Help never had a bf!

[hazlenutchocolate]

I am 21 and never had a bf. The problem is I have no idea how to talk to guys, it is sad I know. I went to an all girls school and my uni course is one with all girls and gay guys. Ive had guy acquaintances but never had a guy friend. help dont know what to do?!

[No-Fear]

You should just be yourself, When you go out do guys normally come up to you and compliment you??? If they do and you like them, you should keep a conversation going. i dont know how to be a girl so thats the best i can do

[PrincessLinzay]

Ok....hold on......now breathe....

 

That's step one.

 

I know having no experience with the opposite sex can be daunting. I was fortunate enough to be raised around 2 brothers and all their friends, so talking to guys is natural for me.

 

Believe it or not, talking to men is not so much different than conversing with any other female friend. We just talk about slightly different things. We're all human, and men have a lot of the same insecurites that we do. Talk to them like you talk to anyone else.

 

First step is to put yourself out there. Go places where guys hang out. Do NOT travel in a pack of all girls.

 

Are you shy? If not, you can go somewhere alone and people watch, chances are, you'll fall into conversation with someone. (practice at bars, just sit at the bar and converse with people to the left and right of you. This is the most important thing. You have to be somewhere that men are, get used to being in their company, the rest is easy.

[peanut15]

Hey I went to an all girls high school as well. When I went to a co-ed college, I was in absolute shock. There were men all over the place!!!! After 4 years of just communicating with women and of course the men from the nearby all boys schools, it was strange adjusting to them in the classroom. Anyway, I had no idea how to converse with them and if I tried they saw me as intimidating as going to an all girls school, I gained a lot of confidence arguing my point in class w/o the men around. Anyway, I would worry about it because one thing a guy does not like because personally I have seen it, they don't like a girl who is deperate to find someone. I suggest be yourself and patient. You've got other semesters on the way and I'm sure that they are not full of gay men. Have you also thought about joining a club or something?

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Hazelnutchochocolate,

 

This is no time table on love, and different people find someone they love at different times. There are many people who are 21 (or older) who have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Some haven't even dated.

 

There are lots of guys in your everyday life who you could have a wonderful and lasting and intimate relationship with. How do you know the guys in your class are gay? Have they identified themselves as gay? It is wrong to assume someone is gay if they don't identify themself as gay. Its also bad for you, because one of those guys may actually really like you.

 

Here are some tips:

1. Smile!!!!! Smile and make eye contact with every guy you have some interest in. If you have to, practice smiling at items in your home until you are confident enough to smile at guys.

2. Just go up to guys you see regularly and ask them how they are...and look right at them and smile and be emphathic as they answer.

3. As other kind posters have recommended, try to go out by yourself and not with other girls.

4. Talk to guys about school, family, friends, what career they want, ect.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!

[LifePak]

I'm trying to read between the line. I think it's more than just "don't know how to start a conversation". Give us some detail as to some encounters you've been in, then we can answer you more precisely & optimally. Also, how is your relationship between your female friends. And tell me the number of female friends you usually hang with. Small groups or large groups. Which do you prefer.

[hazlenutchocolate]

thanks everyone for your replies. Yes I am quite naturally shy, but i am better thanI used to be. I usually hang around in small groups of girls. I guess I do have trouble starting conversations with guys, I just dont know what to say.

[LifePak]

Sure.

i think you're the very understanding and sensitive type of person. You sounded very proactive and open (inwardly). You want to know the way to communicate with guys, so you want ideas and to actually DO SO.

 

Whether your thoughts and what you express outward to the world are in harmony or not, i do not know. For example, if you want to know a guy in a class. Would u be thinking, how can i get him to pay attention to me. Or would you be afraid and looked "shut down". Or would you look careless. Depending on your answer, my suggestion would vary. Don't copy my option, make up your own. (this point, is not about you starting a convo, it's about attracting THEM into your life)

 

But it's interesting you ask that question. I believe you're the type who are able to adapt to people's conversation. I don't want to make this sound very complicated (so don't try to memorize this), but i think interest level, intent, personality, teachings, experiences, and many other factors would influence whether the guy wants to talk or not.

