PLEASE HELP! B/F AT STRIP CLUB

[brokenangel]

So tonight my boyfriend (he's 21 and I'm 24, by the way) is at a party for his friend's 21st . The catch is that it's at a strip club. I am so against it, but he's going to do what he wants, so he went. He says he's curious since he's never been to one, and even though he knows I wouldn't want him to go, thinks I should just trust him. TRUST isn't even the issue. It's the fact that my boyfriend is going to be looking at other naked girls that aren't me IN PERSON. This isn't like porn or something. These girls are right in your face. He said he would sit in the back if he could and not give them money. I still don't feel any better.

 

So, he's there now and I'm feeling all kinds of anxious. I don't know how to treat him when he gets home. It's killing me, but he thinks as long as I trust him, there shouldn't be a problem. I think I'm justified in feeling uncomfortable with the situation. So my question is, what do I do? How do I act when he gets back? Do I ask questions? Do I act mad/upset?

 

Someone even told me not to "give him any" when he gets back. I'm just looking for some advice on how to feel, if I'm overreacting.

[hazlcha]

On the plus side, he didn't choose to go to a stip club on his own. If he had, he'd be sending you a signal. He's at a friend's party, so it's alittle different.

 

On the minus side, you're right about feeling betrayed, especially since you told him how much you DON'T want him to go. If he was more sensitive to you, it would've been better.

 

On the plus side, he said he'll try to minimize it by hanging back. And, I've got to say (from experience), strip clubs can be real tempting if you've never been there for a 21 year old guy. It doesn't mean anything about relationships, it's a hormone thing.

 

So I'd say to make sure he understands that you're hurt by it, and maybe take the night off, but give him a chance to express himself and see if he is strong enough in wanting the relationship. If it's just a "young and curious" thing, don't get too upset about it. But don't be taken advantage of either.

[DN]

Depends if yoiu want the relationship to go on. he won't appreciate being 'controlled'.

This issue rears it's head constantly. I can assure you that he will not compare them to you, he will still love you and desire you as much as before and he will probably be glad he has someone like you rather than them

 

A word of advice: never use sex as a weapon in a relationship; to punish for 'bad behaviour', or to get what you want. It is always a bad idea and will backfire against you in ways you never dreamed of.

 

Sex is supposed to be something a couple mutually enjoys, not as used as a way of control. If you start down that road he will never regard you in the same way again. It is a sure fire way to poison a relationship.

 

If he continues to go to strip clubs you may have more of an issue but just once- let it go and don't sweat it.

[brokenangel]

Thanks for the replies. I am sitting here just looking at the clock...It's horrible. I definitely want us to go on...It will be 3 years next month. I am just trying to see it from his perspective, why he insisted on going even though I don't like it. I'm not trying to control him, but I just thought my feelings on the issue would be enough so he wouldn't go.

[DN]

You might not be trying to but you are in a way. You are trying to impose your beliefs on to him. Not a big deal necessarily but it could become one if you escalate this out of proportion.

 

I can assure you this has a lot to do with the way that a lot of men and a lot of women see things differnetly - not all, but a significant number. It is not the same in his mind as it is in yours - you are not on the same page, or even in the same book, on this issue.

 

And if you are thinking: "if he loved me he wouldn't go" realise that he could say "if she loved me she would trust me."

[DN]

Plus, if when he comes back you show polite interest, show him you love him and show him a good time he will be so relieved and grateful.

 

He will owe you one so big even he will realise it, you will be cashing this one in for ever.

[brokenangel]

And if you are thinking: "if he loved me he wouldn't go" realise that he could say "if she loved me she would trust me."

 

See, I DO think that's what he's thinking....It's not trust at all, though. I'm just hurt and am jealous, I guess. I don't want to be compared or have it put thoughts into his head like, "Oh, this is what else is out there." I guess I'm insecure on top of not liking my boyfriend looking at other girls, but I don't know...

 

I also didn't want to have sex because I thought that it would be just getting out all his craziness from being worked up by those girls and not me...I just thought that wouldn't be cuz he wanted to be with me...

[HeavenLee]

Hello! I can understand you feelings, they are quite natural. I would also advise against using no sex as a punishment. It causes much more resentment, and it is much better to be able to discuss these matters than play games to try and get your point accross.

 

Maybe he doesn't see it as being a big issue because he has no intention of getting too involved. He probably sees it as an obligation to one of his friends, and may be a little bit curious due to his age. He may not understand what the problem is seeing that he has no intention of doing the wrong thing when he is there.

 

My suggestion is when he comes home, just act normally. Maybe tomorrow, let him know how it made you feel that, and also how it made you feel that he went knowing that it upset you. Give him a chance to explain his side. He may have felt bad knocking back his friend on his birthday.

