So how can we overcome shyness?

[al7]

There are two basic reasons behind shyness:

 

1. Insecurities which are connected with low-self-esteem

2. Fear of rejection.

 

Although it is good to know our enemy, it is WAY better to know how to deal with it.

Please post here your methods, experience etc that helps to overcome shyness.

[SkyFire]

link removed

[bull]

if u believe that u are worth peoples attention, then u are. if u have a low- self esteem, then try changing how u feel about urself. plus, dont be afraid of rejection. if they reject u, they are not worth ur time.

[al7]

if u have a low- self esteem, then try changing how u feel about urself.

 

Thats what I'd like to figure out: I have low-self esteem, how can I change it _practicaly_?

[Caldus]

The only method that has worked for me is to make yourself meet someone or make yourself try something new. I say to myself "why are you not meeting so and so?" Or "why are not doing so and so? Do it or else you will be feeling bad for the rest of the day because you lacked the confidence to do so." I know very well I would feel bad for not trying so I start to get the butterflies because I know I have to do it. Finally I just do it.

 

Here's another way that I think would work good. Find a friend who is also shy. Tell each other that you're going to meet someone when given the opportunity or at least just talk to people more that day. At the end of each day, tell each other what you have done. If you have nothing to tell your friend, then you will look bad and he can make fun of you for the rest of the day while he tells his success stories to you. So this gives you a huge incentive to actually go out and work on your shyness because otherwise your friend can rip on you about it. I was doing this with someone a while back when I used to be extremely shy. I'm still somewhat shy though.

 

I've gotten to the point where I can just go up to anyone and say hi followed by a very brief conversation. Problem with me is getting farther than the small talk with someone. I've been able to hit it off with a few people in the past but the friendship isn't that strong. Almost like a very good acquaintance so to speak. Joining clubs helps a lot too because you're forced to meet dozens of people. I joined the tennis club this semester so far and have met tons of guys and girls that are on the team. Now my job is to get past the small talk stage with everyone and develop friendships. That's my next goal for overcoming shyness altogether.

 

In the end, there is more than one way to skin a cat. These are my methods of doing so. The "just do it and grow some balls" method. No one is going to meet you so you might as well go meet them. And no procrastinating. You can procrastinate with homework if you want but if you want to overcome shyness you gotta start now.

[annie24]

The best way to overcome shyness is ......

 

PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS !!!

 

I did it. It worked. It's scary the first time, but gets easier everytime afterwards. You will become a good speaker, which is a good skill no matter what your career is. You will also gain confidence, or at least, learn how to fake it. (Trust me, people can't tell the difference.)

[al7]

The only method that has worked for me is to make yourself meet someone or make yourself try something new. I say to myself "why are you not meeting so and so?"

 

I agree and feel the same: the main idea is to make yourself try to approach girls. Though now comes a question how to make myself

approach? I am f* scrared. And no amount of good words like "toughen up man" would not help here. The fear is not in the conscious brain...

So, how to make myself approach girls?

 

 

 

Here's another way that I think would work good. Find a friend who is also shy. Tell each other that you're going to meet someone when given the opportunity or at least just talk to people more that day. At the end of each day, tell each other what you have done. If you have nothing to tell your friend, then you will look bad and he can make fun of you for the rest of the day

 

Interesting, may work if your frined would commit to such long training.

Something tells me ppl are in general lazy and wont keep that for a long time. I suggest just ask your friend to force you to approach...

 

I've gotten to the point where I can just go up to anyone and say hi followed by a very brief conversation. Problem with me is getting farther than the small talk with someone.

 

Oh man, thats easy. Look, from my personal experience only 1 out of 10

people (girls) you meet would be really interesting for you and maybe you for her). How can you use thsi piece of info? Simple.

 

Take a slip of paper and mark a fat square each time you approach a new girl. After you got ten squares you'll feel the difference since you'll definitely find somebody interesting.

[Beec]

It's not going to happen over night. If you want to overcome shyness, you need to do it bit by bit. Learn how and when to apporach people so they are more inclined to talk. Learn conversational skills so they are more inclined to want to talk to you again.

 

Something simple to start with like forcing yourself to say hello with a smile to someone you will never see again. And seeing that most enjoy it and return a greeting. And noticing the differences in body language for those who don't seem to appreciate it.

