recently dumped and needing advice

[Jessieinindy]

Ok, well i just joined here today so I do not know anyone here. So, i guess i should start at the beginning. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years. For the past 7 months we have been living together. Sunday night he decided to end things between us and I am devestated. Ok, I guess I should back it up a little bit. When we first met, I knew from the moment I saw him pretty much that he was the one. We got together soon after and were inseperable. I had a lot of trust issues from past relationships, because I had been cheated on by everyone else I had ever been with. He had the same issues because the same had happened to him. Neither of us had ever cheated on anyone and never would. We fell in love and had a lot of obstacles from other people in our lives trying to break us up, but we made it through them. However, there were many close calls where we almost broke up. Pretty much every single one of them stemmed from me and the way that I treat him. I have thought for a while now that I might have a problem with depression, because I cant ever really truly be happy. I am never satisfied with myself or with anything that I do, the way i look, etc....I can be happy, but mostly I am not. I get down for no reason at all. I focus on the negative in everything in my life, even little things that dont matter and can never let myself enjoy the good things about stuff. This has been a constant problem in our relationship. When we are doing something and one little thing bothers me about it i get mad and wont talk to him or act mad instead of enjoying the good parts about it. The way I describe it is that I have this self-fullfilling prophecy that I am going to be miserable and so, in turn, i make myself miserable. I shut people out of my life and push them away from me. i have a really hard time opening up. For as long as I can remember my ex(wow thats hard to say) boyfriend has been telling me that i needed to go to therapy for these problems, that there was help for me if I would just get it. But i didnt want to listen...I always thought that I could handle my problems on my own and that I would change myself on my own. For some reason, time after time when I told him I would change and things woudl get better, he believed it and put up with me. And I know he did this because he loved me. But about a month and a half ago, we went on a trip to florida for a week with my family. This is the first vactaion that either of us had had in like 2 years. WE needed this time to relax and have fun...but i didnt let that happen. I constantly complained about my sister and her friends that were running around the hotel driving me nuts, i sat and pouted about stupid stuff like that and didnt even really talk to him that much because i was mad about the other stuff that didnt even mattter, instead of enjoying our time together. I started to realized this toward the end of the trip and the last few days were actually really fun and we got along well. When we got back I really tried to start being more positive.....and it was working, things were going great with us. Then I invented in my head (I am only guessing because things were going good and god forbid i let that happen) this idea that he was cheating on me. Now, I dont even know why i did this. I know that he would never do this, and i had no reason to think this...but of course i started looking for things....i started checking the caller ID and found a number i didnt know. I thought that it might be a friend of mine, so I called it to see if it was. A girl answered and said 'How did you get home so fast?" well, i freaked out and called him at work accusing him of this and that and he got really mad and told me it was over. the girl was another manager at another store that he works for, and he had just talked to her about something at work, so when she saw his name on caller id she didnt understand how he had gotten home so fast since she had just talked to him at work. WEll, when he got home that night we got into it about that and he told me it was over, and he just couldnt take it anymore....we kept talking and he decided that he needed some time to think about things, that he wasnt exactly sure what he really wanted to do....so, I waited a couple days,kinda backed off, and finally he said that he wanted to see if things could work, but that he didnt know if he could get over this stuff.....but he would try. So for about 2 weeks things were going really great....we seemed so happy and I was treating him great, not because i felt like i had to, i genually wanted to. I was leaving for a 3 week trip with some friends, and i wasnt going to go because i thought it wouldnt be the best time to leave with all this stuff going on between us. He told me i needed to go and that he needed that time away from me to think about stuff. I went on my trip and we ended up only being gone for 2 weeks instead of 3. When i got home he didnt even seen happy to see me, i was exstatic to see him. I kinda let it go, but he still seemed like he didnt even want me around. So, finally i called him at work Monday night and basically demanded some answers. He got really mad and said he was not doing this at work and that i picked the wrong day to do this (his grandpa was in the hospital dying and he was having a hard time with it.) I knew all this, but as usual, i was only thinking of myself because i just wanted to know what was going on and i couldnt take the not knowing....he told me on the phone that that was it and he was moving out....i begged him to reconsider...he said no....when he came home that night we got into a fight about all this stuff...and he told me he just couldnt take it anymore...he was tired of all this stuff...and that I had brought it all on myself for making empty promises. i told him i was going to get help for my problems, and he told me i still should, but that it was too late for us....he told me he still loved me and that he always would, but he just couldnt put up with the stuff anymore....he siad either he would move out or i could.....it was up to me...he said we both need some time apart to be alone and have no contact with each other. he said eventually we would be friends, and he doesnt know what will happen after that. He says he will never say nothing is possible....that we could maybe someday be together again, but not anytime soon...he said we could both go off, find other people and then someday end up back together, or both find others and be happy with them.....but for no he wants no contact for a while...i odnt know how to do that....i dont know how to be with out him....he says eventually i'll move on and find someone else, but he doesnt understand that i wont and i dont want to...from the moment i first saw him i felt somthing, and the first time i kissed him i knew he was the one4.....we used to talk about getting married, having kids, but i would always change the topic because it scared me....now that it doesnt and it is something i want, he doesnt want me anymore...i feel like i have ruined my life and I dont know what to do....right now i am staying at my moms because i dont know what to do about the apartment....i want to stay there, because i dont want to move back home, but i am afreaid it will be too painful too live there with all those memories...also i dont know if i can afford to live there alone, although he has offered to still help me out financially if i decide to stay there...i just dont know what to do or how i am going to stay away from him, i dont want to turn into a stalker, but i dont know how to not talk to him or see him....someoene please give me some advice...sorry this is so long but i'm desperate for advice....btw..i am 24, he is 26....any advice will be greatly appreciated....

