tips on what to do while i wait

[qt]

hi

 

i think this is the most appropriate place to put my message. if you've read my previuos posts you'll know what going on. if not basically my bf and i have a long distance reltionship but he has been suffering from depression fro over a year now. he broke up with me about 3days ago saying he needs to be alone to help himself out of the depression.

there are other things involved, like an ex gf, but im not going into that.

 

anyways, im writing here because i am waiting. waiting to get back with him hopefully in a few months time. im moving to the city he lives in because im going to uni there so i hope that we will get back together by then (about 6/7 months)

 

what i'm asking here, is i need some advice. i'm doing ok at the moment considering its only been a few days. i make sure im out of bed by 12 at weekdays and iv gt college weekdays and im going in and stuff. i just want some tips to keep me going. finding it dificutl to concentrate on school work at the moment tho and not eating very much at all.

 

my radio is constantly on becasue music makes me happy and stuff, but its difficult listening to songs that will remind me off him.

 

i want a new me. i dont think i will see him fro a while now and so i want to knock his socks of the next time we see each other. i wana go to the gym but the nearest one is quite far( knocked down my old one a year ago) so was thinking of buying an aerobic step or abs toner. also want a new hair do. i want to spend more time consentrating on my art and poetry because thats what i love, but i just need to find the motivation for it.

 

does any one have any advice to help me or any other tips that helped them?

 

qt xxx

[annie24]

Hi qt - I am sorry that you are hurting. I like the idea of a new haircut and the gym. Buy some exercise videos, get a puppy, watch funny movies. Just do whatever makes you happy. That will get you through things. I'm just a little concerned - don't sit around waiting to get back with him. He broke up with you! I know that you like your ex, and he's got some problems, but he just pushed out of his life - that wasn't a very loving action on his part. I know - some exes get back together but it seems to me that most don't. Just don't waste your time and heart pining over this guy. If you're meant to get back together, it will happen. Take care.

[cassiana]

Well what im doing is walking alot. Its great excercise. I'm also taking care of my apppearance and working hard and saving money. As well as that i have been dating alot. My ex is also depressed but even though I hope to get back with him theres no guarantee. There is no guarantee for you either. Dating toughens you up and helps you get confidence to deal with the opposite sex. It also might offer you an alternative. After all dealing with people who suffer from depression is very hard. Sometimes you are on your own and if you are in pain they often don't notice. think about it.

[qt]

thank you for both of your inputs i do appreciate it. i understand where you're coming from. yeh dating might be the rigth thing for me, but i'm not ready fro that. i am still very much inlove with this guy and i know that he only pushed me away because he had no other choice. its not just the depression but the long distance that didnt help much. if i were to start dating, it wouldnt be fair on the persona since i still am very much in love with my ex. i know this may sound stupid, but it doesn really show how much i love him, if i start seeing other guys so soon after the break up. i know i would regret it if i started seeing other guys now.

 

if it turns out that the relationship is over completely, then i have to find myself first before i start seeing others.

 

waiting is my choice and if it turns out to be the wrong one, then i have to live with it, but at least i wont regret the fact that i didnt try.

 

thanxs

 

qt xxx

[Wimpy]

Hey QT - I'm not really in your situation but I am about to say goodbye to my bf for 10 weeks.....this time next Sunday he'll be on a plane flying out of the UK back to his home in South America. He needs time to go home and figure everything out. He came over here 3 years ago to study and never intended to fall in love - now he has he needs to try and figure out how he feels about it all...it's not a simple situation as he's not coming back to this country and his next job could be anywhere in the world! It's a brave move for me to make but I'm prepared to make it because the alternative (calling it all off when he leaves) doesn't feel right - I'd only spend my life wondering "what if I'd have waited for him"????

Anyway I know that those 10 weeks will be hell. I've thought the same as you ... want to look my best when I see him again etc but I also, more importantly, want to be doing all that stuff for ME. After all I did it all BEFORE I met him.

I guess I'd say the same thing to you. We need to try and do stuff that helps us and is for us. Planning how we're gonna make it all work perfectly isn't a bad thing so long as we keep it in perspective. Personally speaking I have a job to save as I've been so defocused in the past year on this rollercoaster of emotions that I've hardly kept my head above water.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope it all works out (just like I hope it all works out for me) but we must have a "plan B".

 

Not sure if that helps or not....

 

Wimpy

[qt]

thank you for your reply. i wish you all the luck to cope with those 10 weeks. i understand what you're saying about focusing on you, but my problem is i dont have the time to focus on me.

