Can we be friends?

[frida]

Hi all!! Its been a very long time since I've written...

 

My ex ended things with me a little over 8 month ago. It was probably one of the hardest things I've gone through. I was pretty depressed for the first few months, but the 6th I finally felt at ease and at peace. My ex and I had little to no contact after the break up, despite the fact that we went to school together, had a class together, and work in the same building. Not my decision- I tried reaching out twice and got little response. Lets just say it was very uncomfortable to run into each other at work.

 

Since I went home for the summer I have moved on. Started dating someone for about a month, which came to a mutual end when I went back to school. Over the summer my ex did contact me for the first time post break up to be friends.. I told him I didnt know if I could and needed time. I later asked why he couldn't talk to me when we were at school in person and he didn't give me an answer.

 

Now I've been in school since August and my ex has reached out twice, asking to meet up. Though I was hesitant, I decided I would go. At the lunch I felt like I was finally able to tell him how I felt. I asked why he wanted to meet? Why he wanted to be friends? Why couldn't he talk to me last semester? And that I didn't really care to know about his life and his summer, because it was all too hard. He essentially told me that if I didn't want to be friends that I wasn't obligated to stay, but that he truly missed me as a person, I was his best friend and still wanted me in his life. He said it was hard for him in the beginning of the break up and never knew what to say. At the end he told me to take all the time I needed and to think about being friends with him. Within this almost two hour lunch we were actually able to talk and laugh about things like old times, which was really nice. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said not at the moment but I did date someone over the summer from my church, to which he responded "I'm sure you're family was happy." (He always assumed the fact that he was a part of a different church than my family was a problem with them- it was not) Of course I asked him if he had met anyone, to which he responded, "My beliefs on dating have changed. I more importantly want to develop friendships with girls first then date them when I'm ready for marriage." The lunch ended amicably and I have seen him at work a couple times, still a little awkward, but a thousand times better. We acknowledge each other, say hi and even chat a bit.

 

I'm at the point now that I don't know what I want. A part of me has gotten use to the fact that he is no longer in my life. However, grabbing lunch was really nice and everything flowed so smoothly that it made me realize that I do indeed miss him. BUT I don't want to agree to be friends and never hear from him again, cause that would be a painful.

 

I don't understand what he wants. Why be friends now? We've both moved on, met new people, have different groups of friends and barely see each other outside of work.

[Sarah691607309662]

"lunch ... made me realize that I do indeed miss him. BUT I don't want to agree to be friends and never hear from him again, cause that would be a painful. "

 

This. Tell him this. You do not have to say anything more. He will understand. Give him time to think about these words. I would not even tell it in person for one reason - in person we react not to words but to non-verbal sings and words we often miss. Also in person his reaction to these words will be impulsive, based on your body language at the moment and not on the message you are delivering. This is why I think it would be more meaningful to send those words as a product of your thinking upon his suggestion via text, email, etc. And wait for his response. Take it from there.

 

I think he worth a shot. You seem attached to him. He seems to have second thoughts. But there is always this possibility... That he wants your friendship as a point of reference in his search for other partners. He obviously values you a lot as a person and to him you hold a lot of power... he might want to find someone who will be more remarkable for him than you and this is why he needs to in this game - to compare and ensure that he has it right.

[HeartGoesOn]

The one drawback here is, as "friends" would you be happy for him if he met someone else? If the answer is "no," you're not in a place where you can be friends in the true sense of the word.

 

If he wanted to get back together, he'd make the crystal clear, rather than risk losing you to someone else. That said, I'd give this much more thought...

[frida]

If he's using me to compare others to why be friends?

[frida]

I don't think he wants to get back together but I don't understand his motives. I also wouldn't want to know if he's dating someone else....

[overthemoon86]

You obviously still have feelings for your ex, even though it has been 8 months having lunch with him brought back all those feelings and unfortunately, I think it has done more harm then good. I don't think being friends with him is a good idea, I think it is going to cause you more pain. I would take a step back from all of this, focus on yourself, and go back into no contact. Take care of yourself.

[No1]

Okay, no where in any rule book does it say you have to be friends. Much like a relationship, it takes two to be friends. So if you don't want to be friends, the don't be. Being friends with an X you still want to be in a relationship is not easy. I personally think for Xs to be friends, the want to be together has to go away for both parties involved. Why? Great question... Because if you two were 'friends' now, how would your X feel if you told him that you met the man of your dreams.. that this is the one you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with? He is not going to take it so well. And the flip side to that what if he told you he met the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and he wants to marry her.. How would that make you feel?

If you can honestly say that both of you wouldn't care, then okay you can be friends, but if one of you would get angry or jealous, then you two cant be friends right now.