Ignoring Her Birthday

[Jason16264]

Hello,

I have posted to this forum several times in the past concerning my ex-girlfriend "Mary". Three months have passed now since me and her began talking again yet little progress has been made. Right now I just want to ignore her for good and move forward with my life. Sure, we have made love on numerous occasions, but when I ask her to define the relationship she just says, "We're talking right now...you have to call me more often." I have a stubborn will, however, and will not do so. I feel that since she broke it off last time it should be her place to make more of the effort. What really ticks me off is that she not only calls me but 1-2 times a week, each time she does the subject of our conversation centers upon why she does not make more of an effort to see me. She'll see me maybe a couple of times a month and everytime we end up making love-either the physical attraction between us remains or she is just using me to get off. She even spent the night with me twice-including a hotel room with a jacuzzi. I thought getting the room would be a romantic way to bring us back together, yet nothing has changed. I told her if this is the kind of relationship she wants then I'll find me a nice girl to spend most of my time with and use her just for sex-like a mistress. She objected and handed me the usual line, "I wanna be with you, but you have to make an effort!" I am sick of her ripping and running all the time and not making any time for me. She says she loves me, but at this point I could care less. The love I felt for her is gone, I can't even force myself to cry because she has put me through so much that it has had a numbing effect on my emotions. Her birthday is coming up in 9 days(June 10)and I am seriously considering dissing her totally. Time and again I have read the post on this site 'Use Absense to Increase Desire and Respect' and I've been trying to put it to good use. I ignored her phone call the other night and hopefully she won't call again because it is awfully tempting to answer. Maybe if I just let her go then I would make my point loud and clear-she can either make a profound effort to have me or lose me for good. I've kissed her butt so many times in the past and forgiven her for things most guys wouldn't tolerate for a second and now it is her turn in my opinion.

There are so many things about her that have turned me off recently. Like I said earlier, she rips and runs everyday. She'll work from 7:30 in the morning to 3:30 in the afternoon. Later that day she'll go to her friend's apartment(which is in close proximity to my house by the way) or hang out at the mall. God only knows what-she's sleeping with somebody else probably because she doesn't look at intimacy the same way I do. I feel to have intimacy there must be a commitment. But then again, alot of my standards and values are straight from the 'Leave It To Beaver' days. She thinks she's all that riding around in her Ford Contour blasting the Bryan Adams song, "'Summer of 69'". Kind of makes you wonder why she enjoys the song so much. Isn't "69" supposed to symbolize a certain sexual act. Her friends had the gall to ask me to buy alcohol for them, which I refused. She is so impressionable and naive that come her 21st birthday, she'll probably drink right along with them. One night she came over unannounced at 10:30 with two of her friends that wanted to meet me. She was dressed like a tramp with more make up on her face she looked like a clown. She couldn't see me any other time.We got into an argument and she started crying, which her mascara ran giving her the appearance of black eyes. Then of course she ended up spending the night and stupid me made love to her. To top it all off, several guys have been chasing her. One guy at her place of work calls her numerous times during the day, follows her, and the like. She told me that somebody "tall with dark hair" came looking for her at work one day according to a supervisor. Well, they can have her. I never dreamed of the day when a headache would be a desirable thing.

Whew! I'm glad I was able to rant a little bit! But my problem is this: Am I rude to ignore her birthday and just chuck everything? I've got plenty of living to do and plenty of potential to realize and everybody is telling me that I don't deserve this crap. For crying out loud, I was seriously considering giving "Mary" a Rolex for her birthday as I have never seen her with a wristwatch and I thought it would make a tasteful and thoughtful gift. After giving it some thought and seeing the lack of progress that has been made between me and her, she doesn't even deserve a Timex! For that matter she does not even deserve the mud off my shoe, she deserves nothing but to be left alone. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Take Care,

Jason

[charlotte_skye]

Jason.....

I hope your goin alright but I just need to acknowledge that there is more then one matter here that needs to be addressed, it seems that theres a few things that are bothering you all in rleation to your xgirlfriend.

 

Ive been in this similar situation in two different relationships, one of them i am still kind of involved in but the good thing with this i suppose is that ive played both parts, ive been the one to be told they need space and them not call me as much as i call them etc and ive played the part of being theone that left them and needed space but still wanted them to call me so i should be of atleast some help.