 

He is young, and you don't want to control him too much or he might want to break free. If it becomes an ongoing issue, you may have to come to some sort of compromise, but until it gets to that point (if ever), try not to worry too much. He will still love you, and it's not like he'd want to go out with a girl from a strip club that guys get to ogle when he has a nice girl like you waiting for him at home now is he???

 

Try not to be too hard with him. Just try your best to remain calm and talk to him rationally after some time has passed. By that time, you may have discovered that it is not even an issue for you anymore.

 

Good luck, and hang in there!!!

[brokenangel]

Thank you, HeavenLee. I'm trying to stay calm, but I keep wondering what's going on. I also feel tempted to ask questions when he gets back.

[DN]

Most of the girls who work in strip clubs are not that attractive anyway, some of them are downright sleazy. It's a poor substitute for the real thing (a proper relationship, I mean) and the chances are he will realise that.

 

I repeat - it has nothing to do with how he regards you. It's a lark, nothing more. Don't make yourself miserable over this, there is really no need.

[brokenangel]

Do you think it's okay to ask questions when he gets back? I was hoping they were all real ugly, but I don't know if that makes a difference cuz naked women are naked women.

[HeavenLee]

As tempting as it is, just stick to basic questions... like how was your night? Did your friend have a nice birthday? What did you get up to? Did you all have a good time? Keep the questions light... he won't want to come home to an argument or suspicion... it will push away and make it all the more tempting to escape and do it again. You know what they say about forbidden fruit and all.... UGH!

 

I know it's hard not to worry. I've had a few nights like this myself. But I find in the morning, when he has come home to me and still loves me, I realise that perhaps I made a bigger deal about it than was necessary. Believe me, I know that you will too. Not that your feelings are invalid, but it's probably nowhere near as bad as what your imagination is making up at the moment... am I right???

 

So try to control it when he comes home. Whatever you need to say can wait until you are not as tired, emotional and after you've had a chance to calm down and see that it was probably not even a big deal to him.

 

Stop watching the clock.... it's not going to make him come home any sooner. It's only torturing you....

 

Good luck!!!

[brokenangel]

Thanks for the reply. I didn't think anyone was going to answer. Sadly, I picture him and all his friends googling and girls boobs and butts in my boyfriend's face. How do I stop from feeling cheated on? I think I'll feel all weird when he gets back.

[DN]

Sorry the answertook so long - some of us are trying to persuade a 14 year old on another thread not to get pregnant.

HeavenLee is giving great advice.

 

Please relax about this as much as you can. I am positive you will reap the benefit of taking her advice.

[HeavenLee]

You have every right to feel weird. I would too. Guys will always look at pretty girls or naked ones, but that doesn't change the fact that he chooses to be with you. Men have a different thought pattern to women, and they do not always think of looking as wanting to be with that person. I guess it's a bit like porn. They may like to look, but if given the chance to experience something kinky, would run a mile.

 

It's irrelevant whether these girls were good looking or not - I'm sure he is not comparing you to them - he knows what he has at home. Try not to come accross as jealous. He is coming home to you, after all. You don't have to force yourself to be overly joyous or anything, but try not to be too upset. Just ask him how his night went. Then leave it until you have calmed down and then you can explain to him how you felt without the anger or frustration or worry.

 

If you ask too many questions, his answers may not bring you any comfort and put a more negative image in your head. I know that when similar things have happened to me, I've pictured all sorts of horrible things only to find out that it's not really like that... then I just feel silly.

 

I know that it's easy to say, but try not to worry too much. You are thinking of the worst possible cases, but it may be much more innocent than what you imagine. He's there, it's out of your control, so now you can only control how you handle the situation. He will be turned off by coming home to an hysterical girlfriend (hypothetical, not saying that you are), and would be much happier to come home to a welcoming girl. I'm sure that he would be much more willing to listen and understand your side if you do not attack him straight away and use a more rational tact.

 

Trust me, when he gets home, I'm sure you will feel differently. It doesn't help how you feel now though, I know...

 

Keep your chin up, I'm sure it's not halfway near as bad as what you think it is...

[brokenangel]

Thanks again. I will try not to attack as it could blow up in my face. I guess I will just ask how it went and see what he says, but I'm sure I'll just get, "It was okay." Maybe I'll say, "What was it like?" or something...I don't know.

 

I don't know what to do if he trys to be intimate with me. I think I'll feel weird because of where he just was...

[DN]

sometimes, and only sometimes, feeling a little weird during sex can be exciting. In other words, try using it to your advantage. Just a thought.

 

If you really don't want to have sex, then don't, but try not to let him know it's because of all this.

