Signals from the teacher

[rolando]

I've been recieving special attention from a teacher of mine whom I adore.

I'd like to read somones opinon on this to distinguish if I need a reailty check or if I should do something special to show her how I feel.

 

Fall semester I was working on gaining my grip to back to reality after coming out of a realationship with an emtionally distraught girl.

I was very shy and nervous around my instructor so much so that when she would try to spark a conversation with me I would reply with only a word or two.

I began to take notice of a few things soon into the semester. She let me get away with things she scorned others for. In a class of 40+ I would catch her eyes on me more than often. Sometimes she quickly glanced away when I became aware and other times we would lock eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Things went on that way throughout the fall semester.

 

I'm taking another one of her classes this semester. I've became a much more positive and outgoing. At the start of the year I realized things may possibly progress between us. She would always use my books as examples for our (smaller) group. Now it seems no matter where i'm sitting or who i'm sitting with she feels most comforitable teaching the group inside the boundaries of my personal space. When we talk she laughs at my (attemptedly) witty responses. I've also noticed that if I don't pay alot of attention to her she'll flip her hair and focus her attention on something next to me and begin talking more about her life outside the classroom. She seems to be very comforitable being inside my personal space as I do being in hers. We've stared into each others eyes for a prologned period more than a few times. I feel like i'm recieving all the right signals to proceed but I'd like to have an outsiders perspective on this situation.

[nexus532]

no, bad idea. If you have any feelings for this teacher wait till your out of school. You don't want to send this teacher to prision do you?

[rolando]

she can get sent to prison if we're both well of age?

[Outlaw2747]

In other words, you two are in college correct?

[rolando]

yes, it's my last semester at this school.

[Outlaw2747]

Amazing. Well just go out as friends for now. Hang out and see what each of you are made of. But just do not mix business with pleasure.

[lisica]

I teach students, mainly male, that are approximately between 18 and 24 years old. I am 28 myself, so the age difference is not that big. Often the groups are fairly large, between 50 and 130. The material I teach is not considered easy, so I try to find ways to make students enthusiastic to study. One of my tricks is to give as many students as possible the feeling that he individually is especially important to me. So be careful, maybe your teacher is using the same technique, and it is working already because you will be taking another course by her and I bet you will not skip any of her lectures

 

But to be completely honest with you, I have to admit that I am currently in a relationship with someone who was my student once

[cleverme123]

I am a teacher and part of the code of ethnics is that you do not have relationships with students. It is not only considered unprofessional but she can get in a huge amount of trouble with the school. Which can include losing her job. You are not permitted to do this. If you were not a student, and did not attend classes there then more power to you, but if she cares about her job she will not do this either.

[cassiana]

I am a teacher in a college where I teach people from 18 to 90. I would never, never, never date one of my students no matter if he was Brad pitt. It is totally unprofessional and I would have no respect for any teacher that did it even though in our college as were all over age it isn't illegal. there is a male member of staff who has serially dated his students but hes a total user.

If it came to pass that me and a student were strongly attracted to each other it would have to wait until they had left the college. That's fine but not while they are still there.

[rolando]

I know a teacher/student relationship is wrong, not a day goes by when that thought doesn't go through my head. Is it in your opinions that the "signals" i'm reading are not ones of attraction? I'm still going to take it slow but I feel like I shouldn't waste time since this is my last semester here before transferring. This is the first time I've felt like I connected with someone on a different level. Maybe my feelings are getting in the way of rational thought, but whatever the case this woman means alot to me and I feel like if I stood by and did nothing to show her how I feel I would regret it for the rest of my life. I feel like for once I should follow my feelings, even in a complicated situation such as this. All I have at the moment is the safety of uncertainty.

[Amethyst]

You keep asking if we think she's attracted to you. Honestly, what difference does it make if she is or isn't? You said it yourself -- a teacher / student relationship is WRONG. Even if she *is* attracted to you, any teacher worth her salt would never even *consider* taking things further.

 

this woman means alot to me and I feel like if I stood by and did nothing to show her how I feel I would regret it for the rest of my life.

 

When we care for someone, we don't only think of ourselves and what *we* want. Love is not selfish; it does not ask what *we* will "regret", but what is best for the *other person*. In other words, stop thinking about what *you* want and how *you* will feel later and start thinking about what this would mean for *her*. If she REALLY means so much to you, you won't ask her to do something that could jeopardize her career or her standing at the university.

 

My advice? Stop dwelling on how she may or may not feel and start trying to get over your crush on her. Teacher / student crushes are extremely common, but those relationships are rarely ever realized. You're transferring soon -- it's time to move on with life.

[rolando]

Great advice Amethyst, Thank you.

[Shidoshi]

Although I have to say man, this is like a fantasy of mine. If I was presented with the opportunity to hook-up with an attractive instructor, I wouldn't be able to resist myself. It may go against a certain code of ethics, but hey you only live once. I say if things go any further just enjoy the moment.

[cleverme123]

So basically you could care less if she lost her job and dignity?

[Santa]

As the others mentioned, it's probably just her teaching style.

I had a young teacher once who used to be overly nice to me, and quite frankly it used to annoy me because i thought she felt sorry for me or something Perhaps she is just being friendly towards you, and thinks you are a good student, and so she feels like she has a teaching connection to you. In other words, I highly doubt she would be doing this because she likes you, as she would loose her job etc, and it's far more likely she's just ocnnetcing with you to get your attention. Good luck!

