Need Advice~~~ At wit's end~

[cheer4bama]

Hi Guys,

I have been reading this forum and see all the views that each request for help has gotten but nobody is posting any advice. Why???

I'm hoping someone can give me some......as I would appreciate it.

 

I met a guy a year and a half ago. He moved in with me after a few months and at that time I was building a new home. He helped tremendously with the moving and handling the problems I had with builders, and such. He was a Godsend. He is an attractive guy but our personalities really didn't mesh. He is very introverted and I'm very outgoing.

Anyway, we moved in and at that time he had JUST gotten laid off from his 60K job over an hour away. I told him that because I lived in a bigger city, the opportunity to get a new job may be better. He moved in with me and all went well, but his struggling with job prospects was getting stressful for the both of us. I can handle all the bills alone but it was tight. He is very good at keeping my utilites down and always finding ways to save money by clipping coupons, finding sales, etc, but he still didnt have a job. He would put groceries on his credit card and pay them with his unemployment but I still felt as if I was giving too much and not getting enough in return. Before we moved in together ( when he was working ) he surprised me with roses on Valentines, and nice gifts for holidays and my birthday, but he's been out of work for a year and I know he cant afford it anymore. He did ALOT around the house, as far as lawn maintenance, keeping up with house cleaning, etc which helped me out alot while I was at work but I paid for everything "financial". I loved him and we got along great. He has been looking for a job for so long and he's gone on interviews but he is in a niched business and it was just difficult for him to find something in his field. He took some part time work on and started to help again with buying groceries etc, but I bought him a new wardrobe so that he could go on interviews etc....and now all of his clothes are what I bought him. I filed bankruptcy 5 years ago and I only have one credit card. ( I filed because I maxed out all my platiunum cards to lend my friend money only to find out he skipped town & I've known him for 11 years and that is why I trusted him ) Anyway, my boyfriend has perfect credit and he let's me use his credit card to pay for my hotel expenses when I work out of town. I get re-imbursed every 2 weeks and just give him the money. He has helped with that and I couldnt work without his help, so this has been wonderful for me. Anyway, to sum up this problem:

He just got offered a job in Miami Florida ( his old employer called him back ) He went down there to check it out and see if it's still the same company,etc. He then called and said he was accepting the position. I was devestated but he really DID try to get a job around here and nothing panned out. They also offered him 20K more then when he left them. He had to take it. He came home last Weds. and told me he found a roommate because to live in a one bedroom in Miami in a decent area would be over 800/mo. I DID find his ad on a few roommate sites so I knew he wasnt planning this for awile. The "roommate" is a 34 year old woman with a 7 year old. She lives in a really nice 4 bedroom home in a very nice town outside of Miami. He went to see it and really liked it. He told me her first name and so I went on the roommate site and saw her. She is a FITNESS trainer and gorgeous!!!! I asked him if that was her and he said yes, but she was a roommate and nothing else.....

Anyway, he left yesterday but I'll see him in a few weeks at my sister's wedding, but cant help thinking....did he WANT to move out because he felt we were going nowhere? Do you think that he'll try to make the moves on this woman? Can I trust him? I paid for his trip to the wedding ....so could that be the only reason he is going????

HELP!

[Danny1607306435]

Yipes! Consider that you may be too preoccupied with the materialistic aspect of your relationship, but besides that your man needs the self-esteem of being employed and as a consequence must move too far away for you to continue together. And yes there's a very good chance he will drift from you to someone else.

[saffron1607306435]

This is all pretty terrible for you.

 

Realistically, I think you'd be better off to forget about it all and start afresh. The roomate will possibly become something more and can you really cope with the worry? I know I couldn't.

 

T.

[KuteKate_99]

I feel the bottom line is...

 

I am sorry if this seems too harsh. He probably liked the sex with you, gave it a whirl, gave up on a job, had more sex with you, he tried to see if you had low self asteem and if you would die without him, he ran out of money and could not get away with leaching off of you anymore, had more sex, dumped you and moved back to Florida to get a job again, make more money, find another vulnerable woman and start his vicious cycle all over again. Forget him!!!!!! He is useless!!!! Get an Aids test and move on with your life.

 

P.S. If he calls you to say Hi, tell him...."Listen, thanks for the ride, but I gotta move on with my life"! And hang up.

[ratherbesailing]

Hi Cheer -

 

Isn't the thought of losing someone terrible? It is really scarry. Sometimes it also causes us to lose perspective and to try to cling to something that maybe we weren't so sure we wanted to begin with.

 

Your post seems to have some negatives about the relationship as well as some positive things. If you try to let go of the fear of loss is there a part of you that feels relieved that he's gone? You said your personalities really didn't mesh.

 

I know it is scarry but maybe this will be a good test to see how strong the relationship really is. It sounds like you two moved in together pretty quickly so this little distance might be a good thing for a while.

 

I'm a guy to and we do find other women attractive and living with a single woman with a child will at least be distracting for him. Especially since they aren't in separate units and will evidently be sharing the kitchen and other areas of the house. I can see why he'd like the arrangement and I can see how he'd find it quite innocent but I think if it was me, I'd have put a little more thought into how my girlfriend would feel about the situation. I don't think it would be out of line to ask him how he'd feel if you had a 34 year old good looking single guy move in with you. I don't know what he has for a lease but I'd let him know the arrangement is uncomfortable for you and that you'd like him to consider that and keep his eyes open for something a little less threatening to you.

 

When he gets home for the wedding you are going to have to ask the difficult questions and you may or may not like the answers (wait till after the wedding). You have to come straight out and ask him how he feels about your relationship and whether he feels strongly enough about it to continue the long distance thing and if he'd like you to start looking for jobs in Miami or if he feels that you two should take a break. A few weeks should be long enough for him to give you an honest answer and I think it is better to wait and ask him in person so you can get a sense of how he feels.

 

Unlike Kute Kate, I think it sounds like your boyfriend was sincerely trying to find work when he lived with you and he was actively trying to make himself useful. He isn't running away, he had to move. He sounds like a nice guy but even a nice guy might need to be reminded that moving in with a young attractive single mom isn't too cool for your relationship. She could very well remain just a roomate and this could all work out just fine. Be brave, be strong, realize that you are a valuable commodity yourself and act like it when you deal with him and this situation. Don't act like you will be losing, act more like he'll be the one losing if he opts out of the relationship.

 

Good luck but I think you'll be the winner no matter which way this relationship goes.

[sarge17]

Cheer4bama

 

Step back and take a deep breath. Look at the overall picture. You know what the score is but you dont want to accept it. Why would you want to put yourself thru more emotional stress than you already have.

 

Move on, you deserve better. Think of what would have to happen for you to have a relationship with him. You would have to move to him or he would have to move back. A long distance relationship is NOT a relationship.

 

All you are going to do is lay awake at night and wonder what he is doing.

 

Please move on. Its hard, but in a couple of months you will start feeling like a new person. You won't regret it.

[saltwatergirl]

I agree. The LD thing is tough enough, add hottie roomate to the mix, and you are bound for worry and anguish. I wouldnt tolerate any of this. Cut your losses and move on. Your time here is done, as evidenced by his moving away.

 

Salt

[Rabican]

I dont think id be ok with my SO living with another guy... that just wouldnt sit right with me. If hes making 80k a year theres no reason he cant get a studio apt for himself and live alone... then you guys can see if the long distance can work.

 

But I would say long distance, plus living with another girl... talk about tossing the fox in the henhouse.

 

If you think hes the right guy (other than finances) which are now fixed... can you move to FL to be with him? Otherwise probably time to move on.