should i try to get back with my 3 year bf ??? Please HELPPPP

[tandn2129725]

Me and my bf were totally happy back then but in the last 6 months i were so stressed with work and stuff i took him for grante, i cared less about him, i didnt want to have physical stuff like touching with him, i just wanted to hang out.

 

One day he just behaved so strange and broke up with me, a month ago, and i realized how bad i treated him and took him for granted. I regreted everything ive done and have sexual desire again. At first he didnt answer my calls but i came to his house several times, say, trying to seduce him and we made out. I was so guilty and want him back so i agreed to be his friend with benefit since he said maybe that way he could get the feelings back. But later he was always annoyed with anything i said. He said he was too sensitive so anything i said made him tired and think about the past. He always remembers the bad time and bad things i did but cannot remember any good things and im the opposite. He said he loved me and wanted me to be happy but he wasnt in love with me like bfore and didnt want to give anything any care to me anymore.

 

Yesterday we went out for a walk but he asked me why i kept talking to him but not ignore him, which made him fed up... After walking and having some street food he then was in quite a better mood. However he kept in the thought that he wouldn't try for this relationship anymore. He is ok with being friends because he thinks this kind of relationship will eventually tire me and make me give up.

 

I'm really confused now about whether i should keep caring or just leave him alone??

 

I know many would say give him space and time and prove my love by actions but i dont know the steps to prove. All the last month i have tried to care about him, make him food and stuff. Most importantly when we made out he was so happy with me but after that he was angry again...Im afraid that when i stop talking to him he will forget all about me and how can i prove anything by actions while not talking to him?

[PaintWithLight]

You are trying to trade sex and making out for affection and a relationship. Don't do it. He is happy to have you as a FWB but nothing more. He broke up because having a relationship was too much work. Instead, he worked you into taking him back but subject to his ever-changing whims.

 

You need to forget about him and quit chasing him because he only wants no strings sex from you.

[Cadence44]

Was the lack of affection and taking him for granted the reason he broke up with you, or are those the causes in your mind? Because if you don't have confirmation that the reasons he left were based on your actions pushing him toward a breakup, then you are like every other dumpee here and you must go NC and keep away from him for your own emotional health.

 

If you were neglectful of him, you still cannot do what you are doing and attempt to prove yourself to him. All he needs to know are the following: you didn't want the breakup, you want to work things out, you are attracted to him and are sorry for taking him for granted all that time, and that you are aware of the mistakes you made and are going to work to make sure they don't happen again. If he doesn't want to try again, then you must go NC and keep away from him for your own emotional health.

 

Right now, and for a few months to come, all he remembers are the bad things about your relationship. This is because he had to work up the courage to leave and tell himself why that was the best decision. If he wants to try again, he has to have time and space to remember all the good things about the relationship, and he can't do that if you're right there giving him everything he ever wanted when you were together.

 

The best way for all the positives about a relationship with you to be remembered and valued is to take those positives away after someone decides to breakup, not to continue to give them without getting a commitment to try again in return. You are worth more than that and you need to start acting that way. If you're still not convinced, ask yourself if what you are doing now is working. I'd say it's not, so it's time to do something different.

 

And in the future, remember that you cannot cut off your regular level of affection and expect a man to want to stay with you. Many men connect emotionally with their women through physical affection, and cutting that off can deeply wound them. Many women think sex and kissing and hugging aren't important and they stop being affectionate and then act like their man is being selfish if he still wants those things. Maybe they don't understand how important affection with the woman he loves is toward a man's self esteem.

 

If you lose your attraction to someone in the future, try to get it back and if you can't then consider leaving so the man can find someone who is attracted to him. Don't just stop being affectionate and expect that things will be okay, because that means you are being selfish by only considering your own needs as important.

[tandn2129725]

Thank you guys a lot for all the helpful advice

 

Yes @paintwithlight, sometimes I do wondering if all he wants is just sex but i dont have much experience since he was my 2nd, and the 1st one did treat me badly. So i dont understand why someone who just wants sex can act like he loves me talks a lot and treats me well after sex ( i mean lately). You know, becomes the old guy bfore break-up again. That what confuses me.

 

And yes @cadence44, he did say that he broke up with me because he thought he was taken for granted. I did try to show my regret and he seemed like he got it but could not forgive me.

 

And now i've been in NC for a day and a half, yay me [although i've just sent him an email to his old email address since i know he doesnt check that so often, told him about my first day without talking and ensured that i still love him => what a loser am i in the NC]

 

I guess now i have to be completely silent..

 

Thank you a lottt. If this relationship doesnt work anymore and if i have another one, i will definitely remember your advice about men and physical affection...

[tandn2129725]

Still it bumps me too hard remembering about the good days and how i treated him in those 6 months...

[tandn2129725]

I'm sorry i have post a long one but the system said it to be checked bfore so it doesnt appear @@

[tandn2129725]

Thank you a lot for your advice @paintwithlight. I sometimes do think he just tried to get the sex. But i don't understand, because he was just my 2nd and the 1st did treat me badly, why after we made out or just kissed, he behaved like the old guy bfore we broke up - be nice to me, talk to me and stuff... That is what confuses me a lot...

[abitbroken]

I would not be a FWB. I would stop seeing him. You are being a doormat. You learn from your mistakes and move on. it seems like you only called him because you started having a sexual desire for him again, rather than wanting to repair the relationship and realizing the error of your ways. You are offering yourself up to him to disrespect you because you aren't showing respect for yourself. I think this one is dead and gone and you need to move on and learn from your mistakes - it is okay to go through a busy time, but there is a difference between being busy because you are unavailable and pushing someone away. There are times I am crazy busy and see my boyfriend less, but when I do see him, I am ready to give him my full attention because I have built in time to decompress - even if the date is short, I am not using my time with him to uwind from work or to vent.