First Date Since Break Up

[ajhurst210]

I wasn't sure if it was a good idea... but I went on my first date last night since my break up almost 4 months ago now. Somehow it seemed like a step I needed to take since I feel like I'm finally ready to move on and start picking up the pieces. I think I was hoping it would wash over me and clean the last little bits of my ex off of me.

 

I was nervous as hell. I hadn't been on a date (other than with my ex) in over 3 years. And kind of scared about how it would make me feel... like would I think about my ex the whole time? Would I start missing her in the middle of it all? Would I get sad and this unsuspecting girl would notice it on me and I'd blow the date? Or would I do the worst thing and start talking about her?

 

Well, turns out none of that happened. I actually had a nice time. The girl had a nice time too. We chatted and had a few drinks and laughed and I never actually thought about my ex once. Never got sad or brought her up or anything. It went as well as it could've went. And it was real nice to have someone show interest in me again.

 

I didn't notice it at the time I guess, but something just felt... off... I think my ex was there the whole time kind of like a ghost or a shadow just waiting for me because on the drive home from my date... at a time when I should've been excited and happy and maybe a little bit giddy... I was washed over with this sadness that really confused me... I had kinda felt like I had just cheated? I cried for a little while on the drive home. I didn't/don't understand. Is this normal? Does this mean I'm not ready to start dating again? Again, I didn't know what i expected from this date and was kinda weary about going on it from the start just because I didn't know how I'd feel about it. But me and this girl texted a little later before I went to bed and she told me she had a wonderful time. So I think she wants to see me again.

 

Should I see her again? Or am I not ready? I feel like if I saw her again and continued this to see where it went, after being so upset after our first date, that she'd just end up being this band-aid that helped fixed me while I was still broken. But I also feel like if I don't get back out there, I'm just going to stay broken. One of my friends said to me...

 

"we're all just hurt people searching for someone or something who can fill in the pieces someone else broke off"

 

I'm kind of inclined to believe that.

 

But this is all new to me. I've never felt like this before. Is this going to happen on every date I have? Would this have happened even if I had waited longer to start dating again? Am I just lonely and heartbroken and like my friend said, just looking for someone to fill in the pieces my ex broke off? Is it even right of me to be seeing this girl? I feel like I'd be doing her wrong and I don't want anyone to get hurt in my healing process.

 

Ugh

[Mia19892015]

I, personally wouldn't start dating after 4 months after a separation & I would initially give myself some more time to really sort things out with myself which is why you probably feel the way you do- you probably needed more time. Having said this, I think if this girl really is great & you guys hit it off well the first time you should continue to see her, you don't want to put a stop to something that may well be something great for the both of you but take it very very slowly to allow yourself time to slowly get over things from the past. See how things go with her. If your past really starts to effect you after seeing her again and again then maybe you need to step back but make sure you let her know why. The earlier on the better too so you don't hurt her feelings.

 

This is from a females perspective in case you were wondering. I hope this helps somehow.

[Clinton]

That's kind of fast after a divorce. It reeks of rebound.

 

If you want to continue you need to be really up front with her about where you are at and how you are feeling. Odds are this relationship won't last if you start dating and you don't want to screw someone else over

[LovelyDani87]

It's been 4 months for me also and I have gone on two dates and cried each time I got home. I eventually decided to just continue working on healing without the "help" of someone new just yet. Give yourself time.

[rich46]

I can completely relate to your feelings. Strange to say, but yeah it does really feel like cheating doesn't it? And yeah, I have cried afterwards on one occasion a few years ago, when I went out on a date about 3 months after a relationship ended. It taught me a valuable lesson, and one I am putting in practice now by waiting a great deal longer than 3-4 months.

 

 

Only you know the answer. But the fact you cried, are feeling confused enough to post on here, still thinking about the ghost of your ex, feelings of cheating = probably not ready yet, and might be best to be open with this new girl, and the sooner the better. Maybe explain that you are fresh out of a relationship, and not ready for anything serious. She will either blow you off at this point, or understand and you can see eachother occasionally, and go realllly slowly. Up to you. I'd be tempted to take stock for a couple of weeks though, and see where you are at.

 

 

I don't think it would have happened had you waited, say, 12 months before dating. I'm sure you might have thought about your ex afterwards, but probably not in terms of the cheating feelings. You are still effectively at the stage where it is possible that your ex will return, and give you a decision to make. Not saying it will happen, just theoretically. After 9-12 months, I think you will know it is over for good, and probably will be in a better place to look ahead to new girls, new opportunities, etc.

 

So to conclude, I think it is too soon for you, but that is only my opinion.

 

Good luck!

[ajhurst210]

Well it wasn't a divorce. We never were married. Not that that matters really.

 

I definitely am not wanting anyone to get hurt. Not myself and certainly not her or whoever else I may pursue in the future.

 

This is definitely much MUCH sooner than I expected to be dating again, I usually have years in between relationships... I don't know if it's a rebound so much as its testing the waters to see if I'm ready to go back in and where I'm at in my recovery.

 

And it's confusing because during the date it seemed like I was fine and ready, maybe not for anything fast or real serious right away, but ready. Then afterwards it felt strange. And I don't know if that's because it's just someone different than I've been used to for so long now and thought I'd never be on another date with someone else again, or if it's something deeper and more dangerous than that.

 

This was just one date and I'm not for sure if she even wants to have another or not or even if I do... But if she does and we start anything serious up, I'm definitely gonna have a talk with her and lay everything out on the table. I've never been one to hide intentions or my feelings from someone I date.

 

All of my friends and family really encouraged me to go on this date when I was hesitant about it. Maybe it's good for me, maybe it's not... I really don't know. All I know is that something's gotta give...