 

The first thing i need to maybe point out thoughis based on you and your efforts, im very alike to you in the way that i feel they should make the effort if they left me or they caused the fight but then youve got to wonder to yourself if your mature enough to know what you really want, because if this girl is what you really want you need to realize that swallowing yuor pride to someone you love is worth doing.

I agree though there needs to be some balance of communication between the both of you, but im more then sure that the reason shes asked for space and now asking you to make the effort is because she needs you to DO what you say and prove your feelings, its easy to say things but to do it is stronger then words.

You havent said much about your past and maybe in those mnths you were together maybe she felt neglected or not loved eough who knows, only you know these things but theres an obvious communication problem between the two of you that needs to be sorted before any progress can happen. ask her whay she wants you to call her more then her call you etc...

Besides all this is sounds as if shes quite young she may be alil of a unrealistic person,you sound like you have gone to alot of trouble and gettin hotels and all and she still isnt addressin the relationship.

You need to think about what your wnats and needs are and it sounds like as u said you have morals and dont just sleep around or anything and yet shes sleepin with you without lettin you knwo where you stand now etc which is so unfair and selfish of her.

In my opinion i htink shes too young for you, you knwo what you want and need and yet you really wnated to be with her who may want different things and youve been needing to understand her actions and you havent had anything to go on which makes it hard but as you see it sound slike both your prides have been gettin in the way of communication in which you so badly needed. Though this is in the past now and your askin wether or not you should ignore her. My opinion here is that you sound alil angry and thats allpart of it but it will pass and soon you wont be angry and you may only remember the good times and then maybe regret havin ignored her and so you should always just leave it on a happy note i think. If you feel you need to ignore her on her bday thats cool but just make sure your doing it cos you feel you need to break free from her and not to just get a reaction from her. Also yes you will be being rude but if she truly has been doing you worng then you have your rights and if you do wnat to be free of her what do u have to loose.

In my position now im in or wa sin a relationship where i was scared to get hurt again and as im leaving to travel for 6 mnths i cut it off cos i was too scaed to ask him to wait even htough he said he would but now hes listened to me and he isnt waiting and i realize just how much i wish i could of asked him and hes stopped calling and stuff like he used to and sometimes u do have to loose what you had before you realize how much you needed it, as thats what happened to me but then i wonder if i got him back again as i kinda have do i really want him to wait, you see its so tricky cos sometimes people justw ant want what they dont have but in my situation i wnat him but just not now and that isnt fair on him an di know it. So maybe ou ignorin her etc will make her realize but are you going to get what you really want out of a relationship with her? I htink befor eyou do something liek ignore her to get her to want you, you both need to try to talk and sort out wether you both feel as strongly and wnat the same things. As from what you have said about her you think lowly ofher about a few things and that could et in the way..........and maybe have you thought maybe you wnat her now you havent got her?????????With this havin sex thing, every time im with this guy i couldnt ask to wait for me i really want to get intimate and its cos i have feelings for him and the attraction is there and the same with my last relatonship but that didnt mean i wnated to be with them again, you know. sex is always trciky your just going to have to ask her why it is she has sex with you still. either way she isnt doing the right hting and you just need to think about you and your needs and not worry bout her.

[cobro]

Hey man, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I started avoiding my ex who is seeing and sleeping with someone else and after about 1 week she couldn't stand not knowing what was going on in my life. So she called me, we got in a fight, she said she was not going to call me for a while, I was like "ok, cool." She said I could call her on her birthday which is in 2 months, she will be 21 also. I said I don't know if I will. She has caused so much pain in my life by ME allowing her to stick around as a friend after the relationship is over. It's like a wound that won't heal, it is better to know that she won't call you again or for a very long time. YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS RIGHT NOW, especially friends with benefit. It hurts, but that's the way it has to be unless you want constant drama in your life CAUSED by her, knowing what she is doing, who she might be doing. She obviously doesn't know what she wants, you need to move on as hard as that may be right now, unless you want to end up a basket case. Hope this helps, it came from what I just went through, basically the same situation as yours.

 

cobro