Painful Personal Experience For You To Learn From

[alphonsefa]

For everyone practicing No Contact for the hope of getting your EX back; be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. But it's a little like the Stephen King movie, Pet cemetery. They come back but they're never the same, neither are you, and the relationship is too damaged to save it because the trust factor has been broken. When the Ex comes back you'll slowly find yourself starting to analyze and read into everything they say; you'll try not to but it just happens. It's tough enough if they left you for the "I need my space" or "I need my alone time" reasons, it's ten times worse if they left you for someone else. I know you feel like you want them back and would do anything to make that happen, but you're only going to get hurt again. Think of it in reverse. Would you dump someone if you were really in love with them? Hell no, you'd do everything you could to protect and save the relationship, not turn your back and walk away from it. Trust me I was played for the fool and learned the hard way, here's my story:

 

I'm 38, had a woman message me on Yahoo personals that I actually graduated high school with some 20 years ago. Being that we went to the same high school, grew up in the same area, and clicked personality wise like people only dream about; we got very close very quickly. Now there is a point that makes this not the average relationship and that's the fact that she was just coming out of a 6 year abusive relationship. Yes I became the stereotypical rebound guy (anyone have the dunce cap to loan me?). To everyone out there, be very wary of jumping into a relationship with someone just coming out of one! Well for 2 months straight, things couldn't have went any better, and when I say that I mean all aspects of the relationship! She had never been happier; those words came from her numerous times, from her family, and from her co-workers. You've heard the term soul mates? Well she was mine or so I thought.

 

Things progress to a point where we start to actually plan for a future together. Every dream she had quit on and couldn't get from the abusive Ex fell right in line with exactly what I wanted; engagement, marriage, a child, and a house. I had this stunningly beautiful woman, who had been treated like dirt for 6 years (some of the things he did to her over that period were absolutely horrible), and who meshed with me perfectly. Then in one afternoon everything blew up in the blink of an eye.

 

It seems the abusive EX started calling and making uninvited appearances at her workplace. I was more concerned with her safety, being that he hit her and threw her around a couple of times in the past. She insisted I stay out of it and that she would handle it. Oh she handled it okay, did a phenomenal acting job around me when the topic of him came up. Let me note, never did I show a hint of jealousy, because I didn't have any. He was an overweight, unhealthy, loser, with a dead end job. Guess what, out of absolutely nowhere, she breaks up with me to go back to him. It seems that I was used as a bargaining chip, he wouldn't give her the things she wanted and I would provide all of them because they were my wants too.

 

I had two fairly short phone conversations and sent a couple of emails to her. Never once did I ask her to come back. Never, ever, ask someone to come back to you when they break up with you. It will have the opposite effect of what you want. My emails dealt with what a mistake she made for going back to guy that made her life hell for six years. I stopped writing after her last email that started off, "I can't take this anymore, it's bordering on harrasmnet". It never bordered on harrasment, it was just that I hit her guilt button and she couldn't handle it. Now that line she wrote sounds fairly extreme, as though I was some type serial harraser. Let me also note, I was never nasty or profane with her, I only attacked her judgement and her character for going back to someone like that. So in my opinion there is nothing wrong with a few phone calls or emails to speak your mind, just keep them above board and end them when you've spoke your peace (send no more than 2 emails!). Now this is what she said, but later I found out what she felt and was thinking, something that will give those practicing NC some hope if they are wondering whether the EX is thinking about them.

 

She goes back to the EX, and on the second date, they have a nasty verbal fight, and he point by point, does everything I told her he was going to do in my emails. It was like he read them and followed them like a script. He drops her off, she runs into the house, picks up the phone and leaves me an absolutely hysterical, crying, message, that says, "you were right, so right, everything you said that would happen, is happening". I get the message later, and as much as I was disgusted with her for what she had done, I didn't want to see her hurt, and from the tone of the call, she didn't sound too good. I take a ride to her house just to make sure that he didn't beat her, because if he did, she would never call anyone to tell them, not even her family. I get there she is fine physically, so I give it to her verbally for treating me like a piece of garbage and using me and my dreams to basically bribe him. Then I leave.

