How can i get him back?

[xoxocharney]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We've been dating for 14 months, and before we dated we were friends for a long time. He had a crush on me for at least a year before we got together and was very patient with me.

 

Our relationship has been going great and I always had people coming up to me saying how good we are together and how jealous they are of what we have.

 

Last Friday he went for a job interview. We both don't have our licenses so I went with him, taking public transport to the interview, for support. On our way back we went to a park and spent some time together, walking around and enjoying each other presence.

 

As he walked me home after the day, we playfully discussed topics involving children and marriage. It went along the lines like "I can picture you doing this or being like this when we have kids.." And so on. He joined in and it was all fun and cute. He suddenly said he wants to wait at least 10 years before he wants to get married and at that point of time I got extremely upset because I'm a sense I heard "I don't want to commit to you". A small argument broke out, and I don't think the heat of the day helped. I got home and cooled off and was trying to contact him to explain why I got upset and that I think that there shouldn't be a "time" put on big decisions like that. That it should happen when both are ready and secure enough. But he never replied.

 

That night he texted me and said I scared the sh*t out of him bringing up marriage. I was confused as it was all in a playful sense and we've spoken about it before. I again tried explaining myself and apologised for scaring him and mentioned it's not something we even have to be thinking about now, but Im pretty sure he thinks that's what I'm wanting and expecting in the next few years - which isn't true. I'm only 18 and he's 20 in April. he then wanted a break to clear his mind and wrap his head around everything.

 

2 days went by with no communication and I finally was able to see him to see what's going on. He said he was sick of me hurting him and walking all over him.

I've been struggling at home the past 2 weeks and twice I was moody towards him. I brought it up with him and said I didn't mean it and apologised. And at that point in time he said he understands. But I definitely don't "walk all over him". I respect him and love him and we were both there for each other. I never took advantage of him. He was very angry at me over multiple, small things. He also deleted me from all social media.

 

I'm so frustrated because he didn't say anything before and he never even gave me the chance to fix things or make things work. How was I supposed to know how upset he was when he didn't talk to me or tell me. I can't read minds.

 

I apologised for the times I upset him and asked for forgiveness and asked him just to at least allow me to fix things but he says he's sick of giving me chances.

 

I just think he has built up his anger and now every small mistake I've done is brought upon me and he makes me appear like I'm such a terrible person. I feel terrible because I would never hurt him on purpose. He thinks I'm going to hurt him again but I didn't mean to do it on purpose in the first place. Yes I made mistakes, but so has he. Everyone does. But mine was never deliberate. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him or upset him. I just wish he would believe me and trust me when I say I'm trying here and promise not to do stuff like that again.

 

Wednesday afternoon he and his mum contacted me and said they wanted to meet up and discuss what's going on. When I got there he hardly spoke and his mum did most of the talking. She mentioned that this was also a huge shock for her because he said to her that everything between us has been perfect, even a day before this all happened.

She also said that she thinks that he was really counting on that job interview on friday. That that crushed him. And that the emotions of anger went from him being upset at the job to marriage and that it all for too much. He has never ever been an emotional kid. Never spoke about his feelings his entire life. She said she took him to counselors. Psychologists. Social workers. But he just shuts down. Its his coping mechanism. On Friday night she woke to loads of missed calls and texts from him. Not like him.

 

The rest of the conversation was her trying to get him to open up and speak from his heart, and also her helping us to understand what happened and honestly I think she tried to help fix things. My ex has never been good at communicating. All he really said was that he still loves me and cares for me, but he just can't think right now and everything is just getting to him so he is confused.

 

Later that night his mum texted me again and said "I don't know what happened. He went into panic mode. He was all chatty and then clammed up when you got there. He's scared less. Not about what you said. Its Bigger than that. He's never been very confident. I think he feels like a failure. he's just in hermit mode atm, I said when he comes out - you might not be there for him and that's a risk he has to deal and live with. Him not knowing his dad effects him more as he gets older"

 

He was meant to see her the next day to talk about his feelings but since Wednesday he has been shutting her out also and ignoring her. I'm worried. She's worried. She says that's she thinks he depressed but he refuses to get help or see a doctor.

 

I haven't contacted him since Wednesday. It's really hard for me I so badly want to fix things and go back to how it was before Friday happened. I hate that he's hurting and I want to be there for him.