[Shidoshi]

So basically you could care less if she lost her job and dignity?

 

I understand where your coming from but this fantasy that I have is a selfish one. I would get a rush from doing this mostly because its frowned upon, and because there are consequences that must be faced if you were to get caught. At the same time though, I would reason that while it may generally be considered wrong, it really isn't all that bad (whats morally wrong with two adults having consentual relations?) granted you don't go around announcing what you've done.

[Amethyst]

I would get a rush from doing this mostly because its frowned upon, and because there are consequences that must be faced if you were to get caught.

 

Of course it would give you a rush -- YOU aren't the one who would have to face the consequences, now are you?

 

At the same time though, I would reason that while it may generally be considered wrong, it really isn't all that bad

 

While I understand your point, you should try telling that to the woman in your life after she has been fired from a job she loves because of her relationship with you -- whether it's right or wrong, it's *reality*.

 

The difference, however, between your fantasy and Rolando's reality is that he cares about the *woman* -- not the "rush" of doing something taboo.

[Outlaw2747]

Both of you got very good points. But if it is a SERIOUS MUST I mean YOU GOT TO HAVE HER...just do not mix business with pleasure. Just like a work area, a boss who is having relations with his/her employee should not mix personal with the job. It is unprofessional and may cause some unwanted changes in the work environment. In fact, keep it on the down low.

 

Frankly, I would avoid the situation altogether. Can't really lose that way. Plus if you are a guy like me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about...

[69_king]

While I understand your point, you should try telling that to the woman in your life after she has been fired from a job she loves because of her relationship with you -- whether it's right or wrong, it's *reality*.

 

When you are in love with someone you would care more about them than your job. And if you are in a big university then the chances of having the same teacher twice are rather low so you could just keep it quiet for a couple of months until the term is over.

[Amethyst]

When you are in love with someone you would care more about them than your job.

 

Who ever said that *she* was in love with *him*? The question was from the viewpoint of the student; and, as many others have stated, she's really not done anything besides be a good teacher. There is nothing to indicate "love" on her part.

 

I can pretty much guarantee she would rather have her JOB than a FLING with a student.

 

And if you are in a big university then the chances of having the same teacher twice are rather low so you could just keep it quiet for a couple of months until the term is over.

 

Did you miss the part where he said he's leaving for another university? He's moving. Starting *any* relationship now probably wouldn't be the best of ideas.

[69_king]

We had kind of moved the conversation more into the general starting about 1 page ago.

 

My comments do not really apply to the specific situation of the original poster.

 

I'm just putting up a hypothetical scenario in which the teacher and student are in real love. Which is more important then? the relationship or the job?

[Shidoshi]

The difference, however, between your fantasy and Rolando's reality is that he cares about the *woman* -- not the "rush" of doing something taboo.

 

Understood, however, I believe what you interpret as him just "caring" for her is misguided. I'm a guy, and I can honestly say that when I'm attracted to someone I do feel like I "care" for them, but I know deep down those feelings are tied to lust, infatuation (to a certain degree), and all those feelings that give you butterflies in your stomach. Even if he feels like he loves her, how could he? She's his teacher, they've never gone out or even discussed having a relationship.

 

I realize the risk involved in these matters, but lets be real, do you really think he isn't aware of the consequences? He has a crush, and although his teacher may or may not be trully interested in him, he would like to find out because he probably has the same fantasy that damn near every man has had at some point.

[Amethyst]

Look, I'm not going to argue. In fact, this is my last post on the subject.

 

69_king, this thread was created by a person who wanted specific advice on his specific situation. Changing it to a "general" thread steals from its intended purpose. Out of respect for rolando, I have chosen to stay on-topic and *that* is why I took your posts in that context.

 

Shidoshi, my point here is that debating the "rightness" or "wrongness" of this really doesn't matter; what matters is that (a) he's most likely reading too much into her actions *because* of this fantasy that you're so big on and (b) even if he isn't, no self-respecting teacher is going to sacrifice his / her career over a crush. And, yes, if she *does* have feelings for him, then a *crush* is all it is. As you, yourself, stated, they don't know each other well enough for the feelings to go any deeper. That's hardly the kind of feelings that would warrant a sacrifice of her career.

 

I stand by my initial advice. There is no point in trying to pursue a relationship with her due to the facts: her career would be in jeopardy and rolando is transferring soon, anyway.

 

Rolando seems to have accepted this -- why can't you? It's *his* life, not yours; and, it has absolutely nothing to do with *your* fantasy.

[Shidoshi]

Arguing??

I'm just stating my opinion, maybe my posts come off as that but I'm not arguing at all. I do agree with the advice your giving, I think it makes sense. I was just saying that taking risks in this sort of situation is what makes it even more appealing and that if Rolando were to find out that his teacher was really interested he should go for it. I was describing "my" fantasy because I share this with most other men who have had attractive instructors.

 

Your advice is sound, my suggestion is more risky, but you make it sound as if its murder. I figured some people would be offended by this but thats life. Whats wrong with disagreeing with someone?

[DarkWolf]

She just said she wasn't going to post again and besides the fact... Amethyst is right. Don't change the subject. Anyway if I cared I wouldn't sacrifice the persons career if this happened when I'm older. He's moving so what's the point. Even though he might want to know if she liked him. What's the point unless they meet again? The world is big. What's the chances of that?