 

Well guess who starts calling the next night? We talk for a week without seeing each other, and she's basically begging for another chance, and being clouded by emotion and not thinking with my brain, I give in and let her back. Big mistake! Learn from me! Well we get to seeing each other again, all of the future plans we had talked about are back on track, though somewhat pushed back due to what had just gone down. During the first date we are back together, she asked me why I didn't answer her last email. It bothered her that she never got a response. Basically, by not answering her it sent the message of, "oh well, I'm moving on then", and that's what she remembered. Remember, she said I was harrasing her! So ignoring someone by letting them be, will send a much more powerful message than calling and begging them to come back. That will only make you sound pathetic and unattractive.

 

So during the breakup period, when she had dumped me, I told her that what she had blown was a planned engagement on Chrismas, and she coldly dismissed it; saying that she would never have accepted given she still had feelings for him. Well we're together for a month and Christmas comes. We have a phenomenal Christmas day until late into the night, when she breaks down crying because she thought she was going to get that proposal. I comfort her and assure her that, yes it's coming, it just wasn't coming on that night. During this conversation, she worries out loud that she had messed things up and that I didn't want her anymore. I assure her that she is the only thing I want and that the upcoming year will be the best of her life.

 

Two days later I call her and she says: "I want to be alone". "I don't want to be the center of your life". "The feeling just wasn't there at the end (what was the crying about then?)", that "she fell faster for the dream than she fell for me', and that "I never knew the real her" (the real her was extremely moody and angry), and that "I need to go find someone else to share my life with". OUCH!!! What really hurt about a lot of this is that her words and actions leading up to all of this were quite to the contrary. Got the rug pulled out from under me the second time. My fault, I should've seen it coming! I did the proverbial two phone calls and emails, and then I let it go and went to NC (it's now been 2 weeks), and as much as she ripped my heart out and hurt me, I can't take her back even if she wanted to come back. The most telling thing during this second reconciliation was that the trust factor had evaporated. There were times when she would be stressed out about everything (her words), and I would ask, what do you mean "everything", and she would get upset and then catch herself and say, you have a right to feel that way give what happened. I am naturally a very confident, and secure guy, I don't do the jealousy thing. You either want to be with me or you don't! But, soon I found myself breaking down and reading into everything she was saying. I'm sorry, but it's just natural after someone does something like that to you. Though you want to forget it, you can't! So be careful what you are wishing for and ask yourself, if the roles were reversed, and you truly loved someone, would you dump them? In a healthy relationship, you would try to first talk it out. So be very wary of taking your EX back, you are likely to get the same treatment down the line.

[HajiMaji]

Bro i read your whole post. You rock man. I know what its like to go from the confident guy to the broken down dude. Its all good though, the only reason that stuff can happen is because you are brave enough to let someone in. Now, why do we let in the crazy females? i dunno.. (they can hide it pretty well..)

 

I think you handled yourself very well in the situation. I tihnk you were very stable in the midst of that craziness. Best of luck to you my man.

[Azure13]

You're absolutely right about everything you said. This girl just doesn't deserve you. Sounds like to me if you made one mistake it was in loving her. Unfortunately, caring people like you often get taken advantage of and used as doormats so often.. and then we blame ourselves for what the inconsiderate ex person put us through (or at least enough to take them back..) til we realize what really happened. Its so true if an ex would do something to hurt you, like dumping you, then they obviously love themselves more than you so unless they changed (which is really something I've never seen someone do but I guess is possible) you're just gonna get walked all over and hurt again. It sucks, but just remember there are plenty of women out there just hoping they'll meet a great guy whose normal and capable of loving someone.. and in the mean time just keep moving on and healing.. a trick I use is if I start to feel like I miss my ex and start second guessing things enough to think about trying to talk to him again or something, I just remember what a jerk he was to me and then I'm glad to be rid of him.

