How to get him back before it's to late

[kara555]

Ok! I am going to try to keep this short. My ex and I were having problems around Christmas I was very stressed out and I was pushing him away. I kept getting mad and telling him to leave and he didn't. Well right after the New Year I told him to leave again and he did. I tried to apologize but, he wasn't having it. He didn't call me for almost a month. He told a friend to tell me a few things. We have a very close mutual friend that works with my ex everyday. I know that my ex talks about me everyday and that he loves me. He wouldn't talk to me so I went to a class that he has and confronted him. I asked him why he couldn't just call me tell me that it was over. He said that he didn't want to have to through the confrontation. Anyway, he told me that it was over and that he was going to turn my cell phone off on 2 days later. I said ok that's fine. Well the day he was supposed to turn the phone off he called me at 8:30pm on a Friday knowing that I was either out or on my way out. He was really sweet asking me if I had a chance to get the phone taken care of I told him no but, he could turn it off. He was so nice and told me no that he could leave it on for a few more days I said thanks he tried to talk to me but I was going somewhere and he had just hurt my feeling really bad two days before. I told him that I would go the next day to take care of it and would let him know what happens. He said ok and we talked for a few more minutes as we were getting off the phone he said to call him tomorrow and that he really looked forward to talking to me. I did know what to think that night so I just hung out with everybody. The next day I went to the phone place and they told me that we had to go there together. I really didn't feel like thinking about him all night on Saturday so I didn't call. I left a message the next day saying that we had to go together and that he could call me on Monday or whenever he had a minute. I asked him not to call me that night because I was going to Super Bowl Party and I was going to be around a lot of people. Well, he hasn't called me since then. I hear from our friend that he's not going to turn the phone off and that he loves me. The friend said that I am starting to turn the tables on him and that I was making him think. He doesn't want me to date anyone else and he is making plans to try and run into me places. I called him yesterday which was Valentine's Day and left him a Message just saying Happy Valentine's Day Hope you had a good day talk to u later. No response at all. What can I do to make him understand that I love him and that I was just going through a stressful time in my life and that I want him back? He thinks that nothing will change but, everything already has. I am trying to get through to him but it doesn't seem to be working. Please help me!

[chai714]

This is not easy. The process of reuniting involves consistent communication, an array of emotions on part of both parties, and the absense of the ego. The reason that he has not turned off your cell phone is because he wants the comfort of knowing he could get a hold of you if he so desired. That does not mean he will call though. Humans like to have options to do things, but that does not mean we will do them. It's like the gym pass your fat neighbor has - it makes him feel good knowing he could get in shape, but that does not necessarily mean he will.

 

Your ex seems to be practicing avoidance right now, which means he's dealing with his emotions. This may be healthy for him right now, and he's taking time out. Not a bad idea, especially that you broke things off with him.

 

One thing you'll have to have is patience and knowledge. Getting your ex back is a process, and everyone has their own ideas. In the end though, it comes down to how you make him feel when he's around you. This includes phone conversations, etc. Also - on a side note, the more people you get involved in your breakup, the worse. Keep it between you and him. You'll find that once a damaging act (such as a breakup) has occurred, it's much tougher to rebuild the bridge. It can be done though, with the right attitude, patience, and tactics.

[kara555]

Ok! I know that I have to play it cool and all but, is there something that I can do to get him initiate contact with me. He did right after he told me that it was over. He called and was really sweet. i honestly think he wasn't ready to tell me that it was over and he still wants me to hang on but, what am i hanging on to. HELP!

[chai714]

As time passes, your situation will become more clear. He'll have time to sort out his emotions as will yourself. The process of getting him back is a lot more complex than "playing it cool". Implement NC (no contact) for now. If you were to get back with him today, it would not be a good thing. Why? Because when something went wrong, it's important to discover what it was, create a plan of attack, then implement your plan. In other words, the problems you two had would not go away just because he came back. This is where many go wrong, and they get into a routine of unhealthy behavior. Getting him back does not happen overnight. Since you're still emotional about it and it's so fresh, NC for a bit. You won't take my advice because NC is almost impossible for 99% of humans, but limit your contact with him for now.

[DN]

Hold on! Unless I read this wrong you kept telling him to leave and then he did. Surely it is up to you to get this relationship back on track not start blaming him!

 

You confronted him (in public?) at a class and then you say he hurt your feelings!

 

Some soul searching is required here I would strongly suggest

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Do you think that it might be possible that he's trying to protect himself from being hurt? I swear, for a second there while I was reading your post that you were my recent ex. Only difference is that although she pushed me away, it wasn't me who broke things up, it was her. Now she wants to try again, but I'm terrified to try and probably won't. She hasn't changed, she's still blames me for making her push her away. Too bad she still won't tell me what it was that's making her think that. If she could at least I wouldn't be 100% positive that the same thing wouldn't happen again.

 

Anyway, my point. It's entirely possible that your ex is feeling the same thing I am with my ex right now. Have things changed? Really? If not then he's most likely just doing his best to heal and move on. DN, is right I think, some soul searching is definitely required. Although you technically are the dumpee, in reality what choice did you leave him by telling him he should leave you?

[DN]

To expand a little on my post regarding soul searching. It seems when reading your message that you have made this situation all about you and are disregarding his feelings.

 

You are stressed so you take it out on him and tell him to leave so he does. You apologise and he is supposed to come back because you want him to.

 

You get entangled in the cell-phone issue which should be immediately resolved as it is a distraction from the real issues in your relationship.

 

Now you are still wanting him back and say he has no reason to stay away from you because you are over your stress and everything is just great.

 

If I were advising him I would tell him to be very careful about getting back together until he was very sure that you cared about his well-being as well as your own.