 

Social interaction requires a few sets of skills. The first one I would work on is imporving my social conversational skills, with the people I speak with each day. Then I would a study some body language and learn some mingling skills (how to enter a conversation, how to end one, etc.). Then to wherever else you want to go.

[al7]

The best way to overcome shyness is ......

 

PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS !!!

 

I did it. It worked. It's scary the first time, but gets easier everytime afterwards.

 

Ha! You are... right. I am sure such classes are wonderful tools!!!... in overcoming some specific types of shyness as public speaking.

 

I personally successfully overcame problems with public speaking by being forced to speak in public lots of times. Now I can talk.. thats kinda easy now.

But, I absolutely cannot approch girls. I can talk with them once I somehow get to know them. But to just approach and say "Hi! Blah-Blah - Blah..." is beyond my ability. I can easily blah blah once I know her...

 

So ..where Can I find a public approaching class? )

[bull]

Thats what I'd like to figure out: I have low-self esteem, how can I change it _practicaly_?

 

it depends on y u have a low self-esteem. like me for example: i used to have a low self-esteem because i was intimidated by people but a couple yrs ago i started taking martial arts. this boosted my self-esteem a lot(especially when a kid picked a fight with me and i beat him). im not saying that u should beat people up, but the martial arts made me realize that i had no reason to be intimidated by all these people. even if they didnt like me, its not like they could do anything about it. i know this doesnt sound like it would help you approach girls, but it helped me.

[annie24]

The best way to overcome shyness is ......

 

PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS !!!

 

I did it. It worked. It's scary the first time, but gets easier everytime afterwards.

 

Ha! You are... right. I am sure such classes are wonderful tools!!!... in overcoming some specific types of shyness as public speaking.

 

I personally successfully overcame problems with public speaking by being forced to speak in public lots of times. Now I can talk.. thats kinda easy now.

But, I absolutely cannot approch girls. I can talk with them once I somehow get to know them. But to just approach and say "Hi! Blah-Blah - Blah..." is beyond my ability. I can easily blah blah once I know her...

 

So ..where Can I find a public approaching class? )

 

No no no! You don't get it -- public speaking class will help you overcome shyness in ALL parts of your life!

 

When you get good at giving speeches, you learn how to "read" your audience. You can tell if you are boring them, or they are interested, or if they are confused. Likewise, you can meet girls, and you can tell if you are boring them, if they are interested, or if you are confusing them.

 

Public speaking, according to polls in America, is the #1 fear! Above death and spiders! If you can overcome the #1 fear in America, you can ask a girl for her number.

 

Oh yeah, and I've also dated several guys I've met in public speaking classes, so that works too!

[Caldus]

Oddly enough, I am very good at public speaking. I can go up in front of a large group of people and just blabber about any subject for five minutes or whatever the alotted time is. I had a presentation the other week and it was cake. I just went up there and talked for five minutes and didn't read from the slides or anything. It's strange how I'm so confident when it comes to that.

 

I agree and feel the same: the main idea is to make yourself try to approach girls. Though now comes a question how to make myself

approach? I am f* scrared. And no amount of good words like "toughen up man" would not help here. The fear is not in the conscious brain...

So, how to make myself approach girls?

 

Well you know that feeling you get every time when you don't do it? Don't you feel like your confidence is shattered a bit? Why let it happen again? Don't you want to feel better about yourself? Well don't let it happen again. The first few times are the hardest but after that it will get easier. I promise.

 

Interesting, may work if your frined would commit to such long training.

Something tells me ppl are in general lazy and wont keep that for a long time. I suggest just ask your friend to force you to approach...

 

Well if you aren't motivated enough, then you won't overcome shyness. Simple as that. It takes devotion and time.

 

Oh man, thats easy. Look, from my personal experience only 1 out of 10

people (girls) you meet would be really interesting for you and maybe you for her). How can you use thsi piece of info? Simple.

 

Take a slip of paper and mark a fat square each time you approach a new girl. After you got ten squares you'll feel the difference since you'll definitely find somebody interesting.

 

You are exactly right. It's all in the numbers. Meeting one girl once in a while isn't going to cut it. The more you meet, the better. And it doesn't always have to be girls. Once in a while I meet other guys too. The more you meet, the more your confidence will grow. Eventually you will be very sastified with how your confidence has grown. I should let what you said sink in more.

