I lost something i never really had.....

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Hi all, this might be quite long and skethcy but my brains a haze atm and id prob wake up tomorrow wishing i never done what i did...but i think its for the best. and im going to be as honest as i can be...

 

Here we go;

 

I met a girl on the internet through a forum like this one but instead was about something else (fish to be exact) and we started to get talking on msn. When talking to her i relised i was getting strong feelings for her, and i came to the point i knew i really liked her but she was in a relationship.

So then came to the day that we met up, its the weirest feeeling but as soon as i saw her walk down the hallway towards me, i knew...that these feelings was real, all through the meet and when she was going home i relised i no longer liked her...but in fact in love As you can imagine how heart breaking it is to find someone you love yet its impossible to be with, at first i thought she didnt think of me no more than a friend...then she said she had feelings for me to, not as much...but i didnt really expect her to have any feelings at all...im not a good looking guy and i have very little self esteem so in a way i was shocked by this, yet i was more upset about the current situation.

 

A couple of days went by and she told me she broke up with her boyfriend, for several reasons (to much to go into) and, i know wasnt the best time for me to tell her, and although i tried supporting her as much as i could i told her how i felt. I told her, that im not the best person to be giving advice (i was being honest with myself and for her) because i know id only be giving advice to make things worse between her and her b/f to make things better for myself....so at this point she said to me she was thinking of breaking up for good and entering a LDR with me.

Then the thing i never wanted to hear came...she made up with her boyfriend, but...at this point although i felt sick i knew it was for the best. and I told her that i don't want to get in the way of anything happening, as im happy that things are going good for her, and her boyfriend..and if i stay around something might go wrong and not only will i be unhappy/happy, so will she and her boyfriend (i know there would be a time of seperation, and i hate seeing her sad). So i told her its best for me not to stay around, and that im going to try and have less contact to try and forget how i feel about her, and try and sort my life out, otherwise id just be upsetting myself about soemthing i couldnt have.

but...as soon as i was about to go she told me that she cant think straight at the moment and there is a possiblilty of us in the near future...but she cant be sure because she cant think properly. So as you can imagine...at this point in time i was confuzed and baffled, yet i went with what i wanted to hear and i kept friends for a couple of days although my brain was exploding with questions that needed answering..

I needed to know if something was there....this was effecting my work, ive slipped dramatically in my work and have been in big trouble over it. I needed to know if she felt the same way as i did, i needed to know if there was defiantly a future, as i would of been hanging around with my life on hold for months apon months and then only hearing the bad news again of nothing is going to happen between us. and i know at that point i would have cracked...im a mess here and ive only been in the situation for almost 2 weeks and look how badly its effecting me...i know i would have gotten into a state of heavy depression if i stayed on..stayed on longer waiting for something that didnt exist that she could have told me in the first place.

 

So i asked her...straight out, will anything happen between us beyond friendship in the near future, and instead of excuses or reasons...i just wanted a yes or a no, i wanted to put the ball in her court. and i got the final answer, of no....

 

I understand completely the reasons, and im happy that ive got an answer...i can finanly put all the things ive been thinking together... and carry on with my life, well im going to try, i wasnt very stable before (suffering from depression/suicidle) and now, i dont know how things are going to be.. but atleast i can see a clear future instead of wishing something that doesnt exist.

 

So now, im going to try and keep no contact...or maybe lose all contact all together, and im afraid ive done the wrong thing in doing this.. i want to make her happy, and if the only way i can do that is let her be happy in her life with her boyfriend, i will do. Id happily sacrifice my happyniss for hers..

I just feel so sick now, i let my guard down...i let myself beleave in something that wasnt there or never did exist.. i imagined great things, i got carried away i guess...i thought things could happen, and i listend to myself..whcih i know im not going to do in the future.. im just scared i can never love again, ive lost trust in myself and so i cant trust other people.

