Preserving Oneself When Supporting Someone Who Suffers Depression

[PH Suite]

The thread "Medicating Mental Health Problems" got me thinking about this, and on further reading about depression I learned what a toll it takes on those around the depressed person. For love or loyalty, they often suffer some extreme situations and abuse.

 

How do you preserve yourself while supporting someone? What are the boundaries?

 

For example, I read that you should remain affectionate and as best you can carry on as normal, and realize that the words and actions that are wounding you are the depression's fault not the fault of the person you care about. However they embody that depression, and how can you sort out exactly what is really them and their way of thinking vs. what is the depression... and if it hurts you so much, does it really matter?

 

I can understand if you knew the "real" them before depression sets in it's easier to make the distinction, but what if you can't be sure where the line is drawn? To be there for them when it really counts, if things get really bad, you have to preserve yourself ad your goodwill towards them. Is it OK to say "I need to keep some distance while you're getting help with this but I'm here if you need me", or might that potentially upset them even more?

 

The presumption here is that the person is aware of their issues and is taking steps to get help. Providing them a target - you - for their rage or toxic thinking and comments doesn't seem healthy and certainly isn't fair to you. Risking saying or doing something that sets them off won't help either. Seems easiest to keep a distance, though I can see how that might negatively affect their mood too.

 

 

I know someone in this situation, coming down with a bad depression, that's in the process of booking therapy appointments. It seems to be "event related" which I've read can often be treated successfully via talk therapy, CBT and some meds. All good. In the meantime, no one else really knows what this person is battling so I'm happy to be there for her and have already suffered some stuff that I'd normally find more than enough reason not to speak with someone again. I can handle it, to a point.

 

I've offered to drive her to her appointments for support, and to give my perspective to her therapist since we've both read it's important for people close to a sufferer to give a 3rd party's take on their behavior. Until she's getting help or I get some insight or direction from a professional though, I'm not into pretending everything is just fine much especially at the risk of being a target of toxic thinking and behavior so I'm thinking of bowing out of some social plans we had and being honest about my reasons.

[Cheetarah]

I think it depends on the context of the relationship. Are you talking about a romantic partner?

 

I am curious about the abuse you are talking about. Can you elaborate on it? I don't feel abuse can ever be excused away by mental afflictions. It may lend understanding to WHY they might have a sharp tongue or whatever, but not justify it.

[mhowe]

My bf suffered from seasonal depression. You can literally see the wall descend in late fall.

 

You do not subject yourself to toxic behaviour. Period. Depression is no excuse for being rude nor selfish. Some people.going through it want support, others want space. The key to the partner who isn't depressed is to know which.

 

My bf prefers space. So I get on with my life and invite him to join. And understand that if 75% of the time he says "no thanks", at least he feels included. He also feels better knowing he isn't holding me back.

 

By the way, we live together so its not like I "leave" in the sense of disappearing. And sometimes he just wants to zone out with TV....but prefers I am there or in the next room.

[chickadeedee]

You need to keep at the forefront of your thinking healthy boundaries and roles. By that i mean, you are not their therapist, and need to make that boundary really clear. So if there is endless self absorption and obsession on certain topics, you need to first make sure the person has a therapist and they are not trying to use you in that role.

 

So 'being there for her' is not being there as her therapist who spends hours exploring their darkness. That is for the therapist. Your job is to try to be a good friend, which means spending time doing things with that are 'normal' such as watching movies, going out somewhere to do something fun, taking their mind off themselves as much as you can, but NOT trying to form a therapist role with them. You're not a professional and they need one.

 

So make a plan to do something fun with them. And if they keep trying to turn you into 'therapeutic' discussions about their feelings, you just tell them to stop because you are not a therapist and frankly they need to take those feelings to a therapist and discuss them, while you as friends try to get out and do some fun things to take their mind off it.

[Cheetarah]

Depression is no excuse for being rude nor selfish.

 

Mhowe, the very nature of depression is selfish. And I don't mean this in the "you can't have the last piece of cake" way, but that you don't see outside your own head. You don't see much of a way out, if any, the darkness or the numbness for so long as an episode lasts. Assuming you're barely hanging on by a thread, how can it register in your mind to consider the needs of those around you? Other than an often occurring thought that they are better off without you(and yes, OP - That sort of thing, is the depression talking).

[mhowe]

By selfish I mean rude and disrespectful. Yes, in the true sense of the word they are very self focused and not at all capable of acting otherwise. However, at least with my bf....he is aware when it is coming and he works diligently to "work" around it.

[PH Suite]

Thanks, everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree, and she seems like the "needs space" type.