[AgainstAllOdds]

You been with this cat for a very long time. Being with someone that long and breaking up can do something to your heart and your brain. I dont know what to tell you. I dont like people who cheats or ever cheated. Did he ever cheat in past relationships. Why did he break up with you, was it fights, you being suspcious not giving him space? anyways how long has it been since the break up, was it yesterday or something. Talk back

[Mutual]

I don't have any real advise. Just wanted to say that your whole story sounds just like what I am going through. So your not the only one in the world. Just hang in there somehow. That's what I am doing right now.

[natash24]

Hi,

 

I just read your post and I feel for you because you remind me of me. I was in a similar situation. I was dating this one guy for 8 months and through that time we kept on fighting on and off becuase I would always be insecure about our relationship and force him to discuss things because the not knowing made me go crazy. He would on the other hand go into his own cave and shut me out and things would eventually explode because I forced it. I have learned to let well enough alone and to walk away and recollect my thoughts and poise before I confront my a guy with anything and to stop being so negative about life. No one wants to be with someone who does not have a good outlook in life and draggs them down with them. Your ex seems to have loved you a lot as he kept on trying and you have a long history together. That being said the ball now is in his court. I know it is hard to deal with but you have to show him that you are emotionally stable. maybe you should go into councelling as a show of good faith. But you need to show him that you are doing this for you. To better yourself and not as a desperate attempt to get him back. He will respect you for moving forward and being strong which is something you haven't always demonstrated in the past. Give him some time to himself to re-think things and don't push him away by forcing the issue. Just work on yourself and then show him how much you have grown and maybe sometime in the future he will see that and want to come back. You can't force a person to come back when they aren't ready or don't want to. So just work on yourself now making you happy. Maybe you should think about the type of person you want to be ,maybe a change of career, invololving yourself in activities you love, working on your realtiosnhip with family and friends could be worked on. That will keep you truly preoccupied enhance your life and when you talk to him you can add to a positive conversation and contribute so much more to a conversation that both he and you will enjoy and perhaps maybe he will fall in love all over again. Just know that if he has moved on then all that hard work will not be for noting because you will be in a good place to find someone else and will have a much higher success rate at making things work. I know you think this guy is the one because he's all you know now but there is so much possiblity out there and all you can do within your control is to better yourself so you attract someone just as healthy, happy and as great as you can be. Hope this helps. As for me I am trying to improve myself by working on my career and friends and stuff. I am trying to think more positive talk about things in a more postivie light and learn to pace myself when I think I am going to get all drama queen negative about things. I usually think about the coolest person I know and that's Oprah and I think what would Oprah do ( I know it sounds silly) and it helps me be strong as she and to be dignified in all I do and say. It's been a month and half for me and I am hoping my ex will come back but with time I have realized I can be happy without him even though I miss him still. Well I hope this helps. Private message me if you would like to dicuss further.