I need help....desperately

[WaitingPlace]

Okay, here's the deal. I need advice from someone outside my group of friends and family, who are fed up with hearing this and have given me every piece of advice imaginable.

My ex and I were together for almost four years. During that time, I made a lot of mistakes. I was immature and cheated on her emotionally several times. Never physically and I know that emotional cheating is just as bad, but I just needed to clear that up. She loved me more than life itself and took me back every single time she found out about what was going on.

Last June we broke up mutually because we were both very unhappy. I have taken this time to really focus on myself and making myself a healthier and happier person. But I love her. She is the only person I want to be with.

I know that it sounds like a classic case of immaturity wanting what they lost. But that is not the case. Its just the opposite. I learned a valuable lesson when she left. I opened my eyes and saw that the grass was not greener on the other side. That the greenest grass I ever had was right in front of me. I miss her terribly. She was my best friend, my girlfriend, my soulmate, everything.

She is with someone else right now, but still makes it abundantly clear that I am the love of her life. She has told me that she misses me and loves me and knows that we will be together again one day, she just doesn't know when. She tells me that she is going to break up with the other person she is with now, but never does. I think that when she comes to me with these things, I am so happy that I jump all over it and get all excited and start making plans and that scares her because she always backs off and changes her mind.

She told me that she is not ready to be with me again. I understand that, what I don't understand is if you are still so in love with someone, how can you be with someone else? This other person does not have her full heart or soul. Why is she settling when she knows that her and I will be together again?

We have instated the no contact rule several times and for whatever reason always start talking again. Its like its pure torture for us to go a week without talking. I know that I should remain strong because she always misses me so much when we aren't talking.

So, what do I do?

[ShuShu Fontana]

You are too redily available. She may just be toying with your emotions. Maybe she's never been with anyone else and wants to see what that is like and thereforeeee can still be in love with you.

I say you stop talking to her. You make it too easy for her. Tell her that it's now or never. You have to give her a reason to choose. I say no more contact with her until she has made up her mind. It's not fair to you as you are the single person here and she is dating someone else. I think it's really crappy for her to say, "I know we'll be together I just don't know when." It sounds like she wants to keep you on the back burner until this thing with her new boyfriend does or does not blow over. My ex did that to me for over a year and I fell for it. Don't be that guy.

Tell her to choose now and then wait and see what happens.

[justtwicethen]

I know what you're going through.

 

She was and is a good girl and you hurt her. Broke her heart, but listen, she is still there for you ok? She loves you. You love her. She sais that one day she will return, and now you are a BETTER person. You can take care of her heart right? So just play it cool. Don't insist and wait it out. You OWE this to her. She just doesn't want to be hurt again.

 

It's like me with my ex. We fought, and haven't spoken since...i mean she's gone. I don't think she's coming back. And I can't break the silence although I love her beyond anything...but she hurt me. So it's the one who hurts..

[ShuShu Fontana]

It sounds like your friends and family just haven't told you what you *want* to hear. They have your best interests at heart. They must be telling you to move on. I have to agree with them.

[PrincessLinzay]

Whatever you do, don't issue some kind of ultimatum. If she leaves the other person, it should be because she wants to, not because she feels she has no other choice.

 

I can understand why you're having a difficult time, but people need to do things at their own pace. I wouldn't wait around, I wouldn't pine after her. Keep yourself busy, and let things run their course. She shouldn't have the security of knowing that no matter what, you'll be waiting for her, while she can go off and do whatever she wants. Right now she's having her cake and eating it too.

 

She may very well be reluctant to put all her eggs in one basket again. The emotional pain from the past is probably what's causing her to be wary and reluctant to give up her current security. Go on with life and let everything fall into place on its own.

 

Good luck!

[ashik]

theres always time in their life when they r realli confused and the best thing to do then is to leave them alone and let them figure out what they wanna do, when u make plans n stuff, u r not lettin that happen.

 

let her be, jus be a friend to her and then see what happens, u CANNOT do anything at this point, so dont stress over it.

 

Now a theory also can be that the new guy is jus a rebound, maybe not. Maybe shes jus keepin an option open by tellin u she loves u, maybe she realli loves u.

 

Whatever u do, dont act desperate or nethin, gurls hate that, be normal, confident and be urself, the self that u were during the better part of the relationship. good luck my friend, i hope u get her one day.

[lilred]

I can relate to your story, i wanted my ex back, but he was also in a relationship w/ someone else. He told me not to wait for him but he didn't see a long term relationship w/ this new girl, yet he said that we might get together in the "future". I know that feeling of wanting to get back together so bad, that it pre-occupies your life! But think of it this way, it is your life, and you decide how you're going to live it, i think that it would be an injustice to yourself if all you did was waste your energy thinking "is it going to work out or not?"

It is hard to move on, but i think that the best thing to do right now is to show your ex that you have better things to do besides waiting around for them. Do not push them (e.g. ultimatum) that never works! You want her to be in a relationship b/c she wants to. I would suggest you not contact her unless she contacts you. Right now it's her boyfriend that she talks to about her problems, hopes, and desires. You have to think that she doesn't really "owe" you anything as far as contact b/c she is no longer your gf.