 

although the issue woth my bf is a very big one, i also have another major issue in my life. my mum is dying from cancer. i dont know time limits or anything like that but i know that things are getting worse because i see it happening in front of my own eyes. iv watched her suffer for over 5years now and because my parents are divorced i am the only other adult int he house and i have to look after her, my younger brother, house hold chores, cook food etc and on top of that manage to stay on top of my work at college.

 

im having a very rough time and unfortunately, i dont think im ever going to be happy. i used to be a very optimistic person, but the more things that go wrong, the more i try to persever and then when they go wrong, i just lose hope

 

 

[Wimpy]

Hey QT

That's quite a lot to be coping with!

The pressure must be enormous - I know how much pressure I felt under when my Mum took ill 3 years ago and that was only on a temporary basis AND I'm a lot older than you! Have you spoken to your Doctor about getting some support for YOU? I'm in the UK too and I remember seeing in the surgery a leaflet for carers to get help etc. You need to be looked after and helped to cope with the incredible responsibility you're shouldering all on your own. I can understand you saying that you don't think you'll ever be happy and you keep losing hope. I can't give you any "platitudes" or say "it'll be okay"...it sounds like you're having it rough. PM me if you fancy just offloading and although I can't help literally my thoughts are with you.

As for me and my situation - it would be better to handle if I wasn't such a worrier and analyser of everything!

Anyway compared to you my worries are small.

 

Wimpy

[cassiana]

It sounds like you are having a very rough time of it. Sometimes when it rains, it pours and you think why me. Then you realise the stress of one thing makes you vulnerable to other things. You need to deal with the most pressing situation at the moment and put everything else on the back-burner. concentrate on what you have to do.This is an emotional time in your life and you need to try and put a little time by for yourself or it could oberload your emotional system. Prioritise. Your mother and family come first now. Your education and future and your health are all important. After that comes BFs. At 18 you don't need to focus on that especially as you have so much on your plate.

Come here and chat when you feel like venting some steam. Its a safe outlet.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Phoenix Down]

Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she's ok. As for you tho,we can tell you not to wait but inside it's hard to just turn off such things. what you should know is over time (6/7 months) a lot can change.

Do what makes you happy. He's doing what he sees as best for him, it's time to think of you. And when the time comes and you move to go to school, think of it as if he's lucky enough, you might let him in your world again. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me. You have to be good to you. Good luck Deja

[qt]

thank you all for your replys, its nice to know people care.

i am having some help, theres a cleaner that comes once a week to help clean the house and a nurse that checks on my mum about 10am when iv gone into skool.

 

i've come to the realisation of what it goin to happen to my mum and it used to be fine because i had my bf with me. it was sort of like i'll be fine for a few weeks and then just have a one/two off days but my bf would be there and although he doesnt know what to say, which i very much understand, just knowing he's there, hearing his voice, made me feel so much better.

 

its just now evreything is so up in the air, i'm just finding it difficult because i feel so alone and lost.

i had an awful dream last night. i went to some kind of bed shop, big department store like and there were three floors. my mum has reduced mobility and so i went to find her a chair but there were'nt any. she said it didnt matter and she wanted to go to the top floor. we got up there and there were like lots of doors, like glass doors for sale type thing and i warned my brother to be careful because they fall to the bottom if you open them, theres no ground to it. i was sat on the floor next to one my mum liked and she opened the door and stepped right out, killing her self. i looked down and say her lay face down. i screamed and tried to find my fone in my bag to fone my bf. then i woke up. it was the most upsetting dream i've ever had and its been bugging me all day.

i want to so much to tell my bf and i want to be with him. i dont know if im going to seem him for a long time now and id planned, before all this mess was going on, to him on the 2nd feb. now thats obviously not happening and it makes it worse becasue theres so much uncertaintly and i just was something stable

 

 

sorry

qt xxx

[lillady898]

It's tough when someone you truly love and care about breaks up with you, particularly in a situation where you need someone to be there for you such as yours. I was in a similar situation as yours in the aspect that my boyfriend and I were going through problems (a break-up, he cheated, didn't know what he wanted), he was long-distance, and a relative of mine died after being in a coma for a month (not as close as your mother is to you I'm sure, however, which would've been worse to deal with). My situation was undoubtedly not as difficult as yours. But I know it must feel terrible. It's amazing that you're staying on your feet as well as you are- I on the otherhand wouldn't eat, sleep, or talk to anyone. Until, that is, I finally realized that things would never get better from sitting around and just accepting things for what they were.