[Beec]

But, I absolutely cannot approch girls. I can talk with them once I somehow get to know them. But to just approach and say "Hi! Blah-Blah - Blah..." is beyond my ability. I can easily blah blah once I know her...

 

So ..where Can I find a public approaching class? )

 

When I began to study body language and learned how to notice when women wanted me to approach them, WOW, what a difference. I was more confident in saying hello to a woman.

 

Learning how to say hi and just begin a conversation without making any overt moves of sexual interest helped too. I was not rushing at every woman who looked me over. And while we would talk, sometimes we would exchange more body language signals of interest, taking baby steps in telling each other that we were interested in each other, then VOILA, I am holding her hand and I never said much at all.

[Caldus]

I also want to add that there's no specific recipe for doing all of this. Follow your own recipe! Learn from each of your experiences and then add, edit, and delete from your recipe. It would be boring if there was a universal recipe for all of this anyway! Everyone would be doing the same thing and it would get real old after a while. Lean on your strengths (humor or good looks for example) while working on your insecurities. Also, don't let your looks prevent you from going up to someone. Ever. Do you really think someone is going to say "you're ugly" or reject you just because they don't like the way you look? I mean seriously, they are not right for you to begin with if they are basing their opinion of you on your looks. You can always work on what you can as far as your looks go while you're doing all of this. Frequent visits to the gym will help with your confidence as well. Don't be too obsessed with working on your physique though.

[al7]

Learn how and when to apporach people so they are more inclined to talk. Learn conversational skills so they are more inclined to want to talk to you again.

 

1. Something simple to start with like forcing yourself to say hello with a smile to someone you will never see again. And seeing that most enjoy it and return a greeting.

 

2. The first one I would work on is imporving my social conversational skills, with the people I speak with each day.

 

3. Then I would a study some body language and learn some mingling skills (how to enter a conversation, how to end one, etc.). Then to wherever else you want to go.

 

 

How n where can I learn approaching techniques? Any advice?

1. I obviously can say hello but it is so simple that it doesnt add up to my

skills or experience anymore..

2. I can talk with ppl no problem, my everyday folks r just so busy they dont care to socialize at all. I have no field of practice here.

3. Where would I find Mingling class? I'd definitely sign up for it.

[al7]

i used to have a low self-esteem because i was intimidated by people but a couple yrs ago i started taking martial arts. this boosted my self-esteem a lot ....i know this doesnt sound like it would help you approach girls, but it helped me.

 

You r right.. I dont see it helpfull in approaching girls. Girls wont bit me up But they can laugh at me.. grin at me.. make me blush and feel stupid. What sould I do... play a clown to get enough of blushing experience?

[Caldus]

1. I obviously can say hello but it is so simple that it doesnt add up to my

skills or experience anymore..

 

So? It's better than nothing. I find that most people usually just say hello to someone anyway. They don't do any fancy moves or anything like that. Everyone knows that it takes time to get to know you personally and get to know what's "special" or different about you.

 

2. I can talk with ppl no problem, my everyday folks r just so busy they dont care to socialize at all. I have no field of practice here.

 

Too busy with what? I mean really. Do they really not have any time at all to hang with you? I don't buy that from anyone. Ever. Sure, maybe they go to school and have a full time job. There will always be time at some point during the week where people can get together and do something. Otherwise, they're making excuses not to socialize with you.

 

3. Where would I find Mingling class? I'd definitely sign up for it.

 

Mingling? I've never heard of such a class....

 

Sorry I keep posting in your thread, but I think I would greatly benefit from all of the advice given here as well as other people who are still overcoming shyness.

[al7]

No no no! You don't get it -- public speaking class will help you overcome shyness in ALL parts of your life!

When you get good at giving speeches, you learn how to "read" your audience. You can tell if you are boring them, or they are interested, or if they are confused. Likewise, you can meet girls, and you can tell if you are boring them, if they are interested, or if you are confusing them.

Public speaking, according to polls in America, is the #1 fear! Above death and spiders! If you can overcome the #1 fear in America, you can ask a girl for her number.

Oh yeah, and I've also dated several guys I've met in public speaking classes, so that works too!

 

Hmmm.. I am definitely agree the PS classes are extremely helpfull.