 

And that you were making an effort to realise that you have no right to take your stress out of him, to treat him as an emotional punching bag and to expect him to forgive and forget when you decide you have relieved enough stress.

 

And that if he should decide to go back to you, he should make sure that your relationship from now on is going to be more equal, less emotionally abusive and that you can resolve problems by negotation and compromise undertaken calmly instead of hysterical over-reaction.

 

I am not advising him - but my advice to you is to resolve to do those things and then write him a letter, apologise for your behaviour without attacking or blaming him in any way, and ask him to try and put the relationship back together as adults.

[lilsmc]

omg. This post is soo similar to what happened to me. I pushed my ex away too. I was also feeling stressed out and we were arguing a lot so i told him to just leave...and he finally did. I tried to get back with him, but he said that He cant because he says that everytime we argue, he hurts too much and he cant go on like this. I see him all the time which really doesnt help at all because i still am trying to get over him. I dont know if he still has feelings for me or not, probably not. I mean it has been almost 5 months since we broke up, but it is still kind of hard. He told me it wasnt my fault that we broke up , that it was all his because he got me mad... BUT then again He had many excuses as to why he couldnt get back with me, but the main one was that it hurt him too much to try again. I really didn't think he would just end things, because i thought he was crazy about me.. But then i Guess i toOk HIM for GRANTED!! and he ended up getting sick and tired of my Sh*t. thanx you for listening.

[kara555]

thank you to everyone for your replies hopefully we can make this work. I need some ideas to get him to see me or to get him to call me. Any ideas? Kara

[kara555]

Ok! What should I do about the phone bill. I don't want him to have to pay the bill himself. Any Ideas?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I've already PMd you, but I read what you said here and I have to say that I'm concerned. Just remember, you can't "get" him to do anything, he's his own person. Listen to the advise DN and I have given you, please. Unless you take that to heart, even if he agrees to talk to you, you'll probably only push him farther away. I know it's not easy, but it needs to be done.

 

I do truly hope everything works out for you.

[kara555]

Ok! I have an addition to my story. First off I have been so good I haven't called at all since Valentines Day. Well I didn't even call on Valentine's I just left him a message. I found out that last weekend my ex went over to my sisters house to visit my nieces and nephew which if you want to cut off all contact with me that is not the way to go about it. Anyway, he asked my brother-in law if I was dating anyone and just random questions. So I think that the no contact thing is working. My brother-in-law asked why he didn't just keep me as a friend with benefits and he told him that he couldn't do that because he knew that it would lead into us being back together and he doesn't have time for a girlfriend right now. I am not that kind of girl anyway you either want me or not but, I think that he was asking to see what kind of reaction that he got. Just trying to figure my next step any suggestions.

[rainy soul]

How long has it been since he went to visit your family? My situation is very similar to yours...infact i told my ex to "go ahead and get it over with." Boy have I learnt that that was a major mistake! Try and look at things from your perspective...you've been doing the no contact thing for awhile, but i'm sure that any opportunity you have to find out information about him you pounce on...I only know this because I am doing the same thing. I had to stop myself from sending an email to his mother the other day where I not so casually mentioned him and that he has cut off contact with me. Obviously my sole intention was to have her answer my email with any information about him I could get. When I speak to our mutual friends I ask everytime "is he seeing anyone?" If your ex took the time to visit your family and then inquire as to your romantic status it sounds like a part of him is still hanging on somewhere. If you do call him make sure that you do not bring the relationship up. Make sure that you sound upbeat and busy...remember people want what they can't have. Good luck I hope things work out for both of us in the end!!

[kara555]

Ok well still no contact from him. I had not called since Valentines Day and I saw him on the road yesterday so I called and left a message. He called my brother yesterday after I left the message to talk about the Maryland Basketball game. I don't understand. He still has not shut off the cell phone and has not told me what the bill is for it either. He is still contacting my family. I do not know what the deal is after he tells me that you never know what the future holds. I don't know how to handle the situation anymore I just don't understand how after all this time has passed why can't he just talk to me.

[rainy soul]

I hear ya girl!

What is with these men and their inability to face the music...its not logical or possible for me to cut off contact with someone after being their lover, friend, and sharing a home with them for so long. Was your ex good friends with your bother during or before your relationship? I mean good enough friends to have kept the friendship going even after the two of you were through? If not then maybe he was too chicken sh** to call you himself and thought that he could extract some info from your brother. Maybe this is his way of playing some sort of game with you..I'm sure he knew that your brother would tell you that the ex had called. I really don't know I'm starting to be at a loss myself here in my own situation and am asking myself the same damn questions! Good luck

[DN]

I hear ya girl!

What is with these men and their inability to face the music...

 

same as with women who can't bear the band playing!!

[rainy soul]

Hi DN,

your right I shouldn't be stereotyping just understand that it comes from sheer frustration with a deep underlay of hurt. Women can be just as "bad" as men however from my own humble personal life experience I've observed a very distinct way of communicating between men and women...but then maybe I've just known certain kinds of men!

[DN]

Hi DN,

your right I shouldn't be stereotyping just understand that it comes from sheer frustration with a deep underlay of hurt. Women can be just as "bad" as men however from my own humble personal life experience I've observed a very distinct way of communicating between men and women...but then maybe I've just known certain kinds of men!

 

Time to look for a different kind of man. The are millions of 'em. I am sorry you have been hurt - please don't let it distract you from finding the man who will make you happy.

[kara555]

Ok still no contact he calls my sister and brother-in-law at least twice a week. Asks questions about who I am hanging out with and all that but refuses to call me. I do not understand him at all. I need a next move i want to get him back I know that is what I want. I am jsut not sure how to do it. Does anyone have any suggestions?