Talking to/ getting along with the children!

[TrueHeart]

There have been issues--

 

You are in love

You are blissfully happy

and the whole world doesn't seem to mind or matter...

 

Except when one or both of you have children. Sometimes, those kids are YOUR age, or maybe a bit younger or older... And they seem to not really agree with your relationship.. Puts a pinch on things..

 

So here's my dilemma:

 

My BF is 44, we've been dating for 4 months... We've been friends for over 7 years though.. He has 2 sons, one is 21 and the other 22. I am 24. He's in the middle of a bad divorce from his wife of 23 years... who left him for another woman... So you can imagine what his sons have gone through.

 

Its been 4 months, and its been great. They're still cordial to me, polite and such, because we have been friends. I know it must NOT be easy to have your father to be dating a close friend... but he's happy. I know they have issues, but really don't want to talk about them.. I know I cannot force anything, but its something thats really been on my nerves... Their mother (who found out that the grass WASN'T greener on the other side) is causing waves... Pitting them against their Dad and me. Its THEIR problem ultimately.

 

I need to know how to approach this. I am respectful of their presense, I'm not clingy or anything on their Dad while their around... and when I spend the night, I sleep on the couch. Even in front of his soon-to-be ex-wife, I am not secretive, but respect that she has feelings enough... I don't want to come off like I'm rubbing anything in anyone's face. I want to address this issue that I love their father and want them to know that...

 

Any advice is welcome.. Thanks for reading!

[Beec]

Assuming the cat is out of the bag, and the father knows that you love him. Seems like this is, or you would not tell his sons first. Then he is the one who should deal with them. His wife and sons are someone he needs to give the message to first. He needs to tell them. And he also should tell his sons to figure out how to stay out of the middle. Finally, he should go to his wife and tell her to stop stirring up the septic tank. But this is something he should be the messenger on.

 

If I were in his kids shoes, I think what would make a difference to me is that you made him happy and he loved you, not the other way around. And how you treat him would make a difference. How you feel about him, that would not make so much of a difference, although I would be hoping you loved him. BUt I would believe that based on how you acted, not what you told me. I would let them see how you care about him, without being touchy feely.

[TrueHeart]

Beec,

As always, you're so on. Yes, I agree.. Showing them I care without all that crap is the best way, and I've tried to do that. Their mother tries to still get in the way, and Mike is doing what he can by trying to get her to stay out of it.

 

The problem is, (do you remember my XXBF, the obsessive one)-- well, unfortunately, his sons and him are close friends... so Adam is doing a number on them telling them that my "track record" of dumping and hurting men is terrible and that I WILL hurt their father.. He's told them that it will never last, and has instilled a bit of a fear and doubt that I am as genuine as I am with their father. I have since told Adam to butt out because he's doing nothing but causing problems and acting like a jealous XBF when he already HAS a GF.

 

Thats since calmed down, but I do agree that the issue is trying to SHOW his sons I mean business. I'd never intentionally hurt anyone. So ultimately, its my actions that will speak the loudest?

[Beec]

One other thing you mgiht consider, since your XBF is a part of the problem, is to dilute that influence through indirect communication. Telling his sons directly won't send the message. They might think you are telling them for a pointed purpose, which you are, and put less credibility on your information.

 

But if you communciate indirectly with them, they might hear it better. Say you express regrets in their presense over your past issues in a relationship. Things you felt you could have done better. Like you could have done some one thing better with this XBF that would have kept him around longer. Then follow that up with a "it would not have mattered", see if you get a question why. Or when you here about something happening to him, refer to him as a cheating, etc. It mgiht be better to have this conversation overheard, with you telling it to someone not your new guy or his sons, but a third party. Or even for his sons to hear it through the words of a third party.

[TrueHeart]

True true.. Though, I work with one of his son's, John.. the oldest of the two. I know things are a little tough, as he tries to keep the peace a lot. It always seems like there is an uncomfortable silence between us, and I feel compelled to say something.... I know that my actions will speak loudly... His younger brother, Ryan, seems to be more understanding and cool with everything... John is more friends to Adam than Ryan is.. so maybe thats the thing... I just don't like the distance its caused between John and I (who happens to be dating my twin sister)-- so yeah. theres another twist in the story....

[Beec]

This is complicated.

 

Is your sister on board with you dating John's father? Does she know aboutteh cheating XBF? Does John know about the cheating of your XBF?

 

You could use a conversation between you and your sister being overheard as the means of transmission of such info. Script it if you need to.

[TrueHeart]

Believe me, its happened. She knows about us... And is ok.. But she's partially sided with John's mother BECAUSE of John.. She knows that if she fully condones it, his mother will discourage the relationship my sister has with John.. its tedious.

 

John knows about all of it.. How corrupting Adam can be, how manipulative he is.. John claims to take everything Adam says with a grain of salkt.. but Adam has a way of just talking his way into things...