Broke NC but am not mad at myself!

[Heartbrok3n445]

Well didn't I f**k up.

 

I was NC for 5 days and I broke it. I had struggled so much over the last 2 days not texting him, I just really felt like I should do it even though I knew nothing would come out of it.

 

So today I wrote out a msg then just pressed sent. I said 'hey. do you think we could catch up tonight?' and no response... I felt strange. Not relieved but... like I got a little kick that I needed to go okay you need to move on.

 

I had (and probably still do sometimes) this hope that he'd come back just like he did last time. Our break up feels very similiar to the first time so I guess I just felt he'd come back again. The fact he didnt reply at all just shows me he doesnt want anything to do with me at this point.

 

I sent him a long msg, just saying some things that I felt I needed to for myself. I was very pathetic and desperate at the start of the break up so I felt, for me, I needed to say well I did have hope but I am now letting that go. I said that if he ever woke up and thought he'd made a mistake that I would hear him out but I am not waiting or expecting that.

 

He probably wont even read it but oh well I feel better.

 

I feel like I can now take that extra step forward. I really dont feel like I took a step back by breaking NC but I will NOT be breaking it again.

 

I feel like I'm ready to start healing and moving forward now although I'm sure there will be some bad times I feel like I'm strong enough to get by.

 

Any comments would be appreciated. Xx

[rich46]

Fair enough, you got it off your chest, and now you can move forward. Nothing at all wrong with that, but you really must go full NC now. I did the same a few days after my ex's disappearing act. I called her once, she didn't pick up, I had done my part. Time to move on. Six weeks of complete NC later, I am feeling sooooo much better! And you will too

[kbbcoop77]

Sometimes we need to break NC more than once to really see how pointless and hurt it makes us feel. I too have spent weekends waiting for a response shortly after a breakup and believe me those were wasted weekends. But they helped me see that she had really moved on so I had no choice but to do the same or stay stuck.

[BrookeHx]

I agree. Breaking nc for me (I did it twice) taught me a lot. I instantly regretted it. I also found that whatever my ex said in reply was prompted by what I had put instead of his honest thoughts and opinions that I got from him if I left him to make contact.

 

Two months on I've asked him to stop contacting me as whenever I did nc he would ruin it by getting in touch a few days later.

 

Nc isn't to make him miss you and want you back it's to focus on yourself and treat yourself with some respect. If he misses you then yeah it will help motivate him to put the effort in but your focus needs to be on making yourself feel better.

[rich46]

Nc isn't to make him miss you and want you back it's to focus on yourself and treat yourself with some respect. If he misses you then yeah it will help motivate him to put the effort in but your focus needs to be on making yourself feel better.

Totally agree.

 

However, in the beginning there is sometimes an element of doing it to make them miss you, which I think is normal, but in my case this usually goes after a couple of weeks, when the realisation sets in, and the shock subsides. A sudden low and feeling of deflation and depression then washes over me. Only after this point do I continue with NC for the right reasons and begin to focus on myself.

 

Whatever the reason in the early stages...NC is the way to go. Completely.

[Draven8]

I found NC such a painful process but it did work.

It took me a long time and still hurts but each kick in the sack helped me realise what I had to do.

[BrookeHx]

Totally agree.

 

However, in the beginning there is sometimes an element of doing it to make them miss you, which I think is normal, but in my case this usually goes after a couple of weeks, when the realisation sets in, and the shock subsides. A sudden low and feeling of deflation and depression then washes over me. Only after this point do I continue with NC for the right reasons and begin to focus on myself.

 

Whatever the reason in the early stages...NC is the way to go. Completely.

 

Oh yeah your completely right. Initially I only did it with the hope that he'd come running back to me. Now I see that the reason it is so good for you is to give you space and realise you don't depend on your ex or the relationship to get on with your life.

 

Yes you'll miss them and yes you'll convince yourself the relationship was perfect, flawless and you'll never find that again but after a while you don't want to think about them all the time. I find myself getting tired of talking about my ex when people ask me questions. Two months ago I would have never imagined myself in the good place I am now. It still hurts and I miss the good times but life goes on.

[Heartbrok3n445]

I look forward to getting to that stage where I just cant be bothered caring anymore.

 

Its been two weeks but it feels like forever. I feel like I should be in a better place.

 

But like I said I'm glad I did it in a way cause him not replying was the push I needed. A hard one but I'd rather break at 5 days and get no response than 2 weeks and get no response. It's definitely made me sure I wont risk breaking it again!

[BrookeHx]

I look forward to getting to that stage where I just cant be bothered caring anymore.

 

Its been two weeks but it feels like forever. I feel like I should be in a better place.

 

But like I said I'm glad I did it in a way cause him not replying was the push I needed. A hard one but I'd rather break at 5 days and get no response than 2 weeks and get no response. It's definitely made me sure I wont risk breaking it again!