 

 

 

 

If your reading this Cole...i want you to know, that i dont want you to ever feel bad..none of this was ever your fault. Im sorry that i came into your life and i messed things up, im sorry for all the things ive said. and im sorry for falling love with you. If anything happens to me i want you to know that its not your fault, and i want you to know that im not avoiding you because im sulking or that im jealous...im doing it for me and you. Im doing it for you to get yourself sorted out and not to think about me, i want you to be happy and only someone special can do that, your boyfriend. Im doing it for me so i can try and hopefully forget, forget the pain that ive caused myself and to try and find a future for myself...i beleaved you was my future, yet..yet i was thinking blindly.. im sorry Cole, i really am...I guess i was right, i was expecting to much from life, from people and from you... im sorry, and i hope you can get on fien and forget about me. Im sorry (please dont come down to visit me, itll make things worse)

 

Love Lee

[cooldude1234]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry to hear all this. It sucks, I know. She has a boyfriend and you can't really help that. Sometimes the perfect girl comes along, but you just can't have her. That's life.

 

You seem to be on the right path. No contact is completely appropriate in this situation. Continuing to be friends weith her will help nothing. Things will only get worse. At first it will suck, and you might be sad, but eventually you will find yourself thinking of her less and less. eventually you'll be totally over her. Waiting is NOT an option. If she does eventually break up with him, she might have learned more about what she wants or maybe she wouldn't want a relationship at all. It's impossible to tell.

 

If you are really serious about getting over her, you need to distance yourself. The less you talk to her, the faster it will happen.

 

Take care

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Thank you cooldude, i just wanted to know if what i chose to do was the right thing, it doesnt feel like it because i still feel the way i do. But, itll be better for both of us in the future..everything happens for a reason.

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urgh, u sure im not doing the wrong thing?

right now i just want to pick up the phone and tlak to her...arggghhhh im so stupid

 

pleeeeeeeease what should i do?

[helpneeded]

sigh.........if she wants to be with u, she will find a way.

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its not like u has reasons for not being able 2 split up with her bf, and as u mentioned she did.......at this point she could have tried giving herself the time and space she needed to finish that part of her life and perhaps consider things with u.......but she didn't, she chose to go back 2 her bf.

y so?! cos she feels he's more appropriate?! she loves him?! she prefers him to u?! well.......only she knows. and u can guess.

 

i'm currently trying 2 move on, i know its not easy. but in ur case, she's made up her mind, there's no justifiable reason for her not 2 leave her bf and b with u if thats wot she really wants.

[cooldude1234]

Don't call her, man... that will make it worse. The first week or so is probably the worst. After the initial 'missing them' stage, you'll gradually loose feelings. But you have to restrain yourself, or it will perpetuate. It sucks, I know how it is.

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yeah i guess your all right..

 

I know if i end up going back there, things are just gonna go wrong for (not like they are getting any better!)

 

and like you said

sigh.........if she wants to be with u, she will find a way.

 

thanks for the quick replies

[AllAlone]

As someone else said, If she wants to be with you she'll find a way.

I'm taking a guess that it's about Hazel_Eyes? Well just guessing because your two posts sound like the reverse of each others. If i'm wrong, then my mistake

But if it is then maybe she's just sorting things out, but for the time being it's best to just keep doing what you think is right.

It's a real bummer when you find the one that's right, and even if for the time being it's not possible, it just feels like it'll never happen and well know one knows what will happen, possibly only she knows what she's going to do in the next month, 2 months, half a year, year. So the best thing you can do is just trust your instincts on what to do right now. If you feel that the steps your taking will help then keep at it.

Who know's maybe later on she may realise what she's done or how stupid she has been ... (yeah i'm saying that because of her post i read) and maybe try and make things right. But then aagin you can't be certain your feelings will still be there. Well, i hope she figures out what she wants for your sake and hers from what i read.

 

Anyway, i hope i may have helped. And i hope things turn out ok.