From actively TTC to…barely seeing each other

[strange2979]

I’ve been with my BF for 4 years. We live 366 miles away from each other so we used to spend every other week end together. Despite that, we built a strong and happy relationship to the point that we started making plans (moving in together, having a baby and eventually getting married).

We actively started trying to conceive in may 2014. But soon after we had a fight and i probably ruined everything. I told him that i could’nt have the same fight every time, that the next time, it would be it and that maybe we should take a break

Of course, i meant what i said about being tired of the same childish fight but i know that i’ve been to far and that i expressed my feelings the wrong way.

Right after that, his behavior towards me started changing. First he stopped coming over. For the next 6 months i had to do all the trips and i tried hard to make it up to him. When i’m there, it’s almost perfect, he’s carring and acts like his feelings haven’t changed. But still, he won’t come to see me even when i ask him. We kept trying for the baby and talking about our future till recently

He started second guessing the baby project, then stopped talking about our future and now we are to the point that we don’t talk about anything meaningful anymore. He won’t ask me about my family, my issues at work etc. (like he used to)

I know that my own behavior didn’t help. Since he stopped coming to see me i’ve been scared and insecure. i started acting needy and depressed.

I asked him multiple times if he want’s out, if he’s in love with someone else. He would say no, that he’s still commited to us and our plans but he would keep behaving distant… Now when i ask him where we stand, where this relationship is heading, he refuses to answer, says that he doesn’t know what to say, that anything he would say would be twisted and taken the wrong way so he just shuts down.

I don’t know what to do to salvage this relationship. I really don’t.

Please help me, is there any way to make him see, love and want me the way he used to ?

[mhowe]

What was the same fight that sparked this and caused your ultimatum?

[strange2979]

the fight is always about the same thing: sex.

When we’re together, he want’s to have sex as much as he can/want.

If i say no, even once (and by no i mean, “not right now, maybe a little later” he get’s mad and turns it into an argument no matter what i do or say. I tried explaining that sometimes i’m just not in the mood at the moment, or tired or even sore (sorry) but he won’t listen. The only way to end the fight is to give him what he wants.

I know that libido discrapancies can be a big issue in a relationship but for me men and women are almost always wired differently on that matter and the reasonnable way to deal with it is to make compromises. But in my case i feel like he doesn’t care about my needs, it’s all about him. He keeps saying that his “sex crave” is due to the fact that we’re not together 24/7 but after 3/4 times in 2 days, i just don’t want more. Am i unreasonable ?

Besides, we have this issue since day one but still managed to move forward with the relationship. So the main reason for his current behavior is not there.

(Sorry for my lame english BTW)

[mhowe]

He is a child having a tantrum...and you are caving to it.

First, sex on demand.

Now,making the travel to him with no effort from him

 

Stop trying to conceive. You already have a child!

 

Have you given any thought to being pregnant and him still demanding sex?

 

And now he refuses to discuss the relationship. Until you can communicate lime two adults...I would table the baby making.

[strange2979]

the baby making is already out off the table. As i said, he started second guessing the project. When i bring it up, he says things like "is it really the good time"; "my female MD told me she had her son at 42" etc. Since we barely see each other, it's not about to happen even if i want it.

What i want for now is to salvage the relationship and i don't know how. I tried talking, it's pointless, he won't talk to me and it just pushes him further away.

Now i'm thinking about stopping going to his place and calling him but i'm affraid that would be the end.

I had the feeling lately that he's hesitant about pulling the plug and that any distanciation from me would be the coup de grâce

[mhowe]

Clearly if you stop trying it is over...because he has already stopped.

Personally...I think it takes 2 to make a relationship.

[strange2979]

ok, so we have the same diagnosis. Now my question remains, what can i do ? Any thoughts ?

[annie24]

I'm not a really old fashioned person, but I think you should consider marriage before the baby. I also don't understand why you are TTC while being long distance, unless there is an immediate plan to move in together in the next few months? I agree with tabling TTC until you smooth things out with him.

[mhowe]

ok, so we have the same diagnosis. Now my question remains, what can i do ? Any thoughts ?

 

I would say it is over. You don't live close...there appears no.effort to resolve the distance, either geographicly or emotionally. He isn't trying and he won't discuss it.

 

What is left? You traveling to have sex? When you don't even want to?

[missmarple]

I also think this is over. You've been going to see him for 6 months and trying to 'make it up to him' (make what up? he was in the wrong, in my opinion)...get your pride back and tell him it's over.

[redrose85]

Honestly, if he is the guy for you, he'll respect that you just don't want to spend your entire days together in bed. Libido is hugely different from one partner to the next for the most part, but there's always a way for both parties to be happy and satisfied. It just takes compromise. And as we all know, quality is most important. Four times in a day means nothing if you're not having fun.