[nikhilgore]

I salute you as you are a great person to share your story with us and help prevent any of us from committing the same mistake asa you. I also broke up (well she broke up with me) coz I lied to her about something. I felt guilty until I found out that she started dating this other guy within to weeks and after that point I decided that I wasnt never going to take her back. However in my heart I always wondered what I would do if she came back. Now after reading your post I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to say "Thanks but no thanks". Anyways I'm going through the NC phase right noww and its hard coz she tried to contact me tonight. I think I'm just going to ignore the contact but I dont want to be rude either. Maybe I will just call her back and tell her that I need to move on and that I need time before I can talk to her. Anyhow thanks for your wonderful post that has definitely saved me from making a mistake in casse the opportunity presented itself.

[Bibora]

To everyone out there, be very wary of jumping into a relationship with someone just coming out of one!

 

Hmmm yeah... been there. Meet this once wonderfull girl over internet (yeah, it all started over the internet), who was suffering in a rather cumbersome relation. He wasn't sure if he wanted her or not, and this feeling of unsure made her feel really bad. Actually before this guy she already had broken up with her 4 years BF in the beginning of the year. So she was down having failed in 2 relations in such a short time. Then i entered the scene, and instead of going slow and support her and see where it could go we fall in love really quickly. Well i felt for the 1st time in my life really in love with someone and the same coming from that person, or at least that's what i thought. Well 3 month into the relation (short but intense), she start feeling out of love from me, like the spark was gone and from then on it just went down fall...

 

I feel like i was used to help her heal up and then thrown away...

 

Now after we broke up, everything is gone. The trust, the love, the care... The magic... And if she would come and knock at my door, begged me to come back, i wouldn't go... Simply because it wouldn't be never the same (and the fact that she made things to me that are way too much hurtfull)

[alphonsefa]

Nikhilgore,

I know what you are going through. Your heart wants her back even though your head tells you differently. If you let her back you're going to always have that wonder lingering in your mind anytime she breaks a date with you or doesn't call you when she's supposed to. Then you'll start analyzing everything she says, looking for the hidden meanings. In my case, my developed paranoia turned out to be justified. Things gradually just broke down between us, and as cold as she was the way she handled both break ups, she knew that the damage had already been done from her actions. I tried as hard as possible to wipe the slate clean the second time and it worked for a while. It worked as long as she was in a good frame of mind, which she was when she came back. But then her true personality settled back in, which is built around major mood swings from conversation to conversation, and suddenly I found myself on this emotional roller coaster. Man, that's just not me, I'm generally a take it as it comes kind of guy, emotionally stable, and I don't sweat the small stuff. Suddenly I was swinging from conversation to conversation following her moods. Good luck with your situation, I truly hope things work out for you, trust me brother I know the pain. I had already set things in motion to make our plans happen, and now it's all gone. On Christmas night I went from having a girl who was crying because she thought she was going to get a proposal that night, to two days later when she basically told me, you're not even important enough for me to have you in my life at all. What hurts the most is that I remember the good times, and there were many. Also her words and her actions don't jive with some of those cold statements she left me with. This was not a one way relationship, she chased me as much as I chased her. In fact, knowing her situation with the past abuse, I asked more than a couple of times if she wanted me to back off a little, and she didn't. Before my experience with her I lived by a simple rule that, "there are certain lines you do not cross, and once someone crosses that line, they're done as far having a place in my life." Cheating on someone is one of those lines, which she basically did even though she broke up with me first, she was talking and planning with him while we were dating; and being used by someone is another one of those lines. She crossed both that first time she dumped me and I let my emotion overide my logic and intuition. The sad part of this stuff is that it puts you in a mindset of not even wanting to put out that emotional effort again to get to know someone new. Let me know how your situation turns out!

