Breaking up will be good for me, but it will kill him!

[shun ten satsu]

I'm in quite a dilemma here. There is a boy who I go to school with, I met him in the beginning of freshman year. He was over 300 lbs. and didn't have many friends. Noticing that he was quite lonely, I began to talk to him. We soon discovered that we enjoyed many of the same things and had a lot in common. I introduced him to my group of friends and we all soon became close friends. By the beginning of sophomore year, he wanted more than a friendship. Though this didn't take me by complete surprise, I wasn't planning on a relationship, I was even somewhat avoiding it. However, he was a nice boy, and I would probably be the only girl he could have a chance with in high school, not to mention I didn't want to hurt him by saying no. So, I half-heartedly agreed to go out with him. I tried to love him, I tried my very hardest to ignore his flaws and enjoy the relationship. But, then I realized: how can there ever be a real relationship if I have to try at all, let alone painfully hard to love who I'm with?

 

And now...the plot thickens. I have recently began talking with one of my neighbors who is my age. We have much in common and we became fast friends. He's a shy, sort of skittish boy with a childlike wonderment that makes him very cute and easy to love. I am more than ready to have a relationship with him, however, I don't believe in cheating no matter how bad a relationship is going.

 

I'm also not quick to dump a man either. In fact, this is the first time I've had to do it. I can't begin to tell you how hard this is. After he constantly thanks me for going out with him, after he tells me how he used to hate valentines day but this year it was going to be different. How am I supposed to tell him I don't love him when he's so deeply and seriously in love with me? I don't want to do it. I dread it. I feel so cruel for doing this, and yet it has to be done. How can a one-sided relationship ever truly be love? It can't. That isn't love. I wish I could say that this breakup would be better for the both of us, but unfortunately I can't. To me, this breakup will be like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but its going to kill him. He's not the type of man that would do something drastic such as hurt me or himself, but I know he'll cry. I know he'll be depressed for a long time. I have to see this man every day, how am I supposed to face him after putting him through that kind of pain? And after his parents said how I'm such a nice girl, how am I to face them after their son comes home crying because of me? I would love to remain good friends with him, but how can I do that after I hurt him so badly? Please, I'm in desperate need of advice and support. I just don't think I can do this on my own.

[behind_these_eyes]

Well I know that news like that can never be easy to take, but it's easier if you provide reasons. Your reasons aren't hurtful, they're honest. You'd be hurting yourself and him more by leading him on and lying to yourself. Since you said you're really good friends and you get along well, just sit him down and explain it to him. If he asks you why you started going out with him, explain that you thought you might grow to like him more with time. Tell him you like him a lot but not that way, and that it doesn't mean you want him out of your life (unless for some reason you do). You don't have to be completely cut off. You seem to have a way with words based on your description of your problem, so you should just use that. Explain to him completely honestly how you feel, what you want, and that you'll still be there for him, just not in the same way. If he doesn't respect you for that, there's a flaw on his part; it should not be a burden on you. That's a really tough situation, so good luck!

[DN]

this is a sad situation. But you know what yyou have to do, reread your post, it's all there. You cannot stay in the relationship if your heart is not in it. Not fair to either of you in the long run.

 

You just have to do it as kindly and gently but firmly and definitely as you can.

 

The longer you wait the harder it will be.

 

Don't tell him you went with him because you felt sorry for him.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Being nice doesnt mean u dun make people cry, and make urself miserable instead. U can tell him or drop clues that u are attached, and get him off ur back slowly. Where matters of reputation is concerned, i suggest u take care of ur character better. Lest he accused u that u are playing him, that wouldnt be nice to deal with at the end of the day.

[circles]

its tough but the worst thing you could do is hide your feelings from him and stay with him out of fear for his feelings. i thinks its quite beautiful that you do care for him that much, but the longer you wait the worse it will be for him.

[DN]

There is no possible benefit to him in telling him that you only went with him because you felt sorry for him and hoped your feelings for him would grow.

 

That is honest. It is also hurtful. And unkind.

 

Being honest does not mean that you have to always tell the harsh, unvarnished truth. The word 'tact' was invented for a reason. You can tell the truth without telling the whole truth.

 

All he needs to be told is that your feelings for him have not developed to the extent needed for the relationship to move forward and that you want it to end. Tell him gently but firmly and in a way that leaves him no hope that you will change your mind.

[shun ten satsu]

After many hours of deep though, frustration, and tears, I have decided to break up with him. I know it's the cowards way out, but I wrote a letter to him containing my thoughts and had a good friend of mine deliver it to him. Here it is:

 

Tommy, I've always loved being your friend. When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I would have much rather just stayed your close friend, but I didn't want to hurt you by saying no. These past few months have been very nice, but I feel you love me 100 times more than I love you. I wish like anything I didn't have to do this, but the more I wait the more this is going to hurt the both of us. Please, try to understand, I still want to be your friend, I don't want to stop talking to you. You're a very kind special person, and that's why it feels so wrong pretending to love you. I feel so cruel doing this to you at all, let alone this close to valentines day, but like I said, the longer I wait the harder its going to be. And please understand, this is nothing that you did. I'm the one who did something wrong by telling you I loved you when I really didn't mean it. I'm so sorry. I hope you don't think I'm a bad person for doing this, though I wouldn't blame you if I did. You're such a nice person that I know you'll find someone that truly loves you one day. Just please, consider staying friends with me. Even though I don't love you in that way, I could never hate you.

 

Please, be honest. Did I handle this well?

[DN]

It comes from the heart and that is what counts. You have been as kind and considerate as you can and left the door open for friendship if he wants, without giving him false hope.

 

Perhaps it would have been better in person, but you can't alter that so don't worry about it.

 

Remember that whatever he does or feels now is not your fault. You made a mistake, perhaps, but you have tried to put it right as best you can and as kindly as you can.

 

Well done for having the courage to do it.