About a dog

[larthur1]

Hi All,

 

Just came on to get some advice and opinions.

 

My relationship with my ex of 5 years came to an end a year ago. It was messy, cheating and lying, that sort of thing. I sent her lots of messages in the months after mostly questioning what she was doing and who she was becoming, so far removed was she from the person I loved. She got into a relationship with the doosh bag she cheated on me with (she swears she didn’t cheat but in my mind cheating isn’t just a thing of the flesh) but I think it came to an end pretty quick. I don’t really know or ask to be honest. I moved home about a month after the break up (other side of the country) and so we have no reason to talk, apart from one thing. Our dog. It is the one thing that hasn’t got any easier, the loss and pain of not seeing him hurts as much as it did when I left him that day and he didn’t know his daddy wasn’t coming back.

 

The trouble is I have a very different life now and frankly wouldn’t want the responsibility/commitment of having a dog. I don’t want her back, like most, once the dust had settled I started to see a lot of things I didn’t before (regardless of what she did at the end) and now realise that I deserve better and need more from my partner. So this isn’t a ploy to talk to her, something I would rather not do. She contacted me about a month or two ago (can’t remember when really) about death…yeah. My nan is unwell and so she sent me message about loss and what her experiences were, then said not to contact her but she thought it would help. Very odd seeing as my nan is doing well and she didn’t care when I told her my nan was ill in the first place a month or so after the breakup, to the point I sent her a message after saying she truly had lost her way that she didn’t even show some sympathy given how good my nan had been to both of us. Anyway, I sent a reply to that saying I was a little shocked and that I’m not sure what she wanted. That a life apart is a life apart. I sat on it for a couple of weeks before sending it, when I did, she sent one back within minutes which I never bothered responding too.

 

If she was the person I remember I would phone her up and chat and just be honest. Tell her I miss Max and would like to see him but because of what happened, who she became and what she did, I can’t. It’s like talking to a stranger, worse really. Like talking to someone completely detached. I guess I just feel like he didn’t do anything wrong and I was his number one and I loved him very, very much. I know some people don’t understand love for animals but he was like my little boy, to think that I haven’t seen him in a year is truly sad. So I don’t know what to do really, I try and remind myself I couldn’t have him and she will take good care of him, she maybe a lot fo things but she looked after him well.

 

Thanks.

[larthur1]

I would just like to add that because she wasn't honest, we never really got to discuss how looking after him/sharing would work. You see I always believed I was going back and she let me believe that. Too much of a coward to speak the truth. I just left to give her space really, leaving a lot of my life behind as a result...very convenient for her that I just left. If I could go back I think I would just have taken him and everything else I left behind. I certainly wouldn't have fought for her like I did, humiliating myself and living in denial.

[greta96]

I have pets myself and I understand how much they can mean to you. Unfortunately in this situation, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do, at this point. You yourself said that you can't afford taking care of a dog all by yourself, due to your new lifestyle, and visitation sounds out of question because she would see it as a way to try and reconnect with her. Good luck explaining her that you are interested strictly in the dog!

I would think she may want to patch things up, since she sent you that unsolicited message about your nan. She probably left not because she was tired of the relationship, but because she gave in to the temptation the new guy provided, and when things with him didn't work out, she must have regretted letting go of something good and stable she had with you, hence the message. You did great by closing the door and not replying, but now you have to keep it closed.

Any attempt to contact her would probably be perceived as an attempt to get close to her again, and if you truly don't want to rekindle things, it could lead to an awkward situation.

 

It is too bad about the dog, but there are more important aspects of this situation you need to take into consideration...

[larthur1]

Thanks for replying Greta.

 

She left because she freaked out about settling down, I was having a ring made and was going to propose, which she knew. Sadly she had been pushing me away long before the guy came onto the scene and I suspect he was just another facet of that. So much of what she said/her actions before, during and after the breakup lead me to believe that. Very common thing to happen to people that meet young and are approaching mid-late twenties.

 

I think the thing with my nan was guilt and regret manifesting itself but rather than be honest with herself and me she transferred it onto something else. Thanks for your praise but sadly it was only because I didn't care any more, truly. Just didn't want it in my life.

 

Yeah, I know I just have to let it go but it still hurts so much. I miss him. Seems wrong that something so innocent and pure is lost. I wish I could just teleport him into my home

[journeynow]

The secondary losses resulting from a break up add to the heartbreak. Pets, in-laws, certain friends, home, etc. It's hard.

[Clinton]

That is so true. I don't miss my ex wife, but I do miss my sister-in-law and my father-in-law. It's a lot more than a significant other that often goes when you break up.