 

Here's an example. Recently we went hiking together. I was looking forward to a nice day as much as anyone. Picking her up, she gets into the car in a dark mood. No problem, I let her share a bit and tell her it's normal and she'll be getting help soon and away we go. At the hiking trail she asks if I have any extra tissues to pack, and I say no. Irony is I did, but she already used them up while crying in the car. She huffs at me and walks away while I'm still changing into my gear.

 

On the trail she keeps speeding up, and I'm miffed so am happy to give her some space. I learn a couple days later she was upset I wasn't keeping up, since I normally go quickly, and I explained I thought she wanted some space. I don't mention I wanted mine too. No problem. Later we're talking on the trail and she uses a word out of context and after I get clarification on what she meant I explain nicely what the word she used actually means and why I was confused by its use. She and I always playfully correct each other's grammar and learn new words from each other, but this time she says "Well I'm just stupid and useless" and storms off far ahead, never looking back to make sure I'm keeping up not injured or whatever. This passes for normal behavior for many women, I know, but not ever for her or anyone I care to associate with. Anyone else did this - extremely rude and I'd go so far as to say abusive - I'd carry on by myself and not even give them a ride home.

 

By the end of the hike we're caught up and cooled off and talk awhile. I hear that she was feeling inferior due to some of the other girls' bodies. Even though she's in great shape I know how she thinks so it's understandable. I can empathize. I say some flattering things and leave it at that. I can forgive it. I do not want to subject myself to it though. It took a lot of strength to not react to that behavior with unkind words or actions.

 

She's just called me to say she's got her first appointment early next week. She'd invited me to an event on Sunday and I said I'd get back to her. My strong inclination is not to go. There'll be other friends of hers there who do not know what she's going through, and I'd be tempted to tell them to watch out for her or worse she'll act out again and I'll be stuck there with a fake smile on my face. It's not like she'll otherwise be alone, so doesn't really need me there.

 

I feel until some of this is sorted that it's best for both of us, certainly for me, that I just be at the ready in case things get really bad, which they almost did for her at work but she took a time-out and confided in a superior what she's going through and they were very supportive so I'm glad for that. I might not be able to be there for her if she's completely burnt out my goodwill. The above was just one example, there've been others before I realized what's going on but the damage doesn't undo itself by simply blaming the depression.... I try to be evolved, but I'm human and not familiar with dealing with this sort of thing.

 

Should I clue another friend or someone in her family in on this confidentially? Part of me feels it's the right thing, part of me things it'd be a betrayal. She's somewhat high-risk in that she's had problems with substance abuse in the past but has been sober for years now with never a relapse. Never say never though, right?

 

I'm hoping this thread can serve a more general purpose than just making it about me though.

[chickadeedee]

>>'d be tempted to tell them to watch out for her or worse she'll act out again and I'll be stuck there with a fake smile on my face.

 

No, no, no. Just decide what your own limits are and stick to them. If you're feeling like your interactions with her won't be pleasurable for you, then don't go. It is not your place to 'clue anyone else in' unless she's expressed suicidal impulses, in which case you notify her parents (and call 911 if she is in imminent danger of trying it). She's already said she's going to a therapist, so she is intending on working on it. It is not your job to serve as some kind of 'advance alert' or monitor for her with your other friends. Let them make their own judgments and handle things as they see fit. Let her new therapist handle her.

[mhowe]

It is not your job to "clue" anyone else in. If you don't care to be around, don't. But you are not her guardian nor her mouthpiece.

[PH Suite]

>>'d be tempted to tell them to watch out for her or worse she'll act out again and I'll be stuck there with a fake smile on my face.

 

No, no, no. Just decide what your own limits are and stick to them. If you're feeling like your interactions with her won't be pleasurable for you, then don't go. It is not your place to 'clue anyone else in' unless she's expressed suicidal impulses, in which case you notify her parents (and call 911 if she is in imminent danger of trying it). She's already said she's going to a therapist, so she is intending on working on it. It is not your job to serve as some kind of 'advance alert' or monitor for her with your other friends. Let them make their own judgments and handle things as they see fit. Let her new therapist handle her.

 

Thanks very much. That's just it... she's expressed that at times she had very dark thoughts along the lines of suicide, but she has no history of trying it. She does have sleeping pills but never once mentioned the idea of taking a hand full. I'm not even sure if they're the kind that could do real damage.

