Confused

[intheferns]

I'm 35, recently out of an 8 year relationship and marriage. I have started dating and met a guy I fancy, 36 yrs old. He's self employed, tech and odd jobs, on-call at most hours. He deals with chronic pain from untreatable slipped disks in his back from childhood. He's in some pain all the time and has learned to ignore it but if he pushes himself too hard he will hurt horribly the next day. He hates the mental side effects of his pain killers and avoids taking them.

 

I was seeing him about 2x per week. I have a baby so my schedule and ability to go out is very limited, he would come over for dinner and movies after my baby had gone to bed. Things were going just friendly for a month until recently what started as cuddling escalated to a passionate all night makeout session, no sex but we were both so riled up I ah, took his matters into my hands shall we say. He wanted to stay but had a job later that morning so he left grudgingly. That was Feb. 2nd. Since then he has not been over again because of projects but keeps saying he wants to get over and see me to which I say "I would like that very much, let me know how it goes". I invited him over that following Thursday but he had work and couldn't. I have been out with him briefly last Monday between my appointments. He was obviously in pain and not really into the activity, but he came out anyway. I feel mixed about that interaction - mostly guilty he hauled himself out when he really needed the rest. I didn't feel real great about it and decided I should back off.

 

He doesn't believe in making concrete social plans because "something comes up and he can never seem to keep them", he just does whatever if it works out in the moment. We talk on the phone and txt pretty regularly. I backed off, got busy with my work and wasn't in communication for 24 hours. Wednesday night he txtd a spontaneous apology and explanation that he's been in pain lately from over extending himself working and that he gets quiet and keeps to himself when he's hurting. I had left my phone in the car so he txtd again an hour later asking if I was ok when I didn't respond to the first txt. I thanked him for letting me know what's up and that I realized that I should give him space. He said I wasn't being pushy at all, he was just quiet when he hurts.

 

We talked on the phone Thursday, he was on his way to see friends in my area and said he'd like to come by after if it worked out. I said great, I had friends over but I'd be available after 8 when everyone went home. He called a bit after 10 pm that he was tired and couldn't make it but would try Friday after I got home from the gym "but no guarantees" so I shouldn't modify my plans if I had any. I didn't have any plans but I was excited for the possibility of seeing him. I called him at 8 to let him know I was home and didn't hear anything from him. By 1030 it was clear he wasn't coming but usually he would have called or txtd regrets at least.

 

He sent me a txt at 1am apologizing and said he got home to get things ready for a job today and fell asleep. Punctuated with a sad face.

 

So I'm not sure what to make of all this. His schedule is up and down - work comes when it does and he bends over backwards to get it done. I have seen him 2x in public spaces since the 2nd and he kisses me on the lips when we part ways. But then he's not available. I was beginning to think he wasn't interested in me so I backed off and focused on my work to give him the opportunity to drop out quietly but instead he came chasing to explain himself and a worried 'you ok?' when I didn't respond immediately. But now I'm feeling disappointed that his 'plans' of the last 2 nights have fallen through. These were his suggestions - I stopped inviting because it was discouraging to be turned down. I can't help but get excited at the possibility of seeing him and it's disappointing when it doesn't happen. Am I just being impatient? I realize it's only been 12 days since our tryst but it feels like foooorrreeeever since I've had quality time with him!

[Rosti87]

I just think your lifestyles are incompatible. I dated an undercover cop for awhile who had a crazy schedule. A highly stressful job. I only dated him for a few months because his crazy hours and frequent cancellations due to changed shifts and arrest issues drove me nuts. He really liked me but I did not care for the fractured arrangements. Sometimes he was so tired he would fall asleep during our dates.

 

So I think this is going to be up to you. This is his life. You will probably have to deal with it or let it go. I don't see someone changing their whole lifestyle to fit yours and I doubt you want to do the same in the opposite direction.

 

I believe in accepting people as they are not the way we want them to be.

[intheferns]

I understand the work thing, my schedule sucks too. I guess my confusion is - is he interested? I start feeling like he is not and start to drop the rope but then he gets all communicative. I don't know if I'm being led on or if I just need to relax and be patient because this is just a busy work time for him.

