Brother is making my mother 'walk on eggshells'

[bananashampoo]

Hi there everyone,

 

I am new to this particular forum. I just thought I'd right you guys to see what you think of this situation and what may be done. My brother (22 years old) has an anger problem, in my opinion. He doesn't like a lot of the things I say, often saying 'Oh you just say whatever comes to your mind, don't you?' and at times acting closed off and passive aggressive when I say something he doesn't like, but he never mentions it to me, until it hits a boiling point with him and he unleashes his rage on me. Then suddenly he will be throwing things out at me like, things I said weeks or days ago that he didn't like, and at the time I didn't know he didn't like.

 

He does the same thing to my mother and my mother describes it as 'walking on eggshells' constantly (I on the other hand will not walk on eggshells around him). She does it well, and she will often bend to his will to avoid a fight.

 

I feel so bad for my mother as it is stressful always walking on eggshells and I do not think it's fair that my brother treats her that way, as well as me. My father and other brother are exempt from his anger. It's just us two, and mostly me, that he has a problem with.

 

I don't have a problem with him at all, and I feel free to act myself around him until something like this happens and he reduces me to tears. I have finally decided that he is not someone I can trust and that I will have to change my behaviour around him, i.e I'll probably not be able to talk around him.

 

We all live together right now, as I just got out a of a relationship and am getting back on my feet.

 

My brother also seems to have a problem with alcohol, he binge drinks and it seems he is only nice and understanding towards me when he is drunk. This is the only time he will actually want to talk to me about meaningful things.

 

I'm not sure what to think of all this or what is really going on. I am sure I play a part in this too, maybe I'm too 'open' but I feel that I should be able to be myself around my family. That's how it should be. I tend to be very introspective and not afraid it admit bad things about myself, so maybe that's the issue with him. I don't know.

 

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks enotaloners.

[mhowe]

How your mother chooses to react to her son is her choice. That both of your parents allow their son to treat your mother with such disrespect is appalling, but that is your family dynamic. There isn't much you can do bout it but save to move out again. How old is your brother?

[bananashampoo]

Yeah, I agree. They have always let him do this. My father is very passive and very much the best buddy guy and he never says anything, he never has, I had a hard childhood at times because he never told them to stop being nasty. My mother is tired of having a life time of having to deal with this and she has become a bit jaded in this respect.

 

My brother is 22.

[mhowe]

Since her husband is so passive, perhaps your mother should tell him to move out.

[bananashampoo]

She has gone to counsellors and they have told her the same thing but she always says that she will not leave him.

 

He has issues with confrontation. I guess that's what has created this ty dynamic. I don't know, it really sucks. I love my dad a lot.

 

I will have to move out soon, agreed.

[mhowe]

I mean tell your brother to move out. Does he have a job?

[bananashampoo]

Yes, he does pretty well actually.

[mhowe]

Then why is he still living at home.

 

Seriously, none of this is really your concern. U our mother created your brother and has allowed him to develop into the disrespectful person he is....so let her deal with it.

[bananashampoo]

But I am being treated badly by him too and it's not making life any easier for me, so it is my concern. I'm the thing that sets him off mostly, and sometimes my mother is.

[mhowe]

But I am being treated badly by him too and it's not making life any easier for me, so it is my concern. I'm the thing that sets him off mostly, and sometimes my mother is.

 

You don't have to be living at home either. And you are a big girl, so stand up for yourself with your brother or move out.

[bananashampoo]

Oh I do stand up for myself, don't worry about that.

[mhowe]

Then let your mother deal with the monster she created and refuses to kick out of the nest.

[itsallgrand]

I feel badly for your brother. He's turning to rot. What a waste. So many kids get crippled by parents who don't expect anything of them. And of course, those parents get a pay off from keeping the kiddie in the house too. Your dad; he gets to feel liked, be the buddy. Your mom; she gets to be the martyr and not let her little boy go.

 

I think you should get the hell out of the house and encourage your brother to do the same. If he acts like a punk to you, tell him "we can take up this conversation later once you are out on your own". Let him throw his fits to mommy. You don't have to sit there and watch.

[kathy679]

It sounds like he has problems expressing himself. This all builds up and comes out in unhealthy ways. Be careful how you approach him if you talk about things because there is a chance he could lash out uf he's frustrated . I know a lot of men don't like talking about their feelings but maybe counseling would be good for him? Maybe suggest to him that your worried about him as he's not himself. Pick a moment when he is in a good mood to say this to him though or you have no chance.

 

I've been through this myself my brother was violent towards me never said sorry or acknowledged his anger problems. Best for him to seek help before it comes to a head.

[bananashampoo]

Then let your mother deal with the monster she created and refuses to kick out of the nest.

 

Yeah, I'll try to detach from it. It will be easier once I move out. My mother doesn't want me to move out but I think it's all I can do. It really is a big statement if I up and leave, and maybe it will knock some sense into my parents.

[bananashampoo]

I feel badly for your brother. He's turning to rot. What a waste. So many kids get crippled by parents who don't expect anything of them. And of course, those parents get a pay off from keeping the kiddie in the house too. Your dad; he gets to feel liked, be the buddy. Your mom; she gets to be the martyr and not let her little boy go.

