Closure

[crushed soul]

Hi all,

 

I have a general question; my ex almost killed me by striking me with something during an argument...but I forgave her and we both agreed to work it out, do the therapy things etc.

One month later, she took off to another city and completely abandoned me.

I have been going through utter hell for almost a year now.

 

I have moved on in many ways, but I have not yet emotionally.

The reaon is this: I know that people break up, and that people even leave without a goodbye sometimes.

If it were normal circumstances, I would be in pain, but would undertand it.

However, after almost killing your partner, and then to have the partner forgive you, is closure truly too much to ask for?

From everything I have read, and from speaking with therapists, it's been said that you can attempt to bring yourself closure, but real closure involves the other person you are breaking up with, and it allows you to heal in a much healthier manner. Leaves less emotional scars.

 

Her whole family was vindictive and really, they have gotten away with emotional murder.

I suspect that there are many men out there who have been through similar circumstances, but I know many men, much like me, tend to not have the same social network to talk about it.

I have wrote out whole life story out, and have considered posting in on the web for the world to see. I am hoping that other people will read it and they might find comfort, or learn from it.

And it may bring me some closure as well.

I'd keep names out of it...

 

So my two questions are:

1) Do you believe it is right to refuse to give someone you almost killed closure, which involves only a small meeting for hot chocolate, or even a therapy session?

If you truly valued and loved someone, isn't that the least you can do for them?

2) I have searched everywhere on the web, and I have no really seen any posts on a whole relationship. Mostly shorter ones just touching on it.

Would it be helpful to other men who have been screwed over like this to read it if I put it up online somewhere?

 

Any thoughts?

[DN]

first, it's not just men who find themselves in this state.

 

second: it's no good agonising over this. If she won't give you closure then you have to learn to deal with it, you can't make someone do something they don't want to. There's no advantage to her in doing what you want so she probably won't.

 

Be grateful you are rid of someone who tried to give you an entirely different sort of closure.

[Hope75]

crushed soul,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, and still struggling so much after a year.

 

My story has some similarities to yours in that my ex (we were together 5 years and it ended in 1998) very nearly killed me by throwing a candlepin bowling ball at my head from accross the room and it went through the door 2" from my head. I left him a short time later, one day when he was working a 12 hour shift I had about 12 friends come with vans and trucks and we moved all my stuff out...... I was the one who did not give him closure.

 

I have a feeling that there are a couple of possibilities for you here.

 

1. Your ex was so eaten with guilt she had to leave and she is still guilty and so can't meet with you because then she will have to face what she did to you (which is horrible, by the way).

 

2. Your ex is pretty messed up and doesn't know how to understand the consequences of her previous actions (judging from what you said about her family this could be it) and she doesn't feel she owes you anything.

 

It was a huge thing, what you did, forgiving her for what she did to you. I also chose to forgive my ex at the time, but for me that did not mean staying with him. I think forgiveness for something like that is more for you than her. Holding onto hate and anger towards someone who has hurt you wastes alot of energy and poisons your soul. Forgiving is part of healing, and can be part of what you need to move on. You've learned something from this that you can take with you.

 

My suggestion is, it's been a year, chances are if she is unwilling to meet with you, she won't change her mind. Take this time to forgive her for not helping you find closure, and find it yourself. You can do it, maybe it will leave scars on your soul, but scars give us character. I wouldn't change what has happened to me because I am a much stronger, wiser and more resiliant person because of what I went through (and the bowling ball was one small part, this was 5 years of abuse). I for one am proud of my scars.

 

I believe you can and will find closer on this, with or without your ex, and don't forget how brave you are for moving on and for having the strength to forgive her for abandoning you.

 

Good Luck,

 

Hope

[crushed soul]

DN:

Yes, I definitely know it's not just men. I never said that. But I do know that more men than people think go through this, but few talk about it...

That is why I believe if I put our saga up, sans name of course, it might help other guys and girls a little...

Not to her advantage...yes, to her, it might not seem like there's no advantage to it. I agree. But is there an advantage to hunting someone down just to returning their wallet to them? You don't do it because there's an advantage to doing so...you do it because it is morally the right thing to do. I strongly believe that is what separates good people from not-so-good.. the good ones will do the "right" thing, even if there's nothing in it for them.

I guess that is all I want. Just for her to do the right thing instead of forcing me to heal awkwardly. There's no point to it other than selfishness.

 

 

Hope75:

Jeez.... a bowling ball? Thank god it didn't hit you... wow.

What hit me wasn't quite as heavy...about half the weight. But it actually impacted me, and I ended up in the hospital with many stitches..

Thank you for the words of encouragement...you definitely went through alot yourself. Are you doing okay now, despite the scars?

You seem to be the reverse of my situation. He almost did you in, but you left him and didn't give him closure. If you had actually smashed him, then left afterwards, that would be my situation.

