Is this normal?..I dont even know if im in the right place

[brilyn027]

I'm a single mother of a 5 year old(with disabilities) and a 1 year old. Father is not involved.But everything seemed fine when I moved and got my own place, went to work, came home with the kids and we went to bed. Everything seemed fine. Not sure if my ex I waited a year for(and left as quick as the first time) plays a role in how I feel. I got laid off from work and unable to find employment. I rent an apartment so I'm pretty worried if I'm going to be able to make next months rent or utility or even be able to put food on the table for my kids. I literally have no one to talk to. My parents dont even support me. My 5 year old has serious behavior issues and constantly whines about everything. Being stuck with that 24/7 is overwhelming more than enough. Im extremely exhausted..physically, mentally, and emotionally. I try so hard to keep the apartment cleaned but not an hour later its destroyed again and alot of the time I cant bring myself to get up and clean it back up. I feel like I dont want to do anything but its not that I don't want to. I feel like I do but feel like I just can't. I haven't been able to cry and I dont even feel sad anymore. I cant feel any emotion really. I just feel like a lifeless blob just existing. Im completely empty on the inside. I don't know why. I cant play with my kids. All I want to do is just sit and take a breather. Anything I do feels like a chore. I thought about what its like in the life after this. Never did anything stupid but I've been thinking alot about the "after life". Im not sure if this is normal? Lately I even feel like I'm not in my own body. Like something else is just controlling it. Somethings just making me move. But doesn't feel like me if that makes any sense. I dont want to be around anyone. If someone knocks at the door, I dont answer it. Its weird. And with everything running through my head, it makes it hurt and it doesn't stop. Im afraid if this goes on much longer, its going to get worse. I dont know how worse it can get though. Someone please help. I feel like I've been sucked into a black hole and can't find my way out

[hermione]

It is unfortunately normal, but that doesn't mean it is good. I suggest you look up depression, anxiety, and depersonalization and see if that gives some explanation to the way you have been feeling. In your situation, it isn't surprising that you may have developed one or more of these problems! Even if you do not end up diagnosed with any of these, seek psychiatric help IMMEDIATELY. I'm sure somewhere within you you know that the clock is ticking and you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of yourself and your kids.

 

Counseling is important, talk therapy is essential, but I would strongly encourage you to discuss the use of an anti-depressant with your doctor. I'm not trying to be a pill-pusher, but your situation is dire (even if feeling emotionally numb prevents you from truly realizing it) and oftentimes a short course of antidepressants (3-9 months) will help your brain "Reset" to happiness, productivity, and organization a lot faster than counseling can

 

First thing in the morning, you NEED to call either your primary doctor or any therapist/psychiatrist who will take your insurance. I promise you that you can and will feel better but you need to take this first step for the health and happiness of you and your children!

[RainyCoast]

yup!!! i hated the idea of medication until i hit rock bottom and i would've agreed to a shaman smearing me with guano if that was what it took to feel somewhat more human.

 

there are meds that have a quick onset of antidepressant effects (such as sertraline) and flush out of your system in a matter of hours, if this is a concern to you. There are also meds you don't have to take regularly but only when you feel really overwhelmed by your symptoms. There's sulpiride for example, that's an antipsychotic in larger doses, but in the smallest dose it's effects are that of an antidepressant, just with an almost immediate onset (15 minutes or something like that). There's a tiny Xanax for when you just can't...can't...can't anything anymore. My point being discussing medication with your doctor could lead to options that don't feel too drastic and that you'd probably be more willing to try (and less obliged to continue if you don't like them) for that reason.

 

I agree with the Reset function. Clearly, a pill will not take care of the practical part of your problem or do some psychological digging for you. But it can help a ton to just get you to feel more up to the task, functional and collected so that the overwhelming sensations don't keep setting you back in recovery.

 

Definitey seek some form of counseling. There may be free options for single mothers or something parents of disabled children support related. Depending on where you live and your child's disability, you may be qualified to get a visiting nurse to help occasionally. Look up volunteers in your area and consult social services on resources.

