He makes me feel u attractive and ugly and has since day one

[Shellie312]

Well. This is going to be a long one. So sit back and get ready. I met him 5 years ago. I was married but my marriage had fallen apart. We got together after my husband of ten years left. The first night we were intimate all night and it was very romantic. But that was it. Every single time after that it's like I have to beg him. I have been told "get the %^*+ off me, leave me alone" and many other hurtful responses. We have a son and I think that was the only time I didn't have to fight him. He has said he wanted a baby. He is a lot older than me and was 40 when we met. I have two other children from my marriage by the way. Which I think if all he wanted was a baby he obviously knew I was capable.

Anyway, even while married I had many men that would talk to me and try to pursue something. I would think about it every time and realize that it wasn't right and no matter what problems you have in a relationship it isn't right to cheat. Especially now I'm a mother and I don't feel it's the right way for a mother to behave. Then other times I get angry and wonder is that any way for him to behave? To treat the woman he decided to raise children with like she repulses him? I mean I remember our second date. He took me out to dinner then a bar when we got back to the house I was caressing him and he pushed me off the bed and told me to leave him alone. That was after two weeks being with him. Why I chose to stay? I think the stress and pain of my divorce and custody with my ex was so difficult I didn't want to be alone. And that's the truth if I look at it. I think that first night was so amazing I always hoped that would happen again. In five years, we've never come close. One night, when I was pregnant he actually pushed me off him. I felt like such crap I cried all night long on the couch. Who does that to woman carrying their child? I guess all of this seems like a no-brainer.

Well last night I think I finally snapped. I put on one of the albums we listened to that first night. I then lay down next to him and put my arms around him. He actually said "get the %**% off me and turn this &)@( off ". I felt my heart just breaking inside my chest. I got in the shower and walked out. I've never done that before. I was just tired of feeling so undesirable. I went to a bar. Some guy came up and danced w me all night. I don't even feel bad right now. I feel validated as a person. That I am attractive and sexy and that im worthy of being treated as such. That's all I want sometimes. I've tried to say it to him he says its in my head. But seriously. How can it be? I've thought everything down to he's gay or he's impotent. He's lazy. He lies on the couch watching Netflix day and night. We never go anywhere. It was a good year I finally landed my dream job. I feel great until I come home and im forced to confront my life.

He's been out of work for three months. I think he's making up an illness to stay home. But I know it isn't right to assume that. I just don't kbow why he is like that. If he was never attracted to me and never wanted me then why did he even bother that first time? He pursued me. I just don't know what to do anymore. But I can't go on like this.