til' an issue is pressed.

 

just my opinion.

[brando]

I can see your point. Especially about the body language, that gives off many clues.

[delmar]

Marko--ugh...that is so true. it's like he doesn't really come away from a chat "needing" to connect with me necessarily b/c we have already, albeit on a surface level. The goal is for him to reach out more and I am defeating my own purpose by settling for im's.

[delmar]

He called me the other night and ended up coming over to talk shortly after we got off the phone.

 

It was very late, I'd been sleeping, but agreed. Before he arrived, I was having second thoughts as my head was still kind of foggy from sleep, etc. and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to effectively articulate my thoughts about things once he got here.

 

Once he got here we quickly began discussing matters. He pretty much was saying the same thing, but his actions betray all the words. He said that a few months ago, before I expressed a desire to see him, he was fine with this new girl, and although they have taken a step back and as he says, "see eachother", they have not graduated to the "girlfriend, boyfriend" title, he wants to see how/where it goes.

 

He seems to be waiting for some sign or some miracle, while I am ready to fight for us. He did say that he loves to be with me...although we've not spent any time together in months, so...

 

One breakthrough: He FINALLY admitted to some lingering apprehension about my getting involved with the other guy. This might be hard to understand, but I was actually kind of relieved. I'd tried to bring it up previously and he would always interrupt me, not wanting to go there too much, and trying to convince me that he understood much more than I realized--the reasons, my confusion and emotional state at the time, etc. I believe he does in theory, but i think he still has some stuff to reconcile with--that is if we have a chance. I was so shocked to finally hear him admit that this might still be an issue for him, I actually don't remember how I responded (this happened on Saturday night). I listened and understood.

 

I want to take this up with him again, but I'm not sure how or if I should right now. We ended up making love that night. He stayed the night and left in the morning. Called me when he got home to explain how hasty he left, didn't even wait for me to make breakfast. He actually realized that he left the door to his house unlocked that night.

 

I've not called him nor has he contacted me. He's got one foot in my door and the other in hers. It's so clear to me that he's with her out of comfort, she was a friend when he was dealing with the divorce, I do not detect any excitement, passion, zest for life, etc. when he talks about her. What is he waiting for?

[delmar]

One other thing I thought was significant is that he seems to want to be sure he is with someone who he "works" with. See, he tends to lean towards gliding through life, enjoys quiet times at home, and is very laid back. I enjoy these things too, but also definitely like to balance things out with more spontaneity, more cultural/social activity. Not that he isn't social, but we would definitely knock heads when it came to deciding as a couple what to do with our time. He was very work oriented and I would get frustrated with this. Never would he read for leisure...not until I left the apartment did he attempt to dip into any of my books. And he told me how much he enjoyed them. When I left he showed lots of effort to understand my interests more, but I rejected it because I was so actively against anything that I thought might set my personal growth back, which at the time I thought was him.

[WECoyote]

Delmar:

 

Hello darlin... Wow... what to say here... I see a lot of similarities in your story and mine. If my calculations are correct, you were the same age as me when you got together. I am deffinately not an expert on this topic. If I were, I wouldn't have my own topic in the same situation. Anyway, my situation hasn't progressed as far as yours as of yet. I do have these things to say... Don't be his doormat! Better yet, don't be his Welcome Mat. I could be wrong but I think that is of utmost importance. I have also read a few good books that may help you. I would be more than happy to provide them to you if you are interested. They are in PDF format. Anyway, I have gotten som good advice here. If you wanted, you are more than welcome to read my story and responses. Maybe you would find some value there.

 

link removed

 

Good luck, and if you ever wanna talk... you can catch me here... feel free to send me a private message. Likewise if you want those PDFs.

 

Good Luck!

 

 

WEC

[delmar]

Doormat, eh...Do you really think that's what's happening here? I don't know. What I do think is that he might be experiencing the thrill of being with someone who helps to forget about the ex for a bit, in this case me.

 

I know too well what this is like. I basked in what at the time I thought was this amazing and passionate connection until I realized my previous relationship with exhusband was much more rich, trusting, and calm.

 

Well, I'm not so sure how thrilling it is for him with this girl. But he insists on waiting it out-- waiting for some sign. He does not express much enthusiasm or much conviction when it comes to her though, as he did take that step back when I confessed my feelings of wanting to see more of him.

 

While he's waiting for this sign I am ready to fight for us, so the timing is a little off right now. For now, I guess I will try to stay casual and just keep things light. It's so hard. He just now mentioned going to see a movie and I couldn't help but wonder who he went to see it with. I think I will go out this week, maybe call this someone who'd been calling me and wanting to go salsa dancing.

 

Do you think I should write him a letter addressing the concerns he expressed about rekindling things? When we were last together, he finally admitted having thoughts about my indescretion before we broke up. I want him to open up more about that, but I'm afraid of getting to emotional. Maybe I should just wait until he brings it up? I don't know that he would right now.

[brando]

dont write the letter, go out dancing have fun, it will help to take your mind off of things. I know it is hard. But he knows where you stand, not much more you can do. OK..

[delmar]

I invited him over last night to hang out, have dinner and relax. He'd already had dinner, but he came over anyways. It was snowing and the roads were slippery but he made it over at around 10pm or so.

 

It was just a light and casual evening where I made dinner for myself and we chatted over a bottle of wine, etc. Neither of us brought up anything too heavy during conversation, which was cool, I wasn't really up for it anyways. We chatted about eating healthy and keeping fit, an issue he is having with his tenant, my mom's new move--just general catching up.

 

After I finished up dinner, we watched the news on t.v. for a bit--he wanted to catch an expose they'd done of ipod manufacturers, etc. The t.v. happens to be in my bedroom, so we sat there on my bed and watched. Afterwards, he did me the favor of checking my laptop for a problem I was having, etc. He's generally a very helpful person, so he was happy to do it. Anyway, as you can probably imagine what progressed shortly after, he ended up leaving at about 12:30-1am or so.