 

As a normal, positive person, never having dealt with this kind of thing knowingly, I can't gauge whether she's just spouting off like everyone does from time to time or if she's serious. Once she actually attends a therapy session I'll feel better, but until then I'm reasonably concerned and part of me thinks others close to her, that know her past as her family does, possibly should know. If something did happen and I'm asked "why didn't you say something to us?"... that's another reason I'd prefer not to attend this weekend's event. On the flip side I feel it might make it worse if she feels she's also alienating the person closest to her, or that by opening up to someone she's chased them (me) away and is less likely to open up in the future.

 

The sad thing is that her issues are totally make-believe, in the sense that she's got a very blessed life. Great looks, smarts, great job she enjoys, nice place to live... I realize depression doesn't care about logic, it just makes it that much more hard to take and to grasp.

[mhowe]

You are not her guardian and sharing any of this with her friends would be very intrusive. She is seeing a therapist in the near future. She has been sober/clean for years. She doesn't need you telling people about her thoughts and feelings.

[PH Suite]

You are not her guardian and sharing any of this with her friends would be very intrusive. She is seeing a therapist in the near future. She has been sober/clean for years. She doesn't need you telling people about her thoughts and feelings.

 

Agreed. I'd only considered telling her sister, with whom she's very close, or a parent. All of them know her story entirely. However I will not. Thank you.

[Cheetarah]

The sad thing is that her issues are totally make-believe, in the sense that she's got a very blessed life. Great looks, smarts, great job she enjoys, nice place to live... I realize depression doesn't care about logic, it just makes it that much more hard to take and to grasp.

 

Depression doesn't care how beautiful you are, how much money you have, if you sleep on a pile on 100s every night. It doesn't discriminate, put it that way. And biochemical issues aside, all those things don't necessarily sum up to happiness.

 

On the trail she keeps speeding up, and I'm miffed so am happy to give her some space. I learn a couple days later she was upset I wasn't keeping up, since I normally go quickly, and I explained I thought she wanted some space. I don't mention I wanted mine too. No problem. Later we're talking on the trail and she uses a word out of context and after I get clarification on what she meant I explain nicely what the word she used actually means and why I was confused by its use. She and I always playfully correct each other's grammar and learn new words from each other, but this time she says "Well I'm just stupid and useless" and storms off far ahead, never looking back to make sure I'm keeping up not injured or whatever. This passes for normal behavior for many women, I know, but not ever for her or anyone I care to associate with. Anyone else did this - extremely rude and I'd go so far as to say abusive - I'd carry on by myself and not even give them a ride home.

 

It is unlike her, so that should go to show you that it is her depression talking. Things that may have just brushed right off her shoulders, or even things she enjoyed previously(teasing one another about grammar usage), don't look the same in the darkness of depression.

 

As a normal, positive person, never having dealt with this kind of thing knowingly

 

She is normal, too.

 

Her issues are her business and of those who she decides to share it with. Telling friends would be a betrayal of her trust in you. I would only do such a thing if she expressed suicidal ideation, and even then as you said, telling her sister if that is who she is closest to.

[PH Suite]

She is normal, too.

 

Thanks. Poor choice of words on my part.

 

If asked why I'm distant, or why I might not respond to invites, how should that be phrased?

[mhowe]

You have other plans but appreciate the invitation .

[chickadeedee]

Well, to be honest, a lot of her behavior on your hike was more bratty behavior than 'depressed' behavior. Most seriously depressed people wouldn't be up for a hike. They're too tired, low energy levels etc. So some of this may be depression, and some of it may be personality issues.

[abitbroken]

>>'d be tempted to tell them to watch out for her or worse she'll act out again and I'll be stuck there with a fake smile on my face.

 

No, no, no. Just decide what your own limits are and stick to them. If you're feeling like your interactions with her won't be pleasurable for you, then don't go. It is not your place to 'clue anyone else in' unless she's expressed suicidal impulses, in which case you notify her parents (and call 911 if she is in imminent danger of trying it). She's already said she's going to a therapist, so she is intending on working on it. It is not your job to serve as some kind of 'advance alert' or monitor for her with your other friends. Let them make their own judgments and handle things as they see fit. Let her new therapist handle her.

 

I agree with this.

 

And depression doesn't give someone a free pass. If she is being abusive to you, you set boundaries. Depression does not equal lack of self awareness. People CAN get to a point to feel themselves moving on the downward and self regulating to know which events they need to take a pass on and being able to catch some of their mean comments before they leave their mouth.

 

If she gets in the car and is in a dark mood and crying, ask if she would prefer if she stayed in instead of going with you instead of dealing with an onslaught against you. Or you can say "I understand you are feeling down. That is okay. I am here for you. But I do not accept being kicked, snapped at or yelled at. If it feels better to yell or kick something, then that's fine, but when you do that to me, go do the activity by myself." You have to preserve yourself and teach people that you are not allowed to be treated poorly.