[alphonsefa]

Bibora,

Welcome to the "Rebound Guy" club. I think I'm now the poster boy for it! You're relationship sounds very similar to mine. Since your girl had two failed relationships, her ego was probably a little down. In you step, the knight in shining armor, and suddenly she has a great guy that loves her and treats her well. The ego gets built up and she no longer needs you around. You're not a challenge to her anymore! Twisted stuff I know, but there are many people out there want what they can't have, and then once they get it, they no longer want it. She sounds as emotionally stable as my girl was which is downright scary!...lol. I look at it this way. Even though it hurts, and it does hurt, hell I had every dream I ever wanted ripped away from me twice within one month! I know that a long term relationship with her would've led to divorce, financial disaster, and even more heartache. I think that in the long run, they did us a favor. Yes, you and I are hurt and unhappy now, but these are people, that because of how they treat relationships, will never ever be happy. They will sabotage every relationship they are in or get stuck in a very unhappy relationship. I wish you the best with your situation!

[Bibora]

Bingo! Exactly what i feel... Like she took me for granted and i wasn't more of challenge... So it's like, ok this one is too easy. Not much here anymore. And then she comes with crap like she cares, she wants me to be happy, bla bla bla...

Well actually i do think as you. It is better to blow off now then later on when things would be depper. I was considering moving to her country to live with her. At least i didn't do that. I don't know what would happened if we broke up there...

Now im going on living in day to day, but yes thinking on her, but differently then before. Ok still hurts sometimes but its different.

And maybe, just maybe, one day i will thank her to leave me. It was for the best. At least im sure it was for me.

Good luck for you too Alphonsefa! Hope everything goes great for you!

[marijo2480]

Hi guys! I read alphonsefa's post including others. What is apparent or calling out at me is the fact that both you and Bibora jumped into what some might call "deep" feelings and love...or so you thought that's what it was. Alphonsefa was already making future plans with this girl, considering a proposal, when you never really new the real girl within. It's sad that women like this give us a bad name. I know it may seem that girls don't know what they want. They're attracted to the bad boy, run when the bad boy gets out of hand, look for the good boy, enjoy the good boy for a bit, and dump him when he's not being bad enough! Sounds confusing huh! It is. But the problem is with both you and the women! This girl that Alphonsefa was dating was not an emotionally stable person. She was not secure of herself and not in a point of her life to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. You should've known that from the point she mentioned her 6 yr long abusive relationship. You were unfortunately attracted to a needy person. She needed of you, or so you felt that way, and there you went.... You're a smart guy and know what to do the next time around. Take things slow and let time be on your side. Get to know someone really well before you fall deeply in love with them. The times you had that were good, it was all a pretty painted picture. She gave you what she thought you wanted. Good tactic for an emotionally battered woman!! For both you and Bibora, hurt now, yes, you can't avoid it, but learn from your experience and don't hold grudges against women. Not all of them are the same! Next time look for stability in a woman; someone who loves themselves and is happy with their life. Someone not needy....they'll be the ones that can show you what "true" love is! Keep your head up!

[melrich]

Alphonsefa, I have read your previous post re. this woman.

 

I think it is very unfair to paint her as a scheming manipulating person.

 

She has come out of a very abusive relationship. Do you know the strength it takes to extricate yourself from that type of circumstance. Do you understand the emotional battering she has taken.

 

People in thse circumstances look for any friendly face to cling to. But they are not rationale, they feel guilt, fear, have to esteem they may even miss the abuse ( as strange as that may sound, it becomes a way of life). In short they have no idea what they want, how to act and they will actually not trust the kindness shown to them by others. It is a huge psychological barrier that can take years for them to get over.

 

It is not her fault. It is not the way she would have acted before the abuse.

[Mun]

I'm sorry that you got caught up in this rollercoaster with her. She just wasn't ready. Richgabe is right. A woman coming out of an abusive relationship like this is in no shape to have a loving, healthy relationship with anyone. She has to work on her self-esteem and trust issues first...and before that even happens she has to break the cycle.

She must be the one to fix her life or else she will never move beyond this ...she will not learn to depend on herself, be strong and make her own decisions.

 

From the way I see it, there was nothing you could really do to pull her away from that. She has to do it on her own... and you my friend need to find yourself an emotionally healthy woman who wants the same things you want.

 

She is out there somewhere... good luck !

