why does it have to be this way?

[CovertCactus]

It's been just over a year now since my ex left me. I still think about her but not as much as I used to. She finally moved away. I don't understand why everyone is allowed to be so happy when I'm alone and miserable. Why do others get to profit off my misery? Why does she stay with a loser boyfriend who still lives with his parents? Last year she asked me for $200 to help pay for the fee to renew her work permit (she's illegal) and her sister gave her some money too. Between the three of us I contributed the most money to helping her pay the renewal fee. Her boyfriend contributed a whopping $0 and in fact she was paying his bills, gas, and buying his food because he got fired from his job for being a worthless bum. Yet she stays with him. Now she's living in Florida with him and his parents. After a year still with his stupid retarded parents. I don't understand why. We were planning to rent a town house together before we broke up. Why does every drug addict, abuser, and just flat out bum get 1000 chances with their girlfriends, yet I can't get my ex to give me a second chance after everything I've gone through to rebuild my life. After everything I've done to take care of her.

 

I know my anger problems are what tore the relationship apart but why does she stay with a guy who will drag her down? It's like she does this to make me angry. You know what she said after I loaned her the money? "I can never see myself with you again". I've never felt more hurt in my life. It's been a while since I've talked to her. Sometimes I tell myself maybe she's not mad at me anymore but I know she is. I haven't even asked if she got her work permit renewed. She probably doesn't remember me or even have thoughts about me.

 

I'm just so depressed and angry. I can't get any girl to date me. All of my old friends are in happy relationships, getting married, having kids, and just being happy in general. I'm all alone. I have no friends left here. It's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I have friends and a girlfriend that cares? I'm sitting on a project that I feel could be just the thing to get my out of this life of mediocrity and make millions. I know with absolute certainty this could change my life forever and I could make more money than I would know what to do with. But I can't myself to do anything about it. I have no motivation or drive left in me anymore. I'm just so exhausted. I told myself about 2 years ago that I need to be in a Rolls Royce in 5 years. I have about 3 years left to reach that goal and I know my project can get me there but I just don't know how to go on anymore. I feel so burnt out. I've put so much energy in to rebuilding and trying find someone else that I just want to give up. I'm so scared of living a mediocre life but I just can't get myself to go. I know I deserve better than this. I'm trying to do so many things at once and it's not working anymore and I'm too afraid of quitting.

 

I know that no matter how much crap I buy it doesn't do anything to make me happy. It can distract me for a while but eventually that ends. I bought myself an xbox one on valentines day and I was already bored with it by the end of the night. I just want someone in my life again. I know people say there is no such thing as "the one" but she really was the one woman who cared about me, loved me, made me feel special. I'm lucky if I can even get one date with any other woman. I don't want to be alone forever. I'm at the stage in life where everyone is getting paired off but I can't find anyone.

 

I don't want to hear the usual bs about loving yourself and being happy with yourself and that you don't need anyone. All of that "advice" comes from people surrounded by friends and are in a happy relationship. People who couldn't survive a day in my shoes let alone 24 years. I hate myself more than anyone I have ever met. I've never been around a more miserable, angry person. I hate nothing more than being me. I hate everything about me.

[lifesatrip]

You say you don't understand why every "looser, drug addict, etc." gets "1000 chances with their girlfriends." I think the answer is that the type of women who tend to be with such men are damaged emotionally in some way which makes them vulnerable to getting caught in an abusive relationship. They're being coerced to stay in such relationships on some level. It's not love, it's pure toxicity. It's a parody of a relationship.

 

If you want love, if you want a real relationship, you need to work on changing the things about you that are stopping you from attracting women you'd like to date. First of all, no woman is going to "profit off your misery" if you don't let them. If you feel compelled to take care of a woman and make certain sacrifices for her because you are wanting something in return or because you think it's the only way a woman will stay with you, you need to stop this behavior, and question your beliefs about yourself and your worth. Creating a sense of self-worth can be a long road, but it is possible (believe me, I am in the middle of this process myself, I am very well familiar with self-hate/self-loathing).

 

You say it was your own anger issues that broke the relationship apart. So work on your anger issues. It's not just about controlling your anger, it's about questioning why you react so angrily, what belief systems are contributing to this tendency in you etc. I agree that it's generally important for one to have social support. You can't just say, "I'm going to start loving myself today" and expect to suddenly feel fine and dandy. However, sometimes in order to attract and maintain the social ties we need in our lives, we need to change certain things in ourselves or learn new skills that help us interact better with others. It sounds impossible when you are so caught up in feelings of self-hate and defeat, but that is your mind's perception in this moment. Most people have the capacity to grow, and one's life and self can develop in ways that previously weren't imagined. Therapy and/or a support group can help with this a lot.

 

It's really important to challenge your beliefs about yourself and about others. Often they are only beliefs, not reality. Operating from negative beliefs about yourself and others often just sets you up to experience (and dish out) more negativity, which feeds the beliefs. I'm not saying to become Pollyanna, but don't buy into your own b.s. either.

 

Why do you hate yourself so much? And why do you so strongly believe that this woman is trying to hurt you/get to you by being in this bad relationship? I don't know her, it's possible she is doing so, but it's also very possible that it has little or nothing to do with you. Maybe she felt very vulnerable after leaving you, and this vulnerability led to her easily getting sucked into a very abusive/exploitative rebound relationship. Perhaps it is extra hard to leave this relationship because she was extra vulnerable before entering it.

 

Anyway, it really sucks that you are hurting so much, I hope you can find the ability to move on and recreate your self and your life in a positive way.

[lifesatrip]

Plus, if you're only 24, you're still really young! There's time to make changes.

 

Something that's helped me personally is to throw society's timeline of when we should have done/accomplished/experienced certain things out the window. it, who needs that pressure.

[derroax]

I'll be honest. When first reading your post, it made me angry. You come accross as very judgemental, angry, full of hate towards people and with an unrealistic perception of life. But by the time I finished it, I realised. The reaction you were going for was just that: to make people angry at you and give you the confirmation that you deserve to be hated.

 

Look up self fulfilling prophecies because that's what you're doing.

 

If you have so much hate for the world around you, how is the world around you going to be able to see all the love you have to give?

If you spend your energy focussing on what "everyone else has", how are you going to have any energy left to focus on getting what you want for yourself?

If you spend all your time drowning in self pity that life is out to get you, how are you going to have any time to work on where you want to get to in life?

 

Everyone deals with problems. You're not the only person in the world who doesn't have a girlfriend, or feels demotivated, or depressed. This doesn't make your problems any less important, what it means that not everyone else is happy and over the moon. And I'm sure your friends deal with problems sometimes as well. And that's the keyword - they deal with them and don't give up.

 

You know you deserve better. Knowing that it's not going to come to you on a silver plate, what are you doing to get what you deserve?

The universe isn't going to send you a girlfriend. In fact, if anything, it's telling you that you need to work things out with yourself because you can be happy. Getting into a relationship is like getting a job: you get it based on what you are, not what you could be. If you're miserable, angry and depressed, how are you going to show that you're a great asset to a relationship?

 

Anyway. Seeing as your only question was "Why does it have to be this way?", my answer is "It doesn't."