Do men generally downplay serious relationships to flirt or something more?

[simplethings]

Wow, fantastically helpful response ParisPaulette, thank you.

 

This friendship began because we had something in common we were both passionate about that we didn't have in common with either people. Now, we still have that passion in common and we really enjoy sharing in it when together. We also have lots of others in common...our political, spirituual beliefs etc are also very similar. With other friendships, our commonalities diverged completely and that's where the friendship disappeared.

 

Obviously the guy is a childhood friend but I don't know if his girlfriend is aware of my existence and I think that is what is bothering me. I bet I would feel a lot better about meeting him if I knew either way. And you know what? I want to meet this woman he has decided to share his life with. She must be pretty great.

 

I think I did stay silent when he made that comment because 1) I wanted to keep the peace/not rock the friendship boat after so much time and 2) I think I almost wanted to entertain the idea because I was not in a good place. Now...with a clearer mind, I think it was disrespectful. He never did this with past girlfriends - he always heaped praise on them and made his love for them clear from the outset. I still see a good man who has good qualities...but I also see that he has changed, that maybe there are things about his life I don't know about and to keep this in mind when interacting with him. I don't think he is 100% happy in his life and as his friend I want him to be happy. However, I am at a very good place in my life and am wary of being dragged down in any way.

 

My ideal scenario? That in the future we both have partners who can meet and be a part of each others lives. Maybe that won't happen, but I hope it can.

[ParisPaulette]

If you're close friends then you should be able to speak up and tell him these things. "Hey, so when do I get meet your girlfriend anyways?" Followed by joking comments like, "Stop dissing a fellow female. If you're not happy you need to be telling her, not me."

 

You are the one who has to establish the boundaries and he will either follow or he won't. He may not even be consciously doing it, but there's probably something in the back of his mind that maybe if things don't work out he has you waiting in the wings. Nip that in the bud. If you can't be outspoken with your friends and call them on their crap as well as love them for all their good qualities, then what's the point?

 

I had someone I thought was a good male friend and then when I met my husband he got very upset. It came out he'd just been being friends with me, because his marriage was on the rocks and in his head I was slotted to be the next woman to take over the soon to be ex-wife's place. I disabused him of that idea in a hurry and ended the friendship. I am simply too old for that high school crap and he said something about my now husband that seriously angered me.

 

Be willing to do the same and if you think he's keeping you a secret that's a hidden agenda that isn't cool. Like I said I'd dial the friendship way back to only in public with other people around and push to get to meet his girlfriend. Or even since you're friends, just drop her a line introducing yourself. If it's all on the up and up he won't mind and shouldn't, after all. Fastest way to stop being someone's secret is to announce yourself to the world.

[simplethings]

I think I have not asked the question because I am afraid that he will hum and haw, meaning she knows nothing about me. I have a gut feeling he may hum and haw. And then pow! So many years of friendship called into serious question. I know I would have to say either be transparent and let us meet, or this is over.

 

He once told me I was his "exactly his type" (years ago). He also told his then girlfriend this. At the time I was outraged and put it down to immaturity but last year, after a couple of comments the thought crosses my mind: has he always been angling for something other than friendship? Out of the entirety of our friendship, only a few comments have been made so I have let them go. I know that my friend does respect me as a general rule because he is usually a gentleman. But if he is suggestive again, I will be firm.

 

But I will keep him at arm's length and the next time we meet I will stop messing around and ask to meet his other half. Thanks again, you've given me a lot to think about and I will mull it over.