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It's great that you want to move on but you've been through a lot and it hurts. It's going to be hard for a while but it does get easier slowly.

 

Two tips I found really helped were;

 

Allow yourself to have bad days. If your feeling really down that's ok but start the next day with a positive outlook. One bad day doesn't mean your always going to feel that way. Write off your bad day and move forward don't dwell on it.

 

Write out your feelings. If you feel like you want to contact them write it all down. Leave it 24 hours and read it again. If you still want to send it then do but chances are you won't feel the need to send the message. That really worked for me.

[blanco]

If this is really what you needed to do to move along and stick with NC, then good. But please don't give in again. For your sake. I know five days probably felt like forever, but what exactly did you want to "catch up" on? Sorry, but five days is not enough time for someone to really miss your presence. I'm sure he noticed that you were not communicating with him; maybe that even played a part in his failure to respond. But if you want to this to get better, you really need to stick with NC. You've found excuses to reach out to him a couple times already. So yes, please use this as your catalyst to go NC and stick with it. Breaking it again anytime soon is going to make you look really desperate.

[blanco]

And I say this because I've been in your spot, thinking that breaking NC was actually a good thing for me. But once the initial high wore off, I realized that it was a mistake and that staying "lost" was what would've been best for me.

[Coldarmy13]

The only reason I haven't broken NC (3+ weeks) with my ex is that I know I would regret it and no good can come of it. Im proud ive been able to, never thought I would be strong enough.

 

Youll do well to stick to it now no matter how hard it gets. Should be easier now that you know the feeling of not getting a response or disappointment of the response. Hang in there! Youre not alone.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Idk why I said catch up... I knew we wouldn't. I was expecting just a dead 'no im busy' or something instead of a no response.

 

I know 5 days isn't long enough to miss someone, but I atleast thought he may respond.

 

I know he probably expects me to freak out now and panic and need answers and start contacting him.

 

I know he dumped me, but it still just kills me to think within a few weeks he is over me while I'm beating myself up about what I could have done, etc.

 

He's come so far is two weeks while I'm still in the same spot as the start.

[reinventmyself]

careful. .the backlash for something like that can be later on down the road. .You are still processing what you just did, but when it sinks in it's a different matter.

It might not happen. . but if it does, don't be caught off guard.

[blanco]

Idk why I said catch up... I knew we wouldn't. I was expecting just a dead 'no im busy' or something instead of a no response.

 

I know 5 days isn't long enough to miss someone, but I atleast thought he may respond.

 

I know he probably expects me to freak out now and panic and need answers and start contacting him.

 

I know he dumped me, but it still just kills me to think within a few weeks he is over me while I'm beating myself up about what I could have done, etc.

 

He's come so far is two weeks while I'm still in the same spot as the start.

 

1) Just because he's not responding doesn't mean he's not over you. There could be a variety of reasons why he didn't respond, including feeling like no good would come of engaging in conversation at this time. That doesn't mean he's "over" it. We all need to remember that just because someone doesn't show us that they're hurting or distressed doesn't mean that they aren't.

 

2) It's pointless to compare your healing progress with his. You are two individuals. It would be abnormal if you were "healed" precisely at the same time. My recent ex is further along in her recovery; presumably she's fine, because she's been with someone else for two months. I'm getting there, but on the surface, she got there first. It bothered me a little bit, but just because she presumably progressed faster doesn't mean that I won't heal. And ultimately, me healing is all that matters.

[Heartbrok3n445]

I guess you're right, he may not be over me, but it just seems that way. I know I don't exactly know 100% what is going on in his head but I think if he still saw a future... wouldn't he respond?

 

I get he needs time. And it may hit him later on. But the last time we spoke almost a week ago, he really talked to me like I was the problem. Saying I needed to learn my lesson and stuff and I guess that has made me overthink everything I did and really blame myself for why this is happening.

 

And I guess he is enjoying the freedom right now whereas I'm dealing with the loss.

[blanco]

Again, you're making assumptions about what he is feeling or how he's spending his free time. That's the beauty of NC. You don't know, and at a time like this, that's for the best.

 

If he comes back, you can maybe re-evaluate the relationship. If he doesn't, then you'll eventually be happy that you rid your life of someone who was lukewarm about keeping you part of his.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Unfortunately I struggle with not knowing haha... I'd rather know he is happy and moving on than not knowing for sure.

 

So I just assume those things cause it helps kill my hope that he'll come back.

 

Its so hard though. I feel so empty.

[blanco]

You just have to assume, for your own benefit and sanity, that he is moving on. Given what you've posted, I don't think you'd really be OK knowing he was happy or doing fine with all of this. Take care of yourself, allow yourself to heal, don't feel the need to rush and move on, but also don't sit around waiting for him to come back.