not sure what else to do

[opalmind]

my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a week ago, then he came to see me last night and said he wanted to make things work, now he's saying he's not sure and that he doesn't think it will work and he doesn't want to be with me but he'll still try

 

he left me some time at the end of last year too, and during that time i became extremely suicidal and depressed, i cut myself, i didn't leave my bed, i didn't eat or sleep, i dreaded waking up in the morning, i felt like an empty shell with no purpose in life and every morning when i woke up i would cry because being alive was just too painful, after a few weeks i stopped crying all together, i had no energy, i got dangerously thin and my mum nearly took me to hospital because i just wasn't responding to anything, i was just in my own little bubble of self hatred

 

i know he's said that he wants to work on things to make them better, but i know deep down that he really just wants to leave me again, i know he loves me, but we're not happy and instead of making things work he just wants to bail

i'm scared because i don't want to go back into that depressive state again, it was so awful, i'm terrified that i'll end up like that again

 

i've been looking at the best way to end my life if it came to that, but nothings ever 100% effective so i guess the thought of not knowing is putting me off doing it

 

i know that if i took my own life it'd be incredibly selfish, but i give so much effort to people that don't deserve it, i just want to do something for me for a change without thinking about how it'll effect other people

 

everyone says that life gets better after a break up but nothing else in my life is good, without him all of my motivation goes, i just don't want to do anything at all, and i can't snap myself out of that mood once i get into it, i was planning to go to university in amsterdam and he was going to find a job there, now i don't want to go to university at all

 

i just feel like he's half assing our relationship and isn't going to put any effort into making it work so we're going to end up breaking up anyway and i don't know how to prepare myself for that, i don't want to kill myself, but at the same time i don't know what else to do, last time it was just too painful

[kbbcoop77]

Please go to a doctor and get some anti depressants. Celexa really helped me, and Xanax for a fast acting help until the Celexa or other SSRI starts working. Then get this toxic guy out of your life and get some self respect. Go to university and get a good education, work on yourself and find someone you deserve that will respect you.

[greta96]

You are feeling this way because you allowed him to become your whole life, instead of an add-on to it. And most people, men and women, don't like being put in that position. Nobody likes living under the pressure of knowing they are their partner's sole source of happiness, nobody likes to feel like they are their partner's center of the universe. It's just too much pressure, and it's hard to handle. So as long as you continue to rely on your partners to make you happy (as you've obviously done with this guy), they won't be able to handle it and will leave. Once you change your outlook on relationships and treat them as an enhancement to your life, not as your whole life, you'll see how much better you'll feel.

 

Suicide is not an answer, and no one, and I mean no one, is worth you ending your life for. Breakups suck, for sure, and the healing process is never easy or pleasant, but we've all done it, and will probably do it again. You'll bounce back from this, just give it time. Before you know it, you'll be suffering over the next guy, and the next... don't do anything you can't undo.