 

I'll give you an example: a guy who is popular among people, who basically meet 3-4 new people / day, would reply very very differently than another guy who faces the computer 24/7. The first person may be very open to a convo, practical, as well as less loyal. The latter, if you actually get to know him, he will be loyal, less down to earth, more closed, and most likely introverted. So there are 2 vivid examples of people. Coming back to your question, how do you talk to guys. It varies.

 

Since you don't have much experience talking with guys, you may not know which type of person you like to hang around with. I would suggest you make more guy friends and see, don't come from a "want a boyfriend" Point of view. Come from a "I want to see different types of guy" type of approach. Trust me, it's the best thing for you to do before deciding. Going back to your question, how do you talk.

 

From the factors I've listed, different combos will have different outcome. In other words, all guys are different. It's VERY confusing to adapt with them, espcailly when you don't have an overview as to how they are in general. So what you should do, is to identify what style of communication you speak in. Have a standpoint, have a standard of beliefs (perferably ones that doesn't beat yourself up). Are you the more feeling type, advice type, philosophy type, logical type... etc etc... And just be you in a conversation. Then you've created yourself a key. Now the thing you should do is to find the right lock, in other words, actively search for them. It's funny cause i'm the type who likes to look for very different locks so that i can improve myself even more. When you practiced talking to each individual enough, you'll get the hang of slowly adjusting your style to fit them individually. From experience though, don't look for impractical people, they're difficult to get along with. Don't look for people who doesn't know what they want either, cause you're wasting your time while they draw your energy away.

 

For the last part, technique. I don't really like giving advice on technique.

Technique will hinder you from developing your own self. Try to train yourself to do this though. Next time you go out, try to see opportunities around you where you "could have" started a conversation. Not only to guys, but to girls as well. Then you'll see even more, and even more, and even more as time passes. That's when you've "captured the flow" of a conversation. Whatever you come up with, will be your own opening.

 

 

Add in to this: since I presume you're the understanding type, you're very special. You'll begin to know how others think gradually. And so become an even better conversationalist. I think most people are not good conversationalist, yes that include ones who talks a lot. I think they're really bad ones by the way. To become a master of it, one of the most important factor is to understand others. I realized though, that people who understand others usually didn't have an encouraging childhood to celebrate that factor.

 

Some pitfalls you should watch out.

 

don't be too tangled up on the word confidence. Knowing that you need it doesn't help you jump into a conversation. You'll begin to develop confidence as you jump into more conversation with guys.

 

Being too much of a perfectionist also doesn't help you begin a conversation.

 

some tips

 

Hang around some people who are good with people and just watch them.

 

Nobody likes perfect people, forgive yourself if you make mistakes

 

Sorry to make you read this long message. I actually wanted to put more, but just can't think of any at the moment. I also want to consolidate some of what i know, so this post is a good chance for me to do so in writing.

[bettyboop401]

Great post WhiteOkirion!

 

I've never had a stable boyf and I'm 21. And i went to an all girls school, and a university where there were mostly girls in my work groups. However, when I started my job...mixing with guys is a must. It's team work and we all have to communicate. I've learnt they're just like us. Except likely to get bored when talking about girly stuff. I find if you have a witty personality, joking with them is great. If you're shy...listening to them is also great. Just go with instincts. Try not to think anything will come out of just one conversation. Go in with no expectations.

 

Like everyone's said...just put yourself in a situation where you have to talk to guys. They're not scary...and they don't bite...well hopefully!

 

Betty!

[Kaia]

Or you can go to a computer lab alone, see if there's any cute guys there and pick one to ask for instruction on how to use a unix terminal. It's a male dominant place there and guys love helping helpless girls unless they're in a tight deadline (in which case you can certainly tell from their look and smell).

[al7]

Like everyone's said...just put yourself in a situation where you have to talk to guys. They're not scary...and they don't bite...well hopefully!

Betty!

 

I am curious.. arent guys supposed to walk up to a girl and start a conversation?