[alphonsefa]

I guess what also makes it so difficult is that I saw her at her best at times. There were periods where she'd be happy and content for a couple of weeks and then you'd hit a week where she would slip back and defeat herself, then swing back the other way. At first I thought maybe it was a transitional period from what she was coming out of, but what I didn't know was the extent of it. She had been through 3 abortions, 2 of which were from the abusive relationship, she had broken off 2 pervious engagements and one of those guys attempted suicide. She actually found him and took him to the hospital. She was a 23 year old college student at the time and he was a 40 year old instructor. He had lost his job, his family, and his home, getting involved with her, and then she broke the engagement. I never got the details of the second engagement break off, but I know it came close to the planned wedding date. I just didn't understand the depth of the mental scarring. I told her from the start that the slate was wiped clean and she shared many of the horrors she's been through, especially with the abusive boyfriend. Beyond physically abusing her a couple times, the mental abuse was even worse. He actually made a list of all of her ex-boyfriends, made copies of the list and then sent them each boyfriend so they'd know who she had sex with. He ruined her relationship with two of her brothers. When the brothers learned of the physical abuse, they came over the house, drug him outside and then beat him so bad they put him in the hospital. The abusive boyfriend then turned around and sued the brothers, she has't spoke to them since. I guess it's an ego blow for me too because on a looks scale, the abusive boyfriend isn't even on the game. As far as treating her and her daughter well, I don't think she'll ever find anyone to treat her better than I did. I guess I'm stunned that on Christmas night she cried because she thought I was going to propose, which I was, but my plans were for Valentine's day. Then 2 days later, she casts me off like I had absolutely no meaning in her life. It's just hard to understand how someone plans a life with you and then 2 days later, erases you from their life. Maybe it's a defense mechanism that she has built up over time to deal with the pain. What hurt me so much is that I had this illusion that once she realized her dreams of getting engaged, getting married, having another baby, and having her own house for the first time, would somehow put her in a better frame of mind and make up for all of the garbage she has gone through. I haven't had any contact with for 2 weeks now, and I won't contact her again because it's senseless. The final contact we will have will come in the form of a check she has to send me in February. The hardest part is knowing that she continually makes poor decisions in her personal life, and I'm certain this is one she'll regret years down the line. It's just a helpless feeling when you see someone you love self destruct and it's even harder when you are swept into it emotionally, the way I allowed myself to be. Guess I'm stuck in that what could've been and what should've been unreality. I don't think she'll ever be back and I would never try to make someone love me, who obviously doesn't.

[Mun]

So you wanted to be her hero, but truth is you couldn't save her. She has to save herself. Her state of mind and her self-esteem are so low she can't see straight. There is really nothing you can do.

 

All the things you offered her are wonderful, but she didn't want them. For whatever reason she was not ready to accept them, or could not "allow" herself to want them. Maybe she was not in love with you, but for awhile toyed with the idea of a happy life...I just don't know.

 

What you have to remember is that you did all you could to make her happy and in the end she just couldn't pull herself away from him. It is nothing you did wrong... she was just not ready for the changes.

 

Your story reminds me of the book Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives by Dr Laura ( there's one about Women too )... I read the book years ago...so I'm not too clear on this but I think one of the items on the Ten list was wanting to be a hero to a woman with serious problems ( that she needs to fix herself).

 

You gotta look out for yourself.

[dreamweaverdude]

Alphonsefa, I feel for ya man. It is so hard to be on the outside looking in on someone else's life and know that at least in your opinion you are better for them than what they just left. Even though my siutation is totally different, i to have feelings for one who on her left a physically abusive relationship and at times it ahs been a challenge, but as Menuca pointed out... as much as you want to YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. She has to save herself. And dude, I don't even pretend to understand the female pschy but someone women will go right back into that situation sometimes because it is all they know and as crazy as it sounds to me and you, they will some security and comfort in it because at least they know HOW to deal with it. I still deal with that and it is something I dont understand, there is a sub-level of caring that exists there than the abuse does not eliminate. Go figure.

 

All i can say is consider it a lesson learned and move on. Good Luck