Our relationship has been perfect so I honestly think it's the depression, job situation and built of anger that's gotten to him. I just don't understand why I'm the one being rejected now, I should be the one to be there and help him through it. I was always by his side and always there to support him. I can't stop thinking about how good everything was. I just don't understand. My heart and body is aching. I'm constantly crying and don't feel like doing anything anymore. I've even had suicidal thoughts and I'm scared of going back to my bad habit of self harm. I need him, he was the only one who understood and helped me through it and now he's gone.

 

How can I get him back? Do you think there's a chance things will go back to normal again? Should I contact him?

 

Please help.

[catfeeder]

He doesn't need to communicate--his mother does it for him. All the 'problem solving' she's tried over the years has been a spiral because she keeps creating the problem by speaking for the guy.

 

What the hell is that woman doing in the middle of her son's breakup?

 

Gimme a break.

 

That aside, it doesn't sound as though he wants to continue your relationship, so he's reaching for every small piece of ammo he can. He doesn't recognize that nobody needs a valid enough 'reason' to end a relationship--it's not as though there's a judge and a jury to grant a breakup or not.

 

All relationships are voluntary. This guy is no longer volunteering. All the other stuff is noise, and if you hope one day that this guy will change his mind about his position, then the less noise you make, the better.

 

I'd drop off his radar--no calls, no text, and give him the time and distance to miss you.

 

Head high.

[Willywagtail]

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. Look, to be perfectly honest, I actually don't think this is anything about you.

 

You pressed a 'button' for him, and something exploded inside him. Clearly he's a problematic sort of guy. His responses have very little to do with what you said, or may have done - they are about his fear and his insecurities. Now he's trying to find reasons NOT to be with you, rather than working through his feelings. His mother's reaction also is a hint that it's not about you. As she's said, he's needed lots of help in the past.

 

I don't know how you can get him back. Probably, the best thing to do is to wait for the dust to settle, and see what emerges. I think that he may have 'run for the hills', but who knows, he may come back.

 

Regarding the rejection of you. Again, it's not do do with you. You were just the easiest thing to leave behind when he ran for the hills. He's actually pretty weak.

[pippy longstocking]

When someone has to bring their mum with them for a talk about emotions you know that there is a long history going on . I think it speaks volumes as the others have said , that she felt the need to come and explain the behaviour of her son ....This tells me , as you said yourself , that she was also shocked at this sudden ending and she is clearly as upset as you .

 

I should be the one to be there and help him through it. I was always by his side and always there to support him.

 

You think you should be there by his side to support him , when the fact is he wants to be on his own . Let me give you a little example ......I suffer bi polar , and about a month ago I hit a low and was not in the mood to mix with my pals on facebook or in real life ...because this went on for a couple of weeks, someone asked someone else to pop and check I was ok ...... I was all locked up and curtains closed , so as she couldn't get through my back gate she started banging on my kitchen window ..well , she scared the crap out of me for one ..my heart started to beat fast , I knew I was close to a panick attack ....I let her in and it was awful ..I could barely string a sentence together ..oh I am honoured and blessed that people care ..but for someone to come round like that when I am on a low is really bad for me and took away my choice , which was to just be on my own till it passed . My very long winded point is ..... if it is his desire to shut himself away right now and have no contact , then you must respect that .

 

I've even had suicidal thoughts and I'm scared of going back to my bad habit of self harm. I need him, he was the only one who understood and helped me through it and now he's gone.

 

darling , no matter who it is or what they have done ..they are not worth your life or another scar on your arm . The way you are talking is dangerous for you as a person because you are putting all your safety and happiness on another person .... you need him ...you have to learn in life that to need someone is very bad ... you and only you are responsible for yourself ...You have to be really strong to resist the urge to cut darling , because if he does come back to you you will regret it so much and add so much stress and pressure to a man who is going to shut himself away on a moments notice ..and if you never get back with him you have a set of fresh wounds to remind you for ever of this ....and for your own wellbeing and mental health you have got to look after number one ...that is YOU not HIM .

 

None of us know if you will get back together ... you have the best shot going with his mum on your side I think ... just be strong for you ...leave him alone and try hard to get on with your life . I know it hurts ..xxx