help wife cheated but want to make marriage work

[esbjr]

i need help. my wife has been unhappy in our marriage but i thought we were doing good. she said she just needed a friend to keep her busy when i wasn't with her. she started a friendship with her second cousin who is 42 and still living at home. he was lonely too and it seemed to make her happy and that is what i wanted for her. he hung around us alot and became like part of the family. some things bothered me but her assurance that they were just friends made that disappear. finally she broke down and told me that she had slept with him and i just about lost it if it weren't for my two beautiful kids i don't know what i would have done to myself. i decided to try to forgive her because she said she wants to make our marriage work, but she said she still wants to be friends with him. i cannot trust him or forgive him for breaking my trust and taking my kindness and stabbing me in the back. she does not understand how i can give her a chance and not him. what can i do? going out of my mind!

[kos]

Dear esbjr,

Your story is almost identicle to mine. I found out about 5 weeks ago my wife of 26 years was cheating on me. I still can't believe it happened.It was with a neighbor who I thought was a friend. I don't think I ever hated anyone in my life but maybe I do now. My wife and I want to work things out and we are doing prety well but I am so bitter towards this other guy it just drives me crazy.

Kos

[overcorrect]

I'll tell you what you need to do! You make a friggin' ultimatum and you do not under any circumstances give this other guy a chance in hell. Stand firm on this one. Do not allow your wife to think it is okay to still be friends either. Mean it. If she decides to try and fool herself and you that this is all your fault and you are being unreasonable then you need to put you foot down, hard. If she decides to choose homeless boy well then more power to her for her stupidity! I know this is harsh but she needs to drop out of the fairytail she is living in.

[jacobs]

right on you said it.....shes trying to blaime this all on you....which she will sooner or later...the only way i would feel better about this if i was in your shoes was beating the holy crap out of her 2nd cousin moron boyfriend.but thats just me...sometimes might is right....some idiots dont understand anything your trying to say until they get a beating....im sure he will go away.dont let him disrespect you like thatand kick that tramp wife of yours to the curb....sorry man....but once a cheater always a cheater

[tryingtrying]

I agree with the previous opinions, but perhaps for different reasons. I have heard that affairs are like alcoholism. You don't dangle alcohol in front of someone claiming to try to overcome alcoholism, but that is what you would be doing if you allow your wife to continue to see the other guy. Also, an ultimatum would be a good test of her sincerity regarding her willingness to make things right. Lastly, this is her punishment, and a mild one at that, for breaking your trust, cheating on you, and deceiving you. Had she remained purely friends with this cousin, the punishment would not be necessary, and their friendship could continue. Good luck.

[tryingtrying]

Just wanted to back up my previous entry with an update on what's happened with me. At the time I wrote the previous post, I had not actually given my wife an ultimatum. I was trying to forgive her and in order to show my effort, I told her she could decide how much contact she would have with the other guy (all the while hoping that she would decide on her own that contact with him would be detrimental to our future). Anyways, she continue to look for ways to "just be friends" with him, and finally, two nights ago, I gave her an ultimatum. I'm not exactly sure how it came about, except that we had an argument about something else, and she said "I can't live like this" (referring to my mistrust and sounding like I forgave but also sounding like I haven't forgiven), and I thought, "I can't live like this," so I determined that it was going to have to be "my way or the highway." This was an extremely scary thought for me, because I don't think I can live without her, but not only did I give her an ultimatum, I painted an even more unpleasant picture of what life would be like if she chose "my way." I told her that she would have to break of ALL contact with him, and that I would be VERY snoopy about her activities apart from me, and that she would have to show me that she is putting forth an effort to do anything and everything to preserve our marriage and family. The next day, she said that she wanted a few weeks to think about it, in order to give counseling a chance to help us (we just started last week), but to my surprise, by afternoon, she told me that she had made her decision. She selected "my way" (whew!) and had already told him that he was to cease all contact with her.

 

Anyways, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just relating my own experience, and letting you know that if healing is to ever be complete, she is going to have to regain your trust 100%, and this is only going to occur if she displays 100% devotion and 100% submission.

[jacobs]

still wants to be"just friends"pleaseeeeee....yeah,,she had a day to think about it..what she thought about was how she doesnt want to spend time with you in counceling,,,and will probably continue on with her cuz,,thinking she will get away with it because she knows how to manipulate you....think about it...would you do this to her if it was reversed?dump her!!!!!!

just my opinion....good luck...you deserve better..