 

So, I changed things. I was jobless so I went out and applied to every place, regardless of whether I was even qualified or not. Just to get out there. I ran regularly, made new friends, payed more attention to the people I had previously neglected. I sorted through all of my belongings and donated many of them to charity and Good Will(which can take hours). I got a major hair cut (my hair reached my bellybutton and I cut it to my shoulders). I bought myself a new wardrobe and forced myself out of sweatpants and t-shirts, and also actually started wearing makeup (flattering, natural colors, though, I definetly avoided the "Mimi look"). I took the time to read books, and I even attempted to teach myself to cook (which was a failed attempt, even after trying to get help from a friend I have only mastered the microwave). I also learned how to change the oil in my car and the breaks, which was an unexpected surprise of how easy it is. Maybe you can try some of this. While I was keeping myself busy with all this, I didn't beg my boyfriend to try to work things out anymore. By the time I felt completely able to take on anything and succeed without my boyfriend, he wanted to work things out. It was amazing because after it all, I finally realized I didn't need him, right when he desperately wanted me back and was willing to go to the ends of the earth to make it work out. He was even amazed at all the changes I made, and all I have learned. He learned alot as well. We got back together and things are better than ever in our new and improved relationship. He even completely quit drinking and hanging out with women alone. So, there is hope. Regardless of how rotten things seem.

 

I even know someone who's mother passed away, his little brother was raped, and he lost the love of his life, only to turn out stronger in the end. Now he found someone much better for him who cares and is as sensitive as he is, if not, more sensitive. So, never lose hope. But I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Things like this are never fun.

[qt]

thank you so much for your response lillady898. i think just reading how you went through a similar situation and it turned out ok for you helps a lot. it gives me a bit of hope.

 

unfortunaely i am doing the whole no eating thing, not talking to many people etc. in terms of sleeping, i sleep during the day for like 3/4 hours at least.

 

im in a bit of rut at the moment. iv not spoken on the fone to him for 5days today and the last time we contacted was 3days ago. the weird thing is i want so much to talk to him and stuff, but hes online now on msn and i know he is and i'm appearing offline.

i want him to miss me, but becasue he hurt me so much, i want him to feel that i'm not just going to come running. part of me is trying not to contact him so that if we dont get back together then it will be easier ( notice i said easier, cos i dnt even want to image how hard) to deal with us not being together anymore.

is that being stupid, am i being selfish?

 

i'm so messed up right now. i sleep so that i dont have to think and over anylase evry little thing.

 

qt xxx

[Phoenix Down]

Your never stupid or dumb for feeling. A lot of us want to be missed, it's natural. And I can assure you, you have crossed his mind a few times n-less he's heartless. Which I'm sure he's not, you seem like a sweet girl, I dont think you'd choose some one that cold. You have a lot on your mind. Sleeping and eating are hard to do in this state, but try. Your health is an issue here as well. I know you miss him, but time has the answers to the future. So many times I've tried to pry it from it's hands but theres nothing there but hurt and confusion. Believe in who you are and know in your heart all will be well in time. But please try and take care of you too.

[qt]

so he uptil the early hours of this morning, it had been 4days NC and 6dasy since we last spoke on the phone.

 

he texted me about 00.30 i sat there for 20mins wonedering whether or not to reply. i felt proud of myself that i had been so strong not to get in contact with him, because i had desperatly wanted to text him. the text said, ' hey, i been tryin not to text and stuff like you asked, so u had space, but its dead difficult so i thort id say hello x '

 

i did reply, and said i understood and hoped he was ok. he replied and said he was ok, had an argument with his lecturer at uni and then asked how i was and how my family were too. i thort it was sweet he asked about my family. i asked what had happened at uni and he said he was findign it very diificult to catch up and he was upset and stressed everyday.

my better judgement told me not to do this, but i did it anyway-i texted saying do you want to talk about it(implyin on the fone) he fell asleep and texted me back half hour later saying he'd fallen asleep and that he needed to go to bed becasue he had a doc's appointment. so i sed ok and nite and went to bed

 

all through the texts he would end it with xxx and in one he put xxxx

i feel bad because i only put x on everyone. ( i know im stupid, i concetrate on the little things )

 

anyways, i'm not going to contact him, if he wants to contact me he can do and i'll respond is this ok to do?