[Rosti87]

He seems interested but his motivation may not be as strong as you would like. He could also put his work before everything else. Hard to say which one it is. I'm self employed in IT and it can get demanding at times. Could he make the time? Certainly. But if he has poor time management skills or his motivation is not strong enough then it will be up to you to decide whether hang in there or not.

 

I would try to talk to him about your concerns around his schedule. Ask him how he feels about his work. Is he passionate about it? Or does his work come in sporatically that he has to take it when he can get it? You will have to deduce whether or not he is bad with time management. If you can't make up your mind with the information you have about him, you will have to ask him more questions about his work and his schedule to get a better picture.

 

The info you have shared is not enough to objectively or even subjectively give you a definitive answer.

[intheferns]

He doesn't like to say 'no' so when something comes up he tries to make everything fit and things just fall through the cracks. He's passionate about work, it isn't regular so when he has it he busts ass to get it done. He also gets kind of taken advantage of by his friends - doing favors and such that take him quite out of the way. But that's his call, he knows what he's doing. I guess he's not so good with time management but I'm not yet sure if he also is lacking motivation to make time for me.

[Rosti87]

He doesn't like to say 'no' so when something comes up he tries to make everything fit and things just fall through the cracks. He's passionate about work, it isn't regular so when he has it he busts ass to get it done. He also gets kind of taken advantage of by his friends - doing favors and such that take him quite out of the way. But that's his call, he knows what he's doing. I guess he's not so good with time management but I'm not yet sure if he also is lacking motivation to make time for me.

 

I think he is more unorganized than lacking interest, based upon what you shared. You now have the ask yourself the question do you want to be with someone who spreads himself that thin? People like that don't have a lot of time for their loved ones. You get it when you can get it. So I still stand on my original view that this will be up to you. He is not going to change. You will get attention from him when others are not demanding it.

 

Ultimately it is your call.

[intheferns]

That sounds like the crux of it - I will get attention when others are not demanding it. Which is not how I behave in relationships, I make a point to make time for my partner. This is the first man I have been romantic with since my husband so it's a new thing dating and with a baby, I know I will not be able to be as flexible or focused so someone who has their own thing going is probably good. I guess it's a fine line, I'm not sure if it works for me yet.

[notalady]

Seems like his interest level isn't that high, otherwise he would have made time for you. I can see this becoming increasingly frustrating if you keep dating him. The back pain will also be an issue that won't go away and will affect your interactions / relationship if you do get into one. I'll say that's too much trouble this early on, get out now and stop investing anymore time and emotions into this.

[missmarple]

I would move on unless you're ok with seeing someone 'whenever'...because that's what you're going to be getting from this guy. End it now when it's still early and you're not that invested.

[intheferns]

I think you're right, I already like him a lot and have become attached, I feel like I am not going to get what I want here.

[catfeeder]

I'm 35, recently out of an 8 year relationship and marriage. I have started dating

 

I'm sorry to hear that this guy is turning out to be a disappointment.

 

When you say that you're recently out of your marriage, how long sing your breakup, and has your divorce been finalized?

[intheferns]

We separated 5 months ago, he left me. We have not filed papers yet for financial reasons, it was a decision of utility.

[catfeeder]

We separated 5 months ago, he left me. We have not filed papers yet for financial reasons, it was a decision of utility.

 

It's probably a bit too quick to attempt dating. It takes time to stabilize and feel grounded enough to use good judgment. Trying to do that while you feel a 'need' can be a dangerous place from which to operate.

 

Feeling needy can trump the discretion of keen intuition and reasonable value judgments, and when you've got kids involved, they're counting on you to apply good discretion liberally. The last thing you want to demonstrate to them is that adult relationships are disposable.

 

I'd consider focusing on stabilization and private growth for the time being, as well as finalizing the divorce. Most people are not attracted to those going through the divorce process--and for good reason. Need is an excellent basis for short term relationships, but in the long haul, it doesn't hold up. Consider researching 'rebounding' to learn why, and write more if it helps.

 

Head high.