i love her and im scared

[radiotone]

im in a long-distance relationship. four hours away. we've been together for a year.

 

when we first became a couple, we were very sexual. and talked about how we pleasured ourselves and we thought about eachother. we did it on the phone eventually too. the only thing though, was that i became really really bothered by it. whenever she told me something really sexual about what she did, it felt like it drove me insane. i got so turned on. so i.. felt the urge and did it. but some of the things she told me was too much. i felt the urge, but it was really strong. i'd end up pleasuring myself almost 7 or 8 times in a row. and i couldn't help myself. at one point i'd stop and say to myself "that's enough.." but then i'd remember what she said and i'd do it again. then afterwards i'd feel really really depressed.

 

and from then on, whenever she told me she pleasured herself that morning, i fantasized about it and i felt the urge. i couldn't make it go away. i didnt want to feel it anymore. even if it wasn't that sexual, what she said. i didnt want to do it anymore. but i couldn't help myself. i have a very strong sex drive.

so then she decides to stop pleasuring herself cause she felt guilty. i was relieved, but then i couldn't stop. everything turned me on so much, i just wanted to stop. and whenever i saw a picture of her where she looks attractive and sexy, i'd feel the urge. and it came to a point where i wanted to stop immediately cause i felt so bad and felt like i was losing control of my drive. i couldn't stop. i HAD to do it when i felt the urge.

 

then it came to points where when it was around the time where everyone in my house went to bed, i couldn't sleep. i KNEW i wasn't going to sleep and then i felt the urge. and i didnt want to do feel it. i just wanted to go to sleep but i couldn't help myself. and i couldn't sleep. so now when everyone goes to bed, i feel depressed cause i dont want to be left alone and feel the urge. i just want to go to bed but i can't.

 

so then just today, my girlfriend tells me that she slipped a couple of times after she told me she stopped. she tells me how hard it is to not do it.. and i just got so upset, i cried. i didnt want to hear that. i dont want to hear her say things like that cause i'd feel the urge. suddenly sexual thoughts became an urge i couldn't control. and the fact that i can't experience these "urges" with my girlfriend completely made me sad. the only way i can stop feeling like this, is if im with my girlfriend. but my girlfriend believes in sex after marriage. i believe it too but i just want the urges to stop. i felt them even when i was visiting her for the week.

 

the urges comes to point where i'd have such perverted thoughts and i'd go to such lengths just to pleasure myself. it was like an addiction.

 

my girlfriend doesn't understand and she feels bad. but we're both at a rocky stage in our relationship and i dont want to add more stress to her by talking to her about this. and i feel bad and i feel i dont know what to do. i think my strong urges may be linked to me being exposed to sex at a very young age. i'd be thinking thoughts i shouldn't at that age. and i did it that to myself constantly. also, i've had numerous experiences where my family members caught me in the act. because i'd go to such extreme lengths just to pleasure myself.

 

besides the relationship im in right now, my other two relationships involved me being a girl, us doing sexual things, and the relationship ended right away. making me feel like i was used. im going to try to see a therapist and talk to them about this. there's more to this that i'm just not comfortable describing here. i just want to know if what i feel is a problem.

 

should i go see the therapist? i believe what i feel is unhealthy and it makes me miserable. im also afraid because of this, my relationship with Heather (my girlfriend) will end. because of the distance. i miss her so much, i just want her to be here and i dont want to cause more stress to her. she hasn't been happy lately.

 

i dont know what to do.

can anyone help me?

[cooldude1234]

I don't understand why you feel so guily when you do this. Would you like to explain this to me?

 

Are you bored a lot?

 

How old are you?