[ghostgirl116]

i'm with the others, but I wanted to add that you seem like a very good and considerate guy. if you like this girl, or think you might like her, just tell her you'd like to see her again, but you need to go very slowly.

[rich46]

I would also say that I remember your "Relapsed" post from a couple of weeks ago, and reading that again just now has made me think even more strongly that you are not ready to date yet. As I wrote in that thread, you need things to look forward to, and these should include any number of things that don't include going on dates. I would suggest joining a new social club, travelling to new places on weekends, taking up a new hobby, meeting new friends, etc etc. Embrace the alone time, improve your self-esteem, and then eventually you will naturally feel ready to date, instead of forcing the issue like you maybe are right now.

[ajhurst210]

i'm with the others, but I wanted to add that you seem like a very good and considerate guy. if you like this girl, or think you might like her, just tell her you'd like to see her again, but you need to go very slowly.

 

Thank you. I thought right away about telling her if we do see each other again that it'd have to be extremely slow. And if I do actually meet up with her again I will lay it out on the table that I'm not looking for anything serious right now or to go fast... Also don't wanna just shove her aside if she really is a nice girl because those are hard to come by...

 

I would also say that I remember your "Relapsed" post from a couple of weeks ago, and reading that again just now has made me think even more strongly that you are not ready to date yet. As I wrote in that thread, you need things to look forward to, and these should include any number of things that don't include going on dates. I would suggest joining a new social club, travelling to new places on weekends, taking up a new hobby, meeting new friends, etc etc. Embrace the alone time, improve your self-esteem, and then eventually you will naturally feel ready to date, instead of forcing the issue like you maybe are right now.

 

After seeing how I felt afterwards... I don't think I'm ready to date yet either. Not serious dating anyway. I'm definitely focusing on me and I think part of going on this date was just another attempt at focusing on me and rebuilding myself. I've started working out a lot and am volunteering at the hospital... really trying to rebuild my broken confidence. I definitely want to take the time to feel good about myself before letting anyone else in again... But at the same time... you miss having that connection with someone ya know?

 

It's a tough situation. All I know is that no matter what, I'm not dragging anyone down with me. That's not fair to anyone at all.

[rich46]

you miss having that connection with someone ya know?

Of course! Everyone feels like that after a break up, totally natural. Just try to be a bit patient. A few more months is not much in the grand scheme of things. You have tested the waters, and nothing wrong with that, and I think you got your answer. And great that you are working out and doing volunteer work...that will slowly contribute to rebuilding your confidence!

[janesmiley]

You seem like you have come to the realization that you are not ready yet. I just wanted to say good for you for trying. And even better for you for realizing that something felt off. That is a sign of health and growth. So many people struggling with heartbreak take the easy way out by rebounding (and hurting others in the process). You know what you need to do to get through this. And I echo everything Rich says here. Embrace this time and really take it as an opportunity to become the best version of yourself possible. After 2 months of healing and starting to feel a tiny bit better, I hit a huge wall this weekend. I'm not sure where it came from, but part of me wanted so badly to just go back online and meet someone new to help me get past this pain, but I am nowhere near ready and it would just end up making me feel worse in the long run. So I'm continuing to power through the tears that are coming up again, and forcing myself to stay engaged in activities. One day at a time. That's all we can do. And know that it will eventually get better. Hang in there.

[ajhurst210]

I'm sorry that you hit a wall. Heartache is funny like that... Some days it's in your face and others it's like it was never even there.

 

I think that's one of the main reasons I went on this date... not just because I miss the connection with someone, not just because I needed to feel wanted again, not just so I could see if I'm ready for it, but because ultimately, I get tired of fighting off the heartache on my own. I get tired of holding myself together and battling the highs and lows of it by myself. I mean, I know I have to do it on my own but sometimes you just get so defeated.... and no matter he strong you are all day long when you climb into bed alone at night you just feel so... empty. And it's like everything you've been doing is null and void because it still circles back around to the feelings you've been trying to beat the whole time.

 

Anyway. I'm gonna keep truckin along on my own for awhile because it definitely feels wrong to drag someone into my misery, no matter how much I may want somebody to fill the void. It's just not right.

[janesmiley]

I could have written that post. I feel the exact same way. You are strong and you will get past this. Just keep telling yourself that amazing things, things that are better than what you could have ever had with you ex, are on the other side of this pain. And start believing it. you will get there. You just can't go around this to get there, unfortunately. Hang in there.

[blanco]

I haven't dated since my breakup earlier this year. I don't think I'd turn down getting to know someone, but I haven't felt much inclination to actively pursue someone. For me, I've just never found the idea of getting over someone by "getting under someone" an enticing concept. That feels weird as a guy to say, since we have the rep of living by that mantra, but I guess the relationships I've been a part of were too important to me that I could just wash away the pain of them ending by sleeping with someone.

 

Conversely, I do think that after a certain time, it's probably time to get off the snide, so to speak. In the past, I've spent WAY too long dwelling on the breakup and didn't get to know new women. I do think it's possible to stay in that post-break up state for too long, well after you've reasonably analyzed what went wrong and what you learned from the relationship.

 

With my current situation, I think I'm nearing that point. It's been six months and four since she started seeing someone else. I've never really doubted that it was the right decision to leave, and so at this point, I'm probably clinging a bit too much to a life that doesn't exist anymore; one that is better NOT to exist. For me, moving on isn't just about finding a new partner. It's about improving myself, learning more about myself, and contemplating how I want to make myself a better, more well-rounded person. Meeting someone new is just a piece of the moving on puzzle.

[janesmiley]

Great attitude, Blanco.