my ex dumped me 4 months after my dad suddenly died

[Toto01]

I really need some insight I am driving myself mad. I was seeing my ex for just over a year, I thought he genuinely was the one. I have had a lot of loss these past 2 years, 6 family members passed away and 4 I was really close to.1 Aunty died of a brain hemorage, 2 of my dads sisters got cancer really quickly and passed away within months of being diagnosed and 6 days after my Aunty's funeral my dad sadly dropped down dead. I think through heart break because he was so close to his family. The day after my dad died my mum was getting results from tests to see if she had cancer which was really stressful at that period and had an operation to remove excess fluid from her and luckily after Christmas she got the all clear, which is a major relief. I have had to take over my fathers company which has been hard as he neglected it whilst his sisters had cancer but we are working as a family - I have 5 siblings that I am really close to - to get the company up and running properly again. But all my savings are gone as I have put it into the company and I am not earning any money at the moment, I have found life pretty hard since my dad passed, I am depressed and low and having panic attacks now. The tip of the iceberg was when my boyfriend split up with my 4 months after dad died. We had a long distance relationship and I went out to visit him twice after dad passed, he was at uni and I built up all my strength to visit him as I did not really want to leave my family so soon but made the effort for him and started getting panicky about travelling as I had heard my dad had passed when I was working abroad and that flight back was the worst experience I have ever had. I was meant to move abroad with my boyfriend and I am now running the company so I could not and I know I was not myself after my dad passed. he was there at the funeral and promised to be by my side, I had no reason not to believe him. The last time I visited we had a weekend together and I thought we were ok. Then half an hour before I left he split up with me so I had another bad flight back home. He said he was stressed with uni and things had changed and that I am not who I used to be. That I have a go at him and make up stories. I know I was not myself after the breakup but with my intuition I felt like he was being different and I asked a few times whether he was seeing someone else. I guess he just was not feeling it anymore because I could not move out there with him at that time. I was going to live with him abroad while he finished his uni and he told me he was lonely and we could not really talk as he told me half an hour before I left. I feel deserted and so so hurt. I blocked him as he asked me to not tell anyone whilst he thought about it but I could not do that to myself and he has not

made any contact. It has been 6 weeks since we split and I sent him an email 5 days ago saying I am sorry about how I treated him and I wanted to apologise if I hurt him. I did not ask to get back with him I just find it weird how he made out I was his world to instantly nothing. I am confused and hurt, I have no confidence and am struggling to see the light. He has not replied and did not text on my birthday. I am devastated I thought he was the one. He was perfect until all this happened and I just want to feel happy again. What do you think he is thinking! He is a real worrier and had not had any real bad experiences in his life. He is also younger than me and his mother is extremely controlling which brought up a few arguments too. I don't know what to grieve for anymore because everything feels so mixed up, I would love some advice right now! Thankyou xxx

[Hollyj]

I'm so sorry. You have had so much loss.

 

You find out who is worthy, when you have a trauma in your life. Why are you apologizing? He has shown you that he cannot and will not be there for you in your time of need.

 

You need to stop all contact with this guy, as he is not supportive, nor had he shown you the love you so desperately need. You need to stop making excuses for him and see him for who he is: not a life partner.

 

Block and delte all of contact info, and focus on your family and obligations.

[abitbroken]

If your boyfriend lived abroad and you now cannot leave the family business and don't see yourself being able to join him, I don't think all the family deaths are why he left you. You no longer have the same path. it may be that you never leave your hometown, and he never wants to leave his. Your lives are going in to different directions. I know it just seems like one more thing piling on your plate, but would it be better for him to have left you now, than later, but with the same outcome?

 

And if you say you have anxiety and depression, instead of him being your rock, you could have pushed them away a little, too and he has the right to have relationship needs met too, and not just be the giver.

Anyway, I wish you the best. I know you have been dealing with a lot, but maybe you would benefit through some grief counseling?

[Cadence44]

Toto, you've gotten some good advice, but I'd like to add on that the impact of grief can strain even the most solid of relationships, including 20 year marriages. A year is not that long to be together, less so if it was an LDR the whole time. It is challenging to be the partner of someone who is grieving, and the two of you may not have had the foundation to make it work through all your trials and tribulations.

 

Also, depending on your ages, it could have just gotten too "heavy" for him, which could have made it feel like you no longer had the same goals in common.

 

Do take good care of yourself, and know that there is still happiness ahead for you. And know that the ones we think are "the one" who leave us were never really "the one" to begin with, because that person wouldn't leave.

[saluk]

I would say that the relationship was already under a lot of strain, and neither of you was really equipped to continue it with so many things changing for you. As you say, you had changed into a different person, as people do when they are hit by trauma. 4 months is kind of a long time to wait, so it's not really like he broke up with you because of this. There are cases where it is obvious why a relationship doesn't work out, but I think it is pretty rare. There are usually so many variables involved, that it's not a question of what could possibly be the reason; but which of 12 equally valid reasons was the final straw? LDR is hard, grief is hard, uni is hard - all together you have a perfect storm.

 

You've been dealt a lot of bad hands all at once. So sorry for all that you are going through, and to be abandoned by people you thought would always be there for you (your bf... and your dad). I hope you find the strength to make it through. Cling closer to the people who really care about you in this time. Some clouds may not have them, but keep looking for those silver linings anyway.

 

Hugs.