 

I think you should get the hell out of the house and encourage your brother to do the same. If he acts like a punk to you, tell him "we can take up this conversation later once you are out on your own". Let him throw his fits to mommy. You don't have to sit there and watch.

 

He is turning to rot? He does well, like he has a good career and whatnot. He will eventually move out and then I guess this will all be a moot point, but I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

 

He throws his fits at me, not his mommy. But maybe if I move out again it will stop.

[bananashampoo]

It sounds like he has problems expressing himself. This all builds up and comes out in unhealthy ways. Be careful how you approach him if you talk about things because there is a chance he could lash out uf he's frustrated . I know a lot of men don't like talking about their feelings but maybe counseling would be good for him? Maybe suggest to him that your worried about him as he's not himself. Pick a moment when he is in a good mood to say this to him though or you have no chance.

 

I've been through this myself my brother was violent towards me never said sorry or acknowledged his anger problems. Best for him to seek help before it comes to a head.

 

Thank you, I agree that he does have problems expressing himself. He also has lots of anxiety he doesn't deal with. I will from now on not approach him anymore, I am done being trusting. I should have learned to be careful a long time ago but I didn't.

 

There's a chance he may go to counselling for his anxiety and then they will touch on all this, I'm sure but right now he doesn't have the motivation to go and get help.

 

I'm sorry your brother was violent towards you, that's terrible. It's hard to fight with a sibling, I actually think I am close to my brothers and I love them very much.

[itsallgrand]

He is turning to rot? He does well, like he has a good career and whatnot. He will eventually move out and then I guess this will all be a moot point, but I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

 

He throws his fits at me, not his mommy. But maybe if I move out again it will stop.

 

I meant his binge drinking and acting out. Obviously he has some emotional problems that are not being addressed. And while he is at home, and people are tolerating it, he basically is being insulated from having to fully face the consequences of that in his life.

 

Being out of the house you will be in a better position to help him, if he ever wants it. You'll have more distance from the old family dynamics in the house. You can be a more objective, yet understand because you know it and lived it too, place for him to bounce his feelings and thoughts.

 

Sorry if I misinterpreted. In your first post, it looked like you were saying he also lashes out at your mother and that she bends and gives in to his intimidation. And that your father also does nothing.

[bananashampoo]

I meant his binge drinking and acting out. Obviously he has some emotional problems that are not being addressed. And while he is at home, and people are tolerating it, he basically is being insulated from having to fully face the consequences of that in his life.

 

Being out of the house you will be in a better position to help him, if he ever wants it. You'll have more distance from the old family dynamics in the house. You can be a more objective, yet understand because you know it and lived it too, place for him to bounce his feelings and thoughts.

 

Sorry if I misinterpreted. In your first post, it looked like you were saying he also lashes out at your mother and that she bends and gives in to his intimidation. And that your father also does nothing.

 

Oh yes, the binge drinking is bad. My mother tells him to stop but he just laughs it off, but he resents her for it. I don't know what we could do to get him to stop. He really needs to get hit with reality but it's not going to happen when he has his family to coddle him.

 

He will never want my help, he hates me. Maybe if I move out again our relationship could heal, but I honestly have had a enough of him, he cannot be trusted and his anger is just poisonous.

 

You didn't misinterpret, he lashes out on me mostly, and he will make my mom walk on eggshells or he will lash out at her too. She walks on eggshells better than I do.

[itsallgrand]

I think that you have trouble with 'walking on eggshells' is actually healthy. You have been trying to relate to him in a more healthy way, and he just isn't capable of it right now. He's doing what he knows how to do right now. It's a pretty poor coping mechanism, but I agree with you - he probably won't seek help for it until he decides he wants to change it for his own reasons.

 

I do think it's possible to heal and move on and have a healthy relationship, and I hope the two of you get to build that together down the line. You can put space and distance...and reserve the right to revisit it later, and test it out and open the door a crack later if you want.

[bananashampoo]

I think that you have trouble with 'walking on eggshells' is actually healthy. You have been trying to relate to him in a more healthy way, and he just isn't capable of it right now. He's doing what he knows how to do right now. It's a pretty poor coping mechanism, but I agree with you - he probably won't seek help for it until he decides he wants to change it for his own reasons.

 

I do think it's possible to heal and move on and have a healthy relationship, and I hope the two of you get to build that together down the line. You can put space and distance...and reserve the right to revisit it later, and test it out and open the door a crack later if you want.

 

Thank you! I guess it is healthy but it also makes me not very compatible with a few people.

 

I went a few months awhile back not talking to him, so I guess I can do it again. It's true he has poor coping mechanisms. Who knows what my family is saying about me right now.

 

I agree, it is very possible to heal and move on. I like your positivity.

[kathy679]

Your mum is most probably scared of him so she doesn't want to rock the boat. I think it's best for you to avoid him when he's angry, walk away ignore him. It's really hard with family because although they don't always act in ways that are good we love them unconditionally. Even if, they don't deserve it.

[kathy679]

your parents are probably scared of him. He will be intimidating towards them im sure. my brother was exactly the same. he got what he wanted because everyone was scared of him. I was the only one with the backbone to tell him about himself and i took a beating for it......which i would do again if i had to. no one should use intimidation to get what they want. I think you need to move out and get away from the situation.