If you are struggling to find someone or have social issues...

[musicman777]

Hello everyone!

Well I haven't posted on here lately due to work but today was a free day/evening for me to catch up on some leisure time. I wanted to share something on here, and I think it would be nice for other people (well of any age but those in their 20's like myself) to read, especially guys. I don't always come here to ask for help so much as to let others know how to deal with stuff in life.

Months ago I tried the dating sites, mainly match.om (some of you have read about it...). To my dismay, I got one measly date out of it in three months of constantly messaging (as well as trying POF.com as well). The girl was decent looking and very nice/compatible. I bought a very nice dinner for her and she blew me off after the first date. I also got a mono-like virus from kissing her that put me out of commissions for weeks (NOT kidding!).

 

Anyway, recently I decided to try a new approach to this whole thing. Rather than looking for someone (although I would still like that I don't think making that my main focus in life was getting me far) I aimed to start becoming a more social person instead. I posted this a few months ago, but I decided to join a volleyball league on meetup.com. This was an actual league where you were randomly be placed on co-ed teams. This wasn't just to meet women but male friends as well, both young and old to expand my circle. You know, the more people you know, the more chances you have to meet someone. It's good to have friends and let them know you are on the market. Also, it's not a terrible way to get exercise instead of doing the stupid home gym videos everyday.

Anyway, I wanted to point out. Immediately in the first week. We had a meeting before even playing. My team, no single women, mixed ages. That being said, I didn't realize how anti-social I had become over the years! I'm 25 now, and even with people I wasn't attracted to or anything, I just felt SO awkward communicating with these strange people. I mean, I talk to people, I have other hobbies/activities with familiar faces I don't have a problem talking to. But THIS. Even into the first volleyball match, I would REALLY struggle even calling for the ball or anything... I just felt so weird!!!! I was almost ashamed of myself how almost fearful I am of talking to strange people.

 

Eventually weeks into this now, I am starting to become a lot more comfortable with not on my team but everyone there. The team is doing better (I think because of communication), I cheer the team on more, I don't feel so weird doing it now. And last week I also played on a practice team full of young/single women. And the funny thing I have realized, when they see you there having fun, talking to people, they tend to want to be around you more, not so weird like talking to random strangers in the wild and expecting miracles to happen...

So I wanted to share this experience with others. Are you struggling to find someone? Like me, mid twenties (even older). Down in the dumps, not many friends left? I encourage you to try something like this. NOT just for the dating, but because this was a real wake up call that I have really become uncomfortable with talking to people in general. You don't have to join a volleyball league, BUT what is nice about sports is you kind of have to learn to talk/communicate and be comfortable with people and your teammates (or you will lose and look stupid!). You are all doing something physical as well and people in sports tend to be in better shape and take care of themselves (example, I don't' think anyone on the league is a smoker or has bad habits, etc.) This applies to any age, there are old, gray men on this team and women in their 40s/50s even.

 

This has been nothing but a hugely positive experience for me. I have to say that my normal life, I don't feel so down in the dumps/depressed in the week when I get out to do things like this now. I look forward to it throughout the week and meeting new people doing it. You know if you feel crappy, it may not be just because you are single but maybe you don't spent time having fun with and around people. So yea, try it out. If you are having trouble and on the stupid dating sites, hang it up. Get out there and just start living and trying things like this. I really enjoy it and I also like my teammates very much, although none of them are girlfriend material or my age I really enjoy seeing these people and it reminds you not everyone on the planet is scum.

[catfeeder]

I didn't realize how anti-social I had become over the years! I'm 25 now, and even with people I wasn't attracted to or anything, I just felt SO awkward communicating with these strange people.

 

Isn't that a gem? GREAT job, MM!

 

It's true that involving yourself in a group can bond you in ways you wouldn't have considered. I worked in my company for years before they started a wellness program that includes lunch time exercise classes. I had considered myself reasonably social on the job before this, despite that my exposure is limited to certain roles.

 

I joined these classes for my own health, and our focus is on our individual performance. But there's nothing like locker room babble to bond people, even when it goes on around you without much input from you. Over time, just the familiarity breeds connections that become comfortable and comforting.

 

Work now feels like an intimate and friendly place. We not only visit with one another outside of class and join one another for walks around the building late afternoons, we are open and we welcome and encourage others to join us--if not in class, then for lunches or walks or projects and events outside of work.

 

And, yes, this opens new avenues for dating. The more people in your life, the more people who are invested in you happiness, the more you'll feel loved regardless of dating. That's the foundation of a healthy person--and healthy people attract other healthy people.

[musicman777]

Thanks catfeeder! Yes I am trying. Part of this whole dating dilemma, well, I'm a scientist (or soon will be once schooling is done). You know, I like to "work the problem". And when I work the problem of dating/singleness, well, I study and read a great deal, including reading people's situations on here similar to me. And you start to see patterns... I think that is the keyword. I look at patterns and compare them to myself. What do I see a lot on here compared to myself? Well, guys are single and often they follow up with things like "I'm not that social", "I don't get out much", "I don't have friends", etc. They start making up excuses, they try dating sites, they try meeting people in public, much like myself...

 

I would make a safe assumption that guys (including myself), some may be upset, depressed, and down in the dumps simply because they aren't social enough. Social life is an important aspect of being human, it's how we grew from caveman to astronaut. People survived and learned to live by being in groups. Unless you are living in an apocalyptic wasteland, chances are there are plenty of opportunities and things out there to meet people. I will post more later, gotta go!