 

qt xxx

[qt]

so theres been a lot happening since i last wrote last

 

we started texting a bit more on thursday night. he told me that he missed me a lot and i replied with 'yeh i do too, but its best if we just leav it for now' he feel asleep and so texted me the next day apologising. i said it was fine and hoped he was ok. we ended up texting through out most of the day and i said i was going out. he asked me to becarful cos he was worried about me and i said i would (thought it was a sweet comment tho) he then asked where i was going and who with. i did tell even though i know he didnt really have a right to know, but i felt the last thing i want him to do is worry about me-the whole point of the break up was so that he could concetrate on himself.

i said id text him when i got home and i did. we texted again for a little bit and i asked how he was doing. he said that he was having a really rough time and almost started cutting again ( he used to self harm) he apologised for telling me this, but it was ok, because i know that he feels at ease talking ot me about these issues than anyone else, so i do want to be there for him. we went to bed afterwards

 

THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART. i got a call from him today at 3pm, he sounded very distraught so i asked what the matter was-he told me that he'd just taken a load of pills. i stayed calm and told him to go tell his mum straight away. he started cryin on the phone to me and said he didnt want to go becasue he was scard he'd never speak to me again. i told him that he would be alright and promised we'd talk again. i texted his mum and asked what was going on. she rung me and said he would be fine and that he's just upset at the moment.

 

he rung me an hour later and we talked to each other for about an hour or so. it was nice to hear his voice and i offered to come and see him if he wanted me to. he said it was a very temtpting offer but said we'd decided about it tonight

 

i know that alot of you will probably think that being there for him the way i am doing, may be helping him but not me, and yeh a tiny part of me agrees but the way i feel for him is not going to change.

 

i just would like to know your views on the situation as it stands now

 

Ps. he texted me before saying 'I love you M*** xxx'

[heloladies21]

Hey girl, I was in the same boat so I know how you feel. I think you're in a better frame of mind than I was. You know what you can do to keep busy, but the motivation to do it has to come from inside you. It also might be a good idea to realize that all the going to the gym and new hair do and stuff should be for you and to make you happy, not to impress him. He knows what your all about and he has strong memories of the relationship. That's all you want or need working for you. Take your time and make your life great and you'll be in a much better shape to decide what you really want.

[qt]

so i went up to see him for a few days and it was kind of weird. when i got there he was still asleep in bed and so i went to him and started whispering really softly to him. all i wanted to do was just kiss him to wake him, but it didnt feel right to do that so i just gave him a tiny kiss on his cheek.

when he woke up, he pulled me into bed with him and started kissing me and stuff and things got a bit heavy. it didnt feel right at all and i asked him to stop. i cuddled up to him and just started to explain that it didnt feel right with everything that had only happened bout week or go with his ex and he got a bit upset with me because he had planned a big suprsie for me. i know he didnt really hav any right to be upset with me, because he cant expect me to just switch on and off, but because of the seriousness of his depression i understood.

we cuddled for a while and kissed a bit and just took it a bit slowly and things just came naturally again and it felt right and things happened between us.

in the evening he told me to go wait downstairs while he sorted out the surprise. he brought me upstairs, with my eyes closed and held my hand and opened his bedroom door. it was all dark, with lots of candles lit around the room. in the middle was a table with a dozen roses and some more candles and some food waiting for us. i felt like such a princess. he said it was our early valentines. so i was so excited and we sat to eat and stuff. he'd made us a three course meal but by the end of the second course, he got a bit funny. we went and sat by the window and talked for a long time. he said 'i'm freaking out' i got him to explain and he said basically what i had said when we were on the bed earlier and i just cuddled him and said i understood which i did.

 

we had no choice but to cool it off completely and to just be friends and stuff, but that was difficult. theres so much chemistry between us we just cant keep out hands of each other and its not as if we dont try to.

 

so yeh things happened between us again right up to the moment i left his. leaving his again was so difficult. i got on the train and all i wanted to do was cry.

 

he had a bad day yesterday and cut his arm again. i want so much to make everything right but mostly i want him to get better. i even said to him yesterday, if being with his ex is going to make him happy and give him some stabilty in his life and help him then go be with her. thats how much i love him-i am willing to give him to someone else if i think it will make him better-( AM I CRAZY?! )

he replied saying 'i dunno, maybe, but i really doubt it' which i guess was some comfort to me

 

we are doing the friends thing now. i want it to work, but im so weak when it comes to these things. i love him so much. i wish the circumstances were different. there are 27weeks till i move to his city but 27weeks is too long for him with his depression. i cant seem to make things easier, just make everything harder

 

 

 

qt xxxx