[ang3l2004]

Dont argue with him dont be jealous and ask questions he will only push you away because he will feel not trusted,In a strip club it is not what you think and even if he did not go he watches tv dont he there are plenty of other ways to see naked girls,You cannot be upset with him for going it is normal for guys to want to go out with there friends and have some fun without there woman,I dont think it is a good idea for you to attack him with questions or even act weird because it's normal,You should not get angry with him and start a fight or you will be more upset that you started something anyway trust me,Just when he gets home say hey did you have fun?How did it go?That's it then go on about your relationship and dont worry if he went there.I know it might be tough for you because it seems you have a low self asteem and feel that these girls are better then you and he will like one of them trust me he is with you he is coming home to you and he is your boyfriend you have nothing to worry about good luck!

[mt_joy]

I want to say a big WHATEVER to these people who are posting that a strip club is innocent fun. I worked in one and they are by no means innocent fun unless the girlfriend is there watching the guy. I have seen lap dances and I have heard how the men talk to these women.

 

Excuse me, but if my man told some stranger that she was so hot and certain body parts were so perfect, I'd be offended, especially with her dangling those parts an inch from his face.

 

Every bachelor or birthday party that we had there was wild. After work, I even noticed a few girls get picked up by those guys for a little after work fun. I always heard about what happened the next day at work.

 

Okay, my guy will look at other women. Fine. But I know how dirty strip clubs are and I do not respect men who go to them. Just my 2 cents; don't beat me up!

[sexygrl19]

Me personally,I would be pissed if my boyfriend went to a strip club especiallyif I told him how I felt about the whole thing.I would just feel so disrespected and hurt.Because if he cared about me and my feelings,he wouldn't go.That's how I feel.I bet he wouldn't want you to go to a male strip club,now would he?Well anyway,let us know what happens.Good luck!

[sexygrl19]

Me personally,I would be pissed if my boyfriend went to a strip club especiallyif I told him how I felt about the whole thing.I would just feel so disrespected and hurt.Because if he cared about me and my feelings,he wouldn't go.That's how I feel.I bet he wouldn't want you to go to a male strip club,now would he?Well anyway,let us know what happens.Good luck!

[HeavenLee]

Please don't think that I was justifying what he did. I would be pissed too! But the fact is, he went. So attacking him the minute he came home was not going to help her cause. Neither was sitting around thinking about girls dangling their bits an inch from his face.... she would have had a nervous breakdown before he even got home.

 

The fact is, we don't know how HE acted when he was there. It's easy to generalise and say that all men try to get a bit of action, or pick up or say sleazy things, but I'm sure not ALL men are like that. So although it was probably wrong of him to go, it also doesn't seem fair to jump down his throat when he could have been sitting at the back embarrassed about the whole thing.

 

And it's very true, he probably would HATE to see her go to a place with naked guys. That's why if it became a habit, then she should develop a very healthy interest in the male anatomy and see how that medicine tastes.....

 

Hopefully all is well though, and it's not necessary?????

[sexygrl19]

So I wonder what happened?She hasn't updated us on how everything went when he got home.So let us know something b/c I'd like to know.I'm sure I'm not the only one that's wondering what happened.

[brokenangel]

Wow, I didn't think anyone would want to know what happened...So he came back pretty drunk (they went to a bar to drink some more afterwards). The tension and curiosity was killing me so I said, "How was it?" and he said it was, "Okay." then I said, "Did you have fun?" and he said he felt weird because of the people and the girls. He said he talked to the bouncer for awhile because he was a biker (my b/f rides) and he just gave the girls money to jump on the bday boy. Ugh. When I asked if the girls were ugly (haha, I had to), he said most of them were pretty crazy looking and looked pregnant.

 

I guess it's better that he didn't use the money for his own "pleasures" as he promised not to. I also asked a friend how he behaved at the party and the friend had told me some of them were giving my b/f crap because he sat at the table the whole time drinking beer instead of being up there with the rest of them.

 

I still feel a little weird...He hasn't come out and said he felt guilty (what boy would), but he's definitely been super sweet to me (more than usual), the past couple of days, especially when he came in that night and the next day.

 

I hope that now that he's gone and seen what it's all about, he won't go again. Does it sound like he feels bad and that maybe he felt out of place being there? I hope this situation never occurs again.

 

Thanks for everyone who responded. I really appreciate it.

[sexygrl19]

Well,I'm glad to hear that nothing bad happened.I'm a very insecure and jealous person and I don't know what I would do if my boyfriend wanted to go to a strip club.I would be just like you were,only 10 times worse.Which is pretty bad,I know.But yeah,glad to hear that everything is okay now!Good luck in the future with you two.