 

I called him to check to see if he ended up going to work just now, since it snowed the night before. After chatting for a little, I suggested we check out a movie tonight--not a big deal--just a movie. He made up some excuse about having to shovel (please) and I got the strong feeling that he was really grasping, as we already mentioned earlier in the convo that due to the warm weather today, the snow seems to be melting pretty quickly.

 

I don't necessarily feel used at all--we are two willing participants here, I invited him and knew very well when I did, it could things could develop in that direction eventually. But the movie thing--did not feel good. I've never gotten this kind of reaction from him before and I'm not sure how to interpret this. Maybe I know but just don't want to accept that he just doesn't see us as anything more than what we were, which is such a shame as I know in my gut that we are and could be much more. I'm going by his actions here, because he hasn't really offered much else...says absolutely nothing about how he is progressing, even though he told me that he wanted to think things through, so I don't want to push. He's letting our chances slip away though by the inaction and the passivity.

 

I will check out that movie tonight-- and will go with someone who actually wants to spend time with me.

[vhshowdown]

Just be glad for the time together, really. And slow things down a bit. I think he just needs a little time to gather his thoughts. I said this before in another post, and the more people I talk to about it, it seems to be the consensus:

 

"A woman usually PLAYS HARD TO GET. Instead of calling, she acts like she's BUSY, this makes the man try even harder, and pursue her

even more. Over the next two weeks you should call him every few days, and see him maybe three times for a few hours each. GIVE HIM THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU! If you're around all the time, you become predictable, expected, and uninteresting. And vice versa for him.

On the other hand, if you're mysterious, challenging, and hard to pin down, he will think about you and miss the times he's had with you."

 

When someone emailed that to me, I read it probably 20 times, and now it is starting to make sense, guess why alot of my relationships before my EX, and since my EX have been 2 months total in duration, cause I would wear it out in the beginning. Well, now I am learning to take a step back, and let LOVE be a slow process....

[DreamLilies]

Hi Delmar,

 

Several times I have invited my ex out to do things and he has declined the offer. And every time I have felt rejected. When I have called and left a voicemail for him, and he didn't respond, I felt rejected. Well, you know what? I'm tired of feeling rejected.

 

Before he went away on his two week trip, he made plans with me for when he got back. I have missed him, and I've been tempted to call, but I am sticking to NC right now so that I don't put myself into a position to feel rejected.

 

I hope you enjoy the movie. When your ex calls you the next time and you tell him about the movie, he will know that you are not putting your life on hold. You have a life, and you are enjoying living it, right?

 

Take care!

[delmar]

vhshowdown--thanks for passing that quote on. It is good sound advice and I know I am strong enough to stay away to give it time. I worry though sometimes that it will send the wrong message. There is still so much that needs to be said on my end and I am caught between giving him the space he needs (not being pushy) and being more aggressive to let him know where I stand.

 

DreamLilies--I wonder though, if I stayed away too long would he get used to not seeing/hearing from me... But then if he does, I guess it will finally let me know if we are headed anywhere together and whether or not our bond is strong enough to stand this test. I have to practice being more patient and not think too much about his friendship/relationship with other people. Piece of cake!

 

It all sounds perfectly logical, but is sooo hard to carry out. I am getting tired of doing the reaching out thing though. He seems to just be floating into neutral territory. Perhaps he doesn't want to be involved with anyone as his behavior is kind of half-assed all over the map, which is actually kind of a turn off.

[delmar]

I've been feeling like I'm getting a better handle on things in the last couple days. Up until now I'd been trying to devise ways in which to create an opportunity to interact in even the most insignificant of ways, i.e., approaching him with an instant message if I noticed him online, etc... This very often only served to make me feel like I was chasing him or manipulating the situation in some way when, for me, the ideal scenario would be to be 100% sure that he came to me because he missed me--the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

I actually saw him over the weekend. He came to help out with my mother's move and I couldn't help but feel nostalgic watching him interact with my parents, aunt, sisters, their boyfriend/husband. I know he enjoyed being there (catching up, laughing, and joking around) as I wasn't expecting him to help out from start to finish the way he did, especially on a Saturday afternoon. But then he hadn't seen my mom in quite awhile so...

 

We had just a few moments alone (the drive home in the car, etc) and he never made any mention about how it may've felt for him to be around all of us at once like old times and I didn't either. I remember making a kind of flirtatious inquiry about what he was wearing under the fleece pants he was wearing that day and he very stiffly replied," ...pants..." okayy?? lol... We said a very quick goodbye before exiting his car at the end of the afternoon and that was that.

 

I am officially backing off after this weekend in terms of always being the one doing the calling. It's gonna kill me. I want to reconnect with him and he has me at arms length. Do you think this is the right way to go?

[vhshowdown]

delmar, ya, it is tough. You feel like you are between a rock and a hard place. Dont know which way to turn, what to do, etc.... Unfortunately, who knows what the best course of action is?!?! Problem I'm facing is I kow what my head says, but my heart says something completely different. I have been following my heart, but I am slowly leaning toward what my head is saying...

 

1) Ok you said you flirted with him a little, but really didnt get the response you were looking for. Maybe you caught him off guard?

(In my situation, I want to get back together, she wants to be friends, see other people, etc... well she is the one who flirts and I am not sure how to react. I guess I want a one man girl, she doesnt want that)

 

2) I think you are right to back off a little bit, get him thinking a little bit, but dont get him thinking you are mad or anything....

 

Just give it a few days off, see what happens towards the weekend, then maybe give him a call, but, hopefully he will call you......... Now if he does call you, will you be prepared??