And for all intents, perhaps I should have done what you did. But I loved her too much...I could not just leave. So we tried to work it out, but her family intervened and screwed it all up.

Does she feel guilty? Perhaps... but I think you hit the nail on the head with your second one. She *did* think what she did was aweful in the beginning...until her family stepped in and convinced her otherwise. So now I believe she does feel she owes me nothing, and that what she did was not as big a deal as it truly is.

And that is what hurts so much.

I didn't just forgave...I extended an olive branch and wanted to truly work things out so it didn't happen again.

But, she just took off. And I can't, for the life of me, truly figure out why someone would abandon someone after hurting them like that.

So yes, I cannot "force" her into giving me closure, but I am not trying to do that - I am simply trying to ascertain if I am at least correct..that someone who does something that terrible at least owes it to the person they did that to proper closure...

[PrincessLinzay]

Well hun, the truth is, you'll never get closure for something like that. Your closure should be the fact that she's gone now.

 

In a situation like this, nothing she says, or you say for that matter, will make things easier. They will probably not make any sense at all. You can't think in the mind-set that someone owes you. You made the decision to forgive her, but forgiveness isn't conditional, and very often it's not even appreciated.

 

I know it's hard to move forward, but there really isn't any closure for this. Closure is an illusion. People think that if they could just get answers to some questions, they can lay everything to rest and it will all be better. It won't be though. It will still hurt, and still be confusing.

 

Just keep living your life (and appreciate it even more so now). Things do find a way of working themselves out.

 

Good Luck!

[Recovering_Lover]

Hi,

 

Although my situtation is not even close to yours. But my ex stop all commincation with me and never gave me closure. I can contact her and all but she would just hang up on me etc.

 

The point here is, the ex has a reason as to why she does not want to have a closure. You and I will never know the reason. They have decided not to give us closure. There is nothing we can do.

 

The only thing possible is to pour out all your emotional angst and confusion and hurt into a paper or blog and epress it all out. But even, it would continue to haunt you, until you truly decide that YOU want to move on. But more so, time will play a part. But you must also try to work things out with your emotions, try to seek closure within yourself. If you don't then no matter how much time passes, you will still want to seek closure with her.

 

Hope you all the best.

 

R.L.

[crushed soul]

True...so true. We, along with tons of other people who never got closure, may never, ever know.

I can't, for the life if me, figure out why someone who swore up and down that they loved you, could not at least give you closure.

I would never, ever leave someone without giving them that closure.

 

Some people have mentioned earlier that you need to find closure within yourself...and that when someone leaves, that, in itself is closure.

I have thought long and hard about it, and decided I needed to do some research.

What I found: When two people break up, or your partner abruptly leaves you, that is not closure. That is an 'ending', much like a 'cliff-hanger' in a tv show. The show definitely came to an end...but there's no "resolvement".

And that is what closure is. It doesn't just end things, it is the tying up of loose ends..resolving things so you can move on in a more healthy way.

Honestly, if anyone is interested, check it out in some books in your local bookstore ( I just did today) and even on the web there are many articles about it.

They all universally say the same thing....that if at all possible, always give your partner a proper closure so they can move on and heal properly, because it's the proper thing to do.

So, I have my answer now at least...that she should have given me closure...

But you are right Recovering_Lover. For some reason, she will simply not do it, and would obviously rather me suffer through it and stitch up my own emotions.

A blog.... I actually already wrote a huuuuge story about us, to help me sort it out..

I have been trying to figure out if i should share our story with others on the web, try and help others who have been through this kind of crap.

Perhaps I will..

[Bibora]

Well, dunno how much can a closure help. For me it didn't help me much, made me feel even worse. Ok, its good to know the reasons of why did he/she left you, but it's not good when you "play" with the feelings of the dumpee. (And even worse, not trust even trust me...) That's what happened to me. So, in my case, i would rather not have it, to pass through what i did...

 

A bit off the topic (but not much), there is this nice song about closure (at least i like it) - Chevelle-Closure - Listen to it.

[Strandysmommy]

I never got closure. When I asked for some, he accused me of browbeating me. Boo Hoo, stop asking me to answer to my actions. You'll find things are better when you realize that she probably intentionally didn't give you clousre, because she wants you to hurt. She's mean; she physically hurt you. She probably has some form of mental illness, and you cannot do a thing about it. If that's not it, and she does have a clear mental heath, then she's just sadistic, and you don't deserve to be hurt in that fashion, or any fashion whatsoever.

[Lone She Wolf]

crushed soul - I see that the last time you posted was 5 years ago, but your story is so, so very similar to mine, except no physical abuse. I hope by me posting this, it sends you an email or something...I was wondering how you are doing now? Did you ever get your closure? Did you ever speak to her again?