 

 

that I just be at the ready in case things get really bad, which they almost did for her at work but she took a time-out and confided in a superior what she's going through and they were very supportive so I'm glad for that. I might not be able to be there for her if she's completely burnt out my goodwill.

 

She handled herself just fine on her own asking for a time out at work and you were not there. That is a breaktrhough in self awareness, actually. So don't worry about "being there for her" - think about if this relationship is healthy for you or not. After being in therapy a bit, is she making strides towards self awareness and self regulation or does she treat you like a punching bag?

 

My aunt was clinically depressed. My uncle was the type to do his own thing. it worked for them because when she was at her worst and wanted to stay home under a blanket, he didn't do any coaxing or worry about bubble wrapping everyone else from her, he went out to a car show with his buddies or went jogging. And when she was ready to rejoin the world at an appropriate level, she rejoined. But he didn't put up with any crap - he removed himself. I don't suggest you accept a relationship like that, though, if its not healthy for you.

[abitbroken]

Well, to be honest, a lot of her behavior on your hike was more bratty behavior than 'depressed' behavior. Most seriously depressed people wouldn't be up for a hike. They're too tired, low energy levels etc. So some of this may be depression, and some of it may be personality issues.

 

There are people who are starting towards the downswing and are not at the bottom or on their way up from it who may have the energy to do something if they are manic. It just depends. I agree, in general, though, with what you are saying.

[Cheetarah]

Thanks. Poor choice of words on my part.

 

If asked why I'm distant, or why I might not respond to invites, how should that be phrased?

 

Thank YOU.

 

I agree with mhowe, just reference prior engagements and leave it at that. No need to launch into it being difficult to hang out with her. Perhaps later on, after she's had some treatment and is more stable and receptive, you two can rekindle your friendship...It may not be back to where it was, it may even look a whole lot different. But that doesn't necessarily mean it would be a bad thing.

[PH Suite]

Well, to be honest, a lot of her behavior on your hike was more bratty behavior than 'depressed' behavior. Most seriously depressed people wouldn't be up for a hike. They're too tired, low energy levels etc. So some of this may be depression, and some of it may be personality issues.

 

It was just one example I cared to share, of a behavior that affected me first-hand. Stuff that's been affecting her has been much worse, and totally in line with what I've read as hallmarks of depression. Emotional roller-coaster, irrational (she's normally very rational), etc.

 

Exercise is her touchstone for safety and sobriety. She's not totally out of touch. She's great at self reflection and knows what's good for her, given what she's gone through in the past. She was definitely tired and not really up for it, even crying in the car, and maybe that caused some of her behavior. He sleep patterns have been terrible and she's gotten through some tough challenges the past year and it seems as soon as things were going great it all came crashing down. I've read that's somewhat common.

 

I've read many anecdotes about people in severe depression being able to function normally and happily when it suits them (best way I can put it) at work, at social events, and so few if anyone ever really knows what they're going through. That's what people often say about suicides or when a friend or neighbor snaps violently - he seemed like a happy guy, seemed normal at dinner yesterday, then all of a sudden...

[mhowe]

Except in this case she is being proactive in addressing her needs.

[PH Suite]

Thank YOU.

 

I agree with mhowe, just reference prior engagements and leave it at that. No need to launch into it being difficult to hang out with her. Perhaps later on, after she's had some treatment and is more stable and receptive, you two can rekindle your friendship...It may not be back to where it was, it may even look a whole lot different. But that doesn't necessarily mean it would be a bad thing.

 

I understand. Thing is that we're close enough that she'll know I'm lying, or wonder what plans I have and why they don't include her. I don't really feel I can white lie or deflect my way around it.

[mhowe]

Are you dating her or just her friend? If you are friends you don't need to include her in all your plans. Nor be included in all of hers.

[PH Suite]

Except in this case she is being proactive in addressing her needs.

 

Yes, with a good deal of encouragement, caring nudging and reality-checking from me to get the ball rolling. Once she's actually getting help I'll feel much better. Until then, I'm not totally confident she'll see it through. Confident, yes. Totally confident, no.

 

Same with getting help. I'm confident she'd get the help eventually without me there for her, but it'd probably have stared from a much darker and more precarious place.

 

We're friends. Close enough that she'd know something is up, and with her current state of mind would almost certainly come up with a much worse explanation from me being distant or vague than just the straight-up truth.

[mhowe]

I think you have a bit of White Knight syndrome. She has managed to stay sober for years.