But I am a lucky one who dont have much fear #1 in America. I can hold a convo, can read reactions of "audience" even if it is only one girl.

But. I cant get that "audience" since my fear keeps telling me thats extremely awful to appoach girls I dont know with possibility of being laughed, getting blushed etc etc.

You should believe me: I went to Toastmasters Club (basically - it is some kind of public speaking class) - I have no problem of speaking there.

I just did see enough good chicks there. So I quit.

But of course if anyone wants to get better public pseakign skills - I'd recommnd Toastmasters Club, Or any Public speaking class.

[Beec]

Not sure where to find a mingling class, but Jeanne Martinet wrote a decent book called the "Art of Mingling". Some of her ideas are real simple, some help you create a crutch to get you started. For instance, thinking in your mind that you are playing a character in a movie, while not telling anyone else about it. Try thinking that you are playing James Bond and get into the right mindset, and suddenly you are Mr. Soave. That worked well for me one night.

 

I'd also read one on body language, and since you are mostly interested in meeting women, I'd try "Body Language Secrets" by R. Don Steele. When you begin to have faith that her looks mean what you want them to mean, it's easier to be confident.

[al7]

I obviously can say hello but it is so simple that it doesnt add up to my

skills or experience anymore..

 

So? It's better than nothing.

 

 

I am sorry I dont see your point. If I dont get more experience by doing it why would I force myself into saying more Hellos?

I guess I need a good kick instead

 

 

I can talk with ppl no problem, my everyday folks r just so busy they dont care to socialize at all. I have no field of practice here.

 

Too busy with what? I mean really. Do they really not have any time at all to hang with you? I don't buy that from anyone. Ever. Sure, maybe they go to school and have a full time job. There will always be time at some point during the week where people can get together and do something. Otherwise, they're making excuses not to socialize with you.

 

 

I was talking about people at work.. I guess now you understand what I meant. They r just busy or pretend they r busy. Well work is work..

 

 

Where would I find Mingling class? I'd definitely sign up for it.

 

Mingling? I've never heard of such a class....

 

 

Hmm I was told "Study mingling" so is there a class? a club?

a group?

 

 

And.......Keep posting.. it is what makes life interesting

[Caldus]

The books will help but not enough. What helps the most is your experience. The more experience, the better.

[annie24]

I just did see enough good chicks there. So I quit.

 

I don't get it? There's girls there, so you decided to quit? No, go where the girls are!!! That's how you get a girl.

[al7]

Not sure where to find a mingling class, but Jeanne Martinet wrote a decent book called the "Art of Mingling".

I'd also read one on body language, and since you are mostly interested in meeting women, I'd try "Body Language Secrets" by R. Don Steele.

 

I did some research about the ""Art of Mingling" book on link removed.

Alas, most reader do not recommend it and they said why.

Besides I've read some other book on this topic as well as about body language. By the way, I have no big problems holding a convo. It is ok.

I cannot approach girls. Knees r shaking....

[annie24]

As far as mingling... remember, people love to talk about themselves. If you go to a party or some kind of social function where you don't really know anyone, say hi, and ask them questions? Where are you from, what do you do?

 

Everyone has an interesting life story - hear theirs!

 

And compliment people. Everyone has something nice about them. Cool hair, nice tie, cool sneakers, whatever. People love to be flattered.

 

If you meet a girl, say hi. Tell her you were admiring her sweater or her hairclip (something non-sexual). Then you can say something like, "I was thinking of getting my sister a sweater like that for her birthday - where did you get hers?" and then you can enter a convo with her.

 

I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I feel a guy I don't know is hitting on me. I remember one time I was in vegas, sitting by myself while my friend was getting drinks. This guy sat down next to me and started talking to me. I started inching away. He then said to me, "relax! I didn't come here to hit on you - I'm waiting for my brother - he's in the bathroom." I was like, "oh" and I right away relaxed and I started chatting with him. We had such a fun time talking, all of us wound up spending the entire weekend together going to clubs together. And yes, there was some romance too!

[Beec]

The books will help but not enough. What helps the most is your experience. The more experience, the better.

 

Absolutely, but it helps you read a how to, go try a few things, read some more, try more, etc.

 

After I read body language stuff, I was amazed when I began to watch it what I saw about what people were thinking and how well it matched their behavior.