Dont know where i stand!

[cremebrulee]

Hi, i', very new to this forum thing so go easy on me i am at my wits end about a situation that has arisen in my relationship. I have been dating him for just over a year (have known him for 7 years and dated for 2 a long time ago). We were getting along better than ever and we were planning our engagement party and shopping for rings. We both live in separate places because he has a child to a previous girlfriend and doesn't want to move me in until we are engaged which is understandable but because of this our time together was limited and we had a lot of family pressures to hurry up and get things going which lessened the excitement of the event.

Anyway he was 2 hours late one day and didn't text or call to let me know and i got angry and we had a fight over it but then the next day he says things aren't going the way he wants and he doesn't feel that things are "right" with us anymore so he wants to have "a break". knowing his personality i thought he needed some space so i backed off and we were still seeing each other and were still intimate but now he doesn't text or call for days at a time and says he misses what we had but we can never get that back. When i question him he says he doesn't want to see other women but just cant give anything more at the moment. He is the only person i have ever truly loved and we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together so i don't know how to react.

He said he wanted a few things to change before things could work which have since happened and are now better but i feel like i'm the only one trying to get us back on track and he is just sitting there waiting for it all to fall into place. Nothing can work out if he doesn't make an attempt to engage in our relationship. Now he says we shouldn't be intimate at the moment either because it confuses things more. I basically feel single again and i hate it!

It is more difficult than the usual break ups because i have been unwell for a while and not many men can be understanding to that. I can't just go out and meet new people and have fun with friends.

Can anyone decipher his behaviour?? One day its all good and he's fine with me the next he's cold and distant.

Very confused....

[DN]

Is it possible he is depressed - his behaviour sounds like he may well be.

[DN]

things that could trigger depression would be job loss or problems at work, feelings of inadequacy, stress from his ex and relationships with his child, loss of parents, siblings or friends. The sort of things that bring on stress: moving, divorce etc.

 

How has your ill-health affected things?

[Mun]

Hi there and Welcome

 

Sounds to me like he has cold feet. I think you should give him the space he wants and do as he says ( about limiting the intimacy) let him miss you a bit and he will start remembering why he wants you in his life.

 

Get busy with your own life--I know how hard that is, but you just have to try. I think he kinda needs to know why he wants to marry you...and if he misses you he will realize he loves you and that's why he wants to marry you. Does that make any sense? Take a few steps back in this relationship... that's all he is asking...so that he can get a fresh perspective on things.

 

Good luck. I hope he get's his head on straight after this break.

[cremebrulee]

whenever he is depressed he usually shares it with me or says he just a wants a few weeks of space to sort whatever is upsetting him out so i don't think he is depressed. He says he's very upset that things didn't feel right anymore because he wanted to get married to me and settle down and we both wanted a lot of the same things in life.

 

The worry i have is that i'm wasting my time trying to get back on track with him. When i ask if he wants to date other women he says no but then he'll say "not at the moment anyway" he can never give me a definitive yes or no response to anything i have asked in the last 3 weeks. We have had a break once before a long time ago and we didn't see eachother for 2 months but we didn't see others either and when we did see eachother again it was all really good and everything went back to normal and better than before.

But it's too hard to do that this time when i'm now used to spending every day with him and his son (who i no longer see) and we were very affectionate and organising an engagement and wedding and now suddenly i'm seeing him twice a week for an hour or so.

 

As for the illness thing - i've been sick now for 3 years and it doesn't really affect our relationship that much. It just limits me personally. I had some damage to my inner ear that makes me dizzy a lot of the time. It just means that i can't really do anything alone in case i get one of my spells that can last for a couple of hours. If i am with someone i can usually just ride it out and he understood that if i wasn't feeling well i just needed 20mins of quiet and something to eat. It was a non-issue for him. The only pressure it created was financial because i am reliant on the government at the moment and they don't give out much money but i have no debt and take care of my own bills. I am much better now than i was when we started dating so i doubt that's a problem for him.

[DN]

I should have been more precise, I actually meant clinical depression. It is very hard to self diagnose that, it usually requires a psychologist.

[HeavenLee]

Hi! I agree with DN. Sometimes a real depression can make people do/say things that is not normally in character.

 

I really feel for you. It's hard to be in limbo. On one hand you were preparing for marriage, on the other he's saying that you can never have what you once had. That's true, but you can have something even better if you both put in the effort.

 

My advice would be to be there for him if he needs you (eg if he needs your support etc), but otherwise give him his space. You can't convince him to be with you, he has to decide that he wants to be with you for himself. Give him time to think it over and realise what a gem he is letting get away. I know it's hard, but if you keep trying to keep things going and keep pushing it, he will only get more and more negative about the relationship - it really is like flogging a dead horse. You can't make him want to be there, so when he does contact you and if he wants to continue on with the relationship, ask him to tell you what he feels is wrong with the relationship and talk about how you can both make things better.

 

It must be horrible for you, and I'm sorry that you feel so bad. What he does is out of your control, but you can control how you react to the situation to give your relationship the best chance possible. Respect that he is asking for space, and give it to him. I noticed however that this is not the first time that he has done this? If he needs time continually over and over, there is something seriously wrong that you need to get to the bottom of, so that it can be handled better without someone getting hurt all the time.

 

Good luck to you!!!

[sleepers]

Well, i m in an almost similar situation like yours and no one knows what has happened for him to treat me in such a cold manner the day after his birthday. I am taking things one step at a time, concentrating on the things i should concentrate on.

 

N if he says he wants some time out alone, do give him that, he might appreciate you more for doing so. During this time, he will refocus his priorities which involves a kid, a career and having u in the future. After he has done so, maybe you guys are back on track again. Meanwhile, go do something that will keep your time busy. Otherwise you will start to imagine about things.

 

I try to give my bf the space for now. n hopes he sorts out his thoughts soon. good luck to you.