[Birdchirp]

Is there someone who could watch the kids, even for 30 minutes? You sound like you need some "me time". An uninterrupted bath, a quick walk outdoors, whatever works for you. The suggestions for medications and counseling I certainly agree with, but both those things take time to arrange.

[diamelyn]

So sorry for your troubles. Life gets frustrating and overwhelming at times. I'm am a nurse, but I am basing this on my own personal experience, and you should go to a professional in your area for medical advice/assistance. I have suffered with depression since I was 16. I'm now 42. The type of depression I have sounds a lot like what you are experiencing. I have received very good treatment (therapy, medications, nutrition and lifestyle changes) for many years, and most years I am happy, functional, and the depression does not take over my life.

 

However, times when I'm in the depths of my depression, it feels as if I'm at the bottom of a deep hole and I can't even see the light to get out. The most simple daily tasks every day seem like giant hurdles that I just don't have the energy to try to tackle. The frustration and guilt of not being able to do normal tasks add to both feeling hopeless and to real physical pain that I feel including migraine-like tension headaches. When the depression is bad, I have body-wide pain; I have all the tender spots of somebody with fibromyalgia. I avoid interactions with people. It seems as if any interaction is a threat to draining all the energy I have left. At the very lowest points I feel like I cannot accomplish anything that I desire to do. Not only can I not work on the project I want to finish, I don't have the motivation to walk accross the room to get a glass of water when I'm thirsty. I don't enjoy activities/hobbies to the point that it seem pointless to do them, and I start to wonder what the point is of going on. So, I can relate. It's not the most normal kind of depression but it needs urgent treatment, just the same.

 

Generally, I don't think of suicide, it's not the predominate feeling I get when I'm in the throes of my depression. But as I just mentioned, in those dark moments it seems as if not going on might be the easier option. I'm here to tell you it's not. You are an amazing, strong, survivor Woman.

 

While they're not my own children, I also take care of two special needs adults in my home 24/7. It's currently my job, family, and lifestyle. It's extremely draining, at least I get paid for what I do. As a sidenote, you may want to look into being a host home (or professional parent) like I am if it's available in your area. You could get paid for taking care of a special-needs person, fostering them in your own home.

 

When is the last time somebody told you how valuable you are and strong to take care of a special needs child on your own? It is hard enough to be a single mom, but to also be a parent of a special needs child; you are extremely resilient and tough. I admit the behaviors are the hardest to deal with sometimes, especially when you're already spent. But so far you've got up every day you're taking care of your kids, you're handling them. This takes so much courage. You're not perfect, but no one is, and that's OK. You have reached out on this forum because you want things to change. You're asking for help. And everybody needs help, especially when you're tackling as much as you do every single day.

 

So, now, take the next step. Push through the dark cloud one day and find a friend that can help you. You've already pushed through the cloud yesterday to ask for help here on this forum. You can do it. You are so strong already. But even the strong need help. Reach out to a community or church group that you're familiar with. Sometimes, using 411 on your phone is the easiest way to get some information on community resources.

 

If there's anyone you can rely on, a friend, a neighbor, let them know your struggle, and let them help you get some additional help. I highly recommend therapy and seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor that can prescribe some medication. Get in a support group that's dealing with similar things, even if all you can manage is online for now. Do what you can to get out and interact with people, even if it's just going to the grocery store Every little step you take is a step on the road to wellness.

 

Lastly, take care of yourself. You are so valuable. You may not think that now but it is so true. Use those friends or community resources to make sure that you have some time to yourself doing enriching activities. Hopefully can have somebody hope you watch your kids so you can go to a movie on your own or with friends. Heck, reading a book you like or taking a bubble bath at night when they're sleeping might be a step in the right direction. Find something small that you enjoy and do it in those hard-to-find quiet moments. Tell yourself five things you like about yourself each day. Say it out loud or write it down. I know I've given you a lot of information and it will probably seem overwhelming. Just focus on one thing I've talked about, and